I think I've been nice.

Dear Santa,

(It's a short list.)

1.  Someone to come and take down all the Christmas paraphernalia, pack it up neatly, label it, and put it back in the attic so that next year we can avoid - near attic break through, miles of lights jumbled together, Christmas ornaments that never quite get put away and end up "by the phone" all year, and Boy Child using the dog's stocking because his is lost. 

If said "someone" looks like this, I will not complain.

Snap, Ms. DayintheLife!  Let's get your decorations down and organized! www.fanpop.com

2.  Downtown Abbey all seasons on Netflix.  Come on!  YOU ARE SANTA.  Or, you can buy it for me, but I already priced it at Target and it'd be cheaper to put it on Netflix.  And I bet it's on a few more people's lists?  Strategy, Santa!  Strategy!

3.  Season Four of The Killing.  Or, pay for rehab for me.  I trust you, Santa.  I know you will pick the one that is better for me.  But, remember, Old Man - Work Smart!  Rehab these days is expensive.

4.  My vision from my 20's back.  (My boobs are not on this list because they were on my list last year and I didn't get them.  So, I've decided not to be as greedy!  I am not too old to learn from my mistakes!)

5.  And, while we're talking eyes, could you make those nasty under eye circles go.  away?  Annoying!  I know you like people who help themselves (that's you, right?), so I'll tell you - I'm quite addicted to eye creams and am not above trying Preparation H.  I'll try that just as soon as I can get to the store without the five year old.  (Mom, What's a tampon?)

6.  My memory.  I can't remember if that made the list last year?

7.  Summer weather, but not with drought because I want to be good to the earth.  (See?  I've learned from my selfishness!)

8.  Don't worry, I'm almost done!  Remember Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory, Santa?  Well, there was this gum you could chew and it was like a whole dinner?  And then that obnoxious girl (I can't remember her name right now - see #6) ate some and ruined it for everyone?  Well, along the same lines as the gum that tastes like something great:  I want a beer that when I drink it, it tastes like everything good about Christmas.  (And if you want to make that zero calories - feel free to delete something else that I've asked for!)

That's it!  That's ALL, Santa!  I think I've been quite conservative and I have faith in you! 

Have a Merry Christmas, Santa!

Ms. DayintheLife

P.S. - I will practice extreme self-control and not eat your cookies!

Would you believe me if I told you it was Netflix's fault?

It's a good thing consistent blogging is not my real job.  And, let's not get into a discussion about:  What is my real job?

So, I've blogged like twice in the last month and a half?

Seriously.  I've considered shutting down my blog a lot during the past few months.  The problem is I cannot figure out how to transfer everything over to my 1991 Commodore without it completely blowing out the hard drive (kidding, but I do lack the technological skills and my laptop is almost that old).

So, here I am.

Netflix decided to release the third (?) season of Damages.  Freakin' finally (after I had completely forgotten what the f*ck happened in season one and two).  And then they released the third season of The Killing.  This is still sucking my time in a sickeningly enriching and enjoyable way.  Just last night I told hubby that when he dies I am totally stalking Holder.  Probably until I am jailed. 

And then Halloween happened somewhere in there.  Then after weeks of being smug about not getting sick like other (weaker) people and having a superior immune system - I got sick.  And, throughout all of this my Boy Child has had a teensy bit of an adjustment period...ahem...two months...ahem...to middle school.  I've had to navigate that complicated road between Helicopter Mom and Delinquent/Meth Mom.  That.  is.  time.  consuming.

What else?  Oh, yeah.  I have four kids and I painted my Yukon Cornelius yellow and threw up a taxi sign on top.

Cheesus.

Anyway.  I go to blog and here's what happens:

1.  Instead I clean out my 1044 emails because I am sick and tired of searching for that one email that is offering me a million dollars.  This takes about eight hours because I get distracted with wondering Do I want to improve my sex life?  And:  The fact that I have maybe 10 friends, so who are all these emails from?  Oh, yeah.  Some Russian chick wanting to be friends and that guy in South Africa who says we're related and needs my social security number (note to self:  I could totally have way more than 10 friends).

2.  I decide to make dinner (in which the smoke alarms signals it's ready).  True Story:  The five year old no longer responds at all when the smoke alarm goes off.  She asked me yesterday if it meant that I was cooking.  Thanks.

3.  I decide to clean the five year old's room (which has not been done since the last Saturday in August).  There are brand new clothes (summer clothes?) still in the bags (which my wonderful house cleaner has carefully hung on hangers in her closet).  Um, embarrassing.

4.  I decide to wash the Yukon.  During which time we find:  a half a sandwich (thank God it looked like peanut butter and jelly - which never really goes bad, right?), one apple (at least I think it was an apple?), numerous Craisins (seriously - a lot - I probably could have bagged them up and returned them to Costco - WTF?  - they cost too much to be wandering loose in the Yukon), seven paperclips (next time I'll just go to the Yukon when I need one), a jacket that's been missing since we went on summer vacation, and lots of homework papers.  Um, Boy Child?  Are those yours?

5.  I decide to change the calendar.  Which causes me to ponder the last month and think about how much I love Halloween and hate Christmas, which makes me sad, and guilty, and want to work on the family budget, which makes me sick, which makes me want to write down all the people I will give gifts to, which makes me shorten the list, which makes me really dread Christmas and wish Halloween could be twice, which makes me feel guilty, which makes me want chocolate, which makes me write chocolate down on the list, which makes me remember to update the calendars.

6.  I decide that instead of blogging what I really want to do is read all the blogs I love.  I get through one, laugh a lot, and then decide again to shut down my blog because I am not as good as all the people I love to read. 

7.  I download MayMyRun and MyFitnessPal (apparently "Pal" means Nazi-friend who chides your every bite).  After running for nearly all my life, I finally take the advice of a friend and download an app which virtually runs for me.  But, not quite.  I still have to get up and run.  Damn it.  I quickly became obsessed not with actually working out, but with knowing everything about my working out (mainly the fact that I am not working out).  How is this helpful?  Here's the app I want:  The one that works out and eats right for you while you are um, working and sleeping and catching up on Netflix?

8.  I look over at my enormous pile of prints and feel overwhelmed with guilt.  So, I actually work.  At what I get paid for.  Yeah.  Someone please give me a million dollars.  Wait.  Where's that email?

I'm no NOBLO MOFO (similar to NANOWRIMO, but you don't need to see a doctor for it).  And like the alcoholic I am taking it one day at a time.  I can only say I am sober blogging today. 

I've missed you blogosphere and I hope to see more of you soon.  Now, for the love of Pete, go do something useful!

My New Year's resolution for you is for you to make New Year's resolutions.

I'm not a huge fan of resolutions, but I make them every year.  I've had moderate success over the years, so that seems reason enough not to stop.

In order to achieve some level of success and be a reliable resolution setter, I've learned to:  1.  Set the bar low.  2.  Make the number small.  3.  And, keep getting back on the wagon until it finally runs me over.

Resolutions 2013.

