Showing posts with label not funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label not funny. Show all posts
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Recrap
I'm writing over here today. It's not really funny or sarcastic. So, I won't be offended if you're not interested. I'll be back with the schtick later when things get funny again. If you do want to read today's post, here's somewhat of the backstory. It may make more sense after that. Or it might not. Or you can just muddle through like I do most of the time.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
it's a fine line between sanity and donuts and beer for breakfast.
Caution: Ranty pity-party post ahead. (It's not solving world peace or international hunger.)
Here are a few sucky things that have made my life not-funny lately . Instead of continuing to avoid my blog like the plague, I have decided to embrace the suckiness and write about it.
1. I have a four year old who talks incessantly. That is: without ceasing. Ever. Except when she is asleep. It has made focusing (on anything) really difficult for me these past few weeks. Before you leave me a self righteous comment telling me how I should savor these moments and that they don't last long, rest assured - I do. I am just wanting three seconds of quiet once every 24 hours so that I can fu*king focus on the tasks ahead. That's all. Don't judge. (It is my blog.)
Indeed, sometimes I feel guilty for telling her, "Can you please stop talking for three seconds? Mommy just needs to do this."
My guilt lasts approximately as long as it takes her to start talking again. So, usually about the three seconds I asked for.
So that you can experience the full extent of idiocracy that's happening over here, I give you a few of her nonsensical babbles from the past few days.
a. (This one happened in the middle of the night, so basically I was a captive audience.) MOMMY I HAD A NIGHTMARE ABOUT MY LITTLE PONIES. Except they weren't LITTLE. They were gigantic and SCARY. Even Princess Celestia. She was a scary, gigantic, not little pony. Can I sleep with you now?
b. Mom, how old are princesses? I think about four or eighty? Do you think that's how old they are? Except for Brave. I think she's 20. But, she wasn't married was she? Mom, was Brave married? When I'm 20 I am going to be married.
c. Mom, I am going to live with you forever. Okay? And then I'm going to have four kids. Two boys and two girls. And then I am going to have a boyfriend. And then I am going to have a dog. And maybe one cat. But, cats don't like kids, right? Or do they? So, maybe I guess I'm not going to have kids.
d. I drew a picture of Snow White. But, I didn't know how to make her dress, so I just made her smile look like Snow White's.
e. Sometimes she sings her babble. At the top of her lungs. If you're shiny and you know it, CLAP YOUR HANDS! If you're shiny and you know it, CLAP YOUR HANDS! If you're shiny and you know it........................THEN YOUR FACE WILL SURELY SHOW IT! If you're shiny and you know it, clap your hands!
f. She is currently obsessed with all the princesses. Mom, Snow White has two smiles, right? One like this (she does a maniac smile)? And then one like this (she does another slightly more maniac smile)?
g. Mom, when is the mummy going to go to bed? (We have a mummy in our living room right now. Since he can't be left out in the elements, after our epic Halloween party we put him in the kitchen. But hubby kept getting startled by him and threatened to knock his teeth out. So, for mummy's sake - I had hubby move him to the living room so that he's looking out the window.)
Do you kinda see how this *was* funny about the first three years and that now it's just making me grow weary (and old)?
2. I am not Mother of the Year. I have known this since my oldest was about a week old. I will be the first to admit my parenting faults. Short list:
a. I am inconsistent to the point of being consistent in my inconsistency.
b. I am impatient.
c. I scream. And sometimes I throw fits.
d. I am sarcastic. Sometimes caustically.
So, it should be no surprise that my kids are screwed up. Usually, though, it's no more so than I myself am screwed up (so, not too bad). Until this school year. It's like my family has some sort of super bug which affects their emotions so that all they can do is throw raging fits of lunacy. And apparently there is no known cure for this super bug. Believe me I've searched and tried everything known to man. I have even sunk so low as to read A Parenting Book. Or two. Blech. They didn't help much. Surprise!
Seriously. The constant fits by various family members (myself included) have made me weary. And old.
Don't worry. This is not a "call for help." I've already done that. One of us, and possibly all of us, is going into therapy/counseling/head shrinking/boot camp with a professional as soon as I can iron out the details (which I will be able to do once the four year old gives me three seconds of silence).
Did I mention I was overtly sarcastic? You will undoubtedly read more about this in the posts to come. Or you won't because we will all be hauled away to the loony farm. In that case, I'll try to sneak in my laptop to keep you up-to-date.
