If you've seen my willpower, please send it home.

Here we are in that wayward time between Christmas and New Year's Eve when everyone is trying to: 1.  Clean the house (or, in my case, figure out how long you can go without cleaning the house before people get tired of stepping in goo, moving boxes around to eat, or wearing semi-clean underwear), 2.  Lose weight (just so you can eat without guilt in four more days), 3.  Figure out new electronics (in our case that would be a Wii - I know, not new, but new to us), 4.  Return Christmas presents you didn't really want and replace them with more crap stuff you don't really want do want, and 5.  Really just hang on psychologically until New Year's Day when you can let loose, be justified with all the looming resolutions you need to crank out on, and look forward to returning back to "normal." 

Well, I just wanted to check in with you during this sensitive time and let you know what I am dealing with (because, in the end, it's all about me).

1.  I am dealing with resisting tons and tons of sweets and chocolate.  I *might* be addicted to sweets and I *might* need an intervention and 12 step program.  Seriously.  I cannot resist all this sugar.  I am powerless against it.  Here is what stares back at me when I look in my kitchen (warning:  this list is a little obscene):  chocolate covered pretzels, an assortment of chocolate treats from a Hershey's bag, pecan sugar cookies, Christmas sugar cookies, fudge, cookies from the sweet neighbors delivered last night (because we didn't have enough), turtle pie (which is a little like heaven), Lindor chocolates, and some little green and red M&M's that are very handy and melt in your mouth not in your hands.  I have often justified eating all of these sweets by saying to myself that the sooner I eat them the sooner I will not have to deal with them anymore. 
2.  I am also dealing with lots of regular food that is not healthy.  Leftover ham (you know how much I love ham), chips of every variety, Chex Mix, and an assortment of nuts.  I justify eating this food by saying that it's healthier than eating all the food in #1.  Pretzels and Chex cereal are almost fruits and vegetables, right?
3.  I am dealing with wanting to drink lots of beer.  Partly because it's "vacation" and partly because the Wii has been running 24/7 since Santa brought it.
4.  Speaking of the Wii - I am dealing with it.  I am not a gamer, the music is annoying (but addicting), and I am not a gamer.
5.  I am dealing with the inability to exercise effectively.  This is largely (no pun intended) due to the fact that I have gained about 10 pounds and can no longer support the weight of my body.

So, in a nutshell (Which reminds me I am also tempted by a variety of nuts??? DID I SAY THAT???), if you find my willpower wandering around - SEND IT BACK.  I NEED it.  Please and thank you!

It's all downhill from here, baby.

So, it's that really awkward time between Thanksgiving and December 1.  That in-between time is like a rebound man.  You don't really want to make a commitment to anything, and yet you want to try something new, fun, and exciting.  And, it's Cyber Monday so in a way I am compelled to be "on" the computer 24/7 to see what deals I might be missing and I am kinda wanting to try something new and exciting out on you (don't worry - I'll be gentle).  Since these are strange days (we have exactly two more to get through until December 1 when we can officially begin waiting for Santa or Jesus - or both), I thought I would give you a totally random list of possibly Novemberish/Decemberish items - because that's how I roll.

Totally Random List of Crap You Don't Care About Fascinating Things You Didn't Know You Cared About