1.  I resolve to not interrupt any of my children or my husband when they are talking (I will also try not to interrupt anyone else, but see paragraph 2, #1).  I have an annoying habit of always thinking I know what everyone is going to say before they say it (nine times out of ten I am right).  So, I just say it while they are still talking trying to say what they were going to say.  Our conversations are basically one person talking (or a few people talking) and me interrupting (or a few people interrupting).  So, basically nothing ever gets completely said or understood. 

But, it's really hard for me not to interrupt....in fact I may already need to interrupt this resolution to amend it!  Damn it!  I resolve to not interrupt any of my children or my husband when they are talking on Mondays?

2.  I resolve not to go for seconds.  (I'm gonna need some bigger plates.)  My good friend recently lost a good amount of weight and when I asked her about how she did it she said, "I don't go for seconds.  Sometimes my plate is loaded down and somewhat hard to carry, but I do not go for seconds anymore."



I might need to buy these "extra large dinner plates."  And the fork and spoon might need to find my home, too.
 

3.  I resolve to exercise first thing in the morning.  Lately (since about Halloween) my workouts have gotten later and later.  I find myself spending all morning (and much of the early afternoon) in my workout clothes.  One of two things has been happening:  1.  It gets too late to actually workout and I realize I've spent a good deal of the day answering the questions - Oh, did you just run?  Oh, are you getting ready to run?  or 2.  I don't shower for days because I end up having just enough time to workout, but not to shower.  Both of these options are uncomfortable and problematic.



#lessembarrassingthechildren?

4.  I resolve to eat all the remaining crap food in the house by Monday.  I know better than to resolve to "eat healthy," or "lose the holiday weight gain," or any other overachieving resolution like that.  I simply want all this sh*t a$$ food out of my house so that I have a fighting chance...and I'm not going to throw it away (because there are starving people somewhere in the world who would give the world to eat these seven remaining fudge brownies).

5.  I resolve to make more resolutions for other people.  It never fails that while I am doing my resolutions I really can't think of many ways to improve myself.  But, I can think of many ways in which to improve the people I live with.  So, rather than let this eat away at me why not just help them resolve some things for themselves?  It's brilliant, right?

Resolution #1 for all family members (except me) - put things back where they belong...damn it!  I think if they all just did that we could have peace in our house for all of 2013 (or even just for a few days).

Okay.  That's it.  Five simple resolutions.  Set the bar low and make the number small!  And help your fellow resolutioners out when you can!

I hope you guys have success and peace in the New Year (and a little money wouldn't hurt either...or a lot of money) and I'll be back soon with photos of our new addition to the family.  (It's a boy!)

it's not perfect, but it's perfect to me.

this has been a pretty nearly perfect Christmas season for me.  of course, i am me, so there have been plenty of non-perfect things.

• two work screw-ups.  both my fault.  both causing me grief because i hate to screw-up.  both causing a bout of mild fairly short-lived depression.
• more than two sibling fights which caused me to threaten to take away Christmas (again?) (can you even take Christmas away??).
• a slightly skewed gift buying extravaganza in which the boy child was somewhat shorted.  thankfully he didn't seem to mind and in the end it all worked out.
• Christmas cards that were never purchased and therefore never went out.
• a family Christmas calendar that will not go out until January.  is it ironic that i give a calendar as a gift and it is late?
• my warped thinking that since the kids didn't get out of school until the 21st i would have plenty of time to finish everything that needed to get done.
• spell check not working and me not being able to spell appropriately right now.

and i am sure more things went wrong that i have completely blocked from memory by now.

the perfectness?

• getting to spend time with a really good friend who now lives in Africa.  having her family here for the holidays has been just like old times.
• a certain neighbor boy who listened to hubby tell him how to make the perfect fire and who has made two (three?  i've lost all track of time in the four days that school's been out.) perfect morning fires with the remains of hubby's night fires.  thank you, neighbor boy child.
• a small group of fabulous neighbors who continue to make Christmas eve great and delicious.
• being with my kids.  even though half the time they are trying to harm each other or drive me bat $hit crazy.
• watching the painfully shy girl 1 perform in the annual Christmas school production.
• going to my second Christmas cookie class.  this time with girl 1 and girl 2 in tow.  
• seeing the kids' faces Christmas morning and knowing that all the non-perfectness has been worth it all along.

peace you guys.  i hope that the blessing of Christmas stays with you for a while and that even as it starts to fade you still have a tasty drink in hand and loved ones nearby. 

i leave you with these beauties created by the dayinthelife cookie makers.

my creations.

girl 1's creations.

girl 2's creations.  and to all a good night.

Is Christmas early this year? Or, is it just me?

CHEEZUS, people.  Short list:

1.  Buy presents.

2.  Wrap them.

3.  Make consolidated list with which to buy presents.

4.  Do not get distracted.

5.  Work out in preparation for another eating binge to rival Thanksgiving 2012 dubbed "Eatageddon".

6.  Buy soon to be 11 year old (when did that happen?) presents for his birthday...in FIVE DAYS.  *hit.

7.  Find out what said soon to be 11 year old wants.

8.  Learn to count on a list.

7.  Do not get distracted.

8.  Make a list for making the list.

9.  Drink a beer...or possibly a shot would be better?  In the head?

10.  Look at the calendar and see exactly when Christmas is.

11.  Have a panic attack because there is no way all of this is going to get done and spend the rest of the day being distracted and overwhelmed.

Shoot me.  Now.

Don't expect a thank you card and my restrooms aren't that clean either.

So, Christmas always make me feel like an underachiever.  Which I am.   So, I guess Christmas is like honesty?  Anyway.  Here's the short list.

1.  I got a Christmas card from some dear friends today and it is cute, clever, and their family is gorgeous.  I was shocked and a little disappointed to find out people still send Christmas cards.  Shocked because I have seen more than one poll on social media (oh, if I had a dollar for every time someone said "social media") lately that asked whether it was kosher to said out electronic Christmas cards (see what I just did there).  Disappointed because the guilt is laid for me to send out cards now.

Anyway.  My Christmas card (if they actually make it out before Christmas) is going to be a (most likely illegal) reprint of the photo I paid five bucks for at our church this past Sunday.  It's all four kids with Santa.  Boy child wouldn't wear the coordinated outfit I had selected for him, Girl 1 doesn't believe in Santa so she's eyeing the Santa suspiciously, the Santa is Mexican, Girl 3 is smiling but in a different direction than everyone else, and did I mention I paid only five bucks for the photo?  If I'm feeling merry I will put a saying on it.  If not, it will say "Merry Christmas!"

2.  Girl 1 and I went running the other day and I asked her if she still believed in Santa.  Now, maybe this was self-serving, but it's over now so who cares?  She said (not her exact words because my memory is a sieve), "Well, you better tell me if there is a Santa or not before I have kids of my own because that would really stink if I relied on Santa and didn't buy any presents and then there was no Santa.  Right?  Because then my kids wouldn't get any presents and it would be my fault.  Do you know how bad that would be, mom?"  Good point.  I'm all about honesty, so I just told her the truth (no, not that there really is a Santa if you truly believe or whatever).  After I came clean with all the lies I've told over the years (I felt a little like I'd been to therapy) she said, "Well, I never really believed it.  I mean flying reindeers, mom?  Come on.  Who made all that stuff up anyway?  Seems like whoever it was they could have done better than that."  Is she my daughter?

