Thanksgiving Edition (in which I flip the bird)

(photo credit:  mattalltrades.blogspot.com.)  

It's like six days away from all of us sticking our hands up a bird's cavity at some ungodly hour in remembrance of Pilgrims and Indians Native Americans.  Is it safe to say you guys are all past this advice:  Buy the turkey, don't run into it?  Defrost the turkey?  Don't get salmonella?  Make sure the oven's on?

So, I decided since you guys clepped out of that drivel you might need some real tips to help take your Thanksgiving to the proverbial 'next level' (let's hope it's not the burning ring of hell level).

You're welcome.

Here we go.

1.  Read this.  It has nothing to do with Thanksgiving, but I'm thinking of making it my About Me page. 

2.  Thanksgiving is stressful, but it pales in comparison to the next 30 days.  So, instead of those name plates from paper you wove yourself, give everyone a shiny party blower and some fireworks.  It's kinda like the last day of summer (except you might not want to wear a bathing suit).

3.  And don't wear a costume either.  It confuses your guests.

4.  I'm an introvert (see #1).  But, damn it if like four of the five people in my inner circle have birthdays near Thanksgiving.  Sucks for them because they get Turkey Surprise! for their birthday dinner and their presents all come wrapped for Christmas.  Try to avoid making friends with these people.

5.  Don't eat turkey before Thanksgiving.  I recommend leaving approximately 364 days in between the times you eat turkey.

6.  Become a vegetarian and go gluten free right before Thanksgiving.  This will annoy the crap out of everyone you know thereby greatly relieving your stress.  You will have no family and friends left to dine with on the big day.

7.  When you cook the bird, flip it.  I did this completely by accident about 20 years ago.  It was my first turkey (I think I can tell you that, right?) and I had no idea what kind of protection to use, where to put my hands, what went in where, or which way was up.  Everyone raved at how smart I was because the breast? thigh? wing?  testicles? came out so juicy and moist because they were left to simmer in their own juices.  (I have no idea what I'm talking about, but it sounds like we're ready for #8.)

8.  Any mistake can be covered up with a "delicious gravy."  (This tip I actually stole from NPR.) 

This is what "delicious gravy" looks like.  I think you can find it on aisle 10.

Author's Note:  Turns out this isn't entirely true.  "Delicious gravy" does not remove gum from the dryer.

9.  Hubby knows a little rhyming joke about pumpkin pie (circa The Bible - or when he was in middle school).  As much as I cringe when I hear the joke I cannot get it out of my mind and it goes without saying that I cannot eat pumpkin pie.  Unless there is a lot of whip cream.  Or just whip cream.  Straight from the can into my mouth.  And a shot for my coffee.

(photo credit:  gumblestump.com)  That's about right.

10.  Alcohol.  If possible start drinking it right after your first pot of coffee (which will be at about 5 in the morning if you are cooking a 20 pound bird and want to eat while you are still upright).

11.  If you need a new foundation (or I would venture to say any home repair costing more than a grand), consider frying your turkey.

12.  If you have kids, you may need to brush up on Sqanto and the Wampanogs, so you can appropriately discuss this at the dinner table (you might want to follow that with The Trail of Tears just so that everyone is sufficiently depressed and so that there is an edge of reality to your history).  (Hint:  Wampanog is not a verb as in:  I'm gonna wampanog your a$$ if you don't make your bed.)

14.  Just in case there is not enough tryptophan in your turkey this year, I recommend crushing up sleeping pills in the stuffing.  This will ensure you can watch Not Football on TV.  

15.  This came from NPR, too:  When all else fails there is always The Google.  I've used this search before 'Restaurants open on Thanksgiving this year.'

Have a good one and I'll save you a piece of pie (or the whole pie).

My New Year's resolution for you is for you to make New Year's resolutions.

I'm not a huge fan of resolutions, but I make them every year.  I've had moderate success over the years, so that seems reason enough not to stop.

In order to achieve some level of success and be a reliable resolution setter, I've learned to:  1.  Set the bar low.  2.  Make the number small.  3.  And, keep getting back on the wagon until it finally runs me over.

Resolutions 2013.

