Breaking Badly

Where did April go?  I slept a few times, drank a beer and it was May.  Now May's almost gone. 

And to make matters worse, I thought I had one more week this month.  This explains a lot.

So, here it is.

1.  My Breaking Bad withdrawal lasted about one week.  I'm over it now.  Thanks for the cards.  What do I have to show for the million hours of my life spent on Netflix?  Just this.  Once I want to end a sentence with, "BITCHES."  Examples: 

• Make your beds, BITCHES.
• Dinner, BITCHES.
• I ain't cookin' tonight, BITCHES.
• Laundry is done, BITCHES.
• Yo, I'm not the maid, BITCHES.

2.  We are almost there and by that I mean my kids have turned into monkeys.  Straight from the Bronx zoo.  Serius.  They are ca-razy town.  Hubby and I lost our minds the other night and made them be respectful and clean up after themselves.  The audacity, right?  Cheesus.  Can I sell them to the circus for the next two weeks?

3.  My secret pal this semester gave me a lot of chocolate.  Here's what I discovered.  Ghiradelli Sea Salt Soiree.  (Is 'soiree' French because it just sounds naughty.  But, it's not.  It's an "evening party or social gathering."  Well.........Sea Salt Evening Party or Social Gathering?  Really, Ghiradelli?)  Today the monkeys were screaming at each other and it was just awful.  I wanted to go all Mommy Dearest on them, so I slipped into the pantry and broke open a package of these lovelies.  I ate about five squares.  Even though the name is fooked up, Get Some, you guys.  You can email me if you are not satisfied and I'll refund the time you took to read this post. 

4.  Forget Wife Swap.  Let's do Sister Wives.  I need help with the laundry.

5.  If there was an Academy Award for Procrastination I'd win it.   

6.  Remember the Do Not Call List and how it was supposed to save us from ourselves?  What the hell?  I think it's working worse than Nancy Reagan's Just Say No.  As far as I know, I am ON THE LIST and yet some gal keeps calling me (at dinner) telling me I won a 10 day cruise for me and my family.  Obviously, she has never met my family.

7.  A few months back I bought a Vitamix.  When you buy a Vitamix the first thing you have to do is refinance your house.  The second thing you have to do is read through the little recipe book and see that basically you can make anything in the Vitamix.  Like if you lose all your teeth you can make ribeye, baked potatoes, rolls, and a salad in the Vitamix.  But, if you still have your teeth, do you really want that?  Anyway.  I was looking for a margarita recipe and one of the kids said, "Look mom.  You could make peanut butter.  Is that what the pioneers did?"  It's an odd moment when you have to explain to your kid that no, the pioneers did not make peanut butter with a Vitamix. 

8.  Do you ever just want to let your kids watch all the shows to teach them a lesson?  For example, wouldn't Breaking Bad work a hell of a lot better than Just Say No?  Really?  I'd be all, "Drugs will ruin your life, guys.  I'm Serious.  Now, get some popcorn and let's watch another episode of Breaking Bad."

9.  We changed our phone service.  Now, you'd think this would be an easy process, right?  Not like rocket science or anything.  Wrong.  It is just like rocket science.  Or really just like this show I heard on Science Friday the other day when they were interviewing a scientist of Quantum Physics and he was talking about passing from different states of matter and was it possible to teleport and did your molecular composition change and could the original theories "we" had about this phenomena be incorrect.............and he was serious.  That's what it's like to change your phone service. 

Hubby handled it all because I can't talk to phone people without wanting to rush out and do meth or at least sell it.  Here's how the conversation went down:

Hubby:  I'd like to cancel my phone service.

Phone service:  Ok.  Let me connect you to someone who can help you.

Music from the 80's (that hubby actually liked and was singing along to)

Phone service:  Yes, can I get your number?

Hubby:  xxx-xxx-xxxx

Phone service:  Yes, and what can we help you with?

Hubby:  I'd like to cancel my phone service.

Phone service:  Oh no.  I'm sorry to hear that.  Are you moving?

Hubby:  No, I'm actually dissatisfied.

Phone service:  Oh no.  I'm sorry to hear that.  We don't actually handle people who are dissatisfied.  That's actually a different branch.  Let me connect you to someone who can help you.