1.  I gained about 200 pounds over the Thanksgiving holiday (and that is just an estimate - it could be more).  Jillian is now going to own me.  As in, "I will be her bee-atch."  Worry about me.  THIS did NOT keep me from buying the industrial size ("makes SIX batches") Ghirardelli Dark Chocolate Brownie Mix at Costco today.  I quickly justified it by saying it was less than $2.00/batch.  WHAT A STEAL!!!  Call me crazy.  I am ensuring resolutions come January 1.
2.  I keep waiting for the three year old to turn into a sweet, loving child.  Apparently this is not going to happen.  Over the holiday this fact *may have* hit me front and center.  I'm looking into a refund.
3.  I believe Black Friday is a conspiracy wherein retailers incrementally raise prices all year long so that no one really notices only to lower them BACK down to where they originally were on Black Friday and THEN they sell that to you as an "awesome deal."  It should be called Screw the Consumer.  I *may* tell myself this in order to make myself feel better when reading status updates about how many deals people are finding while I am sitting at home drinking hot coffee in my pajamas nursing a hangover.
4.  We set up the tree, decorated the yard (if you can call three reindeer with lights laying beside them "decorating the yard"), decorated the house, and basically rang in Christmas with little to no family dysfunction.  I am still waiting for the "other shoe to drop."  On my head.
5.  I do not understand the fascination with Twilight.  Although I did discover s'more martinis on someones Twilight status update and that discovery might have redeemed all the disgustingly gratuitous Twilight status updates.
6.  I am once again tempted to tell my kids that I Am Santa. 
7.  You can't find Jesus at the mall and take pictures with him.  This is actually one that Girl 2 said to me the other day.  To which I replied, "You are right.  I don't think you can."  I've been thinking about it ever since.  Possibly because I am now picturing a person dressed as Jesus sitting at the mall and a long line of kids waiting to have their pictures taken with him.  With Him.  Him?  See?  It'll make you think now, too.
8.  I still send Christmas cards (if you don't get one remember that my blog is mostly true).  Last year I received from others the least amount of cards on record (I even had to count the one from my dentist - who still sends a card).  Either I am getting less and less popular or people are not sending cards as much anymore.  I'm really hoping it's the second one.
9.  I will be wearing a 70's dress I purchased at Goodwill to hubby's Christmas party this year.  It's okay.  Don't worry.  Remember I said I was thankful for peeps that have good taste because I don't?  Well, one of those peeps approved it.  When I was shopping at Goodwill I was under the assumption the party theme was "70's."  Why else would I be at Goodwill buying a 70's dress???  (Wait.  On second thought - don't answer that.)  After I purchased the dress, hubby told me they decided to not go with a theme.  At first I said, "Damn."  Now, I am pee pants excited to be wearing a Goodwill dress to a posh hotel.  Weird.  I know.
10.  It may be time to finish my kids' stockings.  I am not crafty.  In fact, I like to call myself the anti-Craft.  Kind of like the anti-Christ, but less scary.  I not only am not good at crafts, I hate them.  When I fancied myself crafty (about 20 years ago) I started some Christmas stockings for "some kids."  Weird again.  I know.  I don't know if I was thinking of someday having kids or I was just thinking of orphans.  At any rate, these are the stockings my kids have now and they are in various stages of "done."  Every year the kids say, "When are you going to finish these, mom?"  Every year I say, "Beats the hell out of me.  Probably never."  This may be the year.  Then again, it may not.

That's my list, sweet readers.  Try to survive this murky time and I hope to see you on the Other Side on December 1.  Peace (and good tidings, if you must).

A turtle. You know? The cute and cuddly kind.

So, I am not a pet lover.  If this is an unfavorable trait, I blame my mother.  She was not a pet lover and I think I inherited this distaste from her.  In my lifetime, I have loved two pets and they are now dead.  One was an incredibly dumb/smart golden retriever named, Maverick who we had nearly from birth and the other was a demon possessed cat named Quentin who came to us because we needed to learn a lesson.  This post is not about them, but just for the sake of background...

Maverick was a golden retriever.  What else can I say?  They beg you to love them and really you are rendered defenseless and often find yourself doing ridiculous things like crying on their "shoulder," feeding them scraps of bacon from your breakfast plate, popping popcorn just for the "two of you," and laughing saying it's "cute" when they eat the just barbecued chicken you have been waiting for hours to eat.

Quentin.  What can I say?  He was an awful, evil, hateful, fat cat that I loved from the night he spent outside our bedroom window meowing louder than any cat should ever be capable of doing begging us to feed him and give him a home.  He bit neighbors, my mother-in-law, small children, and anyone else who was irritating him or just breathing.  He often bit me.  When I was feeding him.

Another side note (because I am in a rambling kind of mood today):  I hate it when people discover that I like some dogs better than some cats and say in that gushing and condescending way some pet lovers have, "Oh, so you're a dog lover?"  I desperately want to say, "No.  I am a pet hater.  I do not discriminate."  But, in this world that often seems worse than admitting to spanking your kids in anger.  NOT saying I have done that.

September 2011 - All of my kids (including that pestery three year old) want a pet.  Damn them.  My excuses are wearing thin and their whinyness about it is wearing me out.  There is something to be said about persistence (ask hubby).  So....get ready for the Bonus Parenting Tip for this post......when your kids ask for a dog - Say "no," but instead promise a TURTLE.

Yeah.  Now, I am second guessing myself.  What the heck?  A turtle?  I sort of promised Girl 1(and maybe the other three) a turtle for Christmas.  And, shhhhh, because I haven't told hubby.  Now, I am realizing this was totally wrong, but I am afraid we are too deep into the insanity to backtrack easily.  Here is a recap of how the backsliding went:

Some random child of mine:  Can we have a dog?
Me:  No.
SRCM:  Can we have a cat?
Me:  No.
SRCM:  Can we have a gerbil?
Me:  No.
SRCM:  Can we have a mink?
Me:  Hell to the no.
SRCM:  WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
Me:  (Insert any answer you want here.)  Because they require responsibility.  Because they require money.  Because they poop.  Because they stink.  Because they pee.  Because we go on vacation and can hardly afford that.  Because mommy hates pets.  Because we might develop allergies.
SRCM:  Can we have any pet with fur?
Me:  No.
SRCM:  Can we have fish?
(This is another blog post.  I had fish as a child and they all committed suicide.)
Me:  Um, no.
SRCM:  How about a turtle?
Me:  Hmm.

The kids heard the weakness and pounced.