1.  I resolve to not interrupt any of my children or my husband when they are talking (I will also try not to interrupt anyone else, but see paragraph 2, #1).  I have an annoying habit of always thinking I know what everyone is going to say before they say it (nine times out of ten I am right).  So, I just say it while they are still talking trying to say what they were going to say.  Our conversations are basically one person talking (or a few people talking) and me interrupting (or a few people interrupting).  So, basically nothing ever gets completely said or understood. 

But, it's really hard for me not to interrupt....in fact I may already need to interrupt this resolution to amend it!  Damn it!  I resolve to not interrupt any of my children or my husband when they are talking on Mondays?

2.  I resolve not to go for seconds.  (I'm gonna need some bigger plates.)  My good friend recently lost a good amount of weight and when I asked her about how she did it she said, "I don't go for seconds.  Sometimes my plate is loaded down and somewhat hard to carry, but I do not go for seconds anymore."



I might need to buy these "extra large dinner plates."  And the fork and spoon might need to find my home, too.
 

3.  I resolve to exercise first thing in the morning.  Lately (since about Halloween) my workouts have gotten later and later.  I find myself spending all morning (and much of the early afternoon) in my workout clothes.  One of two things has been happening:  1.  It gets too late to actually workout and I realize I've spent a good deal of the day answering the questions - Oh, did you just run?  Oh, are you getting ready to run?  or 2.  I don't shower for days because I end up having just enough time to workout, but not to shower.  Both of these options are uncomfortable and problematic.



#lessembarrassingthechildren?

4.  I resolve to eat all the remaining crap food in the house by Monday.  I know better than to resolve to "eat healthy," or "lose the holiday weight gain," or any other overachieving resolution like that.  I simply want all this sh*t a$$ food out of my house so that I have a fighting chance...and I'm not going to throw it away (because there are starving people somewhere in the world who would give the world to eat these seven remaining fudge brownies).

5.  I resolve to make more resolutions for other people.  It never fails that while I am doing my resolutions I really can't think of many ways to improve myself.  But, I can think of many ways in which to improve the people I live with.  So, rather than let this eat away at me why not just help them resolve some things for themselves?  It's brilliant, right?

Resolution #1 for all family members (except me) - put things back where they belong...damn it!  I think if they all just did that we could have peace in our house for all of 2013 (or even just for a few days).

Okay.  That's it.  Five simple resolutions.  Set the bar low and make the number small!  And help your fellow resolutioners out when you can!

I hope you guys have success and peace in the New Year (and a little money wouldn't hurt either...or a lot of money) and I'll be back soon with photos of our new addition to the family.  (It's a boy!)

Does this blog make my butt look big? Or, Rachel Ray needs my kids.

I am battling the bulge lately.  Seems everywhere I turn there are things that make me fat.....like my fat.  Here are just some things that confuse me and/or cause me to wonder about eating healthy and staying fit.

1.  Exercise - especially rigorous exercise for one hour a day - makes me want to eat like a horse for the other 11 hours in the day.  And not really fruit and veggies.  More like thick, juicy burgers and greasy fries.

2.  Rachel Ray can cook all that yummy looking food supposedly in 30 minutes because she doesn't have to plan the meal, shop for the meal, prep the meal, and cook the meal while also:  wiping a three year old's butt (sorry, just speakin' the truth), breaking up a fist fight, responding to an email marked urgent that apparently has been in my inbox for a week, and monitoring Wii time.

3.  Some of my favorite food blogs, like Rufus, often call for items that I am not familiar with nor do I have any idea where to buy.  For example:  rutabaga, prosciutto, turnip greens, coconut milk, etc.

4.  I want to watch a cooking show starring a lady that has four kids - I suggest ages 10, 8, 7, and 3 - all having their eating idiosyncrasies.  During the show the kids are with her the entire time she is doing anything involving feeding this TV family.  And then if she is successful I want her show to be cancelled.

5.  Although hubby and I are foodies and will pretty much eat anything that's not nailed down, our kids are a mixed batch.  The boy child eats like us.  His tastes range from sushi to greasy burgers.  He's not too keen on fruits, though, but will eat a wide range of veggies.  Girl 1 would eat this all day everyday if left alone:  pancakes, sweets, chocolate, fruit, bread, and raw sugar.  Girl 2 eats a wide range of things, although she fiercely avoids tomatoes, onions, and peppers if she can identify them (1.  Isn't that the Holy Trinity? and 2.  Did I ever tell you we are Mexican American???).  Girl 3 must sniff and pull apart everything she eats.  Although she would eat sushi, tuna, and hummus daily, she will avoid peanut butter like the plague.