Music from the 80's.

Phone service:  Yes, can I get your number?

Hubby:  xxx-xxx-xxxx

Phone service: Yes, and what can we help you with?

Hubby:  I'd like to cancel my phone service.

Phone service:  Oh no.  I'm sorry to hear that.  Are you dissatisfied?

Hubby:  Yes.

Phone service:  Oh no!  What are you dissatisfied with?

Cheesus.

Two weeks later:  We get a bill for everything we were told that day we would no longer have to pay for because of our dissatisfaction.  I Can't Get No Satisfaction, y'all.  Cue the f*cking music.

Don't be a stranger! 

(Because kids think it's creepy.)

How to Survive the Second to the Last Month of School

1.  Invest in a quality set of ear plugs.  These will be helpful for handling the increased decibel level of sibling rivalry, the incessant chatter from young children, the high decibel level of homework complaints, and the torturous wails of children who are being asked to perform a chore or necessary task.

2.  Buy a good quantity of matches to light a fire under your kids' arses.  Instead of becoming more proficient at something your kids have been doing for approximately 135 days (that is:  getting up, getting dressed, eating breakfast, getting their lunches together, brushing their teeth, combing their hair, and making it out to the bus in the nick of time), sometime during the second to the last month of school they will oddly regress to the stage of toddlerhood where everything must be repeated 8000 times and they move as if they have Aunt Jemima syrup running in their veins.

3.  Stock up on carbs, adult beverages, greasy and/or salty food, and chocolate and/or other sweets.  This is kind of a paradox because although you have approximately 30 days until someone might possibly have to see you in a bathing suit and way less than 30 days to actually go to a store and try on bathing suits (with bad lighting and pasty skin) and therefore you should really be trying everything to lose the 10 pounds of winter weight you have gained, the stress of the second to the last month of school is going to make you want to shovel in every morsel of not-good-for-you food that you can possibly get a hold of.

4.  Carefully launder and neatly pack away all of your kids' winter clothes items and launder all of the blankets and other linens that you are not going to need for six and a half months.  And then just pack them all away dirty and unorganized again after dragging them all back out because Mother Nature decides to leave you with just one more cold snap.

5.  Plan and pay for your summer vacation so that you can use the following threat against your kids each and every time they misbehave or act as if they are about to misbehave from now until your summer vacation:  IF YOU DON'T STOP DOING THAT (or IF YOU DO THAT ONE MORE TIME, or IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING THAT) YOU ARE GOING TO STAY HOME ALONE WHILE WE ARE ALL ON THE WHITE SANDS BEACHES OF TAHITI.  (I use that only as an example.  If we were actually going to Tahiti on vacation this would be an alternate universe.)

6.  Begin to scope out every Vacation Bible School in the city so that you can register your kids for each and every one.  In this way your kids can be well-rounded Christians.  (I don't actually do that because once my kids attend the only VBS they have ever attended I am pretty sure that VBS puts out an APB on my kids along with their photos so that every other VBS in the city is on alert for them and is ready to put out the "full" sign should I come along with my application.)

7.  Begin to make a list of all the things that you are going to get done once school lets out for the summer.  Gradually cross things off the list because as reality sinks in they are way too difficult to achieve with kids in the home.  Add all those things to your current daily lists and stare at that until you become too overwhelmed to move.  Eat or drink some of the food or beverages referred to in #3.

8.  Spend a good eight hours painstakingly making a summer budget wherein you assess what your home needs in terms of a "face lift", research how much these items might cost, and who might do these repairs for you.  Then, patiently pay for the following things that break before you can even cash your quickly disappearing tax refund check:  the air conditioner, the water heater, the dog, the hair dryer, the printer, and the tub.

9.  Change your calendar to May even though it's still April.  (And if it was still on February - consider that a bonus.)  April is going to slide by in a blur of school events, end of year shenanigans, empty beer cans (that you can't really remember drinking), birthday parties (damn the August heat - or something -  that apparently led to 90% of my kids' friends being born in April), piles of work (some of it the result of March's procrastination), summer vacation planning, budgeting, and worthless attempts at fitness in order to fit into a bathing suit.  Most of the $hit that happens in April will not even make it on your calendar.  Trust me on this one.

