Monday, March 28, 2011

Cleaning the Garage and The First Aid of Mental Disturbances

So, I've been "gone" for a while, sweet readers.  And I apologize.  It's not because I didn't want desperately to "talk" to all of you.  I did.  But, life got in the way.  The whole lice trauma set me back infinitely in my actual work, so I have spent a good deal of time playing catch-up.  I am still on a strict print schedule through Mother's Day, so I will have to make the next couple of posts short and sweet (which for me is damn near impossible).  Believe me, I have such insanity brewing over here (which you will read about in a short few seconds) that I am going to totally make it up to you.

Yesterday my hubby was doing his annual garage clean-up.  Our garage (in case you've never actually seen it) is a scary place.  A dead body could easily be buried in there and no one would ever be the wiser.  It is quite plainly - - a huge mess.  Hubby seems to get around to cleaning it round about when I flatly refuse to enter it any longer and he needs to still eat (our deep freeze is located in the back of the garage). 

I love my husband dearly.  We have been married for over 20 years.  So I can say with all confidence that he will not divorce me for telling you.........he is quite disorganized and has a habit of NEVER PUTTING ANYTHING BACK WHERE IT GOES.

This leads to constant chaos and disorganization.

Back to yesterday.  I took a quick trip sans kids to pick up a new bedroom comforter set (which I could quite possibly be falling love with).  Well, since I had no kids I had to pick up a few other things as well.  So, when I rolled in the driveway a few hours later (with a very snazzy new outfit) I could not really pull-in because everything that had previously been in the garage, was haphazardly thrown in the driveway.  All the kids were covered in a grimy film, the two-year old was sitting in the filthy (yet empty) garage and had what appeared to be motor oil on her church dress, the six year old was sweeping, the other boy and girl child were wandering aimlessly looking like children of war, and hubby was barking orders.

Four hours later everything was being moved back into the clean garage, the kids were starving and exhausted, hubby was HOT (and sweaty), miraculously the automatic garage door opener (which has been broken since the last Garage Clean Out) was working, and, most importantly -  I was the proud finder of a little gem that I am going to share with you now (because I like you).  This Little Gem was my dad's (according to hubby) and I just cannot believe I found it yesterday in the filthy garage.

Do you remember when I shared the following post with you and near the end quoted from a Little Gem of a recipe book?   Well, this Little Gem is on par with that one.  It is called, Johnson & Johnson FIRST AID GUIDE.  It, unfortunately, does not have a copyright date or a copyright, but I am thinking that since my dad is 94 this nifty guide must have been published somewhere around the 1950's.

So, here are the "emergencies" that peeps were concerned with in the 50's (non-comprehensively):  Resuscitation, Life-threatening bleeding, Broken Bones, Burns, Shock, and Electric Shock (complete contents inside cover).  And here is the helpful saying that is printed at the bottom of the front cover "The important thing about First Aid is to....Learn IT NOW!"  Right?  Who can argue that?  Which could be why this great little guide is still super appropriate and not only did I move it to the house, I read it to my hubby immediately upon finding it.  (And, yes, he so appreciated that.)

Upon reading the major emergencies I was hooked.  I had to know what ELSE peeps were concerned with back then.  I skipped to the index.  I wasn't surprised to read (and this is NOT comprehensive - just what caught my attention):  Black widow (spider bite), mouth to mouth breathing (snicker), suffocation (plastic bag) (what do I always tell the kids???), childbirth (emergency) - well, phew, they knew all about that even back then, frostbite, head injury, mental disturbances (so, that intrigued me).......

Page 21(and I am quoting directly)

HAD to read the whole page to hubby (which, again, I cannot tell you how appreciative he was)....


  • Call a physician or relative of the disturbed person immediately (it goes on to say that you should call the police if these other people cannot be reached).
  • Treat the person with respect, however he reacts to you.
  • Divert the person's attention away from anything that might be harmful to him or others (e.g., try to shift his thinking from destructive to protective acts, from antagonism to cooperation).
  • Be patient, kind, and reassuring.
  • Be firm in your attitude toward the person.
  • Do not argue with the disturbed person.
  • Do not assume a harsh, authoritative role with the person.
  • Do not physically hold unless the person seems likely to injure himself or others.
Basically a dealing with a "mental disturbance" in the 50's is also like dealing with the entire toddler years.  Oh, and possibly pre-teen, teen years.....AND quite possibly like dealing with your mate.  (I also pointed that out to hubby.  Again, he thanked me.)  I SOOOOOOOOOO wish I had time to publish for you the entire book.  It's so helpful.  I will just share with you one more topic before I sign off.  It is Epileptic Seizure (because I actually learned something new, well, a few new things) - my own words are italicized:

An epileptic seizure is not a medical emergency (It's not?  Well, then why is it in the book???)  The seizure usually ends of itself after a few minutes.  If the seizure should last longer than 15 minutes, call a physician (seems in 1950 you could actually "call a physician" and talk to a real, live physician).

  • Do not restrain.
  • Do not slap (I am speechless.)
  • Do not douse with water (Seriously?)
  • Do not place a finger or hard object between the teeth.  (Say what???  Okay, is this before the current medical belief about a wallet?  Is a wallet a "hard object?"

  • Remove objects that might injure patient.
Sunday - yesterday - all in all - a huge success.  Garage clean, new bedroom linens, new dress, and a great read.  ;o)  That's all for now, peeps.  Have a great Monday.  And should you have an emergency - give me a call - I am infinitely prepared.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Spring Break 2011

Sorry, I am dismally writer blocked, so excuse the title.  AND you are going to have to excuse the list as well.  So, basically if you are still reading - - you are a sucker.