3.  I can't keep a restroom clean during the holidays to save my life.  Every blessed day it's like World War III in there.  We have about 8000 trees in our backyard and every year around this time our backyard is like a horror movie about leaves.  I sweep a small leaf bag up in my house daily and daily I consider using a leaf blower inside instead of a broom.  The bathroom is the worst.  Not only is it normal bathroom yuck (remember six people regularly use the bathroom downstairs plus friends) but to make it worse, there are leaves and mulch all over the floor.  I have my Christmas scenter in there and my Christmas soap, but people it's just not working.  My mother would be appalled.

4.  I believe in thank you cards, but I just never write them.  I know, I know.  Again, my mother would be appalled.  She firmly believed in thank you cards.  And, in theory, so do I.  I am so thankful.  In my heart.  But, on paper - it's a whole other beast.  First you have to find the cards.  Then you have to find the time to write the cards.  Then you have to remember who gave you what (because I never remember to write that stuff down).  Then you have to mail or deliver the cards.  Both of which can be problematic.  Stamps.  Memory to remember to give the cards to the people.  Are you tired?  Because I am.  So, here's the deal.  Feel free to send me all kinds of Christmas presents.  Just know you are never going to get a thank you card.  But, I will be so thankful in my heart. 

5.  Every year for the past few years we have gotten a couple of gorgeous plates of Christmas cookies.  How do these people do it?  Here's how Christmas cookie making in my house usually goes.  I spend hours on Pinterest and the internets searching for fabulous cookie decorating tips and ideas.  I finally make the cookies and have all these grandiose ideas of how I am going to decorate them.  The kids sense I am going to try and do something fun by myself and they come from miles to get in on my alone time.  I end up making a lot more frosting because half of theirs ends up on the floor, in their mouths, in their sibilings' hair, and on the furniture.  They manage to eat, "decorate," destroy, or break almost all the cookies then they scatter like cockroaches when I tell them it's time to clean everything up.  I end up too tired to decorate the two cookies that remain so I just slap some black (because that's the only color that's left) frosting on them and call it a day.  Hubby comes in and says, "What are you doing?"  I say, "Oh, just decorating Christmas cookies."  He says, "Why did you do the trees black?"

Honesty people.  It's the best policy.  I'm going to stop blogging now and try and work on my pirated 2012 Christmas cards. 

Try to have a great week.

Hello, Blog. Remember me?

It's December as evidenced by a serious lack of posts.

Here is the short list.

1.  I hate Elf on a Shelf.  WTF?  My hatred for this creepy guy is about equal to the amount of crap that I have to see about what he's done.  I will say about him what I say about dogs who $hit on the floor, "Hot dog."  I am sorry if that doesn't make sense to you.  (It's 5:30 a.m.)

2.  It's 5:30 a.m.  And here I am blogging.  When I got up early to work.  Damn it.  I hate it when I do this.

3.  I have not started any Christmas shopping because in a rage and fit of anger I told the kids Christmas was cancelled (I think that was before Halloween).  Can Christmas be cancelled?

4.  I will be attending three Christmas parties in three days this weekend.  This makes me delighted in that I haven't felt this popular since one time in high school when my name was called over the loud speaker and it was said that I had won something (that was later explained as a mistake).  It also makes me feel like Christmas parties make the list right there with:  work, laundry, cleaning, cooking, and other things I am obliged to do.

6.  I can't count.

7.  I am considering just buying more storage boxes for our Christmas decorations for my Christmas presents.  This is just wrong on so many levels.

8.  I miss you guys and Pinterest as much as I miss no grey hair.

9.  Life has been incredibly not funny lately.  This is actually a good thing because it means all my kids (and hubby) are being fairly well behaved.  I am pleased that we all might be learning how to get along and a little disappointed that I really have nothing to say.

10.  I have no desire to eat sweets.  At this exact moment.  (Did I say it's just after 5:30 a.m.?)  I will ride this train until it stops.  Which judging from past experience should be around 8:00 p.m. tomorrow night when I will want more beer and a sandwich.  And maybe some chocolate cake after that.

11.  I still suck at wrapping presents.  Seriously?  I am The Worst Wrapper Ever.  People actually sent me videos last year on Facebook to help me.  It didn't help.  When do kids reach the age where I can just go, "There.  Here's your Target bag with your presents in it."  I am really like Santa in that way.  Doesn't he just put everything in a big black bag?  Or do all the creepy elves do the wrapping?  If it's the creepy elves, maybe I need some of those guys?

12.  Y'know how we don't have cable?  Well every year I wait for all the Christmas shows on regular T.V.  Yeah, I know.  Like who does that anymore?  ME.  Well, I think I missed Rudolph.  Damn it.  That's my FAVORITE.  Now I have to wait until next year.  Again, this is wrong on so many levels.

P.S.  (Because at 5:30 a.m. I cannot be expected to remember things well.)  13.  Yesterday hubby and I went to see a lawyer (not a divorce lawyer).  In the span of about an hour (because we were paying her by the hour and she gets paid $380 an hour so you know I was doing some serious clock watching) she told us she used to be an RN and she had an MBA.  Yowza.  And now she's a lawyer who makes $380 an hour?  I left feeling like a serious under achiever.  Oh, and she asked us to sign a contract.  Is it weird that I was confused?  "Um, I'm going to have to have my lawyer review this.  Oh, wait..."

That's all I got.  My kids are now up.  

Have a great weekend, guys and I hope I am back in the land of the blogging soon. 

If you've seen my willpower, please send it home.

Here we are in that wayward time between Christmas and New Year's Eve when everyone is trying to: 1.  Clean the house (or, in my case, figure out how long you can go without cleaning the house before people get tired of stepping in goo, moving boxes around to eat, or wearing semi-clean underwear), 2.  Lose weight (just so you can eat without guilt in four more days), 3.  Figure out new electronics (in our case that would be a Wii - I know, not new, but new to us), 4.  Return Christmas presents you didn't really want and replace them with more crap stuff you don't really want do want, and 5.  Really just hang on psychologically until New Year's Day when you can let loose, be justified with all the looming resolutions you need to crank out on, and look forward to returning back to "normal." 

Well, I just wanted to check in with you during this sensitive time and let you know what I am dealing with (because, in the end, it's all about me).

