Monday, November 28, 2011

It's all downhill from here, baby.

So, it's that really awkward time between Thanksgiving and December 1.  That in-between time is like a rebound man.  You don't really want to make a commitment to anything, and yet you want to try something new, fun, and exciting.  And, it's Cyber Monday so in a way I am compelled to be "on" the computer 24/7 to see what deals I might be missing and I am kinda wanting to try something new and exciting out on you (don't worry - I'll be gentle).  Since these are strange days (we have exactly two more to get through until December 1 when we can officially begin waiting for Santa or Jesus - or both), I thought I would give you a totally random list of possibly Novemberish/Decemberish items - because that's how I roll.

Totally Random List of Crap You Don't Care About Fascinating Things You Didn't Know You Cared About

1.  I gained about 200 pounds over the Thanksgiving holiday (and that is just an estimate - it could be more).  Jillian is now going to own me.  As in, "I will be her bee-atch."  Worry about me.  THIS did NOT keep me from buying the industrial size ("makes SIX batches") Ghirardelli Dark Chocolate Brownie Mix at Costco today.  I quickly justified it by saying it was less than $2.00/batch.  WHAT A STEAL!!!  Call me crazy.  I am ensuring resolutions come January 1.
2.  I keep waiting for the three year old to turn into a sweet, loving child.  Apparently this is not going to happen.  Over the holiday this fact *may have* hit me front and center.  I'm looking into a refund.
3.  I believe Black Friday is a conspiracy wherein retailers incrementally raise prices all year long so that no one really notices only to lower them BACK down to where they originally were on Black Friday and THEN they sell that to you as an "awesome deal."  It should be called Screw the Consumer.  I *may* tell myself this in order to make myself feel better when reading status updates about how many deals people are finding while I am sitting at home drinking hot coffee in my pajamas nursing a hangover.
4.  We set up the tree, decorated the yard (if you can call three reindeer with lights laying beside them "decorating the yard"), decorated the house, and basically rang in Christmas with little to no family dysfunction.  I am still waiting for the "other shoe to drop."  On my head.
5.  I do not understand the fascination with Twilight.  Although I did discover s'more martinis on someones Twilight status update and that discovery might have redeemed all the disgustingly gratuitous Twilight status updates.
6.  I am once again tempted to tell my kids that I Am Santa. 
7.  You can't find Jesus at the mall and take pictures with him.  This is actually one that Girl 2 said to me the other day.  To which I replied, "You are right.  I don't think you can."  I've been thinking about it ever since.  Possibly because I am now picturing a person dressed as Jesus sitting at the mall and a long line of kids waiting to have their pictures taken with him.  With Him.  Him?  See?  It'll make you think now, too.
8.  I still send Christmas cards (if you don't get one remember that my blog is mostly true).  Last year I received from others the least amount of cards on record (I even had to count the one from my dentist - who still sends a card).  Either I am getting less and less popular or people are not sending cards as much anymore.  I'm really hoping it's the second one.
9.  I will be wearing a 70's dress I purchased at Goodwill to hubby's Christmas party this year.  It's okay.  Don't worry.  Remember I said I was thankful for peeps that have good taste because I don't?  Well, one of those peeps approved it.  When I was shopping at Goodwill I was under the assumption the party theme was "70's."  Why else would I be at Goodwill buying a 70's dress???  (Wait.  On second thought - don't answer that.)  After I purchased the dress, hubby told me they decided to not go with a theme.  At first I said, "Damn."  Now, I am pee pants excited to be wearing a Goodwill dress to a posh hotel.  Weird.  I know.
10.  It may be time to finish my kids' stockings.  I am not crafty.  In fact, I like to call myself the anti-Craft.  Kind of like the anti-Christ, but less scary.  I not only am not good at crafts, I hate them.  When I fancied myself crafty (about 20 years ago) I started some Christmas stockings for "some kids."  Weird again.  I know.  I don't know if I was thinking of someday having kids or I was just thinking of orphans.  At any rate, these are the stockings my kids have now and they are in various stages of "done."  Every year the kids say, "When are you going to finish these, mom?"  Every year I say, "Beats the hell out of me.  Probably never."  This may be the year.  Then again, it may not.

That's my list, sweet readers.  Try to survive this murky time and I hope to see you on the Other Side on December 1.  Peace (and good tidings, if you must).


Hines-Sight said...

This was really funny. I agree with you about the Christmas Card thing, Black Friday, and a lot of the others things you posted.

Very funny.

And if you can, put a space between your top things to separate them out. It's a little easy on old person's eyes. :)


Nomads By Nature said...

You had me giggling the whole way through - not sure if it was the Anti-Craft which I could totally be runner up to, the brownie mix purchase which was in our consumables - twice-, or the best ever question in the world: Why you can't take a picture with Jesus at the mall for Christmas, the answer which may be tied into the Black Friday conspiracy and the turning of the tables at the temple.

Thanks for giving me a needed laugh with your post. And consider this a Christmas card to you from Moz wishing you a great holiday season filled with good cheer and a few real cards in the mail!

Monica said...

Leigh - i'm glad you laughed. mission accomplished. i will try to make my blog easier on the eyes. when i squint to read over hubby's shoulder (after he's asked me to read something) he increases the font to like 200%. NOT FUNNY. hi nomads! thanks for the christmas card, bloggy friend. i will COUNT that. ;o) i have told shannon MANY times i am not sure i could handle the consumable thing. i might die. :o)

jamiew said...

peepants excited and squealing like a little girl!!

(& my comment word verification is :"domental" how funny is that!?!

Karey said...

I just love, love, love reading your blog! I can always count on you to make me laugh ;o)

Monica said...

@jamiew - i *might* want to wear my dress every day from now till the party. will try to supress that urge.
@karey - i do my best. ;o)