What I Love and Hate About Spring Break

1.  Facebook.  I get to see what all my "friends" are doing for Spring Break that I am not. 
2.  My irrational desire to solve my home and life problems in seven days.
3.  Waking up early when there is no need.
4.  Early morning runs while it's still dark.
5.  The corny things my kids say all day long. 
6.  Beer whenever I feel like it.
7.  Endless trips to Goodwill.
8.  That I gave up cussing for Lent (well, tried to) and the kids keep making me cuss.
9.  That Lent is over Spring Break???  The Big Man apparently gives no breaks.
10.  That I got a smart phone right before Spring Break and it's now sucking time from my real spring break.  What?  I know.

I would be politically and socially remiss if I did not say, "I am the comic relief."  Peace.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

When Mom is the Ex Terminator, You Might Want to Jump Ship

OR How Potty Training Got Postponed....Indefinitely.

Well, I'm back.  Did you miss me?  Did you notice I have been gone???  Unfortunately I was not vacationing in Tahiti because my husband won the lotto and booked a romantic getaway in order for us to recover from the pure hell that has been 2011.  No, I was doing something much less glamorous, a little dehumanizing, and possibly the most tedious task on the planet.  I was ridding my household of LICE.

Disclaimers:  If you have a weak stomach, and don't want to itch for the remainder of the day, you may want to stop reading now.  If I have told a half truth to you within the past week - I regret having to do that.  Lice carries a stigma similar to getting $hit on your shoes - It is not really your fault, but people treat you as if you should have been able to prevent it from happening.  Many, many people are misinformed about lice which could be because I was able to find (after hours and hours of research on the net) conflicting information about it often in the same article.  So, if I flat out lied to you - again, I regret having to do that.  Trust me - you are still alive, so it didn't do you much damage.  ;o)

Okay, so let's rewind to last Monday when my world spun Out Of Control.  Just a tad of history - I WAS/AM TERRIFIED OF LICE.  See:  I have had a 20 year fear of lice - so lifelong - (due to my years in public education dealing with many students who had lice), although I have never had it - nor had any of my kids.  So, last Monday when my middle girl child asked if I could check her for lice (after we were all bathed and ready for bed) and I said yes, you cannot imagine my HORROR and disbelief when I checked and she had lice.  Now, it was only later that I read on the net, as a parent of a child who has lice, "DON'T PANIC OR CAUSE YOUR CHILD TO PANIC."  So, I promptly shrieked obscenities and went on to terrorize my entire family.

Now, if I were to tell you everything that has ensued since then it would basically fill a book (incidentally - "Lice" is SO going to be a chapter in my parenting book, and I think the only appropriate place would be right after Projectile Vomiting), so I am just going to do what I do best which is give you a list which I have entitled (creatively):

What I Have Learned About Lice

1.  Turns out "nit-picking" and "let's go through this with a fine-tooth comb" have literal meanings.  Who knew???
2.  If you think you spend all your time doing laundry now, I am here to tell you - you don't.  Buck up, don't complain and do the damn laundry.  Be thankful no one in your family has lice and you aren't doing 14-16 loads/day.
3.  Tip your hairdresser well.  You may one day call him (crying a little hysterically), explain to him that your family has lice and could he come over and buzz cut everyone.
4.  Ridding a girl, with a LOT OF HAIR, of lice may cause all her teeth to rot due to the amount of candy she will consume while being heavily bribed to sit still and endure head checks for four hours +.......for 21 days.
5.  If someone in your family has lice, all other family members will believe they also have lice, (whether they do or not.)  This is like a form of psychological terror.  Not only will all members believe they have lice, they will be concerned about a plethora of other conditions ranging from scabies to cancer.  This will cause many Google searches and education in a variety of diseases.
6.  After all the research I have done, I could basically take a test on lice right now and pass it and possibly become an entomologist or exterminator.
7.  "Experts" apparently love to tell you (via the net) that "lice is not life threatening."  What they don't tell you is that the psychological state that ensues from having to launder bedding, vacuum carpets and furniture, sweep and mop floors, disinfect anything that goes in the hair, monitor all children so that they are not on couches, on other's beds, next to each other, or touching the hair of anyone else, AND do daily headchecks on all household members for 21 days IS life threatening.  All that might cause a psychological break which could endanger the life of the mother AND the family.
8.  I believe governments might use lice in germ warfare.  Apparently they are virtually indestructible and as I have stated, in terms of psychological terror and torture, lice is right up there with water boarding in my book (and, no, I've not been water boarded yet, but there's a lot of 2011 left).
9.  Here are the things that have happened to our family since New Year's Day (sublist!!!):
  • My hubby spent a good part of January "adjusting" - and not "pleasantly" - to a new job.
  • Our washing machine broke.  We fixed it.
  • Our transmission went out in the van.  We fixed it.
  • Hubby totaled the van with the new transmission.
  • We found out we were grossly under insured on said totaled van.
  • We all got the flu.
  • We had a lice infestation.
Yeah, so I know there's war breaking out on the other side of the world, but c'mon people.  It's not been a good year for us.  Of all these things....LICE has been the worst.
10.  Potty training is an enigma wrapped in a puzzle.  Somehow through the drama of this past week, baby has started to voluntarily pee in the potty.  ?????  WHADDUP WITH THAT????

That's all I got, peeps.  I am frankly frightened to see what next week might bring.  If you are the person with the voodoo dolls of my family:  WE GIVE UP.