Marathon training. It's hard work, y'all.

This post is dedicated to all the people who have supported me during the training period for my marathon.  I couldn't do it without y'all.

So, the marathon starts in two days.  Here's what I've been doing to train.

1.  Gradually increasing the time that I watch TV. 

2.  Staying up consistently past 10:00 p.m.

3.  Eating a variety of foods consistent with a 'marathon body,' i.e. popcorn, peanuts, ice cream, chocolate, Dagwood sandwiches, Doritos, etc.

4.  Watching the last few episodes of Season 1.  If you remember I learned the importance of this training technique when Season 2 of House of Cards came out and I'd forgotten all of Season 1 so I had to waste time watching Season 1 again and all of the people passed me for Season 2 and I probably came in last for viewing time.  So annoying and totally preventable.

5.  Finding comfortable positions on the couch in order to avoid marathon injury.  (Hubby:  We may need to buy a new couch in the next two days.)

6.  Buying the proper shoes and clothes.  The importance of shoes and clothes during a marathon cannot be discounted.  Here's some quick and super easy advice from a 'professional.'  Choose clothes that are comfortable, loose fitting (see #3) and that are easy to get off (see #7).  Choose shoes that are soft and easy to kick off (see #5).

7.  Practicing peeing in less than five seconds and researching catheters.  (Kidding!)

8.  Finding everything I can on the interwebs about characters so that I can fully understand what I'll be up against.

9.  Buddying up with like-minded friends so that I can have encouragement and solidarity along the way.  (Research shows that this is really important for marathons, y'all.)

10.  Lastly, preparing my family for the test of my endurance the lies ahead.

It's all about the training.  Are you with me?

Life is not Netflix.

Because it's Monday and they suck and there's nothing that's ever new on a Monday, I'm going Time Warner and doing a rerun.  Also because I've been flirting with running a 10K (someone stop me).

We'll call it TBM. Throwback Monday or The Bad Motivation.

Run a 10K or watch Breaking Bad for two hours?  Do you really have to ask?

You can thank Facebook for guilting me into ignoring you less. (You're welcome.)

There's no theme and you don't have to consider this a real post.

1.  I'm considering a 10K (I'm also considering a 10G, but I blame Breaking Bad).  Not really.  But a great friend (who is short, but could kick your a$$ because she works out with more zeal than Richard Simmons but don't worry she's not kooky or annoying) is trying to convince me that this would somehow be good for me and that I might enjoy it.  Right.  Please comment why this is a worse idea than me staying up till 2:00 watching Breaking Bad when I have to get up at 5:00 and work.

2.  Said friend lent (not the one where you give something up) me a doo-hickey that you attach to your waist (attractively?) and it carries two water bottles.  Why do I need this?  Because it's April (check your calendars) in South Texas and I'm in pre-menopause (whatever that is) so that equals hot and thirsty, y'all.  So, why did this even make the quickie list?  Because it's dorky and more than vaguely reminiscent of the notorious fanny pack.  I know every like "serious" runner does it, but I can't shake the dork factor.  Would I rather die from heat exhaustion?  I'm still thinking about it.

3.  Will you guys still like me if I am the only person in the free world that doesn't care for Breaking Bad?  Here's the thing.  I'm used to House of Cards, Orange is the New Black, and The Killing.  Breaking Bad is s-l-o-w.  Like a turtle.  Now, I've written a small amount about hubby but something you might not know about him is that he's a "multi-tasker."  When we watch Netflix he plays a game on his phone, checks his laptop for emails, shares gourmet popcorn with Bandit, and explains difficult episode material to me.  "How does he do this???" you ask.  Simple answer?  He's a guiness.  Well, I could never do that.  I have a one track mind.  (Insert snicker.)  BUT, with Breaking Bad I can.  Last night while watching I did all my paperwork, emailed two customers, and did some actual work.  And this was well past 10:00 p.m.  The hell???  (I'm giving it two more episodes and then I'm calling it quits.)  No haters, please?

4.  Captcha (Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart) mocks me.  As you know, my eyes are aging at an accelerated rate.  Hubby calls me (affectionately?), "old eyes."  So every time I have to "prove I'm not a robot" I get it wrong.  It's become this battle between Captcha and me.  I imagine him as a real person sitting behind a laptop somewhere commenting under his breath as I type.  "She is a robot."  "What a moron!"  "Really?  She's either blind or she's not human."  Then it's like Captcha takes pity on me kinda (after I get like five of them wrong) and he's all, "Ok, Ms. Dayinthelife.  How about this, 'U R 2 S tpD.'"  At which point I'm like, "THANK YOU!  I can do this!"

5.  This is the funniest thing I've read all month.  In fact, read this gal's blog (but don't stop reading mine).  She is beyond hysterical and pretty much delivers the truth in a highly entertaining package.  I'm going to a baby shower today and I'm considering printing off this post, wrapping it up in fancy paper, and attaching a card that says, "You'll thank me later."  As much as I love this post, it has dashed all of my dreams of ever writing a parenting book.  Because absolutely nothing could compare to this advice.

 

Irony: When Facebook sends you an email pleasantly reminding you that you're slacking.

My sister knows me well.  That could be why she emailed me this a while back (presumably to help me out with my laziness and possible procrastination - or at least to help me laugh and understand it):



It's from Reader's Digest.  (In case I didn't already feel ancient and sloth-like.)

Of course, there are a million things I'd rather be doing than working out (or working or doing anything remotely useful). 

Mainly surfing the net, Facebooking, blog reading, book reading, eating, and sleeping.  These are also the things I do in place of blogging and posting my blog posts to my Facebook page.

Apparently Facebook knows me well, too.  Imagine my sheer bewilderment when they emailed me presumably to help me out with my laziness and procrastination:

Thanks, Facebook for the reminder that I've been wasting too much time Facebooking instead of blogging and posting my posts to my Facebook page. 

Why can't we just get along and make decisions that are healthy for everyone?

I'm on the tail end (pun intended) of a summer running injury after which I became a gluttonous, carb loading slug...............oh, aaaaaaaaaand I'm clearly driving myself crazy.

Me:  You should go run.  You feel a little better now and your back, butt, and sides have not hurt for a few days.  And as much as you say you hate to exercise and workout, you are a much more rationale, sane, and happy person when you do.

Me:  Yeah, but I could overdo it and injure myself and be down and out for another month if I go run.  And, there's the fact that it's still 130 degrees in South Texas.  Y'know?  There's that.

Me:  Well, then you should just walk.  Besides, the dog wants to walk.  You'll hardly break a sweat.  Go walk.

Me:  Yeah, but I'm tired and there's..........so much to do.

Me:  Your justifications are nuts.  You are going to Facebook and blog if you don't go.  Oh, and your obliques are HUGE.  Wait, where are your obliques?  Cheesus.  Where are they?

Me:  Shut-up.  I may have actually injured my oblique and that could have been causing all the pain.   So they could be just reacting to being hurt by.............gaining weight.  Y'know so they can feel more comfortable in this body that's gained weight?

Me:  See?  Your justifications are ca-razy.  YOU HAVE BRAND NEW RUNNING SHOES THAT COST MORE THAN A TRIP TO THE DOCTOR WITH X-RAYS.  GET UP AND GO RUN WALK.  You are never going to lose this weight you have gained if you don't get up and go out, you sloth.

Me:  I hate you.  I'm going to bed.

Me:  And then tomorrow you will wake up and your obliques will still be there and they will still not fit in your pants and you will hate me more.

Me:  Is there chocolate in the fridge?  Because I think there's chocolate in the fridge.

Me:  You are hopeless.  I quit.

Me:  Good because I'm tired and I am going to bed and I can't sleep if you are still talking.

Sorry, y'all. I'm busy procrastinating....I mean drinking....I mean procrastinating.

So, it's been a family filled summer so far.  Here's what I've learned.

1.  Someone made a wine for me.  (Not to be confused with a whine for me.  Someone made that for me a long, long time ago.)

Notice the little person relaxing at her desk?  She's clearly a woman.  To which I say, "Huh?"  In my extensive research and experience, men procrastinate far more than women.  Amirite?

