Can I get a sub?

School ends June 7th here and this teacher and my four kids (and hubby by default) are just trying to make it to then alive and fairly intact.

So, here's my list.  Maybe you can relate.

Things that have basically shut down since April and/or will have to wait until summer.

1.  My kids (both my classroom kids and my own kids) have basically lost all desire to go to class.  At calendar time in my Pre-school classroom invariably a student asks if we are done yet.  At first I thought this meant Are we done with calendar time yet?  but, reflecting more, I think it means Are we done with PreK yet?  I'm fairly certain that my nine year old (on a few occasions in April) has kept hot water in her mouth, taken her temp in the morning and told me she has a fever.  This is something the 16 year old might have taught her - and if it were September I would take more time to research.  My eighth grader told me Thursday as I was driving her to school (after missing the bus four days in a row) that she didn't have time to go to school.  Kids are done, y'all.

2.  There are no more family dinners happening in my home.  I started the year gung-ho.  Six to seven balanced dinners planned, prepped, and ready to be cooked each night promptly at 6:00 p.m. because we're "so busy" but not too busy to eat together as a family because that's what makes families bonded and mentally stable.  Yesterday, five of my six family members (and a friend) were gathered around the dinner table around 9:45 p.m. eating one freezer burnt egg roll from Costco (because I forgot to buy more), some clumpy, quickly made white rice, a salad, a slightly brown banana, cheese nachos, and bean and cheese tacos (prepared by the girl who is too busy to go to school).  It was kinda happy and normal until you saw that it was almost 10 p.m. and the food was like a sad buffet of What's Left in the Fridge.  And my nine year was saying, "Mom, I've had cheese nachos for about a week now.  Are you ever going to cook real food again?"  To which I replied, "Yes, we will eat real food again when summer is here."

3.  A well made up face that doesn't look tired is not a thing for this teacher now.  Each day I put on my "make-up" (a loose term that means powder and such from August of last year that still is spreadable to my face) and everyday I think, "On my first day off in June, I'm going to Ulta and buying more of everything in this bag."  I squeeze the tube of concealer to get just enough to smear under each harried and haggard eye, I vigorously brush the eye-shadow rectangle sides hoping that I'll get enough on the brush to actually look like I have shadow on, and I swipe the mostly bare mascara brush over my lashes.  I spritz myself with about one milliliter of cologne that I am refusing to throw away because when I tilt it all the way to the side I can still see an 1/8 of a drop in the bottle.

4.  Lesson planning (this may be a local thing) is kinda over.  My lesson plans in August were detailed.  I told my principal exactly what was supposed to happen down to who will take a breath, when, why, and how I will know they are breathing.  This week's lesson plans said, "Finish last week's work/Assess."

5.  I havne't even bothered to get my Personal Calendar (similar to my bible - you know how I love lists) out of my teacher bag in a week.  Up until last week, I diligently wrote every little thing I needed to do each and every day in my planner/calendar and religiously crossed it out every evening as it had been completed.  Now, I have no idea what needs to be done daily.  I am living minute to minute and hoping that we get through the day everyday until June without losing the house due to forgetting to pay the mortgage.

6.  The kids' clothes are tired and so are mine.  Several days this month one of the kids has told me something like, "Mom, I need new *shoes, jeans, t-shirts, bras* these just don't fit anymore.  Can we go shopping?"  And, I've said something vague but hopeful like, "Yes.  Make a list.  The first day of summer vacation, I promise, we are going shopping."

7.  My okay-ish cleaning has really taken a backseat.  There are so many prints on the windows it's hard to see out of them and the baseboards are grimy.  I keep looking at both thinking, "I really should clean those."  Followed by, "June 11.  I'm putting it on the list for June 11.  Where's my calendar?  Oh, in my bag.  Which is still in the trunk."

8.  I've got health issues to deal with that are just going to have to wait.  The doctor's office politely says, "Can you come in Monday morning at 8:00 a.m.?"  I want to scream, "DID YOU NOT HEAR ME WHEN I TOLD YOU I'M A TEACHER?  THERE ARE NO SUBS.  IT'S APRIL.  IF THERE WERE SUBS THEY WERE GONE BY DECEMBER.  I CANNOT LEAVE FOUR YEAR OLDS UNATTENDED.  THEY WILL EAT EACH OTHER.  JUNE 11TH.  I CAN COME IN JUNE 11TH."

There is a holding pattern that sets in about this time.  Absolutely urgent things get done (most of the time) and everything else kind of sits.

As I stare May down in the face, I have no doubt that the Grim Reaper could look at a teacher and say, "She's mine today."  The teacher, if she saw him, would just shrug and say, "Yeah.  It'll have to wait till summer or until I can get a sub."

Memory Making 2014 (in which I do math).

So, recently I have been learning that you need an advanced college degree and a year to do nothing but plan in order to successfully get a family of six to Disneyworld.

We recently made our annual trip to a smaller scale amusement park (and by smaller scale I mean:  no college degree needed and - I can imagine - slightly less gleaming restrooms?) and although I would do it again (in approximately 360 days) I think a time allowance chart for less experienced parents on par with the Disneyworld planning blogs might be helpful.

I wanted to make you guys a pie graph (blueberry?) for this post, but I got too distracted with colors and accurate percentages and I was afraid that before I knew it my oldest would be filling out college applications and hubby would be asking me (again), "What are you doing?" 

Amusement Park Trip Time Breakdowns (approximate) For a Family of Six's Ten Hour Day 

1.  20% - walking around lost because everyone is too excited and then too hot to look at the map.
2.  20% - waiting for all the rides to open because you get there at Opening Time because you think logically it's the time the rides open. 
3.  50% - explaining that your admission ticket does not cover the cost of all the carny games that actually open at Opening Time and that there isn't really a "Winner every time!"
4.  60% - waiting in line for drinks because you waited until August to go and it's 106 degrees outside with 117% humidity.
5.  60% - waiting in line for bathrooms (see #4).
6.  20% - yelling at kids not to touch anything in the bathroom.
7.  40% - touching things in the public bathrooms (this applies to kids under 5 who you've told not to touch anything see #6).
8.  60% - in line for rides because of all the people using the Flash Pass.
9.  40% - explaining to four kids that yes, the rules are different for people with more money.  They don't have to wait in line with The Other People at amusement parks. 
10.  20% - applying sunscreen.
11.  40% - examining all the nuts and bolts on the two rides you convince yourself to go on.
12.  75% - praying your kids don't get their bathing suits stuck up their rears requiring surgical removal from the ride they continue going on which they proclaim loudly and enthusiastically gives them "a major wedgie".
13.  95% - in line for a funnel cake on the way out the door (right behind the approximately 1005 people who had the same idea).
14.  2% - inhaling said funnel cake with five other people.
15.  50% - talking about where to buy a funnel cake maker and what exactly is in a funnel cake that makes it so good. 
16.  50% - exclaiming repeatedly how that funnel cake is the best use of $10 since you bought two Frappuccino's in a row.
17.  20% - proclaiming earth shattering sentences that start with, "When we come next year..."
18.  20% - proclaiming equally earth shattering sentences that start with, "Remember last year..."
19.  100% - enjoying the heck out of the last days of summer.

No danger of lost bottoms or a wedgie.  And?  When I go next year I'm wearing the same red suit.

It's either writer's block or menopause. Either way I've gained 10 pounds.

Summer is almost over and I've not written a blog post since June 4.  I will not try to explain this except to say, in a move reminiscent of Janet Jackson at Superbowl VIIXIVITIT, I lost my swimsuit bottoms in a public pool shortly after summer started.  I might have PTSD.

