Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Cleaning is making me an alcoholic.

It's July 9 and I am completing a task that's been on my To Do List for 11 years (more or less) AND a task that's been on my To Do List for about three years. 

When we bought our house I thought it would be relaxing and sexy to get a whirlpool tub.

Biggest.  Mistake.  In.  My.  Life.  (Right next to "Hair of the Dog," "Eat Clean," and "Use a Dishwasher That's Not Yourself.")

My God. 

For clarification purposes, we've used the whirlpool part of our tub I'd guess less than 10 times - all within six months of moving into this house.  AAAAAAAAND it cost, I think, $2000?  So, if I were to cost analyze this - that's $200 a bath?  If I could teleport back in time I would have spent $1000 at Victoria's Secret and another $1000 on beer and been relaxed and sexy for a very long time only having to clean myself and my recycling bin.

After waiting 11 years to clean these sonofabitch jets and three years to clean the dishwasher here are a few of my thoughts:

1.  The warning on most cleaners that tell you not to mix the cleaner with anything are written for me.  When I tackle a cleaning task like whirlpool tub jets that haven't been cleaned in 11 years and a dishwasher that's not been cleaned in about three years I want to mix:  CLR, bleach, Borax, vinegar, rubbing alcohol, and baking soda (and maybe the half filled bottle of Coke that's been on the fridge for about four months just because I read on the Internet one time that Coke cleans pennies really well).  Then I want to stand back and see the whole thing blow up so that I can text hubby, "There's been a minor accident and we *might* have to move."

2.  Whirlpool tub jets that haven't been cleaned like ever might give you an STD.  If not, cleaning them will make you asphyxiate and vomit.  And, then you might think you would be better off with an STD.

3.  The Internet is a lying sleazebag.  (Autocorrect just corrected sleazebag.  FINALLY autocorrect gets me.)  The Internet told me I could clean the dishwasher with CLR (which I am pretty sure is what they threw on the witch in The Wizard of Oz).

You can.

But FIRST (what they DON'T tell you because "they assume you know that," said hubby quite condescendingly), make sure there is not a small cup blocking the disposal.

Because if there is you will go check Facebook because "you got this" and come back into the kitchen and there will be suds all.  over.  the.  floor.

(No.  There are no photos in this post because I am too ashamed and horrified at my pitiful cleaning skills and I still want you to like me.)

4.  I cannot believe I am still married.  After 23 (?) years hubby must overlook my total lack of cleanliness (and common sense) because I am beautiful?  On the inside? 

5.  It would have been easier (and probably more cost effective considering I've been through 5? bottles of bleach, more CLR than it's healthy to inhale, two scrub brushes, and one level of sanity) to replace the dishwasher, and take a sledgehammer to the tub.  After all, we have two tubs and the other one the housecleaner keeps sparkling.

6.  The kids asked me why I am cleaning the dishwasher and the tub jets.  Here's how that went:

Conversation 1:

Boy child:  But, mom you never take a bath.  Do you?  You're a germ freak.  I thought you said baths were nasty because all that water is floating around and you could get an infection and that's why you should always take showers.....with shower shoes?

Me:  YOU ARE RIGHT.  I SAID THAT.  BUT I CANNOT LOOK AT THIS ANY LONGER BECAUSE IT IS MAKING ME PHYSICALLY ILL AND WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO MOVE IF I DON'T CLEAN THIS RIGHT NOW.  TODAY.  (I was screaming because the water in all six jets was on and there was still water coming out of the faucet - for good measure.  And, also because the fumes and the actual work of it made me crazy.)

Boy child:  Okay, mom.  It's okay.  Don't have a cow.  You don't have to scream.  I'm right here.  And, also are you sure you should be breathing all this stuff?  'Cuz it kinda stinks in here.

Then Boy child passed out.

Conversation 2:

Girl 3:  Momma, these bubbles all over the kitchen look COOL!  But, why do you have to clean the dishwasher if the dishwasher is for cleaning?

Me:  Please go to the fridge and bring momma a beer.

7.  The Internet is a lying sleazebag.  Wait, did I already say that?  Step 112 on the dishwasher cleaning post was something like, "Make sure you run another cycle in the dishwasher with just water so that you can rinse the CLR out." 

In case you ever decide to clean your dishwasher - just know that is a lie.

There is no rinsing the CLR out.  You will have bubbly CLR on the bottom of your dishwasher after at least two cycles of clean water.

But, I can only think having your family consume CLR residue of off "clean" dishes for weeks to come is better than having them eat from dishes washed in a dirty dishwasher?  Right?

8.  It's 10:01 and I am drinking a beer to toast somewhat clean fairly less disgusting whirlpool tub jets that we will not use for another 11 years, AND a clean dishwasher which will be used to dish up poison that might kill my family!  AND I am free from this kind of work for another THREE TO ELEVEN YEARS!  CHEERS!


Rebecca said...

Thank you for the laughs! I truly look forward to your updates!

Monica said...

@Rebecca - you are most welcome. i'll definitely be doing an "update" when the family is all hospitalized and i'm being arrested after a frantic call to poison control. ;o)

Vonda said...

Wait! You're supposed to clean your dishwasher??

Monica said...