3. I like to fool around mindlessly on Facebook leaving (what I think) are witty and self-deprecating comments and posts all over and laughing incessantly at my own (hilarious) jokes. Since I don't have cable, Facebook is kind of like TLC for me. The problem is Facebook has turned into a sickeningly vicious political platform that makes me want to vomit inside my mouth (and outside of it) every time I login. The impact this has had on my attitude and spare time (read: time I spend procrastinating) is pathetic and painful at the same time. Pathetic because I am ready to lose it over the next person who invites me to "friend" Mittens and painful because I feel like I have lost my BFF (which - like a vicious circle - is so pathetic). It has all made me weary and old and I am desperate for this political season to be over so that I can go back to having some good, old fashioned, harmless fun with my old BFF, Facebook. Oh, and so I can get through one fu*king meal without the phone ringing. Thank you, Robocallers.
4. I am going through some sort of mid-life crisis (brought about - or at least sped up - by numbers 1-3) which has caused me to become painfully aware of the fact that I am 39+ years old and I still don't know what the hell I am going to do when I grow up. My fear of growing old alone is becoming more and more vivid. So much so that the other day I found myself saying to someone, "Naw. I really don't want to live much past 70." Then later I thought, "JESUS, Mary and Joseph??? Did I say 70??? That's like 20 years away! What the heck am I doing sitting around here???"
5. After successfully losing a lot of "baby fat" I had hanging around, really toning up, and changing a lot of my disgustingly immature eating habits, the first day of slightly cooler weather came and I find myself eating like I am going into hibernation and avoiding exercise in order to save my strength for spring. Sadly, my daily mantra has become, "I am not a bear."
I warned you it was not pretty. I hope my next post will be about how I have discovered the cure for raging lunatic fits and that I am back to healthy living. But, just typing that right now makes me want to eat a donut and wash it down with a beer. Have a great weekend. I am going to try and retain my personal sanity and keep my family out of the sanatorium.
Here are a few sucky things that have made my life not-funny lately . Instead of continuing to avoid my blog like the plague, I have decided to embrace the suckiness and write about it.
1. I have a four year old who talks incessantly. That is: without ceasing. Ever. Except when she is asleep. It has made focusing (on anything) really difficult for me these past few weeks. Before you leave me a self righteous comment telling me how I should savor these moments and that they don't last long, rest assured - I do. I am just wanting three seconds of quiet once every 24 hours so that I can fu*king focus on the tasks ahead. That's all. Don't judge. (It is my blog.)
Indeed, sometimes I feel guilty for telling her, "Can you please stop talking for three seconds? Mommy just needs to do this."
My guilt lasts approximately as long as it takes her to start talking again. So, usually about the three seconds I asked for.
So that you can experience the full extent of idiocracy that's happening over here, I give you a few of her nonsensical babbles from the past few days.
a. (This one happened in the middle of the night, so basically I was a captive audience.) MOMMY I HAD A NIGHTMARE ABOUT MY LITTLE PONIES. Except they weren't LITTLE. They were gigantic and SCARY. Even Princess Celestia. She was a scary, gigantic, not little pony. Can I sleep with you now?
b. Mom, how old are princesses? I think about four or eighty? Do you think that's how old they are? Except for Brave. I think she's 20. But, she wasn't married was she? Mom, was Brave married? When I'm 20 I am going to be married.
c. Mom, I am going to live with you forever. Okay? And then I'm going to have four kids. Two boys and two girls. And then I am going to have a boyfriend. And then I am going to have a dog. And maybe one cat. But, cats don't like kids, right? Or do they? So, maybe I guess I'm not going to have kids.
d. I drew a picture of Snow White. But, I didn't know how to make her dress, so I just made her smile look like Snow White's.
e. Sometimes she sings her babble. At the top of her lungs. If you're shiny and you know it, CLAP YOUR HANDS! If you're shiny and you know it, CLAP YOUR HANDS! If you're shiny and you know it........................THEN YOUR FACE WILL SURELY SHOW IT! If you're shiny and you know it, clap your hands!
f. She is currently obsessed with all the princesses. Mom, Snow White has two smiles, right? One like this (she does a maniac smile)? And then one like this (she does another slightly more maniac smile)?
g. Mom, when is the mummy going to go to bed? (We have a mummy in our living room right now. Since he can't be left out in the elements, after our epic Halloween party we put him in the kitchen. But hubby kept getting startled by him and threatened to knock his teeth out. So, for mummy's sake - I had hubby move him to the living room so that he's looking out the window.)
Do you kinda see how this *was* funny about the first three years and that now it's just making me grow weary (and old)?