10.  Remember - if all else fails, you can always homeschool next year!  (That almost always gets me into the right frame of mind to make it through the day!)

Open Letter to My Blog (No, I don't want a divorce.)

Dear Blog,

I love you.  I really do.  I thought I would send you a quick post to apologize for neglecting you these past few weeks.  I was truly not trying to lead you on those many times that I clicked on you with the intention of "logging in" and writing a quick yet hilarious, up-beat post and then quickly had to log off in order to:  A.  Run into the bathroom to wipe a three year old butt, B.  Answer the house phone and cell phone at the same time only to find out a politician was calling on one line and my hubby was calling on the other line - - to ask me where his cell phone was, or sometimes to C.  Supervise piano practices when the competition is days away and WE STILL HAVE NOT MEMORIZED OUR PIECES (and by "we" I mean "my THREE KIDS").

No, it is not that I want to break up with you or that I want to write other blogs.  It is not even that our relationship has become dull and that maybe we need to change our layout or edit our favicon.  I am perfectly happy with you and the way you look (don't change for me!). 

In fact, I love the way you blink at me when I bring up my home page.  I love the way I click on you and then I scroll down and you let me know which of my blogging friends has posted.  I love the way you don't get pissed when I read all my friends' posts and then abruptly leave you before I have even logged in and updated you.  I love the way you keep coming back even after I abandon you on the screen for hours at a time hoping that I can come back to you while you gaze (lovingly?) at me paying bills, hauling loads of laundry, furiously cooking up a meal two minutes before I need to serve it, tediously slaving away on a Business Plan, even opening another page in order to research $hit for the Business Plan (Oh, the betrayal.  I know.)  Please know that I would soooo rather be with you.

The simple explanation for my behavior is that the people I am seeing and the things I am doing are eating up all the time I used to have for you.  Even though the Business Plan is stuffy, inflexible, incredibly boring, and just plain tedious, I have to do it.  Even though the hubby is disorganized and grumpy, I have to talk to him and I love him, too (you knew that when you and I entered into this relationship, right?).  Even though the kids are whiny and outrageous, I have to tend to them.  Even though the laundry is smelly and distasteful, I have to do it.  And, we all know - the food does not cook itself (for the eight hundredth time).  Groan.

I guess what I am trying to say is, "I can't quit you, A Day in the Life!"  We are meant for each other.  You are Romeo and I am Juliet (except we don't die at the end and we speak plain English - well, most of the time).  Please, just give me one more chance and I promise I will make it up to you.  I beg you to keep "updating me" on my favorite blogs, keep showing your sweet ads, keep blinking at me from my home page because I need that.  It will make a difference, I promise.  I will find time for you.  WE CAN MAKE IT WORK!

I will end by saying, I love you with all my fingers.  I am ready to crank out the posts (starting tomorrow) (and I bought you a new mouse!).  You have my heart (and the good side of my brain)!

Sincerely (and xoxo),

Your Writer

P.S.  Do you think we need counseling?  No.  Me neither.  Pretend I didn't mention it!

Apparently I am speaking a language no one else speaks.

It's Monday, I'm in a post-Christmasy-pre-summer funk (yes, I realize we are four months out from Christmas, so it may be a post-Easter funk) so this is going to be a short hodge-podgy type post.  I'll make it up to you when I am in better spirits.

In case you missed it:

1.  I no longer speak English, apparently.  Or, my kids all suddenly need hearing aids.  My kids have taken to not listening to a word I say.  Really?  Why do we have school after Spring Break?  I am miserable.  They are miserable.  We've missed the morning bus 9 out of the past 10 school days. 

It's just a sad case of I Want School To Be Over And It's Not.  I am not motivated at all to supervise homework.  And, you can imagine how enthusiastic the kids are about doing it.  Behavior has gone straight out the window (mine and theirs).  This morning lying in bed I actually thought, "How bad would it be to not take them to school today?" 

If you are Super Nanny, by all means feel free to give me some advice.  Lord knows I am not, nor will I ever be, in the running for Mother of The Year.  An outsider looking in *might* say, "That woman has lost all discipline in her household.  Send help."