2.  I've lost weight.  Maybe.  My swimsuit bottoms almost fell off in the pool today.  This could be because:  I have lost weight.  My swimsuit bottom elastic has completely lost its elasticity.  Or, I am a really bad swimmer.  I am going with - I lost weight.  So, yay!  And, boo.  Because now I have to shop again.

3.  Because during the first week of summer our kids were turning into computer screens, communicating with acronyms, and pausing their games only to toilet themselves and eat, hubby and I decided we had to somehow limit their technology use.

We have now limited it to the point where our kids hate us so much they might move out before school starts again in August. 

We arrived at this status via a surprising move last Sunday evening, when we voted in my family.  The two options up for vote were:  1.  Kids will use technology only on Saturday and Sunday for unlimited use.  There will be no technology use Monday - Friday.  Or, 2. kids use technology for one hour a day at the same hour Sunday - Saturday.  The kids voted for Option 2, and for one full week we have battled and argued each and every day about how many minutes are in a freaking hour.

Seriously?  Tuesday I thought Girl 2 was having the DTs because we had to stop her game and leave the house during her "one hour."

4.  I am addicted to Daft Punk.  My kids are happy, but a little concerned about me.  Have a listen and you'll soon be addicted, too.  You're welcome.

5.  I have been unable to run with puppy because he threw my hip out pulling me and I am recovering with large doses of Aleve, chocolate, and beer.  So, I am getting no exercise and gaining weight.  And he is getting no exercise and acting like a maniac.  This has created a vicious cycle similar to drug dependency.  He is hyper because no one is exercising him and no one wants to exercise him because he's too damn hyper.  Cheesus.

Hubby had a moment of pure genius earlier and declared, "We should have named puppy "Technology" because then everyone would want to play with him."

That, folks, has been my summer thus far.  How have you been?

Crack German Dark Chocolate Cake (presumably with gluten)

I blame my brother for my latest indulgence in dark chocolate gooiness heaven.  He had to have a birthday.  Damn him.  My brother's favorite cake is German chocolate and I have a tradition of making him a cake.  It used to be a box cake.  Then a few years ago when I got snappy and decided to give up as many preservatives as I could, it became homemade.

I went through a few German chocolate cake recipes, y'all.  And, although they were good - I think German chocolate cake is supposed to be a bit less sweet (and less moist?) than regular chocolate cake.  If you are a professional reading this post, please tell me if I am mistaken.  Because my cakes were coming out less sweet and slightly dry, I cannot tell you that I was really in love with any of the recipes I tried.

Last year the German chocolate cake I made had about 25 eggs in it, so I renamed that one Heart Attack Cake.  And, for all those eggs, it wasn't all that great.

Well, this year with the help of a good friend I made Crack Cake (named that by me because it is habit forming within seconds of eating it and you might go to jail when someone tries to eat your piece and you stab them with a fork).

It is hands down the best chocolate cake I have ever eaten.  In my life.  (And I've tried a lot of chocolate cake just ask my waistline.)  If you try it and it's awful then clearly it is because my cake making skills are awesome and superior to yours.  Since we all know that's not true, then you should make it and it will be habit forming for you as it was with me.

Here's the recipe (from the box of Hershey's Especially Dark Chocolate):  Don't blame me if you need rehab afterwards.

Hershey's Especially Dark Chocolate (Habit Forming) Crack Cake

2 c sugar
1 3/4 c flour (I used cake flour because I had some in the pantry and it said "cake flour.")
3/4 c Hershey's Special Dark Cocoa
1 1/2 t baking powder
1 1/2 t baking soda
1 t salt
2 eggs
1 c milk
1/2 c vegetable oil
2 t vanilla
1 c boiling water

Heat over to 350.  Grease and flour two 9 inch round baking pans (I used a 9 x 13 because my kids hate coconut and it's easier for them to scrape off their frosting - and put it on my cake - when there is less to scrape.).  Stir together sugar, flour, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda and salt in a large bowl.  Add eggs, milk, oil and vanilla; beat on medium speed of mixer 2 minutes (I beat mine way longer because I went to pay some bills - I am a genius multi-tasker - and forgot the Kitchen Aide was on).  Stir in boiling water (batter will be thin).  Pour batter into prepared pans.  Bake 30 to 35 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean.  Cool 10 minutes, remove from pans to wire rack.

There is no Nutrition Information on this one.  I'm gonna estimate the calories from fat at somewhere around 1000 (especially since you're gonna want about five pieces).

We had about four pieces leftover that my family took home and they were DELISH the second day.  (Not that I ate all four pieces the second day.) 

Family report on the cake?  Hubby - who doesn't really care for chocolate - damn him - said it was super yummy.  Girl 1 said she liked German chocolate cake frosting now.  Girl 2, 3 and Boy Child ate it without frosting and with ice cream and said it was good.

I've been using the same recipe for the frosting for years because it is super easy and I can almost remember all the ingredients.  Here is the frosting recipe.  It's delish - not that this cake even needs frosting.  It would be excellent with a steaming hot cuppa joe.

I'll be working out a little more this week in an effort to work off the calories from this cake.  I don't say this much, but y'all, it was so yummy it was worth every calorie.

Happy eating!

Going Blind, Part 2

So, I'm fairly recovered from my trip out of town.  After washing for three days straight, I am fairly caught up on laundry.  I have had a chance to watch a few episodes of America's Got Talent, I have eaten a lot of my own cooking, and I have had a chance to sleep for a while.  That brings me to my second edition of how I nearly went blind. 

Don't worry.  It's short. 

1.  I hate eating out.  I know that's weird, too.  But, my germaphobia gets to me.  Again, I have no problem with germs I know and am a firm advocate of The Five Minute/Hour Rule.  It's germs I don't know that positively drive me batty.  I cannot stand fast food places.  It makes me insane to know that teenagers with budding hygiene habits are touching my food and when I finally get my "fast" food there are usually errors in what I actually ordered and invariably I get the person at the register who has a visible cold or possibly herpes.  It's not much easier for me at actual restaurants.  I have a few restaurants I have deemed "clean" and I generally stick to those.  (I didn't used to be this way.  I guess it's just a gem of getting old, watching too much Nightline:  Salmonella, and having four kids with limited hygiene habits.) 

So, while I was away from home, of course, I had to eat out a few times - in a place I don't know that well.  Ugh.  The first day I ate packaged food from the free breakfast at the hotel.  It was fine.  For lunch I decided to shop at IKEA, I got distracted (of course, it's IKEA!!), and then realized I only had about 20 minutes left to get back to the training before "lunch" was over.  I was having a craving for Chinese food - which is dangerous.  Chinese restaurants are always tough for me because I just don't trust them (sorry to the entire Chinese culture and please excuse my political incorrectness).  One time a million years ago I saw an episode of Behind The Kitchen Door and there was a dog in the kitchen of a local Chinese restaurant.  Since then I cannot eat at a Chinese place unless I personally inspect the kitchen (well, almost).  For years hubby tried to tell me, "WE have a dog in the kitchen!?"  But, then he stopped because it wasn't changing my mind in the least.

Fast forward to this past week and there I am craving Chinese.  I had never eaten at this particular Chinese fast food place (which will remain unnamed), so I decided to try it.  I am sorry I did.  By the time I got my food back to the hotel, I had about 10 minutes until the training was starting, and I was pretty hungry.  I was half way through my meal when I saw the long, dark brown hair.  I know it wasn't mine.  Mine was pulled back and mine is not curly.  At all.  At that moment I *kinda* wished I was blind so that I could just finish my meal.

2.  The above sign was posted in the "work-out" room where I ran every day I was there.  First of all, I love the "THANK YOU."  Nice touch.  I would've written that on the sign, had I written the sign.  Second of all, I am a rule follower and I have no desire to remove my top (or my shoes) while I am working out or in a public area.  So, while I am thankful for the reminder - it was really totally unnecessary........for me.