6.  I think every time a fitness guru says, "It is a myth that you can tone your abs by ab exercises alone.  It requires core training." an angel eats a donut.

7.  I *might* be developing a healthy relationship with my muffin top.

8.  I *might* not want toned abs as much as I want to eat yummy food and enjoy tasty beverages.

9.  I've googled things like "tasty and healthy recipes," and I am just suspicious.  In other words, the recipes usually wear me out.  If it takes me five minutes to read and understand the recipe, frankly I don't want to cook it.   

10.  I have been hearing a lot about food allergies and it makes me infinitely thankful that - so far - my kids have none.  If they did they would starve and I would shoot myself.

That's what I've been thinking about.  Off to work-out for one hour, then eat like a horse, then prep for a lasagna recipe that I got off the back of the box!  Happy Monday, friends.  Try to stay fit.  Or, don't try.  I totally understand either way.

If you've seen my willpower, please send it home.

Here we are in that wayward time between Christmas and New Year's Eve when everyone is trying to: 1.  Clean the house (or, in my case, figure out how long you can go without cleaning the house before people get tired of stepping in goo, moving boxes around to eat, or wearing semi-clean underwear), 2.  Lose weight (just so you can eat without guilt in four more days), 3.  Figure out new electronics (in our case that would be a Wii - I know, not new, but new to us), 4.  Return Christmas presents you didn't really want and replace them with more crap stuff you don't really want do want, and 5.  Really just hang on psychologically until New Year's Day when you can let loose, be justified with all the looming resolutions you need to crank out on, and look forward to returning back to "normal." 

Well, I just wanted to check in with you during this sensitive time and let you know what I am dealing with (because, in the end, it's all about me).

1.  I am dealing with resisting tons and tons of sweets and chocolate.  I *might* be addicted to sweets and I *might* need an intervention and 12 step program.  Seriously.  I cannot resist all this sugar.  I am powerless against it.  Here is what stares back at me when I look in my kitchen (warning:  this list is a little obscene):  chocolate covered pretzels, an assortment of chocolate treats from a Hershey's bag, pecan sugar cookies, Christmas sugar cookies, fudge, cookies from the sweet neighbors delivered last night (because we didn't have enough), turtle pie (which is a little like heaven), Lindor chocolates, and some little green and red M&M's that are very handy and melt in your mouth not in your hands.  I have often justified eating all of these sweets by saying to myself that the sooner I eat them the sooner I will not have to deal with them anymore. 
2.  I am also dealing with lots of regular food that is not healthy.  Leftover ham (you know how much I love ham), chips of every variety, Chex Mix, and an assortment of nuts.  I justify eating this food by saying that it's healthier than eating all the food in #1.  Pretzels and Chex cereal are almost fruits and vegetables, right?
3.  I am dealing with wanting to drink lots of beer.  Partly because it's "vacation" and partly because the Wii has been running 24/7 since Santa brought it.
4.  Speaking of the Wii - I am dealing with it.  I am not a gamer, the music is annoying (but addicting), and I am not a gamer.
5.  I am dealing with the inability to exercise effectively.  This is largely (no pun intended) due to the fact that I have gained about 10 pounds and can no longer support the weight of my body.

So, in a nutshell (Which reminds me I am also tempted by a variety of nuts??? DID I SAY THAT???), if you find my willpower wandering around - SEND IT BACK.  I NEED it.  Please and thank you!

How Feeding a Family Prevents Me From Feeding My Family

Preface:  #1:  Baby was in the ER Friday night.  My intention was to blog it today, but instead I am saving that for my book - chapter to be titled Make Sure Your Kids' Panties Are Right Side Out Before Said Kid Ends Up in the ER.  #2:  I don't think I am fully recovered from baby going to the ER and my hands are already shaking from coffee intake in an attempt to fully recover.  SO, you are stuck with the following blog post on cooking (collective - blech).  When my book comes out you can thank me for the ER tips.  And lest you think I am a heartless mother who has no regard for her baby who was in the ER and only thinks of herself (who me?).  Baby is fine.  I think she recovered miraculously when she heard the words "popsicle and stickers if you can do this," and she was actually spotted high-fiving all the ER staff on her way out.