2. I am not Mother of the Year. I have known this since my oldest was about a week old. I will be the first to admit my parenting faults. Short list:
a. I am inconsistent to the point of being consistent in my inconsistency.
b. I am impatient.
c. I scream. And sometimes I throw fits.
d. I am sarcastic. Sometimes caustically.
So, it should be no surprise that my kids are screwed up. Usually, though, it's no more so than I myself am screwed up (so, not too bad). Until this school year. It's like my family has some sort of super bug which affects their emotions so that all they can do is throw raging fits of lunacy. And apparently there is no known cure for this super bug. Believe me I've searched and tried everything known to man. I have even sunk so low as to read A Parenting Book. Or two. Blech. They didn't help much. Surprise!
Seriously. The constant fits by various family members (myself included) have made me weary. And old.
Don't worry. This is not a "call for help." I've already done that. One of us, and possibly all of us, is going into therapy/counseling/head shrinking/boot camp with a professional as soon as I can iron out the details (which I will be able to do once the four year old gives me three seconds of silence).
Did I mention I was overtly sarcastic? You will undoubtedly read more about this in the posts to come. Or you won't because we will all be hauled away to the loony farm. In that case, I'll try to sneak in my laptop to keep you up-to-date.
3. I like to fool around mindlessly on Facebook leaving (what I think) are witty and self-deprecating comments and posts all over and laughing incessantly at my own (hilarious) jokes. Since I don't have cable, Facebook is kind of like TLC for me. The problem is Facebook has turned into a sickeningly vicious political platform that makes me want to vomit inside my mouth (and outside of it) every time I login. The impact this has had on my attitude and spare time (read: time I spend procrastinating) is pathetic and painful at the same time. Pathetic because I am ready to lose it over the next person who invites me to "friend" Mittens and painful because I feel like I have lost my BFF (which - like a vicious circle - is so pathetic). It has all made me weary and old and I am desperate for this political season to be over so that I can go back to having some good, old fashioned, harmless fun with my old BFF, Facebook. Oh, and so I can get through one fu*king meal without the phone ringing. Thank you, Robocallers.
4. I am going through some sort of mid-life crisis (brought about - or at least sped up - by numbers 1-3) which has caused me to become painfully aware of the fact that I am 39+ years old and I still don't know what the hell I am going to do when I grow up. My fear of growing old alone is becoming more and more vivid. So much so that the other day I found myself saying to someone, "Naw. I really don't want to live much past 70." Then later I thought, "JESUS, Mary and Joseph??? Did I say 70??? That's like 20 years away! What the heck am I doing sitting around here???"
5. After successfully losing a lot of "baby fat" I had hanging around, really toning up, and changing a lot of my disgustingly immature eating habits, the first day of slightly cooler weather came and I find myself eating like I am going into hibernation and avoiding exercise in order to save my strength for spring. Sadly, my daily mantra has become, "I am not a bear."
I warned you it was not pretty. I hope my next post will be about how I have discovered the cure for raging lunatic fits and that I am back to healthy living. But, just typing that right now makes me want to eat a donut and wash it down with a beer. Have a great weekend. I am going to try and retain my personal sanity and keep my family out of the sanatorium.
 |
| He's the guy in my living room. I call him Fred. I *kinda* wanna feed him a sandwich. |
Monday, January 16, 2012
My brain may have just figured out It's January.
So, I am usually mildly depressed in January. Call it Seasonal Depression, Post-Christmas Blues, Whacked Out Mom-of-Four Syndrome, whatever. But, it's usually the case that in January I like to sit around in my jammies and think about everything sad. I know that's weird since January is such a fabulously jazzy month what with: post-Christmas finances, dreary disgusting weather, MLK Jr.'s march that we can never attend because someone is always napping and it's raining, my BIRTHDAY when my greatest fear (aging) is realized, and the days that end at 5:30 p.m. when all the kids are still WIDE AWAKE??? Surprising, but true. In the past, you might have known (not that you in any way should care) that I am in Mild Depression because I won't post or if I do it will all be about Death and Dying (yes, like Kubler-Ross).
This year I was sure I had kicked that nasty habit to the curb. I had my Happy Gal groove on.....for the first 13 days. Then it hit me. IT'S JANUARY. I am supposed to be in a Super Funk where I don't cook, clean, brush my teeth, or shower. What the heck am I doing wandering around like a normal functioning woman?
As soon as that "cat was out of the bag" it's like my brain said, "Shut down. Eat like a bear that's going into hibernation, refuse to talk to the children, and stay in your room." And, with a few exceptions (I am talking to the children - occasionally and upon emergency), that's where I've been for a few days.