But, alas, all people are not rule followers, or they are blind and can't see the sign, or they are illiterate and can't read the sign.  I think the Man with Man Boobs who needed some sun was just not a rule follower.  I, obviously, could not photograph him.  But, he *kinda* looked like this: 


Photo courtesy of http://www.marvelousmanboobs.com/b/pool.  And, BTW, do NOT google "man boobs."

I *kinda* wanted to poke my eyes out with sharp sticks.  And, it was kind of unfair.  I followed the rules and kept my shirt on.  You're welcome, Man Boob Man.  He did not.  I call, "Unfair!"

There you have it, dear readers - how I almost went blind, but didn't.  Happy travels!  I hope you are more successful on your summer trips away from home.  I am wary of my next trip.  Can you really blame me?

Never underestimate the dangers of exercise.

If it's wrong to laugh at people when they fall, I don't do it.  But, here is a mostly true conversation between me and Girl 2 from a few weeks ago:

We had been talking about some kids who were doing something to another kid (I can't exactly remember the details) and I said something like, "Hmm.  Well, that just doesn't sound very kind.  It's not really bullying or being mean, but that might make you feel bad if someone did that to you.  So, it's probably a good idea for us not to do that."  Girl 2 then said back to me, "Yeah.  I get it.  Like when we fall and you laugh at us?  Like that, mom?"

Ouch!  Stinging.  Cringe.  Shameful.

I don't remember what I did after she said that.  I think I mumbled something like, "Yeah.  Kind of like that," and slinked out of the room.  Like a snake.

I try not to laugh when people (mostly my kids) fall, but I just think it's funny.  And I try to always make sure they are not hurt (seriously) before I start laughing.

So keeping all of this in mind, it should be no surprise to me that the tables turned on me yesterday morning.

I was out on my morning run and I was deep in thought composing a depressing blog post for you guys.  In fact, I was so deep in thought that tears had welled up in my eyes (turns out I have a talent for multi-tasking - or not).

(And in a short digression, when discussing talent our family possesses the other night - it was a short discussion - Boy Child told Girl 1, "You have a great talent for making yourself cry for no good reason or any reason, because you do it all the time."  And he was serious.  After thinking about it a little too much, I have concluded that I have that talent as well.  Especially once a month.)

Now, if I had to blame something for why I found myself smack dab on the grass ready to go into a forward tumble, I would say it was because I had tears in my eyes and I couldn't see clearly.  But, that would be a lie.  It was because I am clumsy.  And my bones are getting brittle from becoming old apparently.

Anyway.  I tripped over something (possibly air), tried desperately to find my footing, lost my battle with that, and had a quick thought that landing on the grass next to the sidewalk would be preferable to landing on the sidewalk.  So, I veered (gracefully) toward the direction of the grass and in about two seconds propelled myself onto my arms (onto the grass) with a force and speed *kind of* resembling Carl Lewis (at least that's who came to my mind as I found myself flying through the air) and I almost did a forward tumble like baseball players do sometimes when they are sliding into base (except I was not wearing tight white pants highlighting my nice a$$ - nor do I have a nice a$$ - and I was not trying not to swallow my tobacco - because I do not chew tobacco when I run usually).  When I didn't naturally do a forward tumble I thought about making myself do it just so that if anyone was watching they would be like, "OOO.  Oh no!  Ouch.  Clutz!  Cool!"

This fall was quite a shock and I am sure I looked quite shocked when I finally stopped moving and kind of just lay there on the grass next to the sidewalk in some unsuspecting (and I am sure nervous) person's front yard. 

Right then I immediately did what every adult person who falls does, I quickly scanned the area to see if anyone had seen me fall.

Now, I am going to digress again to tell you another one of my faults (It's been kind of like confession here on my blog lately, eh?  Except that usually when I play confession, I am the priest.).  When I am running in my neighborhood I can be smug.  (Shocking, I know.)  I often encounter neighbors "running" and I put them all in "classes."  There are the Marathoners who I tell myself are taking years off their lives by running so much and so seriously.  Then there are the New Year's Resolutioners who I tell myself won't be around past February.  Then there are the people who I kind of group in a class with myself who I like to "race" (totally in my head).  So, there's this one guy who I see almost everyday and he's fit and kind (evidenced by the fact that he nods to me when he passes me - most likely saying a silent prayer for my safety when I invariably lose my footing and do a face plant), but he walks up almost all of the hills.  So, I take a teensy bit of pride in the fact that I can run up the hills at my age and he walks up them (knowing full and well that he probably has a high school injury that prevents him from running up hills or he has fake knees and is overachieving just to be walking).

So, naturally I fell right in front of Walk Up The Hills Man's house.  There were no cars in his driveway, and I did not see anyone looking out the window.

And, there is a God in Heaven because I was out of the view of the high schoolers that congregate at the corner to wait for the bus.  If they had seen me, I would probably be shopping for a new house right now instead of blogging.

After I did a quick scan to see if anyone had seen me I just sat there for a few minutes.  And that's when it hit me.  I couldn't help myself.  I started to laugh like a ca-razy woman.  I mean I was laughing so hard I couldn't even get up off the ground or attempt to clean all the dirt and grime off my knees and hands.  Then I became even more worried that someone would see me on the ground, with dirt all over my hands and knees, laughing like a woman who has lost all her marbles, and unable to talk or lift myself off the ground.  This thought, of course, only made me laugh harder.  I had a thought that Walk Up The Hills Man would come out of his house and ask me if I was okay, and could he call someone for me.  But, I would not be able to say anything because I was laughing so hard.  Then, invariably he would start laughing at me because who doesn't think falling is funny?  And we would both be laughing hysterically until the person whose yard I was now fully sitting in laughing my a$$ off would come out and ask me if I was okay.  She would say that she had seen me fall and it was hilarious.  The three of us would just be there laughing hysterically until the moment passed.

This went on (in my mind) for a good five minutes until I was finally able to pull myself together and stop laughing and get up.

Shamelessly I waved (?) just in case anyone was watching.  From their window.  And I think I even shouted to no one and everyone, "I'm okay!  It's all good!"

I am trying not to let this incidence of clumsiness and extreme embarrassment get me down.  I ran today (you know, in the spirit of - if you fall off the horse - get right back on it?).  Just in case, I took Girl 3 in the stroller for extra cardio (and for safety).  Surely no one would laugh if I fell and dragged the baby down with me.  Right?  (Except me, of course.)

Apparently I am speaking a language no one else speaks.

It's Monday, I'm in a post-Christmasy-pre-summer funk (yes, I realize we are four months out from Christmas, so it may be a post-Easter funk) so this is going to be a short hodge-podgy type post.  I'll make it up to you when I am in better spirits.

In case you missed it:

1.  I no longer speak English, apparently.  Or, my kids all suddenly need hearing aids.  My kids have taken to not listening to a word I say.  Really?  Why do we have school after Spring Break?  I am miserable.  They are miserable.  We've missed the morning bus 9 out of the past 10 school days. 

It's just a sad case of I Want School To Be Over And It's Not.  I am not motivated at all to supervise homework.  And, you can imagine how enthusiastic the kids are about doing it.  Behavior has gone straight out the window (mine and theirs).  This morning lying in bed I actually thought, "How bad would it be to not take them to school today?" 

If you are Super Nanny, by all means feel free to give me some advice.  Lord knows I am not, nor will I ever be, in the running for Mother of The Year.  An outsider looking in *might* say, "That woman has lost all discipline in her household.  Send help."

2.  I am slowly forgiving Netflix.  Hubby and I recently watched Winter's Bone and True Grit - two movies I've wanted to see since they came out.  I loved both of them. 

True Grit.  Wow.  If you love the Coen brothers and Jeff Bridges, you are going to love this movie.  If you are not into that - skip it.  You won't like it or understand it.  Amazing acting and cinematography.  The Coen brothers have their usual way with dialogue and stark realities.  Jeff Bridges plays a drunk with all the nuances that he usually has when playing his characters. 

Winter's Bone.  I loved it, but I understand that it is not a movie for everyone.  It's about a girl who goes looking for her meth-cooking dad in order to try to make him appear for his court date.  It was kind of like Deliverance meets Trainspotting.  I liked the "mystery", the no-sugar-coating depiction of this kind of hard life, and the excellent acting.  The ending wasn't too bad, either.