Today's Post

One of my resolutions for 2011 was to cook more things from scratch and not feed my family so much processed food.  I am a professed Non-Cook, so for me this was HUGE.  When I wrote the resolution I did not fully realize just how much actual work, time in the kitchen, and countless hours of research this would entail.

When it comes to cooking I have a few people I look to for inspiration who are clearly way above my skill level.  My good friend over at cyberbones is a crazy good cook.  She makes things like MARSHMALLOWS, and lots of ethnic foods that I have never heard of but am dying to taste.  She blogs about it later and I dream about doing the same.  Cyberbones effortlessly cooks circles around me. 

I also occasionally find myself related to outstanding cooks.  My beautiful niece over at http://skinny-fatkids.blogspot.com/ is just one.  Not only is she drop-dead gorgeous she manages to cook all this amazing food that is actually HEALTHY.  Oh, and did I mention - she's in law school.  Yeah, I know.  She blogs about her food AND photographs it WHILE cooking it.  Check these two blogs and you will say, "Standards too high." 

And, lastly I will just mention my hubby who is The Cook In The Family.  He is a born fabulous cook.  Thank God or we would starve.  He has tried to teach me to:  Taste my food while cooking.  Test recipes on our family, not strangers.  Memorize recipes that I make frequently.  Not even use a recipe - to just experiment with food I like.  Etc., etc...............I could be unteachable.

So that brings me to yesterday.  I had decided to try my hand at calzones in 805 easy steps.  I whittled the steps down and in preparation for yesterday this is what I had done.

1.  I researched calzones back to Italy itself by way of allrecipes.com, the Food Network, and epicurious.com.  Finding a recipe for actual made from scratch calzones is a little difficult since most of the recipes called for "Refrigerated Pizza Dough."  I finally settled on homemade pizza dough and a seemingly yummy recipe for a veggie filled calzone.
2.  Using the recipes, I made a grocery list of what I needed to buy to make Spinach and Cheese Calzones.  Thank you Bobby Flay and Rachel Ray.  When I went to print the recipes, the printer was out of ink.  This resulted in a quick fit from hubby (because the printer has been flashing "almost out of ink - GO BUY INK" for about six months now and I have yet to go to the ink store - across town and with two toddlers - to buy ink), quick fit from the boy-child (who was trying to print his invoices which were overdue - and yes our 9 year old has a paying job - don't judge), quick fit from Girl 2 because I couldn't print out her spelling words, AND (most important to this post) I had to hurriedly WRITE the recipes while three people were throwing fits.  Later this will be critically important.
3.  I thought I had a basic knowledge of how yeast actually works.

So, I set out to make the calzones at 1:30 p.m. in plenty of time for a 5:00 p.m. dinner. 

"What could this possibly go wrong?  Didn't you have a recipe?" you ask?

*Tired pause,* coming from months of experience answering this question when hubby asks it after I angrily shout at him, "SOMETHING HAS GONE WRONG.  WE ARE EATING OUT." 

Here's a run-down of what went wrong.

1.  Something went wrong with the yeast.  I don't exactly know what.  I ended up with not "double the amount," but more like (and this is exactly what the boy-child said) "possibly one quarter more than the original amount."
2.  Because I was forced to hand write everything since we had no ink - I ended up totally leaving out several critical ingredients to the recipe.  One of them being the main ingredient - ricotta cheese.
3.  I made a split second change in the recipe (which never turns out good when I do it) in order to accommodate having no ricotta cheese.
4.  When I opened one of the pizza sauce jars that was in the refrigerator (leading me to believe we had two half-used jars that would presumably equal one full jar) it was moldy.
5.  I thought I had more frozen spinach in the deep freeze.  When I actually went out to the deep freeze - we didn't.

At 5:45 dinner was served.  We had one HUGE calzone (about the size of half a pizza).  In it was:  sauteed artichoke, garlic, red, orange and yellow bell peppers, mozzarella cheese and a quarter bottle of pizza sauce.  We also had three smaller calzones with the rest of the pizza sauce, a teeny amount of seasoned spinach, and mozzarella cheese.  AMAZINGLY it tasted pretty good.  It was not at all what I had set out to make which is frustrating and upsetting to me, and I am sure Bobby Flay and Rachel Ray would have been positively mortified.  BUT, the Cook who was there (hubby) said it was, "progress."