That brings me to today. I decided it's time to take this bull by the horns and kick this thing. What better way to do that than to concentrate on what makes January great? So, here it goes. (If this works, this could be my meal ticket, and I *could* be a millionaire - as it seems there are few side effects to making list.)
The Great Things About January (don't worry, I could only think of 10 - and that was a stretch)
1. We are that much closer to Spring Break.
2. We will not face the pressures of the Christmas season for another 11 months.
3. The Golden Globe Awards are in January and we can make a list of movies that are supposedly good so that we might watch them sometime int he next 20 years.
4. There are lots of season premieres and it can feel almost like September.
5. There is the hope that shows like Whitney will be cancelled so that we won't have to accidentally stumble upon them and then be compelled to watch like a bad car crash.
6. There isn't a lot of pressure to shop for new clothes since it will be rainy, cold, and dreary for a good two months.
7. Even though I am faced with the fact of aging when my birthday rolls around, I do have a nice chance to score birthday booty (the accessory kind, not the other kind).
8. The kids are fairly content playing with their Christmas loot and less inclined to fight with each other.
9. January puts this irrational hope in the minds of my kids that it will snow (here in South Texas - where it's snowed a handful of times...ever), they will be able to make a snowman, ice skate, and have a snow day. This irrational hope keep them excited and eager well into the fourth week of the month.
And probably the best thing about January:
10. We are already halfway through and just 15 days away from FEBRUARY.
Well, that was worthless. It turns out January does suck. (I won't quit the day job.) Try to keep your happy face on and if you can't do that, at least wash your jammies and hunker down. We only have 15 more days to get through!!!
This year I was sure I had kicked that nasty habit to the curb. I had my Happy Gal groove on.....for the first 13 days. Then it hit me. IT'S JANUARY. I am supposed to be in a Super Funk where I don't cook, clean, brush my teeth, or shower. What the heck am I doing wandering around like a normal functioning woman?
As soon as that "cat was out of the bag" it's like my brain said, "Shut down. Eat like a bear that's going into hibernation, refuse to talk to the children, and stay in your room." And, with a few exceptions (I am talking to the children - occasionally and upon emergency), that's where I've been for a few days.
That brings me to today. I decided it's time to take this bull by the horns and kick this thing. What better way to do that than to concentrate on what makes January great? So, here it goes. (If this works, this could be my meal ticket, and I *could* be a millionaire - as it seems there are few side effects to making list.)
The Great Things About January (don't worry, I could only think of 10 - and that was a stretch)
1. We are that much closer to Spring Break.
2. We will not face the pressures of the Christmas season for another 11 months.
3. The Golden Globe Awards are in January and we can make a list of movies that are supposedly good so that we might watch them sometime int he next 20 years.
4. There are lots of season premieres and it can feel almost like September.
5. There is the hope that shows like Whitney will be cancelled so that we won't have to accidentally stumble upon them and then be compelled to watch like a bad car crash.
6. There isn't a lot of pressure to shop for new clothes since it will be rainy, cold, and dreary for a good two months.
7. Even though I am faced with the fact of aging when my birthday rolls around, I do have a nice chance to score birthday booty (the accessory kind, not the other kind).
8. The kids are fairly content playing with their Christmas loot and less inclined to fight with each other.
9. January puts this irrational hope in the minds of my kids that it will snow (here in South Texas - where it's snowed a handful of times...ever), they will be able to make a snowman, ice skate, and have a snow day. This irrational hope keep them excited and eager well into the fourth week of the month.
And probably the best thing about January:
10. We are already halfway through and just 15 days away from FEBRUARY.
Well, that was worthless. It turns out January does suck. (I won't quit the day job.) Try to keep your happy face on and if you can't do that, at least wash your jammies and hunker down. We only have 15 more days to get through!!!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Sometimes it's just not funny.
These past few weeks of my life have been decidedly "not funny." So, bear with me as I veer away from my normally caustically sarcastic self and give you just a Plain Post. If you are against Plain Posts, I will not be offended. I promise when I am feeling better I will tell you the other more humorous stories milling about in my head. What the heck has happened to Axel Rose? My Life in Cleaning Episodes, and some practical parenting tips. Meanwhile - I am focusing on what makes me in love rather than what makes me want to poke out my eyes out with sharp sticks. So, here is my melancholy list for today.
What I Love...
1. When my kids crack me up in a big way and it is totally unexpected and ironic. Example: Last night all of my four were having meltdowns of various size and scope AT THE SAME TIME. Incomprehensibly, I found this hilarious and literally could not stop laughing. My kids were hurt and disappointed in my lack of compassion (Girl 1's exact words) *bad mommy*. This only made me laugh harder.