After a long pause in blog production there are some things that are bound to annoy the crap out of readers.

1.  Trying to explain why there has been an extreme pause in writing. 

So, let me attempt to explain the long pause in writing.  I cleaned my copper bottom pans.  Jesus.  My lack of tricep muscles are still sore and I think I found the decomposed remains of Jimmy Hoffa under the black burned stuff that was on my pots.  On the upside - I can now taste my food and I will not be mildly embarrassed if Paula Deen chances by and decides to melt me some butter sprinkled with cheese and then salted (under the guise that she is a reformed diabetic racist).

2.  Trying to explain previous blog topics and why they didn't work. 

So, here are some things I have tried to write about in the past month and then after a rereading - promptly eaten the results (which could explain why I've gained 10 pounds).

a.  How Much I Hate Barbie.  Did you know that along with being an astronaut, physicist, hooker, veterinarian, and entrepreneur, she writes books now?  And (surprise) they read a lot like the genius script from Two Broke Girls.  Because I would never believe it unless I saw it, I've included one of the pages from the book that clearly makes me proud to support public libraries through all my fines.  In case the captions look like they're in Chinese (the book was made in China, after all), I've included the (interpreted) script for you below.



Unnamed character:  Barbie!  Ken's here!  Barbie:  Oh no!  I don't have my brain in yet!  Brunette:  Barbie!  Remember, you don't have a brain!  Barbie:  Oh, yeah!  That's a relief!

  And now I think I should be a published (paid) author.

b.  How Much I Hate Insurance. 

Insurance - n.noun

1. The act, business, or system of screwing.
2. The state of being screwed.
3. A means of being screwed.
4. Coverage by a contract binding a party to indemnify another against specified loss in return for premiums paid unless such premiums go toward a "deductible" in which case the party paying the premiums is screwed out of their premiums and stuck with said specified losses.  (See #1-3.)
5. The sum or rate for which such a contract insures something or not (See #4).
6. The periodic premium paid for this coverage.  "Coverage" being a relative term dependent on the amount of said deductible which is relative and rises in relation to the amount in which the paying party is being screwed.
7. A protective measure.
8. Bullshit.

Term in use:  I f*cking hate insurance.

c.  My inability to cook even with a recipe.

Here is what I made just this morning from a biscuit recipe:

Whatthef*ckisthat?

Y'know how some people have suffered tremendous stress and then go on to like win the Olympics?  Well, I'm kind of like that.  I have suffered the loss of ruining virtually every recipe I've set out to cook and yet I've managed to come out a winner almost every time.

*Eating that idea now.  (And, it's quite delicious I might add.  Score!)*

e.  Like every other female on the planet my hormones are all out of whack.  I think I've narrowed down my afflictions (thank you, WebMD) to either ebola, menopause, a stubbed toe, or a hangnail.  The list of symptoms of menopause is a blog in and of itself (the title of that blog is:  Menopause - Serve Yourself Some More Cake).  I seem to have experienced just a few symptoms (not a comprehensive list) in the time I've had writer's block:  fatigue, depression, hot flashes, mood swings, sudden tears, inability to articulate or write, inability to cook or do laundry, sudden bouts of bloat (although apparently not enough to make the elastic in my swimsuit bottoms hold), gastrointestinal distress (could be related to my cooking?), disturbing memory loss, increased tension in the muscles, and tinnitus (could be due to my kids not being in school?).

3.  Trying to describe how much you have missed your readers.

If it weren't for virtual friends, I'd have no friends at all and I know you guys have all been reading everyone else's superior blogs and having a party without me.  What can I say?  It hurts.

So, I will not try to tell you why I've been gone, what I've been doing instead of blogging, what topics have just not worked, or how much I've missed you guys.  As some guy once said in AA, "Today I am not enjoying life as it occurs.  Today I am blogging about it instead.  I'm not sure when I will do this again and I will not make any promises.  But today I hope you guys will join me."  (Or something like that.)

Breaking Badly

Where did April go?  I slept a few times, drank a beer and it was May.  Now May's almost gone. 

And to make matters worse, I thought I had one more week this month.  This explains a lot.

So, here it is.

1.  My Breaking Bad withdrawal lasted about one week.  I'm over it now.  Thanks for the cards.  What do I have to show for the million hours of my life spent on Netflix?  Just this.  Once I want to end a sentence with, "BITCHES."  Examples: 

• Make your beds, BITCHES.
• Dinner, BITCHES.
• I ain't cookin' tonight, BITCHES.
• Laundry is done, BITCHES.
• Yo, I'm not the maid, BITCHES.

2.  We are almost there and by that I mean my kids have turned into monkeys.  Straight from the Bronx zoo.  Serius.  They are ca-razy town.  Hubby and I lost our minds the other night and made them be respectful and clean up after themselves.  The audacity, right?  Cheesus.  Can I sell them to the circus for the next two weeks?

3.  My secret pal this semester gave me a lot of chocolate.  Here's what I discovered.  Ghiradelli Sea Salt Soiree.  (Is 'soiree' French because it just sounds naughty.  But, it's not.  It's an "evening party or social gathering."  Well.........Sea Salt Evening Party or Social Gathering?  Really, Ghiradelli?)  Today the monkeys were screaming at each other and it was just awful.  I wanted to go all Mommy Dearest on them, so I slipped into the pantry and broke open a package of these lovelies.  I ate about five squares.  Even though the name is fooked up, Get Some, you guys.  You can email me if you are not satisfied and I'll refund the time you took to read this post. 

4.  Forget Wife Swap.  Let's do Sister Wives.  I need help with the laundry.

5.  If there was an Academy Award for Procrastination I'd win it.   

6.  Remember the Do Not Call List and how it was supposed to save us from ourselves?  What the hell?  I think it's working worse than Nancy Reagan's Just Say No.  As far as I know, I am ON THE LIST and yet some gal keeps calling me (at dinner) telling me I won a 10 day cruise for me and my family.  Obviously, she has never met my family.

7.  A few months back I bought a Vitamix.  When you buy a Vitamix the first thing you have to do is refinance your house.  The second thing you have to do is read through the little recipe book and see that basically you can make anything in the Vitamix.  Like if you lose all your teeth you can make ribeye, baked potatoes, rolls, and a salad in the Vitamix.  But, if you still have your teeth, do you really want that?  Anyway.  I was looking for a margarita recipe and one of the kids said, "Look mom.  You could make peanut butter.  Is that what the pioneers did?"  It's an odd moment when you have to explain to your kid that no, the pioneers did not make peanut butter with a Vitamix. 

8.  Do you ever just want to let your kids watch all the shows to teach them a lesson?  For example, wouldn't Breaking Bad work a hell of a lot better than Just Say No?  Really?  I'd be all, "Drugs will ruin your life, guys.  I'm Serious.  Now, get some popcorn and let's watch another episode of Breaking Bad."

9.  We changed our phone service.  Now, you'd think this would be an easy process, right?  Not like rocket science or anything.  Wrong.  It is just like rocket science.  Or really just like this show I heard on Science Friday the other day when they were interviewing a scientist of Quantum Physics and he was talking about passing from different states of matter and was it possible to teleport and did your molecular composition change and could the original theories "we" had about this phenomena be incorrect.............and he was serious.  That's what it's like to change your phone service. 

Hubby handled it all because I can't talk to phone people without wanting to rush out and do meth or at least sell it.  Here's how the conversation went down:

Hubby:  I'd like to cancel my phone service.

Phone service:  Ok.  Let me connect you to someone who can help you.

Music from the 80's (that hubby actually liked and was singing along to)

Phone service:  Yes, can I get your number?