1.  I am dealing with resisting tons and tons of sweets and chocolate.  I *might* be addicted to sweets and I *might* need an intervention and 12 step program.  Seriously.  I cannot resist all this sugar.  I am powerless against it.  Here is what stares back at me when I look in my kitchen (warning:  this list is a little obscene):  chocolate covered pretzels, an assortment of chocolate treats from a Hershey's bag, pecan sugar cookies, Christmas sugar cookies, fudge, cookies from the sweet neighbors delivered last night (because we didn't have enough), turtle pie (which is a little like heaven), Lindor chocolates, and some little green and red M&M's that are very handy and melt in your mouth not in your hands.  I have often justified eating all of these sweets by saying to myself that the sooner I eat them the sooner I will not have to deal with them anymore. 
2.  I am also dealing with lots of regular food that is not healthy.  Leftover ham (you know how much I love ham), chips of every variety, Chex Mix, and an assortment of nuts.  I justify eating this food by saying that it's healthier than eating all the food in #1.  Pretzels and Chex cereal are almost fruits and vegetables, right?
3.  I am dealing with wanting to drink lots of beer.  Partly because it's "vacation" and partly because the Wii has been running 24/7 since Santa brought it.
4.  Speaking of the Wii - I am dealing with it.  I am not a gamer, the music is annoying (but addicting), and I am not a gamer.
5.  I am dealing with the inability to exercise effectively.  This is largely (no pun intended) due to the fact that I have gained about 10 pounds and can no longer support the weight of my body.

So, in a nutshell (Which reminds me I am also tempted by a variety of nuts??? DID I SAY THAT???), if you find my willpower wandering around - SEND IT BACK.  I NEED it.  Please and thank you!

Countdown: Negative One. The After.

If you are reading this, you made it!  You survived Christmas 2011.  Congratulations.  As promised (due to the comments from three of my favorite faithful readers) I am going to bring you The After and a short list (because even though a picture is worth a 1000 words, sometimes 1000 words is just not enough).  It was an amazing Christmas (partly due to the amount of food I consumed and partly due to children who behave when surrounded by every toy they could possibly imagine).  So, here is the photo recap.

The wrapping carnage.



Some of the kids.  Now, amazingly, well behaved.




The brussel sprouts.  Yes, I said, "brussel sprouts" (see the note on that later because we are that hip).



The New Green Bean casserole.  See note on that later.



The tamales.  These are home made.  Yes, I ate one for you.  And, yes, it was yummo.




The ham.  Yes, my love for ham is a little obscene.




The children.  Again, oddly well-behaved.




One of the Presents of the Day.  An autographed copy of Eva Longoria's cook book (if you look closely you will see that she wrote, "To Monica - One of the best cooks I know and the inspiration for this book!" - or at least that's what it looks like she wrote).



Apparently my brother knows me better than I thought.  (As evidenced by this T-shirt he gave me.)




Ah.  Love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control are born into the hearts of mankind.  Let's see how long before they are evicted.

Now, for the list:

1.  I heard on NPR a while back that brussel sprouts are the new black.  And thanks to my nephew our family was hip this Christmas (the brussel sprouts were good, too).
2.  Again, my nephew and niece saved the day by bringing some tamales they made......with their hands.  What a relief to eat home made tamales on Christmas.  Thank you, Niece and Nephew.  You have guaranteed your lifetime invitation to our home for Christmas.
3.  Although my family (and by "my family" I mean "hubby") tends to be staunch traditionalists when it comes to holiday meals, I tried two new recipes.  Both were DELISH and you can find them here:

• Hubby and my brother could possibly be the only people on earth that love green bean casserole.  I kinda think it's food porn.  BUT, this scrumptious recipe by Paula Deen was recommended by a friend (thank you, friend).  It is Paula Deen, so it consists mostly of cheese and butter (and a few green beans thrown in for good measure).  Hubby's only complaint (hubby is a freak) was that he prefers canned green beans.  Hello?  Food 911?  HUBBY NEEDS AN INTERVENTION STAT.
• The other recipe was from another friend, but I found one to pass on to you that is just as yummy and the one I actually used (since I didn't want to risk my life by making another trip to the grocery store).  It is a Christmas morning recipe that can bake while you are opening presents.  The key there is to remember to put it into the oven at the crack a$$ of dawn, pre-coffee.  Note to self:  Next year do not rely on memory.  Make an actual note.

5.  As you might know, my list to Santa was kind of taken care of by me.  So, I was not expecting any gifts.  What I got were some AWESOME gifts.  My sister really took the cake (and this is NOT to say that I did not LOVE all the other gifts from my super great hubby, my sweet, sweet kids, my friends, and other family members) this year.  But, sissy gave me the above signed cookbook.  It's not that I cook, like to cook, aspire to be a great cook - or any of that.  I just have this thing about food, cookbooks, the Food Network, great restaurants, and anywhere I can see and enjoy great food.  So, really it was an AWE-SOME gift.  The other crazy thing she got me is a Christmas apron.  I know - totally dorky, right?  But, here's the crazy thing - I was in Hobby Lobby the other day and I thought, "I need a Christmas apron."  Kind of like when you see a great car and you're like, "I need a Jag."  So, now I have one.  Yay, me!  Oh, and YAY, sissy!  You totally earned your shirt that says, "My sister has the best sister ever."

So, that's my wrap-up.  I hope yours was grand, too.  It may be 2012 before I write again.  Depends on how well I can recover from the weight gain.  Peace!

Countdown: ONE. A New Tradition....Maybe.

So, if you have been living under a rock for the past week (or in Denial) - countdown is ONE.  IT IS THE DAY OF CHRISTMAS EVE, folks.  Since most of you might be doing any combination of the following:  1.  Fighting the crowds and chaos and doing last minute shopping, 2.  Working out in an effort to lose the 10 pounds you have gained since Halloween, 3.  Screaming at your kids Gently having to remind your kids every three seconds that Santa is still watching and could still move their names to the Naughty List, 4.  Frantically making homemade gifts to pass out tonight at your Christmas parties, 5.  Watching the clock to see when it is noon and you can break open the "merriment,"  6.  Or, just enjoying the season, I am not going to bring you a witty post and expect you to read it with interest and enthusiasm (you're welcome). 

Instead, I thought I'd start a new tradition on my blog.  (If it works and people like it - as evidenced by thousands of comments on what a creative person I am and how you love my blog and my new traditions - it will be a tradition.  If not, then consider this a "filler" and know that my next post will be way better.)  I thought on Christmas Eve I would show you a few "before" photos.  And then after Christmas I thought I'd bring you some "after" photos and we'll compare the two.

The tree.  And the presents.  Wrapped to the best ability - which is low.

The ham.  Waiting to be devoured.  That sounds dirty, and the way I love ham - it kinda is.

The children.  Ignoring me when I tell them, "SANTA IS WATCHING, $#%#-%$!!!!!"

The children.  Still ignoring me.

The tamales.  Don't judge.  They are NOT homemade.

The merriment.  For me.  Yes, I am cheap, but not easy.  ;o)

The Boy.  Trying to figure out if you can snort candy.

The cookies.  Decidedly it was easier to decorate nicely when I paid $25.00 and was provided all the proper tools.

Mary and Joseph anxiously awaiting the birth of Jesus so that the anger and bitterness of a nine month pregnancy will subside.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Families with last names R-Z will have to wait until next Christmas.