3.  I said I was slowly forgiving Netflix.  Here's my continuing beef.  Can we have some decent movies for kids?  Please?  Sheesh.  I've watched some doozies in the past few weeks and I am sad to say that I don't even remember their names.  The Spy Who Ate My Mother?  The Spy Next Week?  Everyone Is A Freakin' Spy?  My Mom Hates Spy Movies?  Seriously? 

Why can't there be more of this:  Shaun the Sheep,  Gnomeo and Juliet, Penguins of Madagascar?  Because I love that $hit.  Please, save me and if you know a great kid movie (ages 7-10, that doesn't have bad words, excessive violence, drug use, or spies) send it my way.  Before I am forced to stab my eyes out with sharp sticks while watching a spy.

4.  Cathe might not be an actual real person with real muscles that ache.  I mean I knew she was strong and all after doing Drill Max for one year.  Now, I think she might be a robot.  This woman can balance her body on her hands and then extend her legs out forward.  Yeah.  She is  a contortionist with muscles bigger than most men. 

It turns out Yoga and Pilates are like a form of torture and (I realize these two points are totally unrelated) I might be the only person in the world who can actually gain weight in my ABS while doing an Ab Circuit.  YEESH.  The DVD makes me eat.  It's true.  I thought I would be getting back with you with all the pounds and inches I'd lost.  Sadly, I am just here to tell you that my stomach might actually be bigger and I am ravenous all the time.

5.  Like I said, I've been in a serious funk lately.  If I don't post for a while - that's why.  Luckily I have the internets to make me laugh.  This little gem brought me huge snorts last week when I was feeling blue.  It came from a blog I enjoy a lot and have stalked for a while.  Thanks, Average in Suburbia!  It is NOT for the easily offended.  But, then again, if you are The Easily Offended, you may be in the wrong place.

Have a happy week!

               

My advice to you: Seek advice. (You're welcome.)

As I write this post I am listening to this radio show about the lottery.  Here's what I am thinking:

1.  I am going to assume that none of the ten people that read my blog won the Mega-Gazillion Record Breaking That'salottafu(%ingmoney lottery.  But, since not all the winners have come forward, I guess it's still possible.  So, here's the thing (and, I'm just going to be forward and upfront with this):  If you won and you are reading this, can you float me a loan?  For God's sake, you have like 151,800 MILLION dollars.  I won't be greedy.  All I need is about $6,000.  Okay, just thought I'd get that out of the way.

2.  Sandra Hayes really makes me jealous (good thing I did not give up jealousy for Lent).  Not only did she win the Powerball lottery in 2006, she went on to write a book entitled, How Winning the Lottery Changed My Life.  Jealous.  And a teensy bit ticked off.  The jealous part:  I want to win the lottery AND I want to write a book.  The ticked off part:  Let me promise you and be clear with this, faithful blog readers, when I write my book I will have a more creative title than that.  Good grief.  Really???  And she has more money than GOD???  Is she just taunting me?

3.   Stephen Martino, Maryland Lottery Director, says that "their" advice to lottery winners is:  seek advice.  I like that.  My advice to you is:  Seek advice.  Nice touch, Stephen.  Apparently he is wise like a turtle (more on that later).  Frankly, I am stealing that wisdom gem.  In fact, I already did.  And, I will use it in the spoken word at my first opportunity today (probably to my kids or hubby).  Thanks, Mr. Lottery Director.

Okay, now on to my real post for today.

Today is going to be a hodge-podge of things that I have been wanting to tell you.  There are quite a few - feel free to treat it like a menu (but just know that I am kind of like Rachel Ray, so you might not want to skip anything).

1.  I had a revelation (huge - kinda like a biblical one) yesterday.  I went to pick up my kids at school and there is a woman in the office who reads my blog (shocking, I know).  We are not close friends, but I like this lady (and not just because she reads my blog).  For the purpose of this post I am going to call her J.A. (the A. stands for amazing because she has the willpower of God).  We chatted a few seconds and she told me she had read this post.  To which, of course, I said a huge thank you.  BUT (here's the great part), not only did she read the post she CLICKED THE LINK and read my awesome nieces' post. 

Now, it's kind of hard to blog when you are a little person like me.  Not hard like working on World Peace, or fighting the war, or feeding the masses of starving people in the world, or working in customer service at Wal-Mart.  Okay, so maybe it's not hard.  I just sometimes wonder (and possibly hubby *wonders* too):  to what purpose am I blogging?  I'd like to think I know, but I really don't.   And sometimes this not knowing can lead to frustration, drinking, and just wanting to end my blog.  I spend a lot of time researching what the heck I am doing and why I am doing this (hubby calls this procrastinating, not researching???) and reading posts like Why I Blog.  Well, I am here to tell you I have figured it out. 

J.A. went on to tell me that she had really enjoyed my post and gotten some recipes off my nieces' blog that she was going to try.  Her words, "Thank you!"  That's when the light bulb went off:  I blog to help others, people!!!  I know now.  I blog to help YOU.  Now, here's the thing.  I am not an expert on anything!  I'm not a great mom, cook, cleaner, DIYer, or blogger.  But, I am so happy that I have helped you to be a less perfect mom (because I am such a slacker), given you a recipe that was edible and cheap, taught you how to not-really-clean, made something and posted a photo so that you could be more proud of your DIY stuff, or made you snort, or hooked you UP!  That makes me supremely happy.  So, J.A., if you are reading THANK YOU!  You made my day and have given me a reason to forge ahead.

2.  Many of you (I think two) have emailed me to ask me about Rocky/Bulwinkle/Yerle/Yentl/Leo the hermaphrodite tortoise that we considered adopting.  I have great news on that front, too (with all this good news I might get struck by lightening today).  Leo is going to live with the amazing Reptileman.  Really, how this came about is too detailed for me to post.  But, suffice it to say it was kinda like when Jesus split the fish and bread and all that.  Rocky is kind of growing on me.  He's like me in a lot of ways:  he sleeps a LOT, he appears to be somewhat lazy and ungrateful, he doesn't like people (especially when they are holding him), he likes to be free to roam, he sometimes has a hard time communicating his needs, he needs exercise, but doesn't appear to really like it, and apparently he is very wise.  Despite our kinship, we cannot keep him, and Reptileman and his wife are AH-mazing.  I know Shelley (that name just came about yesterday - good grief - this tortoise needs therapy) will be well cared for and love her/his new home.  Thank you, Reptileman. 

3.  Today is the last day of the The Great Pantry Challenge.  Upside:  We did not starve, we learned some lessons, and we are going out to eat tomorrow.  Our menu this past week:  Friday - yucky vegetable tacos, Saturday - fabulous BBQ chicken, Sunday - yummo spinach/cheese enchiladas, Monday - tacos, Tuesday - leftovers, Wednesday - meh pasta and pizza, Tonight - leftovers.  Not bad, eh?  The only really awful meal was Friday and I take responsibility for that.  Lessons learned:  do a better job of seeing what I have on stock before shopping, and when you have mystery squash in the fridge make sure you know what it is before throwing it haphazardly in a recipe.  Downside:  I still managed to GAIN WEIGHT???

4.  So, speaking of gaining weight...it's almost swimsuit season.  I dread it.  Am I pear shaped or apple shaped?  Do I need breast augmentation or a tummy tuck?  Am I a 4, or a 6, or an 8?  Are my boobs -5 or -10?  Do I want a one piece or a two piece with a large cover-up (and possibly a sun hat)?  Here's the thing.  I know my problem area.  It is my stomach (which extends beyond my boobs on a bad day).  I hate to workout, but I do.  Nearly everyday.  I workout so that I can continue eating and drinking.  But, it's high time I tackle the real issue and here's how I'm going to do it.  I bought this DVD.  I already do Cathe Boot Camp, Jillian Michaels, and I run, but now I am focusing on my stomach.  It looks super painful, nearly impossible, and a little sadomasochistic.  So, wish me luck?  And, if I don't post for a while it's because I am too sore to move or have coherent thought.