Hubby:  xxx-xxx-xxxx

Phone service:  Yes, and what can we help you with?

Hubby:  I'd like to cancel my phone service.

Phone service:  Oh no.  I'm sorry to hear that.  Are you moving?

Hubby:  No, I'm actually dissatisfied.

Phone service:  Oh no.  I'm sorry to hear that.  We don't actually handle people who are dissatisfied.  That's actually a different branch.  Let me connect you to someone who can help you.

Music from the 80's.

Phone service:  Yes, can I get your number?

Hubby:  xxx-xxx-xxxx

Phone service: Yes, and what can we help you with?

Hubby:  I'd like to cancel my phone service.

Phone service:  Oh no.  I'm sorry to hear that.  Are you dissatisfied?

Hubby:  Yes.

Phone service:  Oh no!  What are you dissatisfied with?

Cheesus.

Two weeks later:  We get a bill for everything we were told that day we would no longer have to pay for because of our dissatisfaction.  I Can't Get No Satisfaction, y'all.  Cue the f*cking music.

Don't be a stranger! 

(Because kids think it's creepy.)

It's hard to grow up. But, I guess not as hard as having a raccoon dog in your backyard rather than just a plain raccoon?

Hello.  Remember me?  Ms. Day In The Life?

Normally I operate this blog and write about my mildly funny and mostly dysfunctional life.

Lately I've just been feeling nostalgic as summer slips quickly through my fingers.

So, this is going to be a post about nothin'.  (And thank you, auto correct, but I meant to say nothin.')

1.  I have not been busy posting, but I have been busy reading all of my favorite blogs.  I read this one today and it made me cry like a big 'ole baby.  It's almost as if the writer had been hanging out in my house this summer (in a totally non-creepy way).  And really I rarely cry so either I am pre-menopostal, or it's a really good post (I suspect the latter).

2.  This awesome lady who used to live in my neighborhood before she up and moved across the globe, has been back in our neighborhood for the whole month of July.  I like my blog, but not as much as I like having coffee, and dishing it up with her.  She's like the mac-n-cheese of friends (and I hope when she reads this she will know what a huge compliment that is) and it's been splendid having her here.

3.  Being with my four kids all summer day and night has..............not been without its challenges.  The fighting, teasing, arguing, and screaming has taken on new heights and most of the time I feel like this: 

Sometimes I'm the ref.  Sometimes I'm the boxer.

4.  My very good friend, and frequent blog visitor has moved to a different neighborhood.  Insert any one of a gazillion sad emoticons or possibly a cat crying because her best cat friend has moved.....and the cat is roller skating carrying a birthday cake........but, I digress. 

I knew this move was coming for a long time, but I'm not good at change (let's face it, I'm still trying to get rid of my 80's haircut and make-up).  The reality of her being gone faster than George and Weezie Jefferson (albeit just about 15 miles away, and I do own a car, and there is a Starbucks on the way - four or five in fact) is starting to sink in.  It does help tremendously that so far, like Joe Walsh, fame and fortune haven't changed her.  And she has already graciously let us crash her obnoxiously fabulous home and beautiful pool.  Mrs. JustAHausWeyef, this one is for you:

5.  Lastly, there is no time like summer in Texas to make you second guess not investing in cable television.  There.  is.  nothing.  on.

So, night before last we sat down as a family and watched Nova on PBS.  Well, I am *kinda* lying.  We sat down to watch America's Got "Some" Talent as a family, but this family friendly show had some lewd sex jokes on it, so we flipped channels and that's how we got to Nova on PBS.

And, I found out about raccoon dogs.

Not familiar with them either?  Well, don't worry.  Here's a photo for you:

photo credit:  www.factzoo.com.  If you just yelped, "CHEESUS!" and backed away from the screen, don't worry you are not alone.  Oh, and it's mildly disturbing that it kinda looks like they put this rac-dog on a fluffy bed to take this photo??? 

 

I might be feeling like time is spinning out of control what with losing my baby boy and one of my bestest friends, but at least I don't have raccoon dogs digging up my garbage?! 

So, thanks, PBS!  With quality programming like you, I can take the heat and I don't even miss cable!

Cleaning is making me an alcoholic.

It's July 9 and I am completing a task that's been on my To Do List for 11 years (more or less) AND a task that's been on my To Do List for about three years. 

When we bought our house I thought it would be relaxing and sexy to get a whirlpool tub.

Biggest.  Mistake.  In.  My.  Life.  (Right next to "Hair of the Dog," "Eat Clean," and "Use a Dishwasher That's Not Yourself.")

My God. 

For clarification purposes, we've used the whirlpool part of our tub I'd guess less than 10 times - all within six months of moving into this house.  AAAAAAAAND it cost, I think, $2000?  So, if I were to cost analyze this - that's $200 a bath?  If I could teleport back in time I would have spent $1000 at Victoria's Secret and another $1000 on beer and been relaxed and sexy for a very long time only having to clean myself and my recycling bin.

After waiting 11 years to clean these sonofabitch jets and three years to clean the dishwasher here are a few of my thoughts:

1.  The warning on most cleaners that tell you not to mix the cleaner with anything are written for me.  When I tackle a cleaning task like whirlpool tub jets that haven't been cleaned in 11 years and a dishwasher that's not been cleaned in about three years I want to mix:  CLR, bleach, Borax, vinegar, rubbing alcohol, and baking soda (and maybe the half filled bottle of Coke that's been on the fridge for about four months just because I read on the Internet one time that Coke cleans pennies really well).  Then I want to stand back and see the whole thing blow up so that I can text hubby, "There's been a minor accident and we *might* have to move."

2.  Whirlpool tub jets that haven't been cleaned like ever might give you an STD.  If not, cleaning them will make you asphyxiate and vomit.  And, then you might think you would be better off with an STD.

3.  The Internet is a lying sleazebag.  (Autocorrect just corrected sleazebag.  FINALLY autocorrect gets me.)  The Internet told me I could clean the dishwasher with CLR (which I am pretty sure is what they threw on the witch in The Wizard of Oz).

You can.

But FIRST (what they DON'T tell you because "they assume you know that," said hubby quite condescendingly), make sure there is not a small cup blocking the disposal.

Because if there is you will go check Facebook because "you got this" and come back into the kitchen and there will be suds all.  over.  the.  floor.

(No.  There are no photos in this post because I am too ashamed and horrified at my pitiful cleaning skills and I still want you to like me.)

4.  I cannot believe I am still married.  After 23 (?) years hubby must overlook my total lack of cleanliness (and common sense) because I am beautiful?  On the inside? 

5.  It would have been easier (and probably more cost effective considering I've been through 5? bottles of bleach, more CLR than it's healthy to inhale, two scrub brushes, and one level of sanity) to replace the dishwasher, and take a sledgehammer to the tub.  After all, we have two tubs and the other one the housecleaner keeps sparkling.

6.  The kids asked me why I am cleaning the dishwasher and the tub jets.  Here's how that went:

Conversation 1:

Boy child:  But, mom you never take a bath.  Do you?  You're a germ freak.  I thought you said baths were nasty because all that water is floating around and you could get an infection and that's why you should always take showers.....with shower shoes?

Me:  YOU ARE RIGHT.  I SAID THAT.  BUT I CANNOT LOOK AT THIS ANY LONGER BECAUSE IT IS MAKING ME PHYSICALLY ILL AND WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO MOVE IF I DON'T CLEAN THIS RIGHT NOW.  TODAY.  (I was screaming because the water in all six jets was on and there was still water coming out of the faucet - for good measure.  And, also because the fumes and the actual work of it made me crazy.)

