R.I.P. in 2014

Cue Taps.  Here's what I'm putting to rest in 2014.

1.  Reading top 10 lists for What Not to Buy in 2014.  Mainly because I have just purchased about five of the items on that list. 

• a new laptop with Windows 8,
• a new home phone,
• I just opened a credit card that issues store credit for purchases rather than cash back (and I was quite smug with myself after doing it),
• I still have cable (the horrors if Marketwatch could see the TV I'm running cable on) (and the VCR that sits on top of it).  Not pretty.
• a digital camera (shoot me now).

Ms. Day in the Life:  The 80's called and they want their technology back.

Oh, but on the upside, Ms. AnnaMaria Andriotis:  I have short legs!

2.  I'm putting to bed the notion that I am smarter than a sixth grader.  No, I do not know the difference between algae and protozoa and I'm sick of pretending that I might remember and be able to explain it if you give me a second to finish dinner (and sneak over to my laptop).

3.  R.I.P. my memory.  You are being laid to rest.  The upside - hubby can't remember jack either.  True story:  The other day he said to me, "Babe, my memory is like a bad woman."  To which I laughed out loud.  A few days later I said back to him, "I'm still laughing at when you said your memory was like a bad woman."  Hubby looked blankly at me and said, "I said that?"

4.  I'm putting feeling like I'm punishing the earth when I eat meat to bed.  Mostly because that guilt's been pretty well buried since about six months ago and also because yesterday our neighbor, who apparently knows how expensive it is to feed four growing children, gave us a ginormous box of meat.  Happy Carnivorous Guilt Free New Year to Me!

5.  R.I.P. to the notion that my house will stay clean even a few hours after our house cleaner has come over.  I swear to God when a kid in my house drops a gallon of milk on the floor right after the house cleaner has closed the front door an angel gets his wings.  I'm done caring.

6.  And along the lines of keeping the house clean - Rest in peace the notion of cleaning the tools used for cleaning.  WTF?  I'm burying cleaning the vacuum, dishwasher, tub, and washing machine.

7.  Decadent vacations sans children on deserted islands with huge cocktails.  Rest in peace me in a bikini in Isla de Mujeres.

8.  The idea that I'll learn more about wine...or anything about wine.  R.I.P. me as a sommelier in 2014.

9.  The idea that I'll learn more about photography.  I won't.  Not in 2014, not in 2015.  Not on a box.  Not with a fox.

10.  Lastly, R.I.P. teaching this dog to fetch.  Much has been debated during 2013 about whether a dog who cannot fetch is, in fact, a real dog.  Who has a dog that can't fetch???  Me.  That's who.

I'm also putting to bed the notion that I care even remotely about sports.  Except possibly when this happens:

Then I still will not be able to help myself.  Even in 2014.

Happy New Year.

January 4. Resolutions amended. I hate it when this happens.

In case you missed it, I made some half a$$ resolutions which now need to be amended............three days later.

If you don't click the link - I resolved to not go for seconds when eating.  I am amending this to:  I resolve to not go for thirds.  Or in the case that I go for thirds, I resolve to not go for fourths.  And this resolution is null and void on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays.  Damn it.

I also would like to add the following to my short list of resolutions.

1.  I resolve to never buy anything white for any member of my family ever again.  I also resolve to remember this resolution when I am at the store and there is something I want for one of us and the only color left is white.  Put it back.

2.  I resolve to not put anything hubby has told me not to put in the disposal in the disposal (first and foremost:  silverware of any kind).  You're welcome, hubby.

3.  I resolve to not lock myself in the bathroom on cold, wet, and long days in which the children have gone absolutely insane and puppy has $hit on the floor.  Or rather - I resolve to not lock myself in the bathroom for longer than one hour or as long as it takes for the children to physically harm themselves and make the puppy wish he had been euthanized - whichever comes first.  You're welcome, puppy.

4.  I resolve to take my frustrations out on cleaning the house rather than draining the bottle.  (Why have I never thought of this one before?  I must be getting smarter as I age.)

5.  I resolve to not waste time on the internets anymore.  Ever.

6.  I resolve never to play any kind of trivia game with my children again until I am considerably smarter (more on this one later after I have regained a smidgen of my dignity).

