I'm turning hippie but it's okay because my kid is already there.

It's been an enlightening couple of months to say the least.  Here's some of what's been happening. 

I am turning into a hippie.  Not the braless kind (you can rest easy now).  Just the kind that makes homemade $hit.

I know.  It's kinda weird.  But, don't judge (or at least hold it until the end).

I have stopped shampooing my hair.  Now, I'm only about five years late on this trend, but that's sooner than I jump on most bandwagons.  So, really I'm just in time.

Today this revolution of not shampooing my hair led to cleaning out my fridge which led to cleaning my freezer which led to discovering some meat that I swear had been in there for about three years so I'm gonna call it a win for all of us.

Yes, I have joined the "millions of women" who have said no to shampoo.  I consulted The Google and Say No To 'Poo is almost as scary and ineffective as Say No To Drugs.  All we need is Nancy heading us up (wait, is she dead?).  Had you told me a few weeks ago that I was going to do this I would have said, "Are you high?"  But, now that I am on Day 18 (more or less) it feels like I was born to do this. 

Now, usually I would say Who The F*ck Cares? and I am still inclined to say that - except for the fact that I CLEANED MY FRIDGE, Y'ALL.  And, not just half a$$ the way I usually do - y'know the wipe down while you are holding a cup of coffee?  (Or am I the only one?)  No, today was a full-on clean the freakin' fridge.  (Even the freezer - which happened to be where the suspect meat was hiding - right behind two gallons of ice cream preventing me from putting my homemade shampoo down.)

Which is more riveting for you and completely self-absorbed for me?  The fact that I am no longer shampooing or the old meat?  Okay.  I'll start with the no shampooing.  Yes, it's weird.  Yes, my hair feels like I am a short order cook for McDonald's.  Yes, I might smell a little funky.  Yes, I am still showering.  Yes, strange phenomena have been occurring all over my head.  And, it just gets crazier.

Today I made shampoo (right before I made fire and the wheel).  Say what?  Ms. DayInTheLife made shampoo?  Yes.  I did.  From coconut milk and Aloe Vera Gel.  Then I froze it (because - duh - coconut milk is perishable).  And that's where it got real.  I had no room in my freezer to put the ice trays with shampoo in them.  (If it sounds like I am high right about now, it's because I am.)  I decided then that it was time to clean out the fridge and freezer. 

Now here's the thing.  I hate to clean (a well documented fact on this blog).  I hate to clean appliances even more than stuff like toilets.  Exactly how much do I hate to clean?  Well, I'm gonna put the Last Cleaning Of The Fridge at somewhere around the time my six year old was born? 

See, I've been REALLY wanting a new fridge because this:

Yeah.  With that for a front it's just pointless to ever clean it.

Don't worry.  I keep all that yuck covered with this magnets like this:

Just like when a light is on on my dashboard and I put a little toy up there to cover it.  This method works like a charm.

But, because I needed to make room for the poo, I bit the bullet and cleaned that fridge out.  That's when I found the Old Meat.  It was liberating to throw that meat in the trash.  Heck, I don't even like meat now that I'm a hippie.  That made it even better.

And, now that the inside of the fridge is really, really clean and there is nothing in there that I didn't just buy (or make) this morning I am really feeling high (on life).  Oh, and also my earth friendly (albeit weirda$$) shampoo is in there for the next time I decide to shampoo my hair. 

Homemade shampoo in ice trays.  Did I just type that?

What could be better?  It's one of those days where I feel like I am making a difference for the world.

So, how does my kid factor into this equation?  Well, in the most unexpected way.

I got home from work last night and my six year old told me she made this for Jesus.

"It's a STAR."  (Obviously.  We knew that.)

Super!  Turns out I'm not the only one becoming a hippie in our family. 

Dear hackers: You're gonna need to build a taller wall.

Someone once said (it may have been Jack Handey), "Your valleys will be as low as your mountains are high."  And I immediately wanted to vomit in my mouth.  Until a few days ago.

When I found out (damn it) - it's true.

Sunday night I started to do paperwork for my job and found that I couldn't open a few of my files.  When I was finally able to open a few files - they were in Japanese (or something that looked like my six year old wrote it) (and, ironically, some six year old hacker in Russia probably did write it). 

I did what I often do when faced with an alarming problem that might eventually destroy my entire family, I casually mentioned it to hubby and tried my best to ignore it.

Monday morning my laptop became possessed.  And by 'possessed' I mean it acted as if someone else (let's call him The Devil) was controlling it.  I would press 'enter' and my trusty laptop would scroll to the top of the page.  I would press the scroll button and I'd end up on another site.  And all kinds of unsavory pop-ups asking me to buy enhancers were popping up. 