2. The delightful things. Girl 1 wrote a story a few nights ago. She often does this, so I've read many "The Amazing Rabbit," "The Tales of Sammy Squirrel," "The Girl Who Loved Stuffed Animals," ad naseum (kind of because it is darn cute). The thing that made this one stand out was this: "About the Author." And here's what she wrote, "The author lives in San Antonio, Texas. She is married and has two children. Writing has always been her passion." I am not posting the actual text because I promised (in a fit of weakness) to not post it on Facebook, my blog, or "anywhere else on your computer." But, isn't that delightful? Try to read that without smiling.
3. Enduring love. Did anyone say love was easy? If they did, sorry. I missed it. It just sounds like something my mom would have said to me, "Y'know, honey, love is not easy. But enduring love is the best thing. Ever."
4. When someone stands up for what is right even though that is sometimes really difficult to do.
5. That I will catch my mom in my sisters. I have more sisters than the Jehovah's and I love them all. I had the chance to see two of them in the same week. And in the short time we were together I saw glimpses of my mom. That brings me a lot of comfort and joy.
6. Halloween. Best. Night. Ever. (Even though it usually starts with serious family dysfunction and ends with one child in a total and complete sugar high melt-down. To the ground.)
7. Cooking ahead of time. Now, this is a bit Betty Crocker/Martha Stewartish for me but I must admit it has saved me these past few weeks when cooking has really not been my focus.
8. Reading blogs that make me laugh. Out loud. I don't laugh easily and recently I have stumbled upon a blog that really has made me laugh. Since I've shared many of my favs with you, I will share this one as well. Thanks bloggers!
9. Good friends who stay through thick and thin.
10. and, because I love round numbers. I really love when someone gives me something to think about. Here is what I have been thinking about for a few weeks: What are you doing today that years from now you will look back on and be happy about? What are you doing today that years from now you will look back on and regret?
That's all I got. Sorry if it was too straight-laced for you - I will be back to "normal" soon (after menopause is over - JOKING...kind of). Peace!
What I Love...
1. When my kids crack me up in a big way and it is totally unexpected and ironic. Example: Last night all of my four were having meltdowns of various size and scope AT THE SAME TIME. Incomprehensibly, I found this hilarious and literally could not stop laughing. My kids were hurt and disappointed in my lack of compassion (Girl 1's exact words) *bad mommy*. This only made me laugh harder.
2. The delightful things. Girl 1 wrote a story a few nights ago. She often does this, so I've read many "The Amazing Rabbit," "The Tales of Sammy Squirrel," "The Girl Who Loved Stuffed Animals," ad naseum (kind of because it is darn cute). The thing that made this one stand out was this: "About the Author." And here's what she wrote, "The author lives in San Antonio, Texas. She is married and has two children. Writing has always been her passion." I am not posting the actual text because I promised (in a fit of weakness) to not post it on Facebook, my blog, or "anywhere else on your computer." But, isn't that delightful? Try to read that without smiling.
3. Enduring love. Did anyone say love was easy? If they did, sorry. I missed it. It just sounds like something my mom would have said to me, "Y'know, honey, love is not easy. But enduring love is the best thing. Ever."
4. When someone stands up for what is right even though that is sometimes really difficult to do.
5. That I will catch my mom in my sisters. I have more sisters than the Jehovah's and I love them all. I had the chance to see two of them in the same week. And in the short time we were together I saw glimpses of my mom. That brings me a lot of comfort and joy.
6. Halloween. Best. Night. Ever. (Even though it usually starts with serious family dysfunction and ends with one child in a total and complete sugar high melt-down. To the ground.)
7. Cooking ahead of time. Now, this is a bit Betty Crocker/Martha Stewartish for me but I must admit it has saved me these past few weeks when cooking has really not been my focus.
8. Reading blogs that make me laugh. Out loud. I don't laugh easily and recently I have stumbled upon a blog that really has made me laugh. Since I've shared many of my favs with you, I will share this one as well. Thanks bloggers!
9. Good friends who stay through thick and thin.
10. and, because I love round numbers. I really love when someone gives me something to think about. Here is what I have been thinking about for a few weeks: What are you doing today that years from now you will look back on and be happy about? What are you doing today that years from now you will look back on and regret?
That's all I got. Sorry if it was too straight-laced for you - I will be back to "normal" soon (after menopause is over - JOKING...kind of). Peace!
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