5.  The girls' room is shaping up marvelously.  The amazing seamstress that is helping me brought over the drapes yesterday.  I kind of wanted to kiss her.  They are superb and I love them.  The new ceiling fan is going in this weekend and I promise to have photos very soon.

Thank you guys for reading my blog.  If you know someone who needs my help (in the form of:  Slackermomways, DIYou're Kidding, recipes that might work, or just some good snorting) by all means, send them my way.  Have a really great weekend and Easter.

Does this blog make my butt look big? Or, Rachel Ray needs my kids.

I am battling the bulge lately.  Seems everywhere I turn there are things that make me fat.....like my fat.  Here are just some things that confuse me and/or cause me to wonder about eating healthy and staying fit.

1.  Exercise - especially rigorous exercise for one hour a day - makes me want to eat like a horse for the other 11 hours in the day.  And not really fruit and veggies.  More like thick, juicy burgers and greasy fries.

2.  Rachel Ray can cook all that yummy looking food supposedly in 30 minutes because she doesn't have to plan the meal, shop for the meal, prep the meal, and cook the meal while also:  wiping a three year old's butt (sorry, just speakin' the truth), breaking up a fist fight, responding to an email marked urgent that apparently has been in my inbox for a week, and monitoring Wii time.

3.  Some of my favorite food blogs, like Rufus, often call for items that I am not familiar with nor do I have any idea where to buy.  For example:  rutabaga, prosciutto, turnip greens, coconut milk, etc.

4.  I want to watch a cooking show starring a lady that has four kids - I suggest ages 10, 8, 7, and 3 - all having their eating idiosyncrasies.  During the show the kids are with her the entire time she is doing anything involving feeding this TV family.  And then if she is successful I want her show to be cancelled.

5.  Although hubby and I are foodies and will pretty much eat anything that's not nailed down, our kids are a mixed batch.  The boy child eats like us.  His tastes range from sushi to greasy burgers.  He's not too keen on fruits, though, but will eat a wide range of veggies.  Girl 1 would eat this all day everyday if left alone:  pancakes, sweets, chocolate, fruit, bread, and raw sugar.  Girl 2 eats a wide range of things, although she fiercely avoids tomatoes, onions, and peppers if she can identify them (1.  Isn't that the Holy Trinity? and 2.  Did I ever tell you we are Mexican American???).  Girl 3 must sniff and pull apart everything she eats.  Although she would eat sushi, tuna, and hummus daily, she will avoid peanut butter like the plague.

6.  I think every time a fitness guru says, "It is a myth that you can tone your abs by ab exercises alone.  It requires core training." an angel eats a donut.

7.  I *might* be developing a healthy relationship with my muffin top.

8.  I *might* not want toned abs as much as I want to eat yummy food and enjoy tasty beverages.

9.  I've googled things like "tasty and healthy recipes," and I am just suspicious.  In other words, the recipes usually wear me out.  If it takes me five minutes to read and understand the recipe, frankly I don't want to cook it.   

10.  I have been hearing a lot about food allergies and it makes me infinitely thankful that - so far - my kids have none.  If they did they would starve and I would shoot myself.

That's what I've been thinking about.  Off to work-out for one hour, then eat like a horse, then prep for a lasagna recipe that I got off the back of the box!  Happy Monday, friends.  Try to stay fit.  Or, don't try.  I totally understand either way.

If you've seen my willpower, please send it home.

Here we are in that wayward time between Christmas and New Year's Eve when everyone is trying to: 1.  Clean the house (or, in my case, figure out how long you can go without cleaning the house before people get tired of stepping in goo, moving boxes around to eat, or wearing semi-clean underwear), 2.  Lose weight (just so you can eat without guilt in four more days), 3.  Figure out new electronics (in our case that would be a Wii - I know, not new, but new to us), 4.  Return Christmas presents you didn't really want and replace them with more crap stuff you don't really want do want, and 5.  Really just hang on psychologically until New Year's Day when you can let loose, be justified with all the looming resolutions you need to crank out on, and look forward to returning back to "normal." 

Well, I just wanted to check in with you during this sensitive time and let you know what I am dealing with (because, in the end, it's all about me).

1.  I am dealing with resisting tons and tons of sweets and chocolate.  I *might* be addicted to sweets and I *might* need an intervention and 12 step program.  Seriously.  I cannot resist all this sugar.  I am powerless against it.  Here is what stares back at me when I look in my kitchen (warning:  this list is a little obscene):  chocolate covered pretzels, an assortment of chocolate treats from a Hershey's bag, pecan sugar cookies, Christmas sugar cookies, fudge, cookies from the sweet neighbors delivered last night (because we didn't have enough), turtle pie (which is a little like heaven), Lindor chocolates, and some little green and red M&M's that are very handy and melt in your mouth not in your hands.  I have often justified eating all of these sweets by saying to myself that the sooner I eat them the sooner I will not have to deal with them anymore. 
2.  I am also dealing with lots of regular food that is not healthy.  Leftover ham (you know how much I love ham), chips of every variety, Chex Mix, and an assortment of nuts.  I justify eating this food by saying that it's healthier than eating all the food in #1.  Pretzels and Chex cereal are almost fruits and vegetables, right?
3.  I am dealing with wanting to drink lots of beer.  Partly because it's "vacation" and partly because the Wii has been running 24/7 since Santa brought it.
4.  Speaking of the Wii - I am dealing with it.  I am not a gamer, the music is annoying (but addicting), and I am not a gamer.
5.  I am dealing with the inability to exercise effectively.  This is largely (no pun intended) due to the fact that I have gained about 10 pounds and can no longer support the weight of my body.

So, in a nutshell (Which reminds me I am also tempted by a variety of nuts??? DID I SAY THAT???), if you find my willpower wandering around - SEND IT BACK.  I NEED it.  Please and thank you!

Dear Santa, Would it be too much to ask?

Every year, typically around the 16th, I get asked what I want for Christmas.  This is usually after all the cookies are baked and decorated, presents are bought and half of them are usually wrapped, school Holiday parties are attended, recitals are done, Christmas clothes are purchased (and if we are lucky - matching!), tamales are ordered, cards are sent (well, mostly), token gifts for the neighbors are ready to be passed out (If you are a neighbor reading and you don't get one of those, remember: this blog is mostly true.) etc., etc.  And my usual answer is:  I have everything I want.  Oh, vomit, right?  So, this year I decided to veer greatly of course.  Without being prompted about two weeks ago, I made and submitted (To hubby - I don't fully trust Santa because he wears those shiny, white gloves.) this list:

(Carefully not numbered to avoid sounding greedy.)

• bras (Because when do we, as women, not need those?)
• panties (Ditto and preferably not edible or crotchless - ew!  Sorry.)
• a Keurig coffee maker (No, I don't already have one of those.  If you would like an address to make donations to make this a reality - let me know!)
• make-up that is not crusty because I am pretty sure that's not how make-up is supposed to be
• slippers - the warm kind with animal bodies (Not real animals - don't call PETA.  Although, since I have never tried the real animal kind I cannot really speak against it.)
• a nice, big purse (one that holds snacks, feminine products, deodorant, cologne - that I'm getting - a styling brush, a spare pair of panties - FOR THE KIDS, wipees, etc.)
• cologne
• work-out clothes
• new pajamas
• fashionable boots
• a winter coat
• a stapler that I don't have to smack each time I staple something
• a decent pencil sharpener (yes, I still use pencils)
• a lot of James Avery jewelry
• accessories (any kind, really)

Even now as I look back at this list I am surprised at how shocking it is - to me.  Now, here's the part that is really shocking.  I have purchased nearly everything on the list already!  Shame on me!?  Possibly.  I am still thinking about it.

But, here's the REAL reason for the post.  Sorry.  I am in a meandering sort of mood.  THIS is the list that is not being submitted because it is truly too much to ask..............for even SANTA with his white, shiny gloves.