This almost year of trying to cook from scratch has led me to this conclusion:  The cooking show I want to see on the Food Network is Cooking Healthy Meals From Scratch With Four Kids in the Kitchen, One Needy Husband, and Lots of Other Important Business to Attend To.

Post Script - On To-Do List for today:  Make peach cobbler.  Bad news:  The peaches were never taken out of the plastic bag from the grocers and properly put away because baby threw a Holy Hell Fit upon returning from said grocers.  Peaches are now moldy.......................................................

Banana cobbler?  Anyone?

A Pleasant Surprise

Another restaurant review. 

I have eaten out since my last one, but nothing really worth blogging about.  I cheated on Rosarios http://rosariossa.com/ once or twice (and it wasn't worth it) and I got in a fight and made up with Rosarios.  I also ate at a diner - which is noteworthy and has been a favorite with hubby and I for about 15 years.  Service is inconsistent, but the food has been consistently good, down home cooking spanning 15 years and a change in management.  Check it out if you are local.  http://www.410diner.com/default2.html

Now, I am not a fan of restaurants couched in strip malls, or attached to gas stations mostly because of the fact that it seems as if they are there because they have not graduated to be real restaurants.  But, I also tend to be tongue tied when hubby says, "Let's go to lunch.  What are you hungry for?" and we have an hour and a half to make a decision, drive to a restaurant, eat leisurely, and drive home so that I can pick up a child or children before the school calls the cops.  So, that is how I ended up at the nearby Spicy Ginger restaurant http://www.spicygingersa.com/ last Thursday after the lunch crowd.

It is couched in a strip mall along with one of the places with which we bank, so I drive by it quite a bit.  A few friends had told me it was good, so we decided to check it out.  I am so happy we did.

I was surprised immediately upon entering because for being in a tiny strip mall and for being a small Asian restaurant, it was decorated quite nicely.  This is not a commentary about the decorating in small Asian restaurants but do you know the red walls, Chinese calendar menus, Buddha theme?  Well, this was not of that variety.  The ambiance was warm, inviting, and the pendant lighting added a comfortable feeling.

I will get right to the food because it was yummy.  I ordered (and, yes, I am a big eater) four "crab and cream cheese puffs" for an appetizer.  They came and looked like neat little pillows.  You could have almost mistaken them for tiny sopapillas.  They had some cilantro and julienned carrots in the middle of the plate.  An attractive touch and super delicious when I picked it up and put it in my puff.  The puffs were steaming hot when I ripped them open.  Did I mention that I love my food hot when it's supposed to be hot?  The puff itself was a little thicker than the crab rangoons I have eaten and now I think I like them thin and thick.  I thought the puffs could have had a bit more filling, but the flavor was good.

It was difficult for me to decide on a main dish because I liked the noodle selection (always a good sign).  I picked Vietnamese noodles and decided to give tofu a try.  It's been a long time since I've eaten tofu and I wanted to see if I still liked it.  I was really happy with my choice.  The bowl came and it was a bowl.  I ate that lunch and lunch/snack the next day (which unfortunately I had to share with my foodie nine year old boy).  The noodles were hot and the flavors mixed together excellently.  The cucumber was sliced a little thicker than in the Vietnamese noodles I've had before.  I liked that.  I could really taste the flavor that way.  There were carrots, lots of cilantro, lettuce, beansprouts, and a slight lemony flavor.  Lemongrass?  Really great combination of flavors.  The tofu was spicy and had the consistency of chicken.  I have no idea if that is normal since it's been so long since I've had tofu, but it was good and tasted like soy sauce.  Sidenote:  The next day my nine year old (who has no idea what tofu is) said, "Give me all the chicken pieces, mom."  Then he claimed how great the chicken was in the noodles.

Hubby enjoyed what he had - Moo Goo Gai Pan.  But, it didn't look nearly as delish as mine, so I didn't ask for a bite.

I thoroughly enjoyed my meal, the ambiance was nice, and the service was great.  The prices?  I couldn't make it for cheaper (let's be honest - I couldn't make it at all).  I will go back.  :o)