Boy child:  Okay, mom.  It's okay.  Don't have a cow.  You don't have to scream.  I'm right here.  And, also are you sure you should be breathing all this stuff?  'Cuz it kinda stinks in here.

Then Boy child passed out.

Conversation 2:

Girl 3:  Momma, these bubbles all over the kitchen look COOL!  But, why do you have to clean the dishwasher if the dishwasher is for cleaning?

Me:  Please go to the fridge and bring momma a beer.

7.  The Internet is a lying sleazebag.  Wait, did I already say that?  Step 112 on the dishwasher cleaning post was something like, "Make sure you run another cycle in the dishwasher with just water so that you can rinse the CLR out." 

In case you ever decide to clean your dishwasher - just know that is a lie.

There is no rinsing the CLR out.  You will have bubbly CLR on the bottom of your dishwasher after at least two cycles of clean water.

But, I can only think having your family consume CLR residue of off "clean" dishes for weeks to come is better than having them eat from dishes washed in a dirty dishwasher?  Right?

8.  It's 10:01 and I am drinking a beer to toast somewhat clean fairly less disgusting whirlpool tub jets that we will not use for another 11 years, AND a clean dishwasher which will be used to dish up poison that might kill my family!  AND I am free from this kind of work for another THREE TO ELEVEN YEARS!  CHEERS!

home of the free, land of the brave

I did not see a horse with "five legs" this Fourth of July. 

Last Fourth of July in keeping with the forefathers quest for freedom from religion we saw a horse with five legs.  It was at a quaint parade in a small town where apparently the horses (in addition to getting patriotic) get frisky every now and again.

Randy was the last horse to trot through the parade route and he stopped right in front of my family and decided that would be a good time to try and mount the female (?) horse in front of him. 

Photo courtesy of:  www.yellowstone.magic.com I was pretty pissed, too when Randy tried to ruin the patriotic time I was having.

Most of the cowboys we were sitting around snickered loudly while the children we were around either stared wide-eyed or screamed loudly, "MOMMY, WHAT IS HAPPENING?  WHAT IS THAT HORSE TRYING TO DO TO THAT OTHER HORSE?  WHY IS IT HURTING IT?  AND WHY DOES IT HAVE FIVE LEGS?  OH MY GOD!  IS THAT A LEG?"

To say the least, it was awkward for all the adults witnessing and traumatic for all the children who witnessed this.  Truth be told (because it's always a good idea to tell the truth, thank you George Washington), I was traumatized for quite a while afterward as well.

This year, there were no horses with five legs.  For that, I am thankful.

Instead there was a bar complete with prostitutes (?) and an effigy hanging on the porch.  Because what says, "Happy Birthday, America!" better than that?  (Except, of course, a horse with five legs.)



I bet the guy on the porch was pissed, too.

The report card is in and we might not graduate.

School is out for most people this summer, but for my family school has been in since the end of May.  Puppy is in Puppy Obedience School which is a misnomer because any idiot will tell you (and there must be a lot of idiots because if I could make puppy listen for every time I hear this I wouldn't need a freakin' puppy class), "Puppy school is not for the puppies, but for the owners." 

So, our family progress report so far?  As far as I can tell:  No one has learned a damn thing and it will be a miracle if we graduate and are promoted to the next grade.

1.  Sit - B+

Puppy will sit when there is a nice juicy bacon treat in your hand or when he thinks there is, unless people he doesn't know are involved.  Then he will just try to goose them in the worst way imaginable.

2.  Walking on a leash - A - D

Puppy Obedience Class is also known as Spend All Our Money on Dog Paraphernalia Class. 

Puppy now has a total of six collars. 

He has one puppy collar that he outgrew right after the first class.  He has one regular collar that he just kind of wears like the necklace your mom gave you that you never take off.  He has one electric collar that we use when he is in the backyard so that he doesn't run away (except that we forget to put it on him a lot of the time because he has SIX collars).  He has one choke chain collar that we tried with him because he was pulling too much on our walks. 

We found out that a choke chain is actually cruel and can make a dog more aggressive.  Part of me says, "Whatever.  Our Golden used one almost everyday until he died.  He loved everyone and never needed therapy."  The other part of me says, "OK.  Let's buy one more collar." 

So, puppy also has a pinch collar.  But, damn it, we found out this one is cruel, too.

So, puppy also has a Gentle Leader collar. 

Gawd.  Stop the madness.

On the video that comes with the Gentle Leader collar the narrator says, "The most important thing to remember in training your dog is consistency."

Seriously?  We have six dog collars.  Just give us an F and let's move on.

3.  Leave It:  Puppy - meh, Girl 3 - B+.

I am not even going to be able to grade puppy for Leave It because it has been reduced to a joke.

Here's what really happened the other day:

Me:  Girl 3 stop taking puppy's toy away from him.  He doesn't like that and he's gonna bite you.

Girl 3:  No he's not.  We're playing.

Puppy growing more and more agitated.

Me:  Stop doing that.  He doesn't like it.

Girl 3:  No, I think he likes it.

Puppy mouthing Girl 3 and Girl 3 screaming and yet pulling one more time at the toy.

Me:   GIRL 3 LEAVE IT!

Girl 3:  OKAY.

Puppy finally getting and keeping his toy.

4.  Stay - C-

I don't really think puppy understands stay.  He wants his bacon treat, so he tries to guess what we want him to do.  If there is any kind of squirrel, cat, dog, human, bug, or anything moving on the other side of Stay he does not stay.

5.  Take It - A+

Puppy knows Take It.  He takes "it" all the time.  Bacon treats, Little Pony brushes, dropped pencils, food scraps, dirty socks, brand new shoes, etc. , etc.

6.  Shake - D

Again, puppy really has a taste for bacon treats.  So, today he let me "shake" his paw for about a half an hour.  But, then I tried to get him to do it just now and he acted like I was ca-razy.

7.  Down - A-

Puppy loves Down.  He is one lazy dog with no strength in his lower back and butt muscles.  And our wood floors do not help.  He will Sit and immediately lay down because - I don't know - he's lazy?  It's actually pretty hilarious and I wish I could do what he does.  Just sit anywhere and then lay down.  I want to do that in the grocery store.  A lot.

So, I'm not a teacher anymore but I'd say our average is about what?  A solid C?  With one missing grade and one grade that is just wacky inconsistent? 

I'm really hoping Puppy (and by Puppy I mean Our Family) is like one of those people I'm always hearing about that dropped out of high school because it wasn't challenging enough and now they're crazy famous and rich.

Fame and fortune here we come!  (And we'll try not to goose all the neighbors trying to get there.)

Sorry, y'all. I'm busy procrastinating....I mean drinking....I mean procrastinating.

So, it's been a family filled summer so far.  Here's what I've learned.

1.  Someone made a wine for me.  (Not to be confused with a whine for me.  Someone made that for me a long, long time ago.)

Notice the little person relaxing at her desk?  She's clearly a woman.  To which I say, "Huh?"  In my extensive research and experience, men procrastinate far more than women.  Amirite?

2.  I've lost weight.  Maybe.  My swimsuit bottoms almost fell off in the pool today.  This could be because:  I have lost weight.  My swimsuit bottom elastic has completely lost its elasticity.  Or, I am a really bad swimmer.  I am going with - I lost weight.  So, yay!  And, boo.  Because now I have to shop again.

3.  Because during the first week of summer our kids were turning into computer screens, communicating with acronyms, and pausing their games only to toilet themselves and eat, hubby and I decided we had to somehow limit their technology use.

We have now limited it to the point where our kids hate us so much they might move out before school starts again in August. 