(And yes, I numbered this one so that just in case Santa is one of my blog readers he won't think I am too greedy.)
What I Would Really Like for Christmas

1.  Sleep.  Like for a long time.  Till I am ready to get up.  AND THEN, no talking until I have had as much coffee as I would like (Keurig coffee or Starbucks).  AND THEN, my breakfast brought to me.
2.  Weight loss without exercise.  I really hate exercise. 
3.  A call from a publisher offering me a million dollar advance on my parenting book..
4.  Calorie-less beer that tastes great and actually combats bloating and aging.
5.  A personal bartender (that looks like Johnny Depp and brings his own liquor - because liquor is not cheap).
6.  A personal assistant who while doing all my crap for me also teaches me how to do it for myself (kind of like the whole teach a girl to fish thing) so that I can eventually say goodbye to him (cause personal assistants are a little creepy) and voila I am an assistant to MYSELF.  And if this person could make me crafty and able to do all home improvement that would be great, too.  (AND if he has to look like Johnny Depp, too, that's cool).
7.  To be like Samantha from Bewitched and have all the Christmas decorations put themselves away after Christmas by just crinkling my nose or snapping my fingers.
8.  Ditto for making my kids behave.
9.  World peace (See Santa - I am not a total schmuck.)
10.  Big boobs and flawless skin (Okay - maybe I am.)

I've been mostly nice this year, so we'll see how it all works out.  Update on the 26th.  Be merry, friends!

'Tis the season to get bloated (Sing that - it makes for a much better blog title.)

So, it's that time of year where everyone from Heloise to Dr. Oz wants to give you their take on "how not to get fat from now till my birthday" (January 20th and I like beer, chocolate, and large purses).  Just once, I would like to see an honest article on Holiday Weight Gain.  Last year I wrote a tongue in cheek post on Holiday Weight Gain.  This year I am just going to simply state why STAYING SKINNY NOW DOESN'T WORK.  I am not a doctor, a weight management professional, or a nutritionist, but I love to eat and my brain works (as far as I know - most of the time) so I think I am qualified to write this.

1.  Many nutrition gurus suggest continuing your normal exercise routine or if possible increasing it this time of year.  This doesn't work and there are a few reasons why.  Who has time to exercise on a normal basis?  Not many people.  In fact, in the article I read one of the tips was to do tummy tucks while you are standing in line (presumably waiting in the buffet line).  For real?  What I understand when I read that is:  YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO EXERCISE.  NOT BEFORE AND NOT NOW.  AND - while you are waiting in the buffet line you should be enjoying a delicious Christmas cocktail and talkin' to your man.  I will just say one more thing:  if you have time to exercise now, you better check your "to do" list.  If "Buy A Day In The Life a Christmas present" is not on your to-do list - add it.  Stat.  And then get busy shopping for me instead of trying to find time to exercise.

2.  Another suggestion I've seen is to "limit yourself."  Now, I am just not sure I understand this one.  The article referenced above suggests filling one plate (at the buffet) and then not going near the food table again.  That just sounds like cruel and unusual punishment to me.  I like to make many trips to the buffet, sample everything, and do a noteworthy plate balancing act in the process.

3.  "Curbing your appetite" also seems to be a popular notion.  It is suggested that you eat a "handful of nuts" and possibly drink a glass of water before heading out to a holiday party.  I love the idea of eating a handful of nuts.  But, what I want with a handful of nuts (and might I suggest spicy hot peanuts) is a cold beer.  Then, I might want some nachos and another beer.  THEN, I would be ready to go the party!

4.  "Accepting mistakes" is popular.  In other words, if you fall off the wagon - don't waste time feeling guilty, just hop back on!  As a general principle, I really don't have an objection to this one.  But, consider this - if you keep falling off the wagon, it may be time to walk.

5.  Now the article I referenced above specifically suggested "Calming down."  This one is just nuts.  The holidays do not allow for "calming down."  My to-do list is a mile long and I am still blogging.  Calm down?  How about a donut and another cup of coffee?  Now, that's more like it!

6.  The article I read also suggested carrying snacks with you for when you are out-and-about where healthy snacks might not be offered.  I am all for carrying snacks with you.  Some that I suggest for the holidays are:  Christmas cookies (you never want those to go bad and have to throw them away), hot spicy peanuts referenced above (Although drinking alcohol in public is not sanctioned by me or this blog.  Are Christmas parties public?), dark chocolate chips, and chili-lime Cheetos (my nine year old son just introduced me to those).

7.  Professionals also like to warn against falling into the "trap" of thinking that weight gain now is okay since in January you can always go on a diet.  Frankly, I fell into that trap a long time ago..............and I like it here!  It makes resolutions soooooooo much easier!

8.  Several articles I read suggested keeping a log of what you are eating.  Again, this is questionable on so many levels.  Sub-list:

a.  Do you have time for a log?  If so, leave me a comment and I will send you some of my to-do list items.
b.  Do you really want to know what you are eating???  It could lead to more than a weight issue.  Trust me.
c.  If you simply must keep a log, maybe you should keep it on a concrete tablet (like Moses) so that you can kill two birds with one stone (figuratively and possibly literally as well) - curbing your appetite AND exercise.  And, YES, that is SARCASM.

9.  Many professionals suggest that you be mindful of snacking during holiday cooking.  I really take objection to this one.  What's one of the best parts of holiday cooking?  SNACKING while you do it!  Who doesn't want to snack on cheesy popcorn and have a nice glass of wine while making Christmas cookies???  Thinking about it just makes me want to belt out a line of "White Christmas."

10.  Another popular suggestion seems to be sending holiday party leftovers home with family and friends.  Remember this works two ways.  I am the family and friends with whom you need to send leftovers home.

That's my explanation of why staying trim during the holidays is worthless.  Don't think about it!  You will be happy while others will be miserable.  Enjoy, friends!  Know that I will be with you January 1 when we have a lot to resolve!

Undying Love and Amazon Cloud or Nothing As Sweet As the First Time

Now you may be thinking you are about to read a post about hot steamy ah-hem, but 1.  Get your mind outta the gutter, and 2.  You should know by now that I am freakishly prudish and would never write about that.  No, today's post is going to be about how I found love in technology after 20+ years with my polar opposite and how you can, too.  I know, not nearly as exciting, but you're stuck with it.

Let me just give you some of my quick marriage history in case you are "new".  I have known my husband since ninth grade.  I have known that we are as opposite as Bono and Barry Manilow for about that long, too.  So, naturally when hubby wants me to try things, do things, listen to music he likes, and generally do what he likes to do it is perfectly natural that.......I would rather poke my eyes out with sharp sticks.  That being said, we have been married longer than Abraham, so we have found a way to work that.  That brings us to about a year ago when he started asking me if I thought I might like to listen to music while I am running.  And my immediate response was, "Why.........no."  He said, "Well, just think about it."  And then later (after I'd had about 5 minutes to think about it) I said, "I think I'd rather run with heavy weights on my ankles."

Remember I said opposite?  This guy listens to music from the time he wakes up until the time he goes to sleep (notice I did not say bed because he goes to bed with ear buds).  I really don't care to listen to music most of the time (unless I am, say, ON THE DANCE FLOOR).  It's not that I don't like music.  I do.  I have favorite bands, I try to stay current so as not to embarrass my children, and I can even (on occasion) tell you who sings a song (as long as the singer is prolific like Madonna or Prince or Ozzy not someone obscure or someone who can be easily confused with someone else like Madonna, Prince, or Ozzy), but other than that you can usually find me doing something else.

Hubby is also a repository of Music Trivia.  And when I say, "He's good."  I mean, "He's good like Google or Ask.com."  A million years ago when we were dating he made me mix tapes all the time which I listened to.  Nowadays I just use him for his infinite knowledge.  I have been known to ask him at odd times (shouted from the bathroom, texted from my phone while I am grocery shopping, right before I fall asleep, right when I wake up), "Hey, babe, who sings that song blah, blah, blah."  Now, remember I am no music connoisseur so often times my questions go specifically something like, "Hey, babe, who sings that song that says something about a girlfriend and a month of the year, but I can't remember which one, I think it was in winter, and it's kind of like a disco dance remix and his voice kind of sounds like he's talking like a robot?"

