Sunday, July 14, 2013

Our first child graduated! The job prospects don't look too good, and peeing or pooping on the floor is still a possibility. But no one ever said parenting was easy, right?

Anyone want to adopt a recent graduate?

So, puppy graduated from Puppy School Friday night.  (Or as hubby has become fond of saying, "He finally got his dog-torate.)  (I didn't say the jokes were good.)

1.  Around 3:00 p.m. on Friday - approximately four hours before the graduation ceremony, I started to feel guilty about not baking puppy a cake, or sending out invitations to his graduation (*maybe* I'd been drinking).  But, Lady Luck was on my side! 

Coincidentally I was baking three cakes (my human children were having a fundraiser the next day).  As usual, I tried to burn the house down while making the cakes.  This resulted in a lot of gooey cake batter pouring out of the oven door and spilling onto the floor.  This resulted in a Huge Clean Up.....and a trip to the store for more beer.

Thankfully, puppy was playing outside while the smoke alarms were sounding and billowing black smoke mixed with brown sugar and butter was oozing out of my 350 degree oven.

Where's the Lady Luck part?  You ask. 

When puppy came in he licked every surface of my closed oven door and drawer and the entire surface area of the wood floor on which my stove sits.............obsessively for about two hours.   AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND, I let him!  Because I owed him. 

THEN, I let him wash it all down with some delicious toilet water!  I'm pretty sure he had a huge grin on his face.

Puppy, you are welcome!  Happy Graduation!

2.  In the Yukon Cornelius on the way to the ceremony I was telling the family about how puppy just loves Cheez Whiz and that we should have gotten him some for his graduation.  I then told them about how the vet feeds puppy Cheez Whiz on a tongue depressor when she needs to do something to him. 

Girl 1 said, "Oh, you mean like when she needs to put a tongue depressor in his mouth?"

I said, "Um.  No."

Girl 3 said, "Oh, you mean like when he does something good."

I said, "Um.  No."

Girl 1 said, "So, when does the vet do that exactly?"

I said, "Y'know?  Like when she needs to stick something up his butt.  Like a thermometer."

Most of the Yukon Cornelius' passengers snickered after that quite loudly.

Then hubby said (snickering the loudest), "Well, I like Cheez Whiz, a lot, too....................but, I am not falling for that trick."

I think we all felt closer to hubby after that.  So, thank you hubby.

3.  Since puppy went from birth to graduation in eight months, I did not have time to make him a scrapbook documenting every milestone he has passed.  (Plus, I really didn't want my last two human children to be jealous since they only have one page scrapbooks themselves which basically document the fact that they were indeed born.) 

I think it's okay though because during the graduation I took about 8000 photos with my phone and they all look like this:

Can you tell what the f*ck that is?  No, me neither.

So, clearly he's an ungrateful bastard when it comes to memories and important milestones.

4.  I think my four year old might be ready to graduate pretty soon. 

Puppy knows about one command (sit) to about the 50th percentile  mark when compared to other border collie mutts his own age.  And he was able to graduate in the State of Texas (apparently otherwise known as the State of Poor Testing Standards).  And the chance that he will be within the 50th percent of obeying this command increases exponentially (if I may be so brave as to use a word that I don't fully understand) if you are holding a bacon treat.

This got me thinking - Girl 3 might be pretty close to graduating herself! 

She knows about one command (the actual command depends on her mood, how much sleep she's had, what distractions are present, and other sundry factors) to about the 50th percentile mark when compared to other mischievous four year old girls who think they are diva queens.  The chance that she will be in the 50th percent of obeying your command increases exponentially if you are holding a brand new Barbie in your hand and threatening her with loss of technology while simultaneously promising to buy her the new Barbie.

Graduation, for another child - here we come!!!

5.  I'm afraid we might look like a lot of other parents who just had recent graduates.  Disappointingly, despite one of our children having completed a major accomplishment, life looks pretty much the way it did before we had a child graduate.

He still lays around the house all day seemingly doing nothing, waiting for someone to give him food, clean up after him, and play games with him.  He has yet to get out of the house and look for a stinkin' job, and as far as I can tell he is still not making enough money to pay his own way, let alone his cell phone bill.

Bandit before graduation.

Bandit after graduation.  See the difference?  No?  Me neither.



Megly Mc said...

Ahhhh, the TAAS test. You're giving me flashbacks of the four years I lived and taught in Texas. :) A whole year of doing nothing but teaching to that test, and we still sucked. Imagine that.

I have no idea how you guys have been making your cash, but that picture looks alarmingly like a still shot from some Moldavian porn I saw once. I mean...that I heard about...from a the gym.

Monica said...

megly mc - you are familiar with the once TAAS, now ASS? ;o) I knew I liked you and see I didn't even know the half of it. the day of puppy's graduation and I CANNOT take one decent photo of him because he went completely insane. it was just nuts. and, yeah. it does look vaguely like it could be moldavian porn (or what I've researched about moldavian porn on the internetz). ;o)

Anonymous said...

I think he looks far more learned and wise in the second picture. Definitely worth all of the time and money you poured into his education, I'm sure :)

Monica said...

@whatimeant2say - haha! would it be totally insane that I am considering spending another $100 to take the Puppy Class Part II? (Don't answer that.)

Gretchen said...

Remember the friend's dog I was telling you about? The one that got OSS from doggie daycare? She told me the other day that now he is in 'rehabilitation'. So, be comforted in the fact your dog might be a bum but at least he's not got a record.

Monica said...

@Gretchen - oh my. rehab for the dog? that is funny. no, if there is anyone in this family that we are going to pay the cost of rehab for - it's me. I could use a vacation.

WeezaFish said...

That Puppy is lucky to have you Monica, licked oven/floor cake mix and toilet water? Spoilt indeed. I have absolutely NO idea what that picture is. A cloud? A ghost, ooo! Going now ...

Monica said...

Hi Weeza! He's a nut in that he loves toilet water more than the nice, fresh, cold, CLEAN water that's in his bowl??? Hugs to you!

Mind Margins said...

Just found your post buried in my email, lost in the chemo week from hell. Congrats on puppy's graduation! Our pups are almost five now and are decidedly calmer. It does get better. No, they're still not earning their keep, but at least our human kids are, so there's that!

Monica said...

@mindmargins - despite him being a huge pain in my arse, I do love him. he is awfully cute and dumb - which makes him more lovable. I do think the teacher is probably hoping we don't enroll him in level 2, though. ;o)