We arrived at this status via a surprising move last Sunday evening, when we voted in my family.  The two options up for vote were:  1.  Kids will use technology only on Saturday and Sunday for unlimited use.  There will be no technology use Monday - Friday.  Or, 2. kids use technology for one hour a day at the same hour Sunday - Saturday.  The kids voted for Option 2, and for one full week we have battled and argued each and every day about how many minutes are in a freaking hour.

Seriously?  Tuesday I thought Girl 2 was having the DTs because we had to stop her game and leave the house during her "one hour."

4.  I am addicted to Daft Punk.  My kids are happy, but a little concerned about me.  Have a listen and you'll soon be addicted, too.  You're welcome.

5.  I have been unable to run with puppy because he threw my hip out pulling me and I am recovering with large doses of Aleve, chocolate, and beer.  So, I am getting no exercise and gaining weight.  And he is getting no exercise and acting like a maniac.  This has created a vicious cycle similar to drug dependency.  He is hyper because no one is exercising him and no one wants to exercise him because he's too damn hyper.  Cheesus.

Hubby had a moment of pure genius earlier and declared, "We should have named puppy "Technology" because then everyone would want to play with him."

That, folks, has been my summer thus far.  How have you been?

June 16. Do you know where your brain is?

This is not a real post because it's been raining down here in Texas, I have four kids who are now home for the summer, I have one ill-behaved hyper puppy, and my house is that small.  So, it's just a list (with no particular title, in no particular order).  I promise to make it up to you in August when the kids go back to school.

1.  My son graduated from fifth grade.  Fifth grade is mandatory the last time I checked, so I still don't really understand graduation.  But, there it was.  On the upside:  I didn't cry.  On the downside:  I did not get one single decent photo.  That's okay because I'm really hoping he'll graduate from high school (and possibly even college) and I figure I'll get some photos then. 

Here's a story I thought about during the ceremony (besides, of course, how much I love my son): 

A good friend's mother-in-law brought her a box of stuff one time when she came to visit.  It was some of her husband's stuff  from since birth.  Creepy stuff.  Like his umbilical cord, all his report cards, his first lost tooth, his first lock of hair. 

The MIL said simply, "I don't want this.  Do you?" 

My friend politely mumbled, "Um.  Ok."  (While thinking, "Eww.  Hell to the no.  Throw that $hit away.")

I like to think of this story (or my version of it) when I don't get a good photo.  Somehow it makes me feel less guilty.

2.  School let out on a Thursday.  We left for vacation three days later.  This planning on my part resulted in my calendars not getting changed to June until day before yesterday.  So, I lost a few days.  I'm hoping to get them back sometime when the kids are in college.

3.  I don't understand chess pie.  I love most any kind of dessert (sometimes even ones with fruit), but chess pie is basically flour and butter?  And the name?  Not appealing.  Did they play a lot of chess during The Depression?  I am going to Google its history later today (in my free time).

4.  Why is there more laundry when you go on vacation if all anyone wears while on vacation is jammies and swimsuits?

5.  While on vacation I got a case of Swollen Lip.  No, this is not a joke.  I was going to attach a photo, but then I remembered that you can't unsee something.  Just Google it (or if you'd rather remain unscathed, don't).  I haven't had this reaction since shortly after I gave birth to Girl 1.  That reaction came with hives and a bunch of other pleasant (and attractive) symptoms and eventually I needed a shot to get rid of everything (a steroid shot, although I took plenty of other shots too as preemptive measures).

I could feel this reaction coming on, but as we were *kind of* camping, there wasn't a whole lot I could do to prevent it. 

I have been taking Zyrtec to try and calm the effects of this Swollen Lip thing. 

So, what's the point?  The point is:  Zyrtec makes me zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  That quick.  Ask Hubby.

It's like this:  Me, "Babe, I'm taking the Zyrtec now."  And then I wake up the next morning on the kitchen floor right where I took the Zyrtec.

How do people function on this stuff?

The sad part?  (Aside from the fact that I've basically slept through some of the first days of summer.)  I was on Zyrtec for much of Girl 1's infancy and toddlerhood.  That *could* explain A Lot.

6.  Girls 1, 2, and 3 came back from vacation with another stuffed animal to add to their collection of about 10,000.  Hubby "won" them these lovies after spending all of their college tuition money (which total was probably just around $550) gaming.  I AM DECLUTTERING PEOPLE!  DOESN'T ANYONE IN MY OWN FAMILY READ MY BLOG?

7.  Puppy is in college.  He's been to three classes and I'm not sure what he's learned, but here's what has happened. 

• Girl 3 has fallen off the back of her stool.  After standing on her stool, hubby told her to SIT DOWN.  So, she sat criss-cross on a stool and fell right off the back.  After practically bringing all of Petsmart to the back of the store with her screaming she wailed, "I was sitting down like dad said.  See?  That's why I stand up."
• Puppy has terrorized another family in the class who have a chocolate lab who is tiny enough to fit nicely inside a tortilla.  It's embarrassing and awkward.
• We've purchased about $400 worth of gadgets, treats, leashes, and collars to help train our dog.
• Countless people have told us, "Really puppy classes are for the owners so that they can be trained."  Really?  No kidding.  We might be in school for the rest of our lives, and hubby might need to get another job.

8.  Remember how I told you that my four year old never stops talking?  Well, one of the great things about summer is that now she can torture talk to others in my family besides just me.  Here was her conversation with Boy Child a few days ago.

Girl 3:  DON'T CALL ME GIRL 3.  MY NAME IS CHEETAHBELLOFTHEJUNGLE.

Boy Child:  Ok.  Hi Cheetahbellofthejungle.

Girl 3:  NO, THAT'S NOT MY NAME.  MY NAME IS PRINCESS CELESTIA!

Boy Child:  Ok.  Hi Princess Celestia.

Girl 3:  NO, THAT'S NOT MY NAME.  MY NAME IS CINDERELLA.

Boy Child:  Fine.  Hi Cinderella.  Guess what?

Girl 3:  What?

Boy Child:  I'm giving Girl 3 one million dollars.

Girl 3:  YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!  I GET ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!

Boy Child:  No, you don't.  You're Cinderella not Girl 3.

Ah, nice move, Grasshoppa.


That's all I got.  I'm going to go take my Zyrtec now and sleep until the kids go back to school.  Have a great summer!

Terrorized by a four year old. Or Hoarders, Part 2

So, I started doing this a few days ago.  It has been positively as joyful as bathing suit shopping for me.  On a related (kind of) note:  I chose not to buy suits this year because I thought I still had two gorgeous suits.  But, it seems the space between my neck and navel - some would call this The Bust - has shrunk.  To be safe I googled shrinking bust size.  This search yielded 1.  Shrinking building in Japan (which might mess with my mind the same way that my shrinking boobage has), and 2.  Another search where I found this sexpert Q&A  which basically says I should quit exercising in order to get what little boobage I had back.  So............................what?  Google:  YOU ARE CONFUSING AND I HATE YOU.

Anyway.

Recap:  I am decluttering my home space by space.  This is a torturous and often humorous (because torture and humor are so closely related) experience that has revealed some frightening things about my family.

1.  My four year old never stops talking.  Here's how "cleaning" has gone since her last day of school.

Her (speaking loudly from the other room):  Can we play a game?

Me:  No, baby.  Momma has to clean the entire house cabinet by cabinet.  Maybe when you are 24.

Her:  So, in a few minutes?

Me:  Maybe.

Her:  What does maybe mean again?  Yes? 

Me (making a stabbing motion through my heart):  Maybe means maybe yes or maybe no.  We'll see.

Her:  Okay.  Then, can we read a book?