Christmas comes on December 25th every year.  So, it's a little incomprehensible and unsettling why every year December 20 rolls around and I still have a list of 150 things left to do before the 25th.  It *could* have something to do with my procrastination abilities.  Like right now, for example.  I am supposed to be working on my annual family calendar - which was due to the printer yesterday.  The printer loves me so she gave me two extra days to finish (Family if you are reading this - I am sorry.  I $uck.)  So, I could be doing the calendar.  Or, I could be finishing paperwork from working today.  Or, I could be doing one of the prints in the pile of prints that lay taunting me on my desk.  Or, I could be mixing some cookie dough so that Santa's cookies will actually be ready before he comes down the chimney.  Or, I could be doing the rest of our Christmas cards.  But, I am blogging.  So, it goes.  When I am hard pressed to get things done I find at least 20 other super important things that are more pressing.  This list usually includes things like:  polish my nails, surf the net for random facts, examine the crises in the Middle East, attempt to begin a historical novel (I hate historical novels), reteach myself knitting, pin cool stuff on Pinterest, etc., etc.  THAT is the long reason of why I am bringing you a quick little list of:

Random Things You Might Need To Know Five Days Before Christmas

1.  It is harder to blog my one and only son's cherished birthday celebration than it is to do a procrastination blog.  Sorry.  I might get it done sometime before his 11th birthday.

2.  Consider this one a PSA freebie.  (You're welcome.)  Generally I am a fan of Christmas programming (Who doesn't need for their kids to watch Rudolph like zombies while they are frantically doing Christmas cards?).  This year I stumbled across what sounded like a great Christmas show my kids had never seen, Rudolph and The Flight Before Christmas (not to be confused with the traditional Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer).  Instead of zombie children and a nice break for me to get more Christmas crap stuff done, what I got were questions about:  fatherless children, sex before marriage, and living with only one parent.  Merry Christmas to me!  A trailer stating the following would have been super great.
"This show examines the life of a reindeer named Rudolph whose mother and birth-father had premarital unprotected sex one night during a 'flying fling.'  Little Rudolph goes in search of his birth-father who does not know his mother even got knocked up and wants nothing to do with him anyway.  Wolves which are evil and anti-Christmas decide to eat Santa and his reindeer.  All ends well when the chipmunk (Was it a chipmunk?  It's always hard to tell with animation.) decides that he has been a better father to Rudolph than Rudolph's own scum-bag father."
I personally want to thank ABC for teaching my three year old about vicious wolves that eat Santa and reindeer who father illegitimate children.  As far as a rating on this one - I'm not sure I was mature enough to watch it.

3.  My three year old displayed once again how she is headed down a path of destruction and demise when she refused to be a shepherd in the school pageant and insisted she was an angel.  Her reasons?  Shepherds are ugly.  Shepherds just watch Jesus' sheep.  Shepherd costumes are ugly.  Shepherds don't have stars.  Angels are sparkly.  Angels are beautiful.  She is an angel.  Blech.  Who are her parents???  Why can't they control her???

4.  Before my bedazzling cookie class, I made some extra Christmas cookies to frost and decorate later.  Later as in the next day or the day after that.  They have all been eaten.  Unfrosted.  Undecorated.

5.  And most sadly in my random list is the fact that families with last names from R-Z really get the shaft.  You guys probably won't get a Christmas card from me this year.  I go in order of my address book (yes, I still have one of those) and this year I got to "Q" and stopped.  I haven't started again and I doubt I will.  So, if you are a friend and you are a "R-Z," MERRY CHRISTMAS!  You got a post instead of a card - consider yourself lucky!

Countdown:  FIVE, my friends.  Peace out.

And the wax gets a shine.

Preface:  I had planned on getting back to you yesterday with all the skinny on M's gaming party, but I am going to bring you this post instead.  (A large part of yesterday was spent recovering from said gaming party because I am older than Abraham.)  As you know, I can barely remember what I ate for breakfast so when I have a great time and meet great people I have to blog about it ASAP or I will forget the entire incident.  I am fairly good at remembering my family, so that is why M's post is going to wait.  Thanks for understanding and I promise to make it up to you.

Last night was hubby's company Christmas Party.  If you are a regular you know that hubby works for a pretty amazing company that knows how to throw a Christmas party.  This year was just as great as last year minus The Janet Jacksonish Wardrobe Malfunction and the Not Free Coffee.  If you did not read that post - garter belts are a must and remember to pay for your purchases.  This year as an added bonus we did not get pulled over!  So yay us!

I have not had a decent night's sleep in weeks, so I am just going to give you a list entitled:

Not Your Regular Office Christmas Party

1.  I wore a dress I got from Goodwill. 

Did it work?  You be the judge.

2.  I got to see hubby in a suit not his scrub-like get-up.  He's a hottie everyday.  He's a Hottie when he wears a suit.
3.  We spent six hours sans children.
4.  The Owner of the Company took time to chat with people in a genuine way.  Not only is he great  for keeping hubby employed so that we can all eat and stuff, he is also great because he said he "enjoys my blog."  (That's not really a direct quote because my mind is a sieve - but it's close enough.)  Say what?  Yes.  Apparently the Owner of a COMPANY has read my blog.  Sa-weet!  Merry Christmas, Owner of Company!
5.  We sat next to a lovely couple, Fred and Ginger (Names changed to protect the innocent.  I think I changed their names.  You know I am REALLY bad with names).  Here's why they were lovely:

• They had four children as well, so they understood the excitement that comes with being away from home for a company Christmas Party (or for any reason for that matter).
• .When they asked if I "worked outside the home" they did not use any acronyms.  Nor did they shrink back awkwardly when hubby explained what I do.  By the way, what do I do?
• When I told Ginger I did not enjoy dancing but did enjoy chair dancing, there *may* have been some confusion around the table about the critical differences between chair dancing and lap dancing.  Then when I explained (don't worry - not in detail) what I meant, instead of thinking I was a total nut, she laughed.
• Hubby and I doing the fish hook move (or was it just me?) *may* have gotten Fred and Ginger on to the dance floor. 

6.  Hubby got an attractive murse as a Christmas gift.  With his name on it.

Hubby, is that you? 

7.  I got four drink tickets because hubby doesn't drink.  Please and thank you, hubby!
8.  I got to eat food that I didn't have to cook without the interruption of four small people incessantly asking me for crap stuff.
9.  Virginia (hubby's supervisor) was hubby's dance partner for the dance competition, not me!  I am one body part from neck to knees, so dancing is not my friend (see #5).  Hubby, on the other hand, is Plastic Man from the 70's.  Sadly, they did not win the dance competition.  It was not for lack of trying.  Awesome dancing Virginia and hubby!

Hubby doing the "warm up" to the competition.

10.  The incident with the Brazilian Wax won hubby the Mr. Clean Award!  Yes!  Not only did Hubby's ironic naivete make great blog fodder, it paid off for us! 

That's my list bloggy peeps.  I can really only think of one thing I don't like about hubby's company Christmas party.  It only comes once a year.  Countdown:  Seven.  Happy day!

Because I don't have enough to do...