And I KID YOU NOT (you would actually have to witness this - and some have - to believe it) hubby will cock his head slightly to the left, question me a little (Oh could you mistake it for say the B52's?  And does it also say something about sentimental?  To which I will say "Um, yeah, right.'), and then you can almost hear this clicking sound in his brain and then he'll say, "Yeah, I think that's blah, blah, blah.  I think I have that right here."  At which point he will grab his iTouch, iPad, phone, whatever and click some more and I am HEARING THE SONG.  It's like uncanny and the most magic I usually see in a week.

Incidentally this is number #547 of why I am still married to him.  (I make this list in my head - so it's #1 to you.)

So, as you may have guessed a few weeks after he asked me if I wanted to listen to music while running, he bought me an armband thingie and made me a 2011 "mix tape" called a "Playlist."  That was about six months ago and today (since I am half-assedly training for a third-marathon) I decided to give that thing a whirl.  I found some ear buds, strapped on that armband thingie and set off to run.

Keep in mind I've been a runner for longer than I've known hubby and today was the first day I have ever run with music.  Until today I truly thought I would prefer to run and just think (we all know how much I love to do that).  I also have been known to use this time to pray (before you snicker, just know I might be saying a rosary for you and if you are one of my faithful readers you probably need a rosary said for you).  Well, let's just say you might need to get your own connection with The Almighty now  because I might be addicted to running with music.

Because I love you and I want to share the deep and personal experience I had this morning of being in love and knowing that I married right, I am going to allow you an intimate view of my personal life.  No, it's not a video camera in the bedroom - it is a look at My RunRun Playlist incredibly NOT made by me, but made by hubby (that's where the love and marriage counseling come in)!  Consider it an early Christmas gift from me to you and you can thank me later.

I am linking these up so that if you already know the song you can jam out to it, and if you don't know the song you can consider broadening your horizons just a wee bit.

Here goes, run along with me:

1.  Gold Digger Kayne West Ft. Jamie Foxx.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vwNcNOTVzY&ob=av2e.  Now before you start preaching to me about Kayne West, let me just tell you I LOVE THIS SONG.  Hubby knows my overall feelings about Kayne, but he also knows that I love this song.  I would NEVER have met this song if it weren't for him.  Thank you hubby.  We are off to a great start.
2.  Gold Watch Lupe Fiasco.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6RUYAZRUZtA.  So, here's the thing about my husband.  He knows me THROUGH and THROUGH.  He knows that I love Lupe Fiasco (could be because I say it a lot), but here's the thing:  My FAVORITE song is The Show Goes On.  Hubby knows this which is why he didn't put that song on there (or at least that is what I am telling myself as I am well into my second hill).  He put a different song on there that is equally grand if not better so that I can broaden my horizons.  I LIKE your thinking, babe.
3.  Heaven Los Lonely Boys.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvkzoqQ5Oak&ob=av2e  Now this song just takes me back.  It's a little slow for running, but I can see hubby thinking of me while he downloaded this song onto my playlist. 
4.  Hi-Definition (feat. Snoop Dogg and Pooh E).  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HFYa-vEl3Y.  Oh, man.  Just click the song.  Lupe and Snoop???  Heaven.
5.  Paradise City Guns N' Roses http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rbm6GXllBiw&ob=av2e  As soon as this started playing I actually may have forgotten that I was running.  Now, this just proves that hubby is an oldie but a goodie.  AND I will let you in on a teensy secret that few have been lucky enough to witness:  Hubby does a MEAN Axle dance impersonation.  Picturing this actually made me sprint.
6.  Red Red Wine UB40.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXt56MB-3vc&ob=av2e.  So, this could be hubby's only Mix Tape Faux Pas and I blame it on him not actually being a runner.  This song could have actually slowed me down and I am pretty sure it made me want to go home and smoke a.........cigarette.
7.  Rapper's Delight.  Sugarhill Gang.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwaW4cZNwRk  Oh my.  I almost cried when this song came on!  If you are not a runner - play this song and you almost will HAVE to run.  "Ho-tel, mo-tel Holiday Inn..."  Tell me that doesn't make you wanna run???  Hubby, I think I love you.
8.  Rehab.  The late Amy Winehouse.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUmZp8pR1uc&ob=av2e  Wow.  I almost felt like saying a rosary when this came on.  Who knew she'd be dead when I played this song on my mix tape???  It was creepy and spiritual all at the same time.
9.  Ride With Me.  Nelly.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMBlq023IL8.  MUST BE THE MONEY.  Love.  This.  I did feel a little like smoking again though.  Just sayin'.
10.  Run Around.  Blues Traveler.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcTZHbNd8Gk.  Totally unexpected after Nelly.  Great move, babe.  You know just how to mix it up! 

Okay.  That's not all, but that's all I'm gonna give you.  I did run for one hour and fifteen minutes after all and I don't want to totally bore you.  Just know that when I was literally BREAKING DOWN.  Saint of Me by the Rolling Stones came on.  Hubby must know that Mick Jagger is possibly the only man that could make me keep running when my knees are screaming, "STOP or we are QUITTING."  Before you leave me a comment saying that this may be just like a date night and not a true key to a Happy Marriage.  Dont' worry!  I have already thought of that.  I know that tomorrow when I hear UB40 I may actually be annoyed.  But, that's where the second part of the title comes in.  I will always think back to the first time I heard the Playlist and I will have to smile because hubby loves me!

So, if want to stay married more than 20 years I have just a little advice for you.  Get out there and make your spouse a mix tape.  Or, if it's your spouse that's the music addict tell him/her you want a mix tape.  And then start running or doing whatever you do.  That's all I got for today.  Happy Mixin'!  And, you can thank me later for saving your marriage.  ;o)

Healthy Diet and Exercise, or EAT THE CAKE FIRST!

As many of you know, I am going through a crazy-a$$ midlife crisis which at any given moment can range in depth and proportion but for the most part is centered around, "I need to workout like a mad and crazy woman so that I can have a healthy body which may not look great, but that down deep is muscled and toned, and I need to change my eating habits from things that taste great to things that are good-for-you."

I said this is a "mid-life crisis" which I will clarify by saying:
1. I am not even sure what that means, and
2. I am realizing as the days pass that it is irrational on some levels. 

Why?  Nothing profound and requiring years of therapy.  It is quite simply difficult to understand and irrational - because I have four kids.

Yesterday:  Case in Point

5:40 - Alarm rang
6:00 - I was up.  Head ached from lack of sleep and no IV for my coffee.
6:45 - Peeps were up, breakfast was underway, lunches were being packed.
7:15 - We headed out the door a full 15 minutes early because I was dreaming of a pre-ZOO FIELD TRIP WITH MY NINE YEAR OLD BOY workout.  HUH?  Yeah, I know.  Irrational on some level.
7:30 - I was back home and promptly popped in the Reebok girl with whom I planned on "stepping" for 35 minutes.
7:30 - 8:00 - I stepped, got sweaty, stopped (yes, stopped) a few times to help a two year old pee and poop, I thought about the million things that had to be done before I could drop said two year old off at MDO and get on to the field trip.
8:00 - I said good-bye to my stepping friend early because I was then feeling a little frantic about what had to be done.  I promised myself that AFTER the zoo field trip when I was fresh and perky (???) I would finish my workout or do an additional workout with KK (can you see irrationality rearing its ugly head?).
8:00 - 8:50 - I ate a bowl of healthy oatmeal and a banana, fixed a healthy lunch for myself for the zoo (two homemade California rolls, one two day old apple, water, and trail mix with just a little dark chocolate in it), fixed "lunch" for my two year old who never eats anything anyway, got her dressed, cleaned the kitchen, put in a load of laundry, brushed and fixed her hair, showered, got dressed, packed everything twice after the two year old was helping me and unpacked it all.
9:00 - I was on my way to the zoo.
10:00 - I ate the trail mix because I was starving.
10:45 - I ate the rest of my son's heavily buttered and salted popcorn to "lighten my load" because popcorn is heavy.
11:30 - We broke for lunch and I ate the California rolls.  Note to self:  these are only yummy when they are fresh.  And I attempted to eat the apple which was mealy.
11:30 - 1:30 - I walked around the zoo and resisted the urge to buy an ice cream.
2:00 - 2:30 - I picked up baby, did a frantic thing at home that we like to call, "get-kids'-stuff-ready-for-piano-lessons-prep-for-a-quick-yet-healthy-dinner-which-has-presumably-been-planned-load-up-the-Yukon-and-take-off!"
2:50 - My two girl children bounded into the Yukon with Mother's Day Cakes that they had made at school.  I am pretty sure that's when my mouth started to water and I realized I was starving.
2:50 - 5:45 - Kids complained about no snack, they completed their piano lessons, and I tried to focus while dreaming of how I could justify eating cake for dinner AND eating the Mother's Day cakes four days before Mother's Day.
5:50 - Hubby called and asked what was for dinner.  I said, "Biscuits?    And........Mother's Day Cakes?"
6:00 - 6:20 -  We arrived home to an unplanned dinner.  Chaos ensued.  Backpacks flew, kids rushed to "talk" to dad, I frantically heated up a serious modge-podge of leftovers (including biscuits), and we unwrapped and examined both cakes.  We all dutifully ooed and ahed over the cakes.
6:25 - I got out a fork.