Me (making a gun with my hand and pointing it toward my head):  Remember I'm cleaning so the water is running and I can't really hear you.  Come in here.

Her (skips into the kitchen):  Okay.  Can you hear me now?  Wow.  That stuff is really dirty.  Why is everything so gross?  When is the last time you did this?  Can we just move?

Me:  No.  We can't move, but I'm pretending we are moving just to keep me on my toes.

Her:  That doesn't make sense to me.

Me:  I know.  That's how cleaning is.

Her:  Why are you throwing away all of our baby dishes?

Me:  I'm not.  I am saving them for when you have babies.  Then you can give them to your babies.

Her:  Well, I'm glad mine's not blue because I am only having girls.

Me:  Well, you get what you get.  If you get a boy, you get a boy.

Her:  Well, if I get a boy, I'm sending him right back or giving him away.

Awesome.  So goes two minutes of cleaning.  We are sending away boy babies.

2.  The other day the kids came home and asked me what I had done all day.  I explained to them that I am on a mission to clean and declutter the house space by space and that this might take until they finish college.  

Girl 1:  Well, you could start by getting rid of these baby spoons.  I mean like, seriously mom?  Why do we still have these?

Boy Child:  Because, Girl 1!  Mom might have another baby.

Awesome, Part II.  This makes me both frightened for Boy Child that he thinks this is even possible at my age and also a bit horrified that the baby spoons are still in there.

3.  Yesterday I uncovered this:

Why?

Yes, that is 8000 plastic knives.  Cheesus.  Who does that???  Who has 8000 plastic knives (but no fork to save a life) in their house???  I am ready for the Mother Load of Church Picnics.....or something.

4.  Today I decided we'd had enough cleaning.  In one day I will have four kids underfoot for two and a half months and everything I have so dutifully cleaned is going to be filthy again in the first 24 hours of it.  So, I decided to go run the errands that have been piling up since...............November 2012.  We had 14 errands to run.  It was made slightly less painful by the fact that the credit union was selling chocolate popcorn for a dollar.  I was going to deposit my check, but instead I bought 589 bags of popcorn.  (JUST KIDDING!  I don't get paid that much, and besides, who can eat that much popcorn?!)  I bought Girl 3 a bag of popcorn and she was actually quiet and pleasant *almost* our entire trip.  Which leads to me to this:



These are "high waisted bathing suit bottoms."  Or, as Girl 3 called them, "Big, huge panties."  Thank you, Girl 3 for ruining what little self esteem I have left.

Yeah.  I bought these today with a top. 

"Oh, good.  I thought you weren't going to wear a top, mom," said Girl 3 in the Target changing room at the top of her lungs after opening the door on me while I was not clothed.  I hope hubby reads this post because I have a feeling he will call them "big, huge panties," too and then I will have to return them.

The end.  Boy Child "graduates" from fifth grade tomorrow with all the pomp and circumstance of The Royal Wedding.  I am hoping I don't cry like a crazy woman at a funeral.  Wish me luck.

How to Survive the Second to the Last Month of School

1.  Invest in a quality set of ear plugs.  These will be helpful for handling the increased decibel level of sibling rivalry, the incessant chatter from young children, the high decibel level of homework complaints, and the torturous wails of children who are being asked to perform a chore or necessary task.

2.  Buy a good quantity of matches to light a fire under your kids' arses.  Instead of becoming more proficient at something your kids have been doing for approximately 135 days (that is:  getting up, getting dressed, eating breakfast, getting their lunches together, brushing their teeth, combing their hair, and making it out to the bus in the nick of time), sometime during the second to the last month of school they will oddly regress to the stage of toddlerhood where everything must be repeated 8000 times and they move as if they have Aunt Jemima syrup running in their veins.

3.  Stock up on carbs, adult beverages, greasy and/or salty food, and chocolate and/or other sweets.  This is kind of a paradox because although you have approximately 30 days until someone might possibly have to see you in a bathing suit and way less than 30 days to actually go to a store and try on bathing suits (with bad lighting and pasty skin) and therefore you should really be trying everything to lose the 10 pounds of winter weight you have gained, the stress of the second to the last month of school is going to make you want to shovel in every morsel of not-good-for-you food that you can possibly get a hold of.

4.  Carefully launder and neatly pack away all of your kids' winter clothes items and launder all of the blankets and other linens that you are not going to need for six and a half months.  And then just pack them all away dirty and unorganized again after dragging them all back out because Mother Nature decides to leave you with just one more cold snap.

5.  Plan and pay for your summer vacation so that you can use the following threat against your kids each and every time they misbehave or act as if they are about to misbehave from now until your summer vacation:  IF YOU DON'T STOP DOING THAT (or IF YOU DO THAT ONE MORE TIME, or IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING THAT) YOU ARE GOING TO STAY HOME ALONE WHILE WE ARE ALL ON THE WHITE SANDS BEACHES OF TAHITI.  (I use that only as an example.  If we were actually going to Tahiti on vacation this would be an alternate universe.)

6.  Begin to scope out every Vacation Bible School in the city so that you can register your kids for each and every one.  In this way your kids can be well-rounded Christians.  (I don't actually do that because once my kids attend the only VBS they have ever attended I am pretty sure that VBS puts out an APB on my kids along with their photos so that every other VBS in the city is on alert for them and is ready to put out the "full" sign should I come along with my application.)

7.  Begin to make a list of all the things that you are going to get done once school lets out for the summer.  Gradually cross things off the list because as reality sinks in they are way too difficult to achieve with kids in the home.  Add all those things to your current daily lists and stare at that until you become too overwhelmed to move.  Eat or drink some of the food or beverages referred to in #3.

8.  Spend a good eight hours painstakingly making a summer budget wherein you assess what your home needs in terms of a "face lift", research how much these items might cost, and who might do these repairs for you.  Then, patiently pay for the following things that break before you can even cash your quickly disappearing tax refund check:  the air conditioner, the water heater, the dog, the hair dryer, the printer, and the tub.

9.  Change your calendar to May even though it's still April.  (And if it was still on February - consider that a bonus.)  April is going to slide by in a blur of school events, end of year shenanigans, empty beer cans (that you can't really remember drinking), birthday parties (damn the August heat - or something -  that apparently led to 90% of my kids' friends being born in April), piles of work (some of it the result of March's procrastination), summer vacation planning, budgeting, and worthless attempts at fitness in order to fit into a bathing suit.  Most of the $hit that happens in April will not even make it on your calendar.  Trust me on this one.

10.  Remember - if all else fails, you can always homeschool next year!  (That almost always gets me into the right frame of mind to make it through the day!)

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

Inevitably on one of my many trips to my kids' school, I will see what one of my kids wrote on their What I Did On My Summer Vacation report upon returning to school and I will cringe and hope that their teacher didn't read the papers with a fine tooth comb or that some over achieving parent didn't read it so that I do not have to suffer the smirks when they meet me later and think back, "Oh, that's the parent that had the kid that said they 'got yelled at a lot on their summer vacation.'"

Is there anything as old as What I Did On My Summer Vacation papers?  I mean, did the baby T-Rex do it, too?  It's like this pre-historic ritual dating back to fire and/or the wheel.

Because I am an ex-teacher and because I have four kids and like to be prepared (ha-ha), we usually practice what the kids are going to write right before we go back to school so that no one writes:  "Nothing," or "Fought a lot with my sisters," or "Ate loads of junk food and watched inappropriate TV."  Not that any of my kids have ever done any of that.

This year I decided to hell with the kids.  I'm going to practice and refine my own report.  So, that's what I did.  (Minus the practicing - this is pretty much straight from my muddled, middle-aged brain to yours - not that you are muddled or middle-aged, but if you are, I'm sorry.) 