I decided to go to a cookie decorating class tonight.  Here is what I made:

Here is what I learned:

1.  It is harder than it seems.
2.  There is an art to making a simple straight line.
3.  All those fancy balls are called, "dragees" pronounced dra-ZHAY.  Although, I am not sure that's how I heard it pronounced tonight.  It is a French word that means, "small balls."  I'm not sure that's correct either.  But it sounds good and might be helpful information should I ever go to France.
4.  There are dragees that are actually edible jewels.  They cost a lot of money and I have two in this box.  One of them is purple and looks like the Queens' jewels.
5.  I can bedazzle the hell out of a cookie and I tend to get a little carried away.
6.  The dragees although beautiful are hard on the teeth and baby might have to have oral surgery after eating one of these cookies.
7.  All dreams of opening a cookie shop and becoming famous and rich were dashed tonight when I realized it is actual work....and I may not be a "natural."
8.  Vodka is the perfect solution in which to mix drawing glitter for painting the cookies.  It is also good to drink some straight while decorating with small balls.  I don't think it was allowed tonight so we used water.
9.  The next class I am going to sit closer to the over achieving girl who was clearly a professional cookie decorator.  That way I can photograph her cookies and post them to my blog.  JUST KIDDING...........kind of.
10.  The next class I will also bring my vodka with me in order to be fully prepared.

I hope you find some time to procrastinate and do something wildly fun and not on your list.  And, don't be afraid to throw some small balls and vodka in there, too.

Dear Santa, Would it be too much to ask?

Every year, typically around the 16th, I get asked what I want for Christmas.  This is usually after all the cookies are baked and decorated, presents are bought and half of them are usually wrapped, school Holiday parties are attended, recitals are done, Christmas clothes are purchased (and if we are lucky - matching!), tamales are ordered, cards are sent (well, mostly), token gifts for the neighbors are ready to be passed out (If you are a neighbor reading and you don't get one of those, remember: this blog is mostly true.) etc., etc.  And my usual answer is:  I have everything I want.  Oh, vomit, right?  So, this year I decided to veer greatly of course.  Without being prompted about two weeks ago, I made and submitted (To hubby - I don't fully trust Santa because he wears those shiny, white gloves.) this list:

(Carefully not numbered to avoid sounding greedy.)

• bras (Because when do we, as women, not need those?)
• panties (Ditto and preferably not edible or crotchless - ew!  Sorry.)
• a Keurig coffee maker (No, I don't already have one of those.  If you would like an address to make donations to make this a reality - let me know!)
• make-up that is not crusty because I am pretty sure that's not how make-up is supposed to be
• slippers - the warm kind with animal bodies (Not real animals - don't call PETA.  Although, since I have never tried the real animal kind I cannot really speak against it.)
• a nice, big purse (one that holds snacks, feminine products, deodorant, cologne - that I'm getting - a styling brush, a spare pair of panties - FOR THE KIDS, wipees, etc.)
• cologne
• work-out clothes
• new pajamas
• fashionable boots
• a winter coat
• a stapler that I don't have to smack each time I staple something
• a decent pencil sharpener (yes, I still use pencils)
• a lot of James Avery jewelry
• accessories (any kind, really)

Even now as I look back at this list I am surprised at how shocking it is - to me.  Now, here's the part that is really shocking.  I have purchased nearly everything on the list already!  Shame on me!?  Possibly.  I am still thinking about it.

But, here's the REAL reason for the post.  Sorry.  I am in a meandering sort of mood.  THIS is the list that is not being submitted because it is truly too much to ask..............for even SANTA with his white, shiny gloves.

(And yes, I numbered this one so that just in case Santa is one of my blog readers he won't think I am too greedy.)
What I Would Really Like for Christmas

1.  Sleep.  Like for a long time.  Till I am ready to get up.  AND THEN, no talking until I have had as much coffee as I would like (Keurig coffee or Starbucks).  AND THEN, my breakfast brought to me.
2.  Weight loss without exercise.  I really hate exercise. 
3.  A call from a publisher offering me a million dollar advance on my parenting book..
4.  Calorie-less beer that tastes great and actually combats bloating and aging.
5.  A personal bartender (that looks like Johnny Depp and brings his own liquor - because liquor is not cheap).
6.  A personal assistant who while doing all my crap for me also teaches me how to do it for myself (kind of like the whole teach a girl to fish thing) so that I can eventually say goodbye to him (cause personal assistants are a little creepy) and voila I am an assistant to MYSELF.  And if this person could make me crafty and able to do all home improvement that would be great, too.  (AND if he has to look like Johnny Depp, too, that's cool).
7.  To be like Samantha from Bewitched and have all the Christmas decorations put themselves away after Christmas by just crinkling my nose or snapping my fingers.
8.  Ditto for making my kids behave.
9.  World peace (See Santa - I am not a total schmuck.)
10.  Big boobs and flawless skin (Okay - maybe I am.)

I've been mostly nice this year, so we'll see how it all works out.  Update on the 26th.  Be merry, friends!

Turtle Wax? No, I'll take the Brazilian.

So, just in case your to-do list looks like mine - I have a little Christmas hilarity for you.  I feel compelled and completely justified putting that in LARGE letters.  Take a time-out from your shopping, card writing (If you need my address - leave a comment.), baking, eating, and drinking heavily (non-alcoholic, of course, it's still before 12:00).  Grab a cup-of-joe and read on.

Backtrack to a few days ago (it took me that long to stop laughing and find the laptop under the load of Christmas crap decorations that are covering all the freaking tables in my house) when hubby was out seeing patients with his supervisor (to be referred to as Virginia - name changed to protect the innocent).  Often when he is out seeing patients, the TV in the house is on.  On occasion hubby will tell me about something he "saw on TV while at a patients house."  So, I wasn't really fascinated when he started telling me about seeing a spot about "waxing" on The View.

I think my exact thought was, "Oh, really?  Fascinating."

UNTIL he said (quite nonchalantly), "Do you know what a Brazilian wax is?" 

Now, at that point many things (none of them fit to print) went through my head, but what I managed to say was:  Ah, yes.  Why?  (NOT entirely wanting to know.)

Hubby:  (Now giggling and sporting a grin like a teenager.)  Well, I didn't.

Me:  YOU DIDN'T???  Oh my GAWD.  What exactly happened?  Did they do a BRAZILIAN WAXING ON THE VIEW???

Hubby:  Well, no.  Not exactly.

Me:  WELL WHAT EXACTLY?  DO YOU KNOW WHAT A BRAZILIAN WAX IS NOW?  WHY AM I FRIGHTENED FOR HOW THIS STORY ENDS??? 

Hubby (Now giggling a little more.):  Well, yeah.  I think I know now.  Virginia explained it to me.

Me:  Oh God.  Tell me no.  What happened exactly?

Hubby:  Well, I could just hear the TV.  And I HEARD that they were talking about waxing on The View and like I said I didn't really know what Brazilian waxing was.  So, I just assumed they meant like waxing.  Like waxing a car.  So, when I happened to actually look over at the TV, there was like I guess a commercial.  And it was a guy waxing his car.  So, I said (out loud), "What's a Brazilian wax?"

Me:  YOU SAID IT OUT LOUD TO EVERYONE???  WHAT DID THEY SAY???

Hubby:  Well, no one really said anything.  So, I kind of figured they didn't know either.  And, then grandma kind of smirked.  So, then I said, "Is it like a really special kind of car wax?" 

Me:  Oh, please.  Tell me you didn't.