There.  I think I'm done.  (#7 was:  I resolve to not get a puppy in 2013.  Technically I met that one because we signed the paperwork for our new puppy - who incidentally hates cold and rain and is as equally insane as my own children - on December 29, 2012.  Thank you, me!)

Is it too late to wish me a Happy f*cking New Year!?  If not, maybe you should!

My New Year's resolution for you is for you to make New Year's resolutions.

I'm not a huge fan of resolutions, but I make them every year.  I've had moderate success over the years, so that seems reason enough not to stop.

In order to achieve some level of success and be a reliable resolution setter, I've learned to:  1.  Set the bar low.  2.  Make the number small.  3.  And, keep getting back on the wagon until it finally runs me over.

Resolutions 2013.

1.  I resolve to not interrupt any of my children or my husband when they are talking (I will also try not to interrupt anyone else, but see paragraph 2, #1).  I have an annoying habit of always thinking I know what everyone is going to say before they say it (nine times out of ten I am right).  So, I just say it while they are still talking trying to say what they were going to say.  Our conversations are basically one person talking (or a few people talking) and me interrupting (or a few people interrupting).  So, basically nothing ever gets completely said or understood. 

But, it's really hard for me not to interrupt....in fact I may already need to interrupt this resolution to amend it!  Damn it!  I resolve to not interrupt any of my children or my husband when they are talking on Mondays?

2.  I resolve not to go for seconds.  (I'm gonna need some bigger plates.)  My good friend recently lost a good amount of weight and when I asked her about how she did it she said, "I don't go for seconds.  Sometimes my plate is loaded down and somewhat hard to carry, but I do not go for seconds anymore."



I might need to buy these "extra large dinner plates."  And the fork and spoon might need to find my home, too.
 

3.  I resolve to exercise first thing in the morning.  Lately (since about Halloween) my workouts have gotten later and later.  I find myself spending all morning (and much of the early afternoon) in my workout clothes.  One of two things has been happening:  1.  It gets too late to actually workout and I realize I've spent a good deal of the day answering the questions - Oh, did you just run?  Oh, are you getting ready to run?  or 2.  I don't shower for days because I end up having just enough time to workout, but not to shower.  Both of these options are uncomfortable and problematic.



#lessembarrassingthechildren?

4.  I resolve to eat all the remaining crap food in the house by Monday.  I know better than to resolve to "eat healthy," or "lose the holiday weight gain," or any other overachieving resolution like that.  I simply want all this sh*t a$$ food out of my house so that I have a fighting chance...and I'm not going to throw it away (because there are starving people somewhere in the world who would give the world to eat these seven remaining fudge brownies).

5.  I resolve to make more resolutions for other people.  It never fails that while I am doing my resolutions I really can't think of many ways to improve myself.  But, I can think of many ways in which to improve the people I live with.  So, rather than let this eat away at me why not just help them resolve some things for themselves?  It's brilliant, right?

Resolution #1 for all family members (except me) - put things back where they belong...damn it!  I think if they all just did that we could have peace in our house for all of 2013 (or even just for a few days).

Okay.  That's it.  Five simple resolutions.  Set the bar low and make the number small!  And help your fellow resolutioners out when you can!

I hope you guys have success and peace in the New Year (and a little money wouldn't hurt either...or a lot of money) and I'll be back soon with photos of our new addition to the family.  (It's a boy!)

Do I need a resolution to do that?

So, doing a little research today and read that New Year resolutions date all the way back to 153 B.C. and Janus a mythical king whose head was at the top of every calendar (at least that's what Wikipedia said and if they said it it can be taken as gospel).  This news in no way makes me appreciate resolutions, believe in their worth, or want to hear any one's (my own included).  And yet, I would somehow feel like I disappointed you if I did not blog my resolutions while AT THE SAME TIME blogging them seems self-righteous and over-rated.  So, what to do?  I am blogging them, but I am giving you fair warning.  So, if you think this is totally self-righteous, disgusting, and you want to vomit - please click to check your email or update your Facebook status.  If not, read on!