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

1.  I failed to practice No Child Left Behind during our vacation at a family resort and inadvertently did not notice that Girl 3 was missing from the elevator until the elevator doors closed.  Thanks to a quick acting husband who springs into action when there is any emergency, Girl 3 was found unscathed and in the presence of several kind strangers who were trying to elicit from her her name and her parents' name.  Hubby immediately told them all, "Thank you!!!" and "Her mother lost track of her and got on the elevator without her."  Thank you, hubby.

2.  I taught Girl 3 how to spell her name.  Well, I didn't really teach her.  Hubby and Girl 1 did.  (Too bad they didn't do that before we lost her, eh?)  I'm putting it on my list, though, because technically if they could put it on their lists, so could I. 

3.  I took on one more job - bringing my grand total to four.  So, if my list next year says, "Took a vacation in the Crazy House," y'all will know why.

4.  I learned how to cook Quinoa.  And I learned to like it.  I know.  That's crazy, huh?  More on that in another post.

5.  I made more cake pops than one person who is clumsy, has no gift for detail, is impatient, and can't really bake should EVER make.  I did not improve one iota.

6.  I finished more books than I had the time to finish the entire school year of 2011-2012. 

7.  I worked out diligently.  I know.  Blech.  But, recently I bought hubby a scale.  I stepped on it (the first time I've been on a scale since our last one broke - I don't think from weight, but who knows) and I weigh nine pounds less than the last time I stepped on a scale.  It's probably wrong, but I'll take something that is wrong that makes me feel accomplished than something that is accurate that makes me want to throw in the towel. 

8.  I slept insanely late (eight-ish) some days, and went to be insanely early some days (eight-ish). 

9.  I mostly gave up processed food.  Again.

10.  And the best thing I did this summer that may (or may not) give me the strength to get through this treacherous school year:  I laughed a lot at my kids, with my kids, and around my kids.

I hope your summer was memorable in a fabulous way and that you find yourself ready for this school year, and that if you aren't ready that you find yourself with lots of beer and dark chocolate to get you through.

While I Was Out

I've been in the Bahamas for the past week.  Just kidding.  We went on a family vacation up to North Texas.  It was awesome and I will have a post for you soon on the Intricacies of Traveling With Children (as soon as I can see the laptop over the loads of dirty laundry).  What is even more awesome is that my good friend, justahausweyef, has finally decided to write a guest post for me.  You can find her at that link, or if you want to check out her 18 genius Pinterest boards, check her out here:  http://pinterest.com/jamiewaters77.  Enjoy the read and I'll be back for good soon!

While you were out: Some reflections on my most epic yet un-eventful summer ever. 

by:  justahausweyef

 As I know you are fond of lists (and they are so much easier for me to create) I have come up with the following list of some discoveries, observations and somewhat useful information compiled from my lazy summer stay-cation. (these are not in any kind of rated or numerical order, only just as they come to my mind, which we know is wrought with alzheimer’s, A.D.D. and trivia.)

1.    I am terrifically calmed by buffing, shining and polishing my finger and toe nails.

2.    I have been really good about letting my kid experience most normal summer activities without worrying about possible injuries, ie: sunburn, bug bites, broken limbs and drowning) despite the fact that we are temporarily in the “un-insured” population.

3.    Cancer sucks. Yes, this is not original, but I have had far too many loved ones, close friends, and esteemed celebrities who are far too young, old with lust for life or just middle aged with much to share, who have been stricken or taken.

4.    8 year-olds going on 9 are full of piss and vinegar, and I would almost rather go through potty training instead.

5.    My husband and I don’t know what to do or have no interest in doing what we should  or could be doing, when our kid is safely being cared for and out of the house. Instead, we watch “grown-up TV” or go out with absolutely no agenda and bicker for entertainment.

6.    Seeing the new Battle Star Galactica on Netflix was like watching an epically long futuristic train-wreck with Edward James Olmos and lot’s of famous Canadians, and I loved it and loved making my husband watch it. (see number 5)

7.    Urban s’mores: microwave marshmallows on half a graham cracker for 10 seconds, while slathering Nutella on the other half, when it beeps, take ‘em out, slap ‘em together and it’s like camping without bugs.

8.    I am not sure which of these most compels me to shower immediately afterward: swimming in a public pool (human fluids) or the Guadalupe River (human and wildlife fluids).

9.    Really and truly, I am the only one of my friends who ALWAYS has band-aids, napkins and hand sanitizer at all times. (See number 9)

10.  Anderson Cooper is gay.

11.  Tragically, I was swept up in the K-Stew & R-Patz adultery scandal. (Google it, I don’t have time to explain, or rather, I’m too lazy to type it)

12.  I read some fine literature this summer. Oh, and some smutty trilogy, you may have heard of: 50 shades of mommy porn. (Google it)

13.  As of today, I have pinned 628 useful or hilarious bits of dribble on my 18 Pinterest boards. It probably would have been more but my husband has been home all summer, so I have had to pretend to look busy.

14.   I am good at shopping for everything and for anyone, but I have no talent for earning money while doing it.

15.  Texas is very hot. I have not found a solution for comfortably wearing shorts or skirts with my very sweaty thighs.  It is like my epic quest. (perhaps I should just join the YMCA)

16.   I would never make a good politician. But I make an awesome confidant. People are always telling me stuff, especially complete strangers in the frozen food aisle at the grocery store.

17.   I am almost as lost without DVR and Netflix as my kid is. I fear for my future  eldercare.

18.   Good friends are hard to come by, but crazy friends are easy to find. I will take  good crazy friends over crazy family any day.

19.   Never sit near a group of 10 or more moms on a Girls-Night-Out in a restaurant; it will ruin your meal, especially if you are a single 20-something and trying to “hook-up.”

20.   The more I worry about what to do with my free time, vacation, or quality family time, the more I don’t enjoy it. If I can go with the moment and let life happen, I find that I enjoy my wine and not need it so much.

 

Oh, and I neva' eva' want you to say "crack" to your teacher, okay?

So, summer's almost over.  I abhor goodbyes, so I will happily stay here in denial until the last possible breath of summer is officially over.

I thought I'd give you a short list of a few things I've overheard this summer that I hope never, ever make an appearance in public school year 2012-2013.


1.  Girl 2 and Girl 3 (age 3) were recently discussing beverages they liked and the conversation was going something like this:

Girl 2:  Oh, and I like apple juice.

Girl 3:  Me, too!  I love apple juice.  And I like orange juice, too.

Girl 2:  Oh, yeah.  Me, too.  And milk!

Girl 3:  Yes!  Me, too!

Girl 2:  Oh, and water!  It's so good for you! 

Girl 3.  Yes.  And I like wine, too!

Me:  (in my head):  WTF???  Did she just say wine???

Girl 2 (chuckling fiercely):  Wine???  You haven't had wine!  When have you had wine?  Besides, that's illegal.  Right, mom???

(Praise God someone knows the law.)

Girl 3:  YES!  GRANDPA GAVE ME WINE! 

Me:  (Oh, holy Jesus Mother of God.  WHAT?):  Baby, when did grandpa give you wine?  And, yes, that's illegal.

Girl 3:  Remember?  On Corina's First Holy Communion?

Girl 2:  OH!!!  You are confused.  That wasn't wine.  That was the blood of Jesus.  And, besides you didn't have it.  I DID.

Me (Oh, yeesh.  That clarifies everything.  This just keeps getting better and better.):  Baby, is that what you are thinking of?

Girl 3:  No.  I KNOW THAT.  I am talking about the wine grandpa brought for me!

