Thursday, September 29, 2011

A turtle. You know? The cute and cuddly kind.

So, I am not a pet lover.  If this is an unfavorable trait, I blame my mother.  She was not a pet lover and I think I inherited this distaste from her.  In my lifetime, I have loved two pets and they are now dead.  One was an incredibly dumb/smart golden retriever named, Maverick who we had nearly from birth and the other was a demon possessed cat named Quentin who came to us because we needed to learn a lesson.  This post is not about them, but just for the sake of background...

Maverick was a golden retriever.  What else can I say?  They beg you to love them and really you are rendered defenseless and often find yourself doing ridiculous things like crying on their "shoulder," feeding them scraps of bacon from your breakfast plate, popping popcorn just for the "two of you," and laughing saying it's "cute" when they eat the just barbecued chicken you have been waiting for hours to eat.

Quentin.  What can I say?  He was an awful, evil, hateful, fat cat that I loved from the night he spent outside our bedroom window meowing louder than any cat should ever be capable of doing begging us to feed him and give him a home.  He bit neighbors, my mother-in-law, small children, and anyone else who was irritating him or just breathing.  He often bit me.  When I was feeding him.

Another side note (because I am in a rambling kind of mood today):  I hate it when people discover that I like some dogs better than some cats and say in that gushing and condescending way some pet lovers have, "Oh, so you're a dog lover?"  I desperately want to say, "No.  I am a pet hater.  I do not discriminate."  But, in this world that often seems worse than admitting to spanking your kids in anger.  NOT saying I have done that.

September 2011 - All of my kids (including that pestery three year old) want a pet.  Damn them.  My excuses are wearing thin and their whinyness about it is wearing me out.  There is something to be said about persistence (ask hubby).  So....get ready for the Bonus Parenting Tip for this post......when your kids ask for a dog - Say "no," but instead promise a TURTLE.

Yeah.  Now, I am second guessing myself.  What the heck?  A turtle?  I sort of promised Girl 1(and maybe the other three) a turtle for Christmas.  And, shhhhh, because I haven't told hubby.  Now, I am realizing this was totally wrong, but I am afraid we are too deep into the insanity to backtrack easily.  Here is a recap of how the backsliding went:

Some random child of mine:  Can we have a dog?
Me:  No.
SRCM:  Can we have a cat?
Me:  No.
SRCM:  Can we have a gerbil?
Me:  No.
SRCM:  Can we have a mink?
Me:  Hell to the no.
SRCM:  WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
Me:  (Insert any answer you want here.)  Because they require responsibility.  Because they require money.  Because they poop.  Because they stink.  Because they pee.  Because we go on vacation and can hardly afford that.  Because mommy hates pets.  Because we might develop allergies.
SRCM:  Can we have any pet with fur?
Me:  No.
SRCM:  Can we have fish?
(This is another blog post.  I had fish as a child and they all committed suicide.)
Me:  Um, no.
SRCM:  How about a turtle?
Me:  Hmm.

The kids heard the weakness and pounced.

So, now Santa MIGHT be bringing a turtle.  I don't want to totally alienate you dear readers, so I will not expound on how much I hate Santa right now.  Just use your imagination.

SRCM:  So, what kind of turtle?  A tortoise?  Is that legal?  Will we be kicked out of our neighborhood?
Me:  NO, NOT A TORTOISE.  WHAT ARE YOU KIDS?  NUTS???  TORTOISES AREN'T EVEN REAL.  THEY ONLY LIVE AT ZOOS.
SRCM:  So, what kind of turtle, mom????
Me:  YOU KNOW.  A CUTE CUDDLY TURTLE.

Pray for me.  It's getting deep in here.

6 comments:

jamiew said...

FYI: my husband informed me that turtles carry salmonella. (is that spelled correct?)
and cats carry some disease that makes you nuts.
He often informs me that cute or interesting animals are harbingers of various diseases just to keep from wanting new pets. It works.

Shannon said...

I am SOOO reading this to C tomorrow, he is in bed right now, and he WILL be writing to set your kids straight. Tortoises make great pets. We have a tortoise. A Bell"s Hingeback Tortoise named Squirtle. He likes to eat strawberries, green beans, yellow flowers and snails, snails crunch BLECH! He likes to sit in C's lap and stick his head out really far so C can scratch the back of his neck. He really is cute.

And Jamie as all reptiles can carry salmonella I make them wash their hands after playing with the turtle or the snake. Just to make the hubs feel better.

Becky said...

This made me laugh out loud! I am kind of a pet hater too. I like animals but I have enough to do keeping things running/clean with the kids. They agreed no pets but I agreed that we would pet sit whenever needed.

Monica said...

well, when all was said and done - the jury is still out. we may or may not be in the market for a turtle. i am taking all of your sage advice into consideration, though. ;o) so happy i have such smart readers (no, that is not sarcasm you hear).

Hines-Sight said...

Hi

What a cute story. Popped over from Josee's blog who I found from Triangle Mom2Mom. Love to support fellow NC bloggers.

We no longer have a pet even though I loved my cat dearly, but we are happy to be pet free.

Monica said...

Thanks for the read - Hines-Sight. Used to live in Greensboro and have loved reading Josee's blog! So funny. Look forward to reading more of your posts. :o)

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