2012 Resolutions (low expectations = goals met)

1.  I resolve not to watch Millionaire Match Maker again......on weeknights.....more than once.
2.  I resolve to not care about what Charlie Sheen tweets.....or read about it on Google....or in the newspaper.....or if it comes on NPR I resolve to immediately turn off the radio and not listen intently because it feeds my shallow, voyeuristic self.
3.  I resolve to increase my stalkerish blogroll by only 2...okay, let's be realistic....only 12.
4.  I resolve to research the correct addresses for the five returned Christmas cards that are next to my home phone...just kidding!  They are going in the trash right after I finish blogging.
5.  I resolve to purge my home of any "Christmas" (except the Christmas that lies within my heart - collective gag) before day's end.
6.  I resolve to continue in my procrastination as long as it isn't hurting anyone and my kids are not hungry....well, just a little hungry because that means they will eat good at the next meal.
7.  I resolve to eat less preservatives unless they are in marshmallows because I have researched making marshmallows and it's not going to happen unless someone is paying me a lot of money and then only if they look like Johnny Depp.  We are talking about making marshmallows, right?
8.  I resolve to pin more things on Pinterest because my memory is fading quicker than most people's hope to resolve.
9.  I resolve to not harbor bitterness toward people who love to workout....well, not a lot of bitterness and only the kind of bitterness that doesn't really hurt the person you are bitter toward (physically).
10.  I resolve to always end my lists with 10....unless it's a good list and I really need to say more stuff.
11.  See?  I resolve to not let my three year old eat dead s'mores off the ground from last night's fire pit (I had to add that because it just happened and until now I had no idea I would need to resolve that).
12.  I resolve to reserve the right to delete or add to my list at any point during 2012 when I change my mind.  Does that require a resolution?
13.  I resolve to be honest with others...even when it hurts....(them).
14.  I resolve to blog more about things that matter.....JUST KIDDING!

Okay!  I think that takes care of everything.  And, if it doesn't I'll just amend my list!  Happy New Year guys!  And when resolving, remember:  It's gonna be a LONG freakin' year and there's always tomorrow!

If you've seen my willpower, please send it home.

Here we are in that wayward time between Christmas and New Year's Eve when everyone is trying to: 1.  Clean the house (or, in my case, figure out how long you can go without cleaning the house before people get tired of stepping in goo, moving boxes around to eat, or wearing semi-clean underwear), 2.  Lose weight (just so you can eat without guilt in four more days), 3.  Figure out new electronics (in our case that would be a Wii - I know, not new, but new to us), 4.  Return Christmas presents you didn't really want and replace them with more crap stuff you don't really want do want, and 5.  Really just hang on psychologically until New Year's Day when you can let loose, be justified with all the looming resolutions you need to crank out on, and look forward to returning back to "normal." 

Well, I just wanted to check in with you during this sensitive time and let you know what I am dealing with (because, in the end, it's all about me).

1.  I am dealing with resisting tons and tons of sweets and chocolate.  I *might* be addicted to sweets and I *might* need an intervention and 12 step program.  Seriously.  I cannot resist all this sugar.  I am powerless against it.  Here is what stares back at me when I look in my kitchen (warning:  this list is a little obscene):  chocolate covered pretzels, an assortment of chocolate treats from a Hershey's bag, pecan sugar cookies, Christmas sugar cookies, fudge, cookies from the sweet neighbors delivered last night (because we didn't have enough), turtle pie (which is a little like heaven), Lindor chocolates, and some little green and red M&M's that are very handy and melt in your mouth not in your hands.  I have often justified eating all of these sweets by saying to myself that the sooner I eat them the sooner I will not have to deal with them anymore. 
2.  I am also dealing with lots of regular food that is not healthy.  Leftover ham (you know how much I love ham), chips of every variety, Chex Mix, and an assortment of nuts.  I justify eating this food by saying that it's healthier than eating all the food in #1.  Pretzels and Chex cereal are almost fruits and vegetables, right?
3.  I am dealing with wanting to drink lots of beer.  Partly because it's "vacation" and partly because the Wii has been running 24/7 since Santa brought it.
4.  Speaking of the Wii - I am dealing with it.  I am not a gamer, the music is annoying (but addicting), and I am not a gamer.
5.  I am dealing with the inability to exercise effectively.  This is largely (no pun intended) due to the fact that I have gained about 10 pounds and can no longer support the weight of my body.