So, now Santa MIGHT be bringing a turtle.  I don't want to totally alienate you dear readers, so I will not expound on how much I hate Santa right now.  Just use your imagination.

SRCM:  So, what kind of turtle?  A tortoise?  Is that legal?  Will we be kicked out of our neighborhood?
Me:  NO, NOT A TORTOISE.  WHAT ARE YOU KIDS?  NUTS???  TORTOISES AREN'T EVEN REAL.  THEY ONLY LIVE AT ZOOS.
SRCM:  So, what kind of turtle, mom????
Me:  YOU KNOW.  A CUTE CUDDLY TURTLE.

Pray for me.  It's getting deep in here.

P.S. - Santa might ruin your life.

So, let me just say:

1.  It was brought to my attention yesterday that I have a pastor for a reader (Thank you, pastor for reading my blog.  I am honored and was just wondering - while you are reading my blog - could you put in a good word for me with The Big Man?).
2.  After my post yesterday I felt compelled to tell you that I love my children dearly (and not just because they give me 99.9% of my blog material.)
3.  There are so many post scripts to yesterday's post about big boobs and being NOT Jewish that I may have a new chapter for my book.  Aren't you glad you stumbled over to your laptop and pulled up my blog?  Because you are going to get it first (I know, I am too generous.)

P.S. Santa Might Ruin Your Life

The conversation that follows occurred after a deep conversation about the reality of Santa.  Now, I am one of those joy-sucking parents who wish that my kids would just stop believing in Santa and get it the hell over with.  (I am sure you are surprised.)  Keeping up the Santa rouse for me is frankly exhausting.  My nine year old Boy still firmly believes in Santa, his eight flying reindeer, and I think, the Abominable snowman.  Girl 1 stopped fully believing in Santa a long time ago.  There are just too many unresolved issues for her (and I quote): 

• Mom, reindeer can't fly.
• We don't have a chimney and we always keep our doors locked.  Are you telling me Santa has a key to every one's house?  Is he like a burglar that gives?
• Where does he shop?
• Are elves dwarfs?  Real live dwarfs?  Are they the Oompa Loompas???  I just don't believe that.  Where did they come from? 

So, back to the conversation that ensued:

Girl 1 - Momma, I just had a horrifying thought.

Me (seriously afraid to ask) - Oh.  What baby?

Girl 1 - What if you get married, have kids, and you and your husband or wife really still believe in Santa.  So, since you believe in Santa you don't buy any of your kids any presents because you are sure Santa will take care of them.  And your kids believe in Santa.  But, then THERE IS NO SANTA.  So, on Christmas morning your kids wake up and they don't have any presents??????

Now, this was one of those times that I had so many things I wanted to say that I was rendered speechless.  Here are some of the things that were going through my head:  There are kids that don't ever get any Christmas presents and you know what - that's horrifying.  Santa is NOT real.  It's all momma and daddy, so that's also horrifying.  If two people have kids and those two people STILL BELIEVE IN SANTA - that is not only horrifying, but we got more problems than those kids not getting any presents.  No worries.  I didn't say any of that.  Instead I said:

Wow.  Then those parents would be in a tight spot, huh?  Now let's turn off the light and go to bed!

Girl 1 - So, mom - IS SANTA REAL OR IS IT JUST YOU AND DAD???

Me - Well, baby I will say what I say every time you ask me:  Do you believe in Santa?

Now, this answer is entirely unsatisfying for me.  I just hate it, but frankly I can't think of a better one and I am too tired to think anymore about it. 

Girl 1 - So, is Jesus real?  C'mon just tell us.

Say what?  How did Jesus get dragged into this?  I'm sorry, dude!  Now, what ensued is just too detailed and sketchy (due to my lack of actual knowledge) to relate here.  So, I will summarize what I said.  (What I think I said - again, my lack of actual knowledge sometimes confuses the details.):

• Jesus lived.  Then he died.  Then we and certain other people (called Christians) believe he rose from the dead and was the son of God.
• Santa lives in your heart if you believe in him.
• He also maintains a residence at the North Pole.  I think.
• Jerusalem is a real place.
• Jesus doesn't live in Jerusalem anymore.  Remember he died and then rose and now he lives in your heart?
• Jesus gets along with Santa and there is room in your heart for both of them.
• I don't actually know any reindeer that can fly.
• We kind of have Jesus' playbook.  It's called the bible.  I don't know of any playbook for Santa.
• Santa did not write the bible.  Neither did Jesus.
• Not all stories in the bible are real nor should we take them all as real events that actually happened.
• I am not sure what Jewish people think of Santa. 
• I am pretty sure Jews like Hanukkah.
• I am pretty sure Jonah and the Whale is not one of the more true stories in the bible.

That's all I got, friends.  I pray we have closed the book on Santa and boobs for a while.  And, I am going to try and keep Jesus safe.  Peace.