But, I had my oil to change, prints to complete, 27 loads of laundry to do, and basically everything that should have been done the previous three days because, um - Halloween.  So, again I reverted back to hubby.  He was incredibly patient with me while asking me a series of questions:

Is your computer plugged in?
Is your Maleware turned on?
Have you backed up your files recently?
Do you have spyware?
Have you recently scanned and deleted unnecessary files?
When was the last time you did a complete scan?
Did you send money to long-lost relatives in Africa who were in trouble???

I answered his questions to the best of my ability and then he sullenly pronounced me with an irreparable virus.

My response was something like this:

And then:

How could this have happened?  I was using protection?  Sometimes double protection.  (And - just FYI - my pleasure was not diminished by double protection.)  Are you sure?  Is it possible the files are just temporarily corrupted?  Shouldn't there be a record of them somewhere?  Y'know like how the Interweb knows what color underwear I'm wearing?  Shouldn't they also know what all my files look like?  AGAIN, HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED???  I never opened any emails from people telling me about my inheritance!!!  I SWEAR.

Calmly and patiently hubby told me how to go about "fixing" what had happened to the best of his knowledge.

This took quite a bit of time.

It was ugly.

Monday I got the ransom note from the hackers when I was attempting to delete infected files. 

The ransom note basically said:  We have  your files.  If you ever want to see them again in their unaltered form you will need to pay us one million Bitcoins (which in case you don't know is a form of currency similar to Monopoly money that people who fancy themselves to be those blue and pink little plastic people use to basically terrorize normal people) (one million Bitcoins is roughly equivalent to 500 U.S. dollars - although its value changes daily in accordance to astrological signs).

It was creepy and scary and naturally I wanted to call the police.

Instead I asked hubby:  Isn't this illegal???  Can't we sue these people and put them in jail???

Hubby patiently said:  Yes, this is illegal, but let's not involve the police.  Let's use the Google and find out what we can do. 

The next 48 hours were spent learning everything we could have ever wanted to know about a little virus called CryptoWall 2.0.  It's a nasty thing.  It's main symptoms are:  runny nose, fever, body aches.  No, wait.  That's Ebola (also a nasty little thing).  Crypto King's main symptoms are:  encrypted files, explicit pop-up messages (which albeit interesting - do get annoying), random possession of the keyboard, and basically the Devil on your shoulder.


Sidenote:  If you are (not even remotely) a techie, using the Google to research a computer virus is a little like going to a party where everyone is dressed up in Star Wars costumes (except you) and speaking a language where you understand every fifth word.   At this party you are not sure what you are supposed to be doing, so you just kind of stumble forward while everyone else is dancing wildly with abandon, having a great time, and drinking this purple juice.  You come home from the party with a bad headache feeling like you drank way too much even though you are thirsty.  You go to sleep and have nightmares about going to a party where everyone is dressed up in Star Wars costumes except you..........................................

I will lead you to the decryptor.

End of the story?  Roughly 48 hours later?

I lost everything important to my actual work while all my files like this one:  What's For Dinner?  (which included 31 Very Important dinner ideas) remained uncorrupted (of course).

I had not backed up my files in about a year. 

I know you are sitting there smugly reading this (if anyone is actually reading this) thinking, "Ms. Dayinthelife - WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  You don't back up your files?  What century do you live in?  You should have a calendar and a strict schedule for precisely these types of activities!"

What can I say?  Backing up my files is like cleaning the fridge for me.  The last time I cleaned the fridge someone had dropped a jar of pickles inside of it.  

I have no defense.  I hide my head in shame.  But, I did learn some important life lessons.

Lessons learned

1.  When in trouble it's not always necessary to call the police.  Instead consult the Google.
2.  Hackers are the parasites of humanity.
3.  Parasites are very, very smart.
4.  Back up your files and then back them up again in case your back up gets a virus.  In fact, there can never be too many back ups.
5.  Do this regularly.
6.  Ditto for protection.  You can never have too much protection.  Sometimes you need so much protection that you will never be able to just have good 'ole irresponsible fun.
7.  When all is said and done, this is a First World Problem.  There are people starving in the world who don't even have laptops.  And in that respect I am thankful to just have been hacked and not starved.
8.  I will and have survived fairly intact.  My computer has been set back to Factory Settings (Google it - it's basically like when you shot out of your mom's womb).  I am resilient.
9.  I believe what hubby says.  He and I - we are Mexicans not Mexican'ts.
10.  And last but not least, I believe the other thing hubby has told me:  It takes a lot to stop a Mexican.  Hackers will need to build a taller wall to stop us.