Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Breaking Badly

Where did April go?  I slept a few times, drank a beer and it was May.  Now May's almost gone. 

And to make matters worse, I thought I had one more week this month.  This explains a lot.

So, here it is.

1.  My Breaking Bad withdrawal lasted about one week.  I'm over it now.  Thanks for the cards.  What do I have to show for the million hours of my life spent on Netflix?  Just this.  Once I want to end a sentence with, "BITCHES."  Examples: 
  • Make your beds, BITCHES.
  • Dinner, BITCHES.
  • I ain't cookin' tonight, BITCHES.
  • Laundry is done, BITCHES.
  • Yo, I'm not the maid, BITCHES.
2.  We are almost there and by that I mean my kids have turned into monkeys.  Straight from the Bronx zoo.  Serius.  They are ca-razy town.  Hubby and I lost our minds the other night and made them be respectful and clean up after themselves.  The audacity, right?  Cheesus.  Can I sell them to the circus for the next two weeks?

3.  My secret pal this semester gave me a lot of chocolate.  Here's what I discovered.  Ghiradelli Sea Salt Soiree.  (Is 'soiree' French because it just sounds naughty.  But, it's not.  It's an "evening party or social gathering."  Well.........Sea Salt Evening Party or Social Gathering?  Really, Ghiradelli?)  Today the monkeys were screaming at each other and it was just awful.  I wanted to go all Mommy Dearest on them, so I slipped into the pantry and broke open a package of these lovelies.  I ate about five squares.  Even though the name is fooked up, Get Some, you guys.  You can email me if you are not satisfied and I'll refund the time you took to read this post. 

4.  Forget Wife Swap.  Let's do Sister Wives.  I need help with the laundry.

5.  If there was an Academy Award for Procrastination I'd win it.   

6.  Remember the Do Not Call List and how it was supposed to save us from ourselves?  What the hell?  I think it's working worse than Nancy Reagan's Just Say No.  As far as I know, I am ON THE LIST and yet some gal keeps calling me (at dinner) telling me I won a 10 day cruise for me and my family.  Obviously, she has never met my family.

7.  A few months back I bought a Vitamix.  When you buy a Vitamix the first thing you have to do is refinance your house.  The second thing you have to do is read through the little recipe book and see that basically you can make anything in the Vitamix.  Like if you lose all your teeth you can make ribeye, baked potatoes, rolls, and a salad in the Vitamix.  But, if you still have your teeth, do you really want that?  Anyway.  I was looking for a margarita recipe and one of the kids said, "Look mom.  You could make peanut butter.  Is that what the pioneers did?"  It's an odd moment when you have to explain to your kid that no, the pioneers did not make peanut butter with a Vitamix. 

8.  Do you ever just want to let your kids watch all the shows to teach them a lesson?  For example, wouldn't Breaking Bad work a hell of a lot better than Just Say No?  Really?  I'd be all, "Drugs will ruin your life, guys.  I'm Serious.  Now, get some popcorn and let's watch another episode of Breaking Bad."

9.  We changed our phone service.  Now, you'd think this would be an easy process, right?  Not like rocket science or anything.  Wrong.  It is just like rocket science.  Or really just like this show I heard on Science Friday the other day when they were interviewing a scientist of Quantum Physics and he was talking about passing from different states of matter and was it possible to teleport and did your molecular composition change and could the original theories "we" had about this phenomena be incorrect.............and he was serious.  That's what it's like to change your phone service

Hubby handled it all because I can't talk to phone people without wanting to rush out and do meth or at least sell it.  Here's how the conversation went down:

Hubby:  I'd like to cancel my phone service.

Phone service:  Ok.  Let me connect you to someone who can help you.

Music from the 80's (that hubby actually liked and was singing along to)

Phone service:  Yes, can I get your number?

Hubby:  xxx-xxx-xxxx

Phone service:  Yes, and what can we help you with?

Hubby:  I'd like to cancel my phone service.

Phone service:  Oh no.  I'm sorry to hear that.  Are you moving?

Hubby:  No, I'm actually dissatisfied.

Phone service:  Oh no.  I'm sorry to hear that.  We don't actually handle people who are dissatisfied.  That's actually a different branch.  Let me connect you to someone who can help you.

Music from the 80's.

Phone service:  Yes, can I get your number?

Hubby:  xxx-xxx-xxxx

Phone service: Yes, and what can we help you with?

Hubby:  I'd like to cancel my phone service.

Phone service:  Oh no.  I'm sorry to hear that.  Are you dissatisfied?

Hubby:  Yes.

Phone service:  Oh no!  What are you dissatisfied with?


Two weeks later:  We get a bill for everything we were told that day we would no longer have to pay for because of our dissatisfaction.  I Can't Get No Satisfaction, y'all.  Cue the f*cking music.

Don't be a stranger! 

(Because kids think it's creepy.)


jamiew said...

So I changed my service before canceling my other service. For once that worked out to my favor, for two reasons: 1. When I returned service ones's crap equipment, I got the satisfaction of being able to tell them in person, "no I've moved on, and it IS you not me" & 2. A month later, I recieved a refund check for the overpayment of crappy service I had put up with. Even though it was my money, it just felt good to actually get it back as a check written to me from them.

Shannon said...

I loved EVERYTHING about this. Especially fond of Scandal on Netflix. It's like West Wing but with CIA torture and cunnilingus. Not at the same time...that wouldn't make any sense.

Jack Ament said...

Just now watching all of "Shameless". Good God, it's a riot........Loved the prose, Mon.....take care!

Monica said...

@jamiew - you just became even higher on my List Of People I Aspire To Be (if that's possible). you got money from The Man??? I want to kiss you (in a totally non-lesbian way). @Shannon - see? I love you, man. @jack - friend! I am honored. I mostly write drivel so when someone "loves" it that's like better than chocolate AND beer. xoxo

Megly Mc said...

Let's go back to the term, "A beer". A BEER!? I think we need to adjust that to MANY beers...you know...really make May count. :)

Monica said...

@megly mc - I know right??? what the f*ck? my only excuse? I did not have time...wait...WHO doesn't have time for BEER? and why? clearly I need some help over here.

Nomads By Nature said...

You missed an opportunity to use your b word after "cue the music". I'm disappointed, but you are so freaking hilarious I will overlook it. :) And I may have to look for that chocolate next time I'm back. I've been making due with dark chocolate with hazelnuts and milk chocolate with pistachios. Do you think sprinkling sea salt on top would be a good substitute or should I just wait the next few months?

Monica said...

@nomads - you are a GENIUS....or should I say a guiness? ;o) I feel compelled to revise the post now. so, you are coming back to the states??? oh, I promise, get you some of this chocolate. next to godiva dark chocolate covered almonds this stuff is my absolute favorite - AND it's much cheaper than godiva. you will NOT be disappointed. I must say, though, your make-do concoction sounds pretty good. we must do what we must do in the name of sweets. ;o) xoxo

Monica said...

@nomads - or actually how about - I'd like to cancel my phone service, BITCHES? now, there would be some satisfaction, huh? I am now thinking - UN DO and REWRITE. damn it.