All my kids exclaimed, "MOM WHAT ARE YOU DOING???"

I quietly said, "I am eating the cake."

All my kids shouted, "YOU HAVEN'T EATEN DINNER AND IT'S FOR MOTHER'S DAY???"

I quietly said, "It's MY cake and if you be quiet I will give you some before your dinner, too."

Silence ensued, I ate my cake and there went my healthy diet.

Later when all the peeps were in bed, hubby was at the gym and I was WAY too exhausted to workout with KK or the Reebok girl.  I blog-surfed and was in bed by 10:30. 

And that is how the exercise went.

Healthy day, my friends.  Cake is on the menu for breakfast this morning and may just turn into lunch.  :o)

Don't panic. Mom's having (another) midlife crisis.

Today I decided to get on a bicycle.  I know.  What's the big deal, right?  Well, I am going to tell you The Big Deal.  I haven't been on a bike in about 15 years, it was a BMX bike, I had a full face helmet on (very attractive), and my hubby and my kids expected me to go up and down these wild dirt bumps (that if they had SNOW on them would be moguls) called "rollers" on our pump track out back.

You are probably thinking, "Sheesh.  Whose idea was that???"  Right???  Well, it was mine.  Call me crazy (I have been calling myself that all day).  I have been trying to figure out why in the HELL I would want to do this.  And, I can't quite put my finger on it.  Here is my list so far:

1.  I am having a midlife crisis (another one).
2.  I am going insane.
3.  I have a death wish.
4.  I have become obsessive about fitness.
5.  I want to conquer a fear I have of anything that might hurt.
6.  I have a competitive heart (I know.  That one is REALLY a long shot).
7.  I haven't been able to roller derby or write a book so I figure riding the hell out of a bike and not killing myself could quite possibly be the next best thing.
8.  I want to spend more time with my hubby and the kids (say what???).
9.  I thought about taking up knitting, but the bike and the helmet were here already.

So, enough about WHY.  Let me tell you what happened.  I think a timeline would be good.

10:00 a.m. - I was confident that I would be able to do the rollers after a little practice on the rest of our 100 foot loop pump track.  I happily put workout pants and a long sleeve t-shirt on and headed out back.  I wore hubby's full face helmet (which is really HEAVY) and used one of his bikes (more about the bike later).  It took me a few minutes to maneuver the bike back to the track.  When I put the bike on the track (which, sadly, is the first time I have looked at the track from the track) I realized there is NO SAFE PLACE to practice on the track.  My six year old told me the best way to start was to get on the top of a bump and just ride down and start riding up and down.  It took me a while to actually get ON one of those bumps (which, I have to say at 10:00 in the morning - and from the top - looked more like small mountains). 

10:05 - I was finally at the top of a roller ready to start my first ever ride around the track when I just froze (in fear) and began to tip right over.  This was really crazy (and very funny to my kids, apparently) because I wasn't actually going anywhere.  I just tipped over - not all the way.  I caught myself and hubby very gently said, "Babe.  I think it might be good if you practice a little in the cul-de-sac."  I did not take this condescendingly and promptly got off the track and onto the pavement out front.

10:15 - It took me a good 10 minutes to maneuver the bike off the damn track and back to the front where it was safe.  I had done NO ACTUAL RIDING and I swear I could have downed a Gatorade, and I am pretty sure I was sweating under that 20 pound helmet.

10:17 - I was on the PK Ripper in the front wondering how in the hell you ride a bike when hubby said (a little more forcefully), "Go, babe!"  Now, the PK Ripper is a tiny little (clown) bike which has an actual technical name (that I can't remember) and is used for an actual technical purpose.  (That purpose is not to have a mother of four riding a bike for the first time in 15 years.)  Before I could take off I had to show hubby that my knees were hitting the handlebars of this clown bike and that I thought it was too small.  "It's supposed to be like that, babe.  Anyway, you don't sit down.  Just ride standing up.  Go!"  I think it was at that point that my nine year old chimed in, "Mom.  Are you sure you know how to ride a bike???  I mean, did you learn when you were a little girl???"

Meanwhile, I am thinking that I am not really up to testing the adage, "Once you learn how to ride a bike....blah, blah, blah."  Not to mention the fact that I was not sure I remembered how to  RIDE STANDING UP???  At this point I was sure I had not fully thought this midlife crisis out.

10:19 - I did my first spin around the neighborhood on the PK Ripper.  Well, technically it was just about 20 yards to the mailboxes, but the kids were all cheering for me (and I am pretty sure hubby was rolling his eyes at me behind my back).  I did not fall down...but, I did not stand up. 

I must digress to tell you readers that I distinctly remember as a child riding standing up most of the time.  It took little to no effort.  HAVE YOU PEOPLE TRIED RIDING STANDING UP LATELY???  Jeesh.  Not only is it a trick of balance (of which - I have NONE), it requires strength.  Now, funny story about strength.  This midlife crisis has been building up for quite a while, so I have been working out.  I have been working out with Kim Kardashian (KK), some Reebok lady, and with my 30 pound baby, her 30 pound stroller, my Nikes and the hills right here in my neighborhood.  Well, none of this prepared me for standing up on the damn bike.  It was hard.....when I finally did it.

10:25 - After I felt I had mastered "to the mailboxes and back" I decided to try standing up.  It didn't work out too well.  I was really wobbly.  Hubby told me to get off the PK Ripper and get on the cruiser.  It would be safer he told me.

10:30 to around 10:40 - I rode around (standing up) on the cruiser on the pavement in the cul-de-sac.

10:40 - The kids got tired of cheering me after my first ride and started racing each other and trying to "stay out of mom's way."  My youngest biker (who is 6) started asking me if I was ever going to ride the track.

10:41 - I felt fairly accomplished and so my six year old and I headed back to the pump track.

10:45 - 11:00 - I tried to do the rollers.  My six year old coached me.........very patiently.  I started to tip many times and then finally I did one side of the rollers (well, if you don't count all the times I put my feet down because I was SCARED).  Just to feel accomplished I did the rollers three times while all the kids and hubby breezed around me.

11:10 - I took the helmet off.  The nine year old said, "Mom, are you done???  You are really sweaty.  Are you okay?"  

11:15 - I came inside and promptly fell sound asleep on the hardwood floor downstairs while the kids screamed and played around me and baby peed her pants.

So, where do we go from here?  I have no idea.  I have a deep desire to conquer the rollers, my butt hurts, my kids are less enthusiastic about me riding a bike than they were before today, I think hubby thinks I am a little nuts, and KK is going to be pissed at me when I can't work out with her tomorrow because I can't lift my arms.

Check me later.  I will either be racing at the actual track or knitting a large afghan.  Either way - another crisis down.