Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I hate it when that happens.

So, today was already gearing up to be a doozy.  And then the law showed up. 

First things first.  When I got up, I logged onto Facebook just like I normally do, but unlike normal I found that my husband had posted a video to Facebook.  To the normal folk this may seem innocuous.  To "normal folk" I say, "My husband is not normal."  He only joined Facebook a few weeks ago and since then this is a sample of our conversations regarding Facebook (Note:  They all end the same way and they all take place when I am busy doing very important work):

Him:  So, how do I "friend" people (insert any action you can do on Facebook)?
Me:  You just search for them, and when their name comes up in the search box click on them.  When you click on them it will say "Friend."  Click on that and they will get a friend request from you.
Long pause.
Him:  So, where's the search box?
Me:  It should be in the upper part of all pages of Facebook.  Your wall or home.
Another long pause.
Him:  Home?  Wall?  I thought they were the same thing.  Oh, okay.  I see.  So, I just friended someone, and I am not sure who they are.  How do I "cancel" that?

So, imagine my shock and surprise when I logged in and saw that he had posted a video.  And it was totally appropriate and cool.  With a comment!  On his own.  Totally.  I was so happy.  And a little scared (which keep reading and you will find that was totally justified).  I vowed that if it rained today I would stay inside...just to be safe.  Little did I know getting struck by lightening would have been a picnic.

That was the first kinda weird thing that happened.  Then, as I was just kind of fooling around at my desk, talking to a good friend on the phone, and planning out my day I saw something outside the window out of the corner of my eye.  At first I thought it was a dog.  Then upon a full-on head jerk and muttering that sounded something like, "WHAT THE %$&#?",  I realized it was a coyote.  I quickly said to my good friend, "I have to go.  Sasquatch might be in my backyard.  No one is going to believe this.  I need to go take a picture.  Call you later."  Thankfully I was dressed, although not entirely appropriately (I'll just leave that part up to your imagination), so I grabbed the camera and raced outside to photograph him/her.  I did this because in our house no one believes anything any other family member says unless said family member has verifiable proof (like a photo).

I sprinted into the area behind our house.  This guy was moving fast, so I had to go clear into the neighbor's yard.  It was just as I had gotten behind our neighbor's house (as in right behind their patio door) when this GINORMOUS owl/hawk/swan/flamingo looking bird SWOOPED out of the lower part of a nearby tree and flew right toward the coyote/wolf/dog/chupacabra.  IT SCARED THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF ME.  I did a thing that could only be described as Crazy Wail and Swat Like Mad and took off running back to my house.....with no photograph. 

I immediately called my friend back to tell her what had happened, when I'll be damned if that sucker came sauntering BACK BY MY BACK DOOR like he was either 1.  Taunting me, or 2.  Giving me another opportunity to prove myself with a photo.  So, I said, "CRAP!  He's BACK."  She said, "GO PHOTOGRAPH HIM."  I said, "I'm kinda scared."  She said, "Leave baby in the house because he might be hungry and grab a broom."  As I write this now I realize that sounds pretty Crazy Town, but right then it sounded perfectly plausible.  So, I grabbed a broom, the camera, and sprinted out again. 

What my other neighbor would have seen behind his back fence had he been home (I am still praying he wasn't) was this:  Me, wearing less than appropriate clothing, flailing a broom in one hand, sprinting across the wild land behind his back fence, chasing what I think was a coyote am sure was a coyote, while looking through the lens of a camera, trying not to trip, and glancing up above to make sure I was not eaten by an owl/hawk/big-ass bird.

This all prompted me to update my status on Facebook immediately after it was over:

just saw a coyote closer to our house than i've ever seen, so i go out to take a picture of him. as i am chasing him (camera in hand) this GIANT owl/hawk looking thing swoops down on him. let's just say i hope my neighbors are at work because i screamed, and started swatting at the air above my head while running for my life. i am not even kidding. i am now officially creeped out.

Now, had my excitement for the day ended there I would have been completely satisfied....but, it only got stranger.  I went upstairs to take a shower and told baby to play quietly.  Next thing I know, someone is BANGING on the door as I am standing in front of the mirror stark naked hair dripping wet (do not picture that it will only make you want to poke your eyes out with sharp sticks - I know that from personal experience).  I figure it's my house cleaner and don't do anything.  The banging continues and then becomes coupled with constant ringing.  So, I thought what you are probably thinking now:  Holy CRAP!  Someone got eaten by the coyote and people now know (since I posted it on Facebook) that I know something about it!!!!!!!!  SOMEONE IS IN IMMINENT DANGER!

That's why I put on some clothes (the inappropriate ones from earlier) and screamed for my baby.  She came sauntering in.  Frantically I said, "WHO IS IT?  IS IT MS.--------(house cleaner)?  WHO IS IT BABY????"  And baby very calmly said,  "No, mama.  It's not Ms. ________, or Ms. (random friend), or Ms. (another friend)."  I frantically said, "WELL WHO IS IT THEN???"  

"It's a police officer.  But, don't worry.  He's not here to arrest you."

By that time I was down the stairs, it was too late to change my clothes.

Post script:  Turns out baby was right.  It was indeed a constable.  He was not here to arrest me.  He very calmly said he had papers to serve on hubby.  Before you worry about hubby, no I did not serve divorce papers on him, it was not totally unexpected, and we are hoping it is something we can deal with.  But, please imagine Officer M.'s surprise when I opened the door, dressed in my not entirely appropriate clothes, hair wet, and with my sweet baby saying, "See momma.  It is a police officer, but I don't think he will arrest you."  I hate it when that happens.


Shannon said...

Did you get a picture the send time you went chasing the coyote? Please tell me you did. That is truly one of the worst days on record. I hoped he day did eventually get better.

Monica said...

NO PICTURE. OF THE COYOTE OR THE BIG A$$ bird. ugh. i so suck at pictures it's not even funny. day looked up as soon as e. told me he'd talked to lawyers. of course there were NUMEROUS humerous moments with baby telling all the big kids that the "cops came to the house, but not to arrest momma." sheesh that girl is going to be the death of me.