Girl 2:  OH!  I KNOW WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT NOW.  Remember grandpa brought us that fancy grape juice in that fancy bottle?

Me:  OH!!!  THAT!  (Thank you, Jesus.)  Baby, THAT is called Sparkling Grape Juice!

Girl 3:  Oh.  Well, all this time I thought it was wine.

Perfect.

2.  Girl 3 (Frequently referred to as "Baby") has taken to saying, "MOM blank-blank just called me the F-word!!!!"

Me:  Baby, what F word?

Girl 3:  Are you going to get mad if I say it?

Me:  No.

Girl 3:  Dummy.

Me:  Baby, that's not the F-word.  And you are not a dummy.  Dummy is not a very kind word, but it's not the F-word.

Girl 3:  Oh.

Next day (or hour).

Girl 3:  MOM, blank-blank JUST CALLED ME THE F-WORD!!!!!

Perfect.

3.  Further evidence that Girl 1 might be following directly in my footsteps.  A few days ago in the Yukon Cornelius Girl 1 suddenly asked:

Who is our president?

Me:  Um.  Obama.

Girl 1:  No, I mean who is running for president?

Me:  Do you mean in November in the elections?

Girl 1:  Yes.

Me:  President Obama is running for a second term against Republican Mitt Romney.

Girl 1:  Hmm.  That's weird.

Me:  What's weird about it?

Girl 1:  Does that guy Mitt Romney write cartoons for the newspaper?  Or is he the name of a cartoon or have something to do with cartoons???

Me (truly stumped by this one):  Hmm.  I'm not sure, but I don't think so.

Girl 1 left it at that and then later showed me this:

And said:

Oh, here it is, mom.  Mallard Fillmore?  Mitt Romney?  See why I was confused?

Yes, baby.  I do.  Perfectly.

4.  Girl 3 has become quite fond of saying (when someone has upset her):

I am neva' eva' (because she speaks like a Kennedy - we don't know why), neva' eva', neva' eva', neva' eva' going to talk to you again.

And then sometimes less than three minutes later she'll say to that person she just "neva' eva'ed":

Do you want to play?

This is fantastically cute, but it just attests to the bipolarness of my family.

5.  And the last one I will leave you with.

The word "crack" has made an ugly appearance (Ha!  See how I did that?) in our family.  Now, typically you might hear "crack" used to describe a separation between two areas.  And, this is how the fits of giggles usually start out.

The other day Girl 1 screamed to brother (who was playing with this grabber-thingie he has that I think he bought from an infomercial), "Brother, come quick!  I need that grabber-thingie.  I was trying to put my bathing suit in the washing machine and it fell into the crack!"

Wild laughter from them both.

Then brother rushed into the laundry room and apparently examined the situation.  Upon which he said, "Wow.  I don't know if I can help you because that is a huge crack."

More wild laughter.


Whose kids are these?

All I can really say is, "Teachers of my children:  Prepare thyselves.  Summer *might* almost be over."

Polly Pocket in the house tonight and other reasons why we know it's still summer.

I've been so unfaithful to my blog and to my blogroll and I miss you all dearly.  No grand excuse.  I didn't win the lottery.   I haven't been offered an amazing book deal and been busy with publishers. I didn't discover my husband was secretly a woman.  I wasn't requesting odd sex scenes for the actress who is going to play me in the Lifetime movie.  I wasn't involved in a wardrobe malfunction at the Olympics.  No, I really have no good excuses.  I wasn't even watching the Olympics.  Oh, the horror.  How can I be an American?  I know.

Since I am still married (to a man), I still have four unruly kids, I am still working more jobs than a Jamaican, and it is still summer, this post is really anti-climatic.  (And, if you want to just detour to the end where I apologize to you and promise to be more faithful - I won't hate you in the morning.) 

Basically this post is just going to be a random list of what has been happening.

1.  I went to the Big D.  (That's Dallas, not Detroit.)  I went to Dallas for a work retreat and I learned quite a bit.  Here are a few of the highlights (names have been changed to protect the innocent - so innocent if you are reading, you're welcome).  Sublist!

• I had my photo taken by A Professional.  Now, let's just clear up something that's been kind of hanging on my blog for a while.  I am no Looker.  I have what is called "a face for radio."  AND, I appear horrible in photos because I am also what's called Non photogenic.  Or, in some circles Anti photogenic.  Every photo that's ever been taken of me looks just like me.  And, therein lies the problem.  I have been waiting my whole life for someone to take my photo and transform it into someone else.  Like Angelina Jolie.  Well, this gal that took my photo has skills.  She's not God, so I still do not look like Angelina Jolie, but finally I have a photo I can look at happily. 



That's Mrs. DayintheLife.  She kinda looks like she could be a reporter or famous novelist.  No?  Okay.  No.  At least she doesn't hurt your eyes as much as when she photographs herself with the long arm?

• Women who don't get out much (or who do) when left to their own devices can get quite ca-razy.  Let's just suffice it to say that I have a new favorite drink called the Pineapple Upside-down Martini.  Drink it!  Your body will thank you.
• I fully embraced my inability to coordinate clothes.  In fact, thanks to a fabulously insightful keynote speaker we had, I have decided that I might never dress myself again.  (Except for maybe going to the grocery store and working-out.)  Life is short.  If you suck at doing something, consider the options.  I cannot put together an outfit to save my life.  So, (and in a roundabout way this is really a thank you note) Justahausweyef, my sincere thanks for assisting me in the fashion department.  You would have probably cried at all the compliments I got on my coordinated outfits.

2.  This is Girl 3's favorite song.  Although, lately she has changed the words to, "Polly Pocket in the house tonight.  Everybody gonna have a good time."  This not only calls into question the parenting judgment of one who would let a three year old listen to a band that calls itself LMFAO, but the integrity of Polly Pocket herself.

3.  Yesterday hubby and I took our motley crew to Six Flags Fiesta Texas.  In years past, we've arrived around 3:30 and stayed until closing (9:30/10:00 p.m.).  We've selected this time schedule in order to avoid parental and child melt-downs.  This year we decided Girl 3 was old enough to stay all day without serious risk of a melt-down. 

And, I think our kids tried to kill us. 

We operate sans maps so I think we covered every square inch of the park about three times.  Did I say it's about 8000 acres?  Oh, and did I mention it was like 106 degrees?  It was nuts.  And fun.  Girl 3 had only one melt-down and it caused everyone in line for the bumper cars to lose all control.

She was dragged (by me) from the line screaming and spitting (yes, I said spitting).  She was too short to ride the ride, even with an adult.  This (unfortunately for her because it kinda ruins the drama when everyone is laughing at you) caused everyone in line (and me) to laugh hysterically either out of empathy or cruelty (I'll take either).

When I asked her a few minutes later when she was calm why she was spitting at me, she very calmly and sweetly said, "Because I am old enough to drive." 

Yeah, you are.  You've been driving me crazy since you were born.

4.  Girl 1 has become quite good at little quips in response to my little quips.  (Who me?  Quip?  I know.)

She has a horrible habit of wiping her mouth on the inside of the neckline of her shirt.  Ugh.  I hate it.  I've tried every way possible to get her to stop...short of public humiliation...which I tried this past week.

Me:  You are never going to get a boyfriend by doing that.  (She's nine.  I am *around* thirty-nine.)

Her:  That's okay, mom.  I already have one.

Ouch.

Girl 1:  1
Mom:  ZERO

Detour ends:  I am going to try to be more faithful to my blog and to all of your wonderfully funny and absolutely great blogs, but know that it's still summer and summer doesn't even allow for private potty time most days.  Until next time!