So, in a nutshell (Which reminds me I am also tempted by a variety of nuts??? DID I SAY THAT???), if you find my willpower wandering around - SEND IT BACK.  I NEED it.  Please and thank you!

It's Not New Year's, but I'm Ready for a Resolution

So, I am not quite sure why, but I feel like some resolutions.  August 25th?  Could be I'm ready for the New Year?  Don't know.  Don't care.  Here are my August 25th Resolutions (don't worry - there aren't many):

1.  Throw some useless crap away daily.  Or at least ask hubby's permission to do so.  It's HARD living in just under 2000 square feet (and no, that's not a typo) with six people who are growing daily (not me - hopefully - my kids). 
2.  To SLOWLY make my house cozier and to like my areas more daily.  I HATE to decorate and I suck at it.  But, I am learning and I can make small adjustments on my own.
3.  To read something great everyday.
4.  Learn to make more yummy drinks (not just alcoholic - but those, too).
5.  Do more with photos.

Okay, that's it.  How did I measure up today? 

• Hung a papercutting done by my very talented sister about 2 years ago in my niche and made my niche look how I have wanted it to look for years.  I took a photo of it to show you, but I can't download it to my new Toshiba.  Damn.  Will try to fix that later (after I shower - which incidentally was added to my list for today - thank me later ;o).
• Made a stack of about 10 periodicals for hubby to recycle or MOVE out of my space.
• Started The Reader by Bernhard Schlink and read some of my favorite blogs www.jpmeehan.blogspot.com/ (I have many, many more but I am on a schedule damnit).
• Made a great pot of tea with my new favorite tea maker from IKEA http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/90150071.  One Decaf tea bag (any brand will do), two raspberry Celestial Seasoning bags, and a dash of ginger.  Pour very hot water in the pot and brew for five minutes.  Serve immediately over lots of ice.  Oh, yummy.

 Wish me luck and hope you are surviving the new school year!

You Might Want To Try This...

I bring you this blog post as a public service announcement.  As the day has gone on (and on, and on - after all I did partake a little last night, and I have four children two of whom made it until midnight, and I am dead dog tired) I have decided that regarding New Year's Resolutions people basically fall into two camps.  Those who are gun ho (huh?) and those who absolutely abhor resolutions.  Making resolutions almost carries the same stigma as stepping in dog doo for this second camp.  And before continuing I will say - I fall into neither of these camps (once again I am an outlier and although I have made a few resolutions I have also tried to adhere closely to the principles set forth below - see http://girlonapage.wordpress.com/.)

For the people who are gun ho (gung ho?  gun hoe?) I say, "Carry on.  We all love your enthusiasm (you can say that part with a tad of sarcasm in your voice)."  And to the other camp, I say, "You Might Want To Try This..."

And I resort to what I do best - A LIST!!!  Yippee and Happy First List of the New Year!

1.  Set your sights LOWER.  Instead of resolving to do your part to create world peace, resolve to shower before noon.
2.  Make your list SHORT.  The proverbial ten resolutions may be too much for you.  Step back and pick five, or three that you can easily accomplish - by December of 2011.  Gradually add more as you progress through the year, or not - just sit fat and happy in June when you are done and those enthusiastic people referred to above are still muddling through #23 (because they are over achievers and ALWAYS have more than 10 resolutions).
3.  Be specific and concentrate on what you are already doing well.  For example, if you are a couch potato you probably don't want to resolve to do the age old, "exercise more."  Blah, and phooey.  Who wants that?  Instead, consider resolving to be active once a day (and that fits in nicely with #1 - shower and consider yourself accomplished!). 
4.  Mention a lot of other people who live with you in your resolutions.  Not only does this let YOU off the hook, but the other people you live with will appreciate it too!  For example, instead of "Lose 10 pounds," you could resolve to help your hubby lose 10 pounds.  Monitor his diet carefully and insist that by doing this you are accomplishing YOUR resolutions.  Everyone's a winner and he'll thank you later.  ;o)  (You can do the same thing with your kids, too.)
5.  In keeping with #2 I am going to end now so that you can be on your way making your resolutions and KEEPING them! 

Happy New Year, friends.  Once again, you can also find me at http://girlonapage.wordpress.com/ where I'll be hanging out once in a while in 2011.