Hubby:  (Now laughing quite out loud.)  Well, yeah.  I did.  Then everyone started laughing pretty hard.  Then Virginia said while chuckling, "I'll tell you later, it's not really appropriate to talk about right now."

Me:  Oh my God.  WHAT DID YOU THINK WHEN SHE SAID THAT???

Hubby:  (STILL LAUGHING.)  Well, I figured it wasn't a special kind of car wax!!!

Later, after they left the patient's home, Virginia told hubby the barest (no pun intended) definition of a Brazilian wax.  I had to complete the picture (not literally because that would make me and you vomit) for him right then as he was telling me the story.  As soon as I had filled in the details (so to speak) for him we were both laughing so hard it was impossible to continue talking about how horrible the situation had been. 

Here's what makes this story so great:

1.  Between hubby and me, I am decidedly the naive one.  So, score one for me.
2.  I stick my foot in my mouth on an almost daily basis, while hubby is just known all around as a jokester/prankster/middle school humor man.  So, he constantly reminds me of times when I have inserted said foot in mouth.  Bring it on, hubby.  You will be hearing about this fo'eva!
3.  It's just damn funny and I cannot resist a good laugh. 

I know, so junior highish.  Sorry.  I blame The View.  Happy shopping, and if you are out and about and decide to treat your car to a Christmas wax, don't forget to ask for the BRAZILIAN!

'Tis the season to get bloated (Sing that - it makes for a much better blog title.)

So, it's that time of year where everyone from Heloise to Dr. Oz wants to give you their take on "how not to get fat from now till my birthday" (January 20th and I like beer, chocolate, and large purses).  Just once, I would like to see an honest article on Holiday Weight Gain.  Last year I wrote a tongue in cheek post on Holiday Weight Gain.  This year I am just going to simply state why STAYING SKINNY NOW DOESN'T WORK.  I am not a doctor, a weight management professional, or a nutritionist, but I love to eat and my brain works (as far as I know - most of the time) so I think I am qualified to write this.

1.  Many nutrition gurus suggest continuing your normal exercise routine or if possible increasing it this time of year.  This doesn't work and there are a few reasons why.  Who has time to exercise on a normal basis?  Not many people.  In fact, in the article I read one of the tips was to do tummy tucks while you are standing in line (presumably waiting in the buffet line).  For real?  What I understand when I read that is:  YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO EXERCISE.  NOT BEFORE AND NOT NOW.  AND - while you are waiting in the buffet line you should be enjoying a delicious Christmas cocktail and talkin' to your man.  I will just say one more thing:  if you have time to exercise now, you better check your "to do" list.  If "Buy A Day In The Life a Christmas present" is not on your to-do list - add it.  Stat.  And then get busy shopping for me instead of trying to find time to exercise.

2.  Another suggestion I've seen is to "limit yourself."  Now, I am just not sure I understand this one.  The article referenced above suggests filling one plate (at the buffet) and then not going near the food table again.  That just sounds like cruel and unusual punishment to me.  I like to make many trips to the buffet, sample everything, and do a noteworthy plate balancing act in the process.

3.  "Curbing your appetite" also seems to be a popular notion.  It is suggested that you eat a "handful of nuts" and possibly drink a glass of water before heading out to a holiday party.  I love the idea of eating a handful of nuts.  But, what I want with a handful of nuts (and might I suggest spicy hot peanuts) is a cold beer.  Then, I might want some nachos and another beer.  THEN, I would be ready to go the party!

4.  "Accepting mistakes" is popular.  In other words, if you fall off the wagon - don't waste time feeling guilty, just hop back on!  As a general principle, I really don't have an objection to this one.  But, consider this - if you keep falling off the wagon, it may be time to walk.

5.  Now the article I referenced above specifically suggested "Calming down."  This one is just nuts.  The holidays do not allow for "calming down."  My to-do list is a mile long and I am still blogging.  Calm down?  How about a donut and another cup of coffee?  Now, that's more like it!

6.  The article I read also suggested carrying snacks with you for when you are out-and-about where healthy snacks might not be offered.  I am all for carrying snacks with you.  Some that I suggest for the holidays are:  Christmas cookies (you never want those to go bad and have to throw them away), hot spicy peanuts referenced above (Although drinking alcohol in public is not sanctioned by me or this blog.  Are Christmas parties public?), dark chocolate chips, and chili-lime Cheetos (my nine year old son just introduced me to those).

7.  Professionals also like to warn against falling into the "trap" of thinking that weight gain now is okay since in January you can always go on a diet.  Frankly, I fell into that trap a long time ago..............and I like it here!  It makes resolutions soooooooo much easier!

8.  Several articles I read suggested keeping a log of what you are eating.  Again, this is questionable on so many levels.  Sub-list:

a.  Do you have time for a log?  If so, leave me a comment and I will send you some of my to-do list items.
b.  Do you really want to know what you are eating???  It could lead to more than a weight issue.  Trust me.
c.  If you simply must keep a log, maybe you should keep it on a concrete tablet (like Moses) so that you can kill two birds with one stone (figuratively and possibly literally as well) - curbing your appetite AND exercise.  And, YES, that is SARCASM.

9.  Many professionals suggest that you be mindful of snacking during holiday cooking.  I really take objection to this one.  What's one of the best parts of holiday cooking?  SNACKING while you do it!  Who doesn't want to snack on cheesy popcorn and have a nice glass of wine while making Christmas cookies???  Thinking about it just makes me want to belt out a line of "White Christmas."

10.  Another popular suggestion seems to be sending holiday party leftovers home with family and friends.  Remember this works two ways.  I am the family and friends with whom you need to send leftovers home.

That's my explanation of why staying trim during the holidays is worthless.  Don't think about it!  You will be happy while others will be miserable.  Enjoy, friends!  Know that I will be with you January 1 when we have a lot to resolve!

It's all downhill from here, baby.

So, it's that really awkward time between Thanksgiving and December 1.  That in-between time is like a rebound man.  You don't really want to make a commitment to anything, and yet you want to try something new, fun, and exciting.  And, it's Cyber Monday so in a way I am compelled to be "on" the computer 24/7 to see what deals I might be missing and I am kinda wanting to try something new and exciting out on you (don't worry - I'll be gentle).  Since these are strange days (we have exactly two more to get through until December 1 when we can officially begin waiting for Santa or Jesus - or both), I thought I would give you a totally random list of possibly Novemberish/Decemberish items - because that's how I roll.

