Friday, February 3, 2012

How To Clean A House....in Twenty-One Easy Steps

The house cleaner (who I depend on a *little* more than I should) cancelled today.  So, momma (that would be me) had to pick up a toilet brush.

How To Clean A House....in Twenty-One Easy Steps

1.  Decide to start with the bathrooms since presumably they are the nastiest.
2.  Move all of your cleaning supplies into the bathroom.
3.  After looking at the floor corners of the bathroom and the rotted baseboard under the sink, realize you might feel better about cleaning if you start with something "easier" like lightly dusting (the kind that requires no actual moving of knickknacks) the living room before attempting something actually dirty like the bathroom.
4.  Go to get the Pledge.
5.  Realize you are out of Pledge.  Blame the house cleaner (even though she has never stolen - not even money when its been left haphazardly on the counter) and curse under your breath.
6.  Skip the dusting and go back to the bathroom.
7.  Realize this task is going to take a "tasty beverage."
8.  Check the clock and realize it is too early for a beer.  Curse again (under your breath).
9.  Brew some yummy raspberry tea and sit down for a short rest.
10.  After brewing the tea, go to add some ice.  Realize you don't have ice because someone left the freezer door open all night and everything (ice included) in the ancient freezer defrosted.  Curse - this time not under your breath - and briefly wonder if your family will die from food poisoning later when you cook all the defrosted meat.  Curse again - loudly - at this thought.
11.  Drink some kinda yummy tea with no ice.
12.  Go back and assess the state of the dirty bathroom.
13.  Decide (spur of the moment) that this is going to take some elbow grease.  So, you better go work out.
14.  Work-out.
15.  Check your texts and messages to make sure the house cleaner has not texted or called to say she is on her way.
16.  Curse again (loudly and angrily) when you see she has not communicated.
17.  Go back to the bathroom.
18.  Lament the fact that cleaning takes entirely too long and too much energy.  Reaffirm your belief in house cleaners.
19.  Spray down everything in the bathroom (floors included), (with cleaners that have warnings not to mix them) so that you can come back later and just wipe everything down.
20.  Get another glass of luke warm tea and plop yourself in front of the computer to "research" new fridges.
21.  Make a firm decision (after wiping down the one downstairs bathroom) that you need a new fridge and the rest of the house can wait to be cleaned (either till you get more energy, or the house cleaner actually comes over) while you devise a way to tell hubby (possibly through a blog post?) that you want a new fridge.

That's just the way I do it.  Obviously, I am not a professional.  Hope it helps!  Have a great (hopefully cleaning-free) weekend!

6 comments:

Manic Motherhood said...

I loved this! This is exactly how I clean..which might explain the dangerous dust bunnies around my house. Your blog is hysterical, so glad you found my blog, so I could find yours!

jamiew said...

It's 12 o'clock somewhere, JELLO-SHOTS!
F*#k clean toilets.

Monica said...

@manic motherhood - yay! thanks for the read. :o) glad you liked it. @jamie - no kidding. where are the jello shots when the dirty toilets are HERE???

Anonymous said...

I am getting very frustrated with the blogger identity thingamajigger. From now, I'm just going to be Anonymous, and throw in a little Mrs. Cap'n Firepants.

I will communicate your detailed instructions to Wonderbutt.

Monica said...

@whatimeant2say - get wonderbutt ON IT. STAT. p.s. sorry 'bout blogger.

house cleaner in salt lake said...

Brilliant thoughts. You think advance.

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