Monday, September 19, 2011

What? Where? And, remind me - WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

It's Monday.  So, since it's already a tough day, can we talk about aging for a minute?  It sucks.  I have decided to share a few tidbits from another list that I have been working on for about three years now.  I call it: 

Aging Sucks.  Don't Let Anyone Tell You Any Different

Side note:  It's baby's third birthday today.  Now, when I'm dead and baby (hopefully she will go by her given name by then) reads my blog lovingly over and over trying to remember what a witty and wise mom she had I do not want her to think that I was only thinking about myself on HER third birthday.  So, this is for you, baby, when you are old and known by your real name, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY!  I LOVE YOU AND I AM SO HAPPY YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE!"

Okay.  On with what I'm thinking about today.  If you are Where I Am let this be a refresher list for you.  If you are not Where I Am, let this be a warning.  If you are past Where I Am - God bless ya, be glad you are still alive, grab your bi-focals, and have a good laugh at how you used to be.  By the way - Where I Am is somewhere between 30 and 50........WITH A THREE YEAR OLD.

1.  At some point you will have to wear bi-focals.  Let me tell you why these are a raw deal.  First a short history in opthamology:  When you were born you had excellent vision.  You could see through walls.  As you aged you may have gone the route of glasses or contacts.  Or you may have been one of the lucky ones who skipped through Life Under 40 with nothing but your naked eyes.  BUT, you will know you are close to 40 or 40 because one day you will wake up and not be able to see the directions on the medicine you are either taking or dispensing.  It's a little disturbing at first.  You will go to the eye doctor and he will do an irritating test where he says, "Is it 1 or 2?  A or B?  C or D?  3 or 4?"  Until you think you have failed the SAT.  Then he will tell you, "You need bi-focals.  It happens when you get old."  This will make you want to say, "Thanks, eye doctor.  Now, go suck an egg."  At first your bi-focals will be fun and cute (like a new puppy).  But, then you will lose them, have to purchase like 10 pairs to keep all over, and you will forget what "prescription" you need when you are at the actual store where they SELL bifocals (You will stand before the racks of bifocals saying to yourself, "Is it negative 3 or 4, 4 or 5, 6 or 7????").  It's all terribly annoying.  AND, forget about texting.  Don't feel bad about not being able to read the text because there is no way you will be able to text back.  Squint and figure out who is texting and then pick up your home phone (Remember those?  You're gonna need one again.) and call them.  Hopefully they are a reader of this blog, so they will know what the hell is going on.

2.  Your hearing will gradually go.  At first this will be a grand excuse to ignore your kids, hubby, and friends (like when they are reminding you you owe them money).  But, then you will find you actually need your hearing and not having it can, frankly, be embarrassing.  Here are a few examples: 
  • The school (where your kids go) calls and tells you, "Blahblahwhooblah, blah is in the nurse's office.  It seems blahwhoohasoma."  You say, "WHO?  WHAT HAPPENED?"  The nurse patiently repeats what she said the first time and makes a note in your kid's file, "Mom is deaf."
  • You go through the bank drive through and ask for your balance.  The teller speaks through that tunnel that I think is connected to Australia and says, "Two thhunonefour."  You scream back, "EXCUSE ME???"  She patiently screams back at you and then everyone in the drive through line knows that you are overdrawn and have been for about two weeks.
  • You constantly tell friends, relatives (and sometimes strangers) that your cell phone is "breaking up," simply because you cannot hear a $%*# word they are saying.
3.  Around 40 it takes eight hours of exercise to equal one taco, donut, candy bar, or anything else you might desperately want to eat, but that is not on your Healthy Eating Diet.  Frankly, it's exhausting.  There is one up side to this.  Some days you will honestly be so tired and sore from working out that you will not be able to find the energy to lift a fork to your mouth.  You will be limited to only food (or liquid) that can be somehow taken directly into your mouth (like water - or beer - through a straw).  If this "no-hands diet" lasts more than one day you might lose weight.

4.  Menopause kicks in if you are a woman.  If you are a man reading my blog:  sorry, but if you know any women approaching 40 you might want to read #4 just by way of self preservation.  Now, let me just say menopause is a strange creature.  The more I know it, the more I want to say, "Remember when you were a teenager and your emotions could flip on a dime, you sometimes had this raging appetite (no funny business here) where you wanted to eat like a live horse, you sometimes slept until your mom woke you up and told you a week had passed, and you sometimes felt like the most minor of all occurrences could literally RUIN YOUR LIFE???????"  Well, that's menopause in a nutshell.  Add some extreme bloating, night sweats, migraines, and bad cramping and you've got it.  Does it sound like a church picnic on a beautiful sunny day?  No, I don't think so either.

5.  Your memory will fail you.  Now, I've never had a mind for details so my mind fails me in much broader ways.  For example (and take note - this is just an example it hasn't actually happened):  I would never forget my fourth born's date of birth because I never was able to remember that in the first place.  But, I might forget the fourth born.  It's shocking and embarrassing at first, but if you carry your phone (and your bifocals) around with you most of the time you can always try to remember to slip away and google what you need to know.

I have tried to hit the most important aspects of aging with this short list.  There are many more, but you will just have to muddle through those on your own.  After all you didn't get this far simply by reading my blog!  Now, lest I end this post all gloom and doom - take heart!  Remember you will be much wiser and able to laugh at the foolishness of young people.  Just know you will doing it with your glasses on, they will have to be loudly foolish and you will have to remember who the hell they are and why you give a flip.  At any rate - Happy Monday, my friends!  Enjoy your day, and remember this is your LAST DAY being exactly as old as you are!       


Shannon said...

I broke my bifocals last week and am wearing glasses that I bought in Jakarta about 4 years and at least as many prescriptions ago. Thank goodness my computer can enlarge the text a lot or I wouldn't be able to read your blog. I would exercise but my hip hurts so freaking bad walking hurts like a mother and I am practically OD-ing on motrin on a daily basis. Love you and miss you old lady.

Monica said...

hahahahahahahahaha!!! you got me laughing pretty good with that!