@Vonda - here's the thing. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. until I went to a friend's house and she was showing me the nasty state that the previous owners (damn them) had left their dishwasher. hello. NASTY. wait....hmm...that looks JUST LIKE MINE? what the what? yeah, that's how I found it. *mumbles and walks awkwardly backward*

Shannon said...

Sorry about the dishwasher, I really didn't mean to make more work. At this point I don't thing I have ANY skin or possibly even fingerprints? because I have just spent the last 2 hours scrubbing the inside of the toilet bowl with a pumice stone from the plumbing department, this after an entire bottle of CLR failed to make much of a dent, although it burned like mad when I got in on my hand. and it STILL looks like I has never been cleaned. If you really do have a sledgehammer could I please borrow it. The toilet needs to have an accident.

Monica said...

@Shannon - so you have no fingerprints now? FABULOUS! go commit a heinous crime!!! and I am not talking about merely smashing in the toilet. oh, and p.s. - I am really happy I saw your dishwasher because otherwise I probably NEVER WOULD HAVE CLEANED MINE. ;o)

Megly Mc said...

I am CRYING...seriously...

When my ex-husband and I moved into our last house...same friggin' thing. I had a 6' jacuzzi tub installed.

Anyhoo...I just used to fill it with hot water and half a keg of bleach, once a month or so, and let it run...and try and ignore the floating bits of something that I suspect was the unholy result of when black mold mates with botchalism.

The kids used to like to go in their with some Johnson's bath soap, which would make more foam than a drug-fueled bubble party. In retrospect...maybe the germ exposure is the reason they can't do math now. Frick.

Monica said...

@megly mc - so, here's the part where I was crying (and not from laughter). I got a *little* obsessed with the dishwasher and noticed (this is REALLY gross, so that's your warning) these black rectangles in the corners of the door of the washer. I didn't have my glasses on and I was all, "hmm. I've never seen that before." then I swiped a sponge over it and it started to come off. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! it was, frankly, unholy. THEN I got my glasses. AAAAND then I wanted to throw up. it was like years of mold and mildew and disgustingness that I am assuming has been washing over my dishes for years. yes. I know. that's pretty, right? so, I carefully (and by that I mean with a hazmat suit on) removed the little rubber things (truth be told I am SURE I broke the washer by doing that) and washed them and the corners with more CLR. so, basically. we are gonna die pretty soon. I think when they sell you a Jacuzzi or whirlpool tub there should be a full cleaning disclosure statement.

Dirty Martini Queen said...

Hints from Heloise or in this case Donna....put powder dishwashing detergent, hot water and bleach in the tub and run jets for 10 to 15 minutes. Empty the tub and fill with cold water and run jets for another 5 minutes to flush all the cleaners out. I swear it works like a charm.

Monica said...

@dirty martini queen (love the name BTW) - yes. that is EXACTLY what I did. it worked fairly well. then I scrubbed, and scrubbed, and scrubbed. I felt a little like Cinderella except that there wasn't a charming prince and a wedding at the end. thanks for the read and comment!

Cindy Seger said...

I'm so happy that I found you! Thank you so much for sharing your life!

Anonymous said...

LMFAO! But, seriously, you never use the tub anymore? We don't have one, and I've been dreaming of relaxing in one with a glass of wine and a book ever since I told Cap'n Firepants, "We don't really need a tub. A shower is fine." That was 5 years ago.

You're lucky you don't have a Wonderbutt - because his fumes mixed with CLR would probably cause a major gas explosion.


Johanna said...

He he he, had a right old giggle reading this post. I hate cleaning, ESPECIALLY crouching over cleaning bath tubs. Luckily my husband agreed to hire a cleaner every second week and I (pretend to) clean the alternate weeks.

Monica said...

@cindy - i'm happy, too! thanks for the read and comment. hope you come back! @whatimeant2say - oh, friend. it is ANYTHING but relaxing. well, it WAS relaxing the first five times? then my germaphobic self started to wonder about all that water going through the jets which were getting more and more scumming. then we just stopped using it. it really, really kills me that I have to clean something I NEVER use. yeah, bandit pretty much stayed outta my way while I was cleaning. I guess he knew that my fuse was really short. ;o) @Johanna - thanks for the read and comment! I do a lot of that pretending, too. ;o)

TNMom said...

This is hilarious! I want one of those tubs when we build a house, in our next life...I have NEVER cleaned my dishwasher, ever. I didnt know that was a thing...guess I will have to go read the lies on the internet to find out how to suds up my whole kitchen! Thanks lady! <3 Devan

Monica said...

@devan - I must say neither job brought me any kind of emotional satisfaction and if I had to do it all over again...well, I would have done something totally different. like shop. for a new dishwasher and tub.

Megly Mc said...

Monica, I think that we all just need to agree that they should come with a 3x/week cleaning woman.

PS...the captcha is SERIOUSLY fucking with me.

Mind Margins said...

You are reminding me why I never wanted a hot tub. Now the dishwasher is an entirely different matter. I have to clean that thing???

Monica said...

@mindmargins - hot tubs are the devil's playground. yes, dishwashers DO need to be cleaned. who would have thought?????? this is some kind of cruel punishment for not doing dishes by hand. I guess.