Monday, November 21, 2011

Why is there a machete in the crapper?

So, it's no secret.  Some of my best friends are one nut short of a pecan pie (in a totally life-enhancing way).  One of them just started a blog.  You can find her over at Seriously?  This news makes me delighted and a little sad.  Delighted because she is a riot and unbelievably funny things happen to her on a daily basis.  Sad because I have been fostering a dream that I will pretend all of her outrageous daily happenings are mine, write an amazingly funny best selling book, and become an overnight sensation.  (You can now picture me saying Goodbye to my dreams.  Thank you, K.F.)

Now, I am confident that she will blog in detail about one of her latest happenings soon, but I thought I would just let you know how her Unfortunate Incident has affected me.  What happened is an incredibly long story, but in a nutshell (so to speak - this Incident is chalk full of puns) - - a squirrel came out of her toilet.  I put that in large letters because it's not every day that wildlife comes out of a friends' toilet. 

Before I continue there are a few things you need to know about me (because, in the end, it's all about me). 

1.  I hate squirrels.  Most people think they are cute little furry things with bushy tails.  I think they are disease carrying evil rats sent straight from Satan to terrorize me.
2.  I have several irrational (until proven otherwise) fears.  One of them is that when I am Doing My Business something is going to swim up the toilet pipe and bite me on the a$$.
3.  I hate squirrels.  Wait...did I say that already?

So, thanks to Seriously about three weeks ago two of my fears came together in a truly incredible (and if it wasn't so horrifying it might be said to be beautiful) way (I would not have even believed it if I hadn't seen the photos.  Yes, I tried to get her to pin them on Pinterest.  Unfortunately, she doesn't have a Pinterest account, and besides I think she said, "Hell to the no.")

A squirrel came up her toilet.  No one's arse was hurt in the incident (and no squirrels were hurt - oh, except the dead one) but it was enough to FREAK ME OUT.

I am now terrified of using the toilet.  I tried to ignore it at first by thinking of other things, strengthening up my thighs muscles (girls, I think you know what I mean by that), keeping the door wide open (should I need to make a quick exit with my pants down), and taking a weapon with me each time I have to pee or poop (hence the title of the post - an actual question from an inquiring household member - name missing to protect the innocent).  It's getting exhausting and honestly - it's not working. 

Until I can recover from this latest trauma (which didn't even happen to me) you'll have to forgive me for being a little clogged up and out of sorts in my postings.  Meanwhile, head over to Seriously and give her a read.  Some of your greatest fears might be realized, but trust me you will have a good belly laugh to go with that.


Shannon said...

I am getting very dirty looks from Dave who is trying very hard to watch his favorite TV show with with me laughing like a demented hyena while sitting right next to him.

This post is probably funniest thing you have ever written, or maybe it is that I have the same phobia, and just a couple of hours ago I screamed the house down while cleaning the toilet. For more you will have to go check out my blog. I will have a post up about it soon.

Karey said...

Thanks for the plug and the teaser! I guess I'd better get crackin' on the story. It is the whole reason I started a blog after all.

Monica said...

@shannon - going to read the full post now. tried pulling it up on my phone while waiting in the pharmacy and kept getting interuppted. @karey - read your post. that's pretty much how you told it. damn funny.