Totally Random List of Crap You Don't Care About Fascinating Things You Didn't Know You Cared About

1.  I gained about 200 pounds over the Thanksgiving holiday (and that is just an estimate - it could be more).  Jillian is now going to own me.  As in, "I will be her bee-atch."  Worry about me.  THIS did NOT keep me from buying the industrial size ("makes SIX batches") Ghirardelli Dark Chocolate Brownie Mix at Costco today.  I quickly justified it by saying it was less than $2.00/batch.  WHAT A STEAL!!!  Call me crazy.  I am ensuring resolutions come January 1.
2.  I keep waiting for the three year old to turn into a sweet, loving child.  Apparently this is not going to happen.  Over the holiday this fact *may have* hit me front and center.  I'm looking into a refund.
3.  I believe Black Friday is a conspiracy wherein retailers incrementally raise prices all year long so that no one really notices only to lower them BACK down to where they originally were on Black Friday and THEN they sell that to you as an "awesome deal."  It should be called Screw the Consumer.  I *may* tell myself this in order to make myself feel better when reading status updates about how many deals people are finding while I am sitting at home drinking hot coffee in my pajamas nursing a hangover.
4.  We set up the tree, decorated the yard (if you can call three reindeer with lights laying beside them "decorating the yard"), decorated the house, and basically rang in Christmas with little to no family dysfunction.  I am still waiting for the "other shoe to drop."  On my head.
5.  I do not understand the fascination with Twilight.  Although I did discover s'more martinis on someones Twilight status update and that discovery might have redeemed all the disgustingly gratuitous Twilight status updates.
6.  I am once again tempted to tell my kids that I Am Santa. 
7.  You can't find Jesus at the mall and take pictures with him.  This is actually one that Girl 2 said to me the other day.  To which I replied, "You are right.  I don't think you can."  I've been thinking about it ever since.  Possibly because I am now picturing a person dressed as Jesus sitting at the mall and a long line of kids waiting to have their pictures taken with him.  With Him.  Him?  See?  It'll make you think now, too.
8.  I still send Christmas cards (if you don't get one remember that my blog is mostly true).  Last year I received from others the least amount of cards on record (I even had to count the one from my dentist - who still sends a card).  Either I am getting less and less popular or people are not sending cards as much anymore.  I'm really hoping it's the second one.
9.  I will be wearing a 70's dress I purchased at Goodwill to hubby's Christmas party this year.  It's okay.  Don't worry.  Remember I said I was thankful for peeps that have good taste because I don't?  Well, one of those peeps approved it.  When I was shopping at Goodwill I was under the assumption the party theme was "70's."  Why else would I be at Goodwill buying a 70's dress???  (Wait.  On second thought - don't answer that.)  After I purchased the dress, hubby told me they decided to not go with a theme.  At first I said, "Damn."  Now, I am pee pants excited to be wearing a Goodwill dress to a posh hotel.  Weird.  I know.
10.  It may be time to finish my kids' stockings.  I am not crafty.  In fact, I like to call myself the anti-Craft.  Kind of like the anti-Christ, but less scary.  I not only am not good at crafts, I hate them.  When I fancied myself crafty (about 20 years ago) I started some Christmas stockings for "some kids."  Weird again.  I know.  I don't know if I was thinking of someday having kids or I was just thinking of orphans.  At any rate, these are the stockings my kids have now and they are in various stages of "done."  Every year the kids say, "When are you going to finish these, mom?"  Every year I say, "Beats the hell out of me.  Probably never."  This may be the year.  Then again, it may not.

That's my list, sweet readers.  Try to survive this murky time and I hope to see you on the Other Side on December 1.  Peace (and good tidings, if you must).

P.S. - Santa might ruin your life.

So, let me just say:

1.  It was brought to my attention yesterday that I have a pastor for a reader (Thank you, pastor for reading my blog.  I am honored and was just wondering - while you are reading my blog - could you put in a good word for me with The Big Man?).
2.  After my post yesterday I felt compelled to tell you that I love my children dearly (and not just because they give me 99.9% of my blog material.)
3.  There are so many post scripts to yesterday's post about big boobs and being NOT Jewish that I may have a new chapter for my book.  Aren't you glad you stumbled over to your laptop and pulled up my blog?  Because you are going to get it first (I know, I am too generous.)

P.S. Santa Might Ruin Your Life

The conversation that follows occurred after a deep conversation about the reality of Santa.  Now, I am one of those joy-sucking parents who wish that my kids would just stop believing in Santa and get it the hell over with.  (I am sure you are surprised.)  Keeping up the Santa rouse for me is frankly exhausting.  My nine year old Boy still firmly believes in Santa, his eight flying reindeer, and I think, the Abominable snowman.  Girl 1 stopped fully believing in Santa a long time ago.  There are just too many unresolved issues for her (and I quote): 

• Mom, reindeer can't fly.
• We don't have a chimney and we always keep our doors locked.  Are you telling me Santa has a key to every one's house?  Is he like a burglar that gives?
• Where does he shop?
• Are elves dwarfs?  Real live dwarfs?  Are they the Oompa Loompas???  I just don't believe that.  Where did they come from? 

So, back to the conversation that ensued:

Girl 1 - Momma, I just had a horrifying thought.

Me (seriously afraid to ask) - Oh.  What baby?

Girl 1 - What if you get married, have kids, and you and your husband or wife really still believe in Santa.  So, since you believe in Santa you don't buy any of your kids any presents because you are sure Santa will take care of them.  And your kids believe in Santa.  But, then THERE IS NO SANTA.  So, on Christmas morning your kids wake up and they don't have any presents??????

Now, this was one of those times that I had so many things I wanted to say that I was rendered speechless.  Here are some of the things that were going through my head:  There are kids that don't ever get any Christmas presents and you know what - that's horrifying.  Santa is NOT real.  It's all momma and daddy, so that's also horrifying.  If two people have kids and those two people STILL BELIEVE IN SANTA - that is not only horrifying, but we got more problems than those kids not getting any presents.  No worries.  I didn't say any of that.  Instead I said:

Wow.  Then those parents would be in a tight spot, huh?  Now let's turn off the light and go to bed!

Girl 1 - So, mom - IS SANTA REAL OR IS IT JUST YOU AND DAD???

Me - Well, baby I will say what I say every time you ask me:  Do you believe in Santa?

Now, this answer is entirely unsatisfying for me.  I just hate it, but frankly I can't think of a better one and I am too tired to think anymore about it. 

Girl 1 - So, is Jesus real?  C'mon just tell us.

Say what?  How did Jesus get dragged into this?  I'm sorry, dude!  Now, what ensued is just too detailed and sketchy (due to my lack of actual knowledge) to relate here.  So, I will summarize what I said.  (What I think I said - again, my lack of actual knowledge sometimes confuses the details.):

• Jesus lived.  Then he died.  Then we and certain other people (called Christians) believe he rose from the dead and was the son of God.
• Santa lives in your heart if you believe in him.
• He also maintains a residence at the North Pole.  I think.
• Jerusalem is a real place.
• Jesus doesn't live in Jerusalem anymore.  Remember he died and then rose and now he lives in your heart?
• Jesus gets along with Santa and there is room in your heart for both of them.
• I don't actually know any reindeer that can fly.
• We kind of have Jesus' playbook.  It's called the bible.  I don't know of any playbook for Santa.
• Santa did not write the bible.  Neither did Jesus.
• Not all stories in the bible are real nor should we take them all as real events that actually happened.
• I am not sure what Jewish people think of Santa. 
• I am pretty sure Jews like Hanukkah.
• I am pretty sure Jonah and the Whale is not one of the more true stories in the bible.

That's all I got, friends.  I pray we have closed the book on Santa and boobs for a while.  And, I am going to try and keep Jesus safe.  Peace.