2.  I am slowly forgiving Netflix.  Hubby and I recently watched Winter's Bone and True Grit - two movies I've wanted to see since they came out.  I loved both of them. 

True Grit.  Wow.  If you love the Coen brothers and Jeff Bridges, you are going to love this movie.  If you are not into that - skip it.  You won't like it or understand it.  Amazing acting and cinematography.  The Coen brothers have their usual way with dialogue and stark realities.  Jeff Bridges plays a drunk with all the nuances that he usually has when playing his characters. 

Winter's Bone.  I loved it, but I understand that it is not a movie for everyone.  It's about a girl who goes looking for her meth-cooking dad in order to try to make him appear for his court date.  It was kind of like Deliverance meets Trainspotting.  I liked the "mystery", the no-sugar-coating depiction of this kind of hard life, and the excellent acting.  The ending wasn't too bad, either.

3.  I said I was slowly forgiving Netflix.  Here's my continuing beef.  Can we have some decent movies for kids?  Please?  Sheesh.  I've watched some doozies in the past few weeks and I am sad to say that I don't even remember their names.  The Spy Who Ate My Mother?  The Spy Next Week?  Everyone Is A Freakin' Spy?  My Mom Hates Spy Movies?  Seriously? 

Why can't there be more of this:  Shaun the Sheep,  Gnomeo and Juliet, Penguins of Madagascar?  Because I love that $hit.  Please, save me and if you know a great kid movie (ages 7-10, that doesn't have bad words, excessive violence, drug use, or spies) send it my way.  Before I am forced to stab my eyes out with sharp sticks while watching a spy.

4.  Cathe might not be an actual real person with real muscles that ache.  I mean I knew she was strong and all after doing Drill Max for one year.  Now, I think she might be a robot.  This woman can balance her body on her hands and then extend her legs out forward.  Yeah.  She is  a contortionist with muscles bigger than most men. 

It turns out Yoga and Pilates are like a form of torture and (I realize these two points are totally unrelated) I might be the only person in the world who can actually gain weight in my ABS while doing an Ab Circuit.  YEESH.  The DVD makes me eat.  It's true.  I thought I would be getting back with you with all the pounds and inches I'd lost.  Sadly, I am just here to tell you that my stomach might actually be bigger and I am ravenous all the time.

5.  Like I said, I've been in a serious funk lately.  If I don't post for a while - that's why.  Luckily I have the internets to make me laugh.  This little gem brought me huge snorts last week when I was feeling blue.  It came from a blog I enjoy a lot and have stalked for a while.  Thanks, Average in Suburbia!  It is NOT for the easily offended.  But, then again, if you are The Easily Offended, you may be in the wrong place.

Have a happy week!

               

Turn your calendar. Summer's here.

It's SUMMER!  Can you believe it?  Summer always comes with mixed emotions for me.  The good:  no more lunches to pack, no more schedule to follow, no more homework to help with, no more bedtime to adhere to, no more teachers to explain to.  The bad:  my kids are aging before my eyes.  The ugly:  Me having my midlife crisis and crying in random places that are embarrassing to my four kids and my four kids whining about me crying in weird places.  So, I know that's kind of disjointed, but that's why you haven't heard from me in a while.  Basically, I've been happy/sad that my kids are successfully growing up and passing to the next grade.  (I didn't say I was rationale.)

I desperately want to be happy about summer because I love summer, but I feel a tugging at my heart (or it could just be that midlife crisis thing) knowing that we don't have that much time left.  Nuts, huh?  The kids are in elementary for heaven's sake.  I know.  Even as I type it (or think it for that matter) it seems crazy.  But it's how I feel.  I look at them and I can barely remember when the older three were 3, 2, and 1.  And, sadly I don't really want to remember much from those days. 

Looking back it seems that I spent much of that time wishing they were older and could do more for themselves because...I was flat-out exhausted.  Now, I spend a lot of time being amazed (and just a little sad) about how much they don't need me anymore. 

The retrospection has been mostly good.  I try to spend more time now enjoying the moments rather than wishing for the future.  I am excited for this summer.  I am excited to have more time with them (and, yes, you can quote me on that later - like tomorrow - when I am ready to ship them all to summer school).  Happy dog days!