Wednesday, March 2, 2011

When Mom is the Ex Terminator, You Might Want to Jump Ship

OR How Potty Training Got Postponed....Indefinitely.

Well, I'm back.  Did you miss me?  Did you notice I have been gone???  Unfortunately I was not vacationing in Tahiti because my husband won the lotto and booked a romantic getaway in order for us to recover from the pure hell that has been 2011.  No, I was doing something much less glamorous, a little dehumanizing, and possibly the most tedious task on the planet.  I was ridding my household of LICE.

Disclaimers:  If you have a weak stomach, and don't want to itch for the remainder of the day, you may want to stop reading now.  If I have told a half truth to you within the past week - I regret having to do that.  Lice carries a stigma similar to getting $hit on your shoes - It is not really your fault, but people treat you as if you should have been able to prevent it from happening.  Many, many people are misinformed about lice which could be because I was able to find (after hours and hours of research on the net) conflicting information about it often in the same article.  So, if I flat out lied to you - again, I regret having to do that.  Trust me - you are still alive, so it didn't do you much damage.  ;o)

Okay, so let's rewind to last Monday when my world spun Out Of Control.  Just a tad of history - I WAS/AM TERRIFIED OF LICE.  See:  I have had a 20 year fear of lice - so lifelong - (due to my years in public education dealing with many students who had lice), although I have never had it - nor had any of my kids.  So, last Monday when my middle girl child asked if I could check her for lice (after we were all bathed and ready for bed) and I said yes, you cannot imagine my HORROR and disbelief when I checked and she had lice.  Now, it was only later that I read on the net, as a parent of a child who has lice, "DON'T PANIC OR CAUSE YOUR CHILD TO PANIC."  So, I promptly shrieked obscenities and went on to terrorize my entire family.

Now, if I were to tell you everything that has ensued since then it would basically fill a book (incidentally - "Lice" is SO going to be a chapter in my parenting book, and I think the only appropriate place would be right after Projectile Vomiting), so I am just going to do what I do best which is give you a list which I have entitled (creatively):

What I Have Learned About Lice

1.  Turns out "nit-picking" and "let's go through this with a fine-tooth comb" have literal meanings.  Who knew???
2.  If you think you spend all your time doing laundry now, I am here to tell you - you don't.  Buck up, don't complain and do the damn laundry.  Be thankful no one in your family has lice and you aren't doing 14-16 loads/day.
3.  Tip your hairdresser well.  You may one day call him (crying a little hysterically), explain to him that your family has lice and could he come over and buzz cut everyone.
4.  Ridding a girl, with a LOT OF HAIR, of lice may cause all her teeth to rot due to the amount of candy she will consume while being heavily bribed to sit still and endure head checks for four hours +.......for 21 days.
5.  If someone in your family has lice, all other family members will believe they also have lice, (whether they do or not.)  This is like a form of psychological terror.  Not only will all members believe they have lice, they will be concerned about a plethora of other conditions ranging from scabies to cancer.  This will cause many Google searches and education in a variety of diseases.
6.  After all the research I have done, I could basically take a test on lice right now and pass it and possibly become an entomologist or exterminator.
7.  "Experts" apparently love to tell you (via the net) that "lice is not life threatening."  What they don't tell you is that the psychological state that ensues from having to launder bedding, vacuum carpets and furniture, sweep and mop floors, disinfect anything that goes in the hair, monitor all children so that they are not on couches, on other's beds, next to each other, or touching the hair of anyone else, AND do daily headchecks on all household members for 21 days IS life threatening.  All that might cause a psychological break which could endanger the life of the mother AND the family.
8.  I believe governments might use lice in germ warfare.  Apparently they are virtually indestructible and as I have stated, in terms of psychological terror and torture, lice is right up there with water boarding in my book (and, no, I've not been water boarded yet, but there's a lot of 2011 left).
9.  Here are the things that have happened to our family since New Year's Day (sublist!!!):
  • My hubby spent a good part of January "adjusting" - and not "pleasantly" - to a new job.
  • Our washing machine broke.  We fixed it.
  • Our transmission went out in the van.  We fixed it.
  • Hubby totaled the van with the new transmission.
  • We found out we were grossly under insured on said totaled van.
  • We all got the flu.
  • We had a lice infestation.
Yeah, so I know there's war breaking out on the other side of the world, but c'mon people.  It's not been a good year for us.  Of all these things....LICE has been the worst.
10.  Potty training is an enigma wrapped in a puzzle.  Somehow through the drama of this past week, baby has started to voluntarily pee in the potty.  ?????  WHADDUP WITH THAT????

That's all I got, peeps.  I am frankly frightened to see what next week might bring.  If you are the person with the voodoo dolls of my family:  WE GIVE UP.


Shannon said...

OK my head itches from even thinking about lice. YUCK! Did the hair dresser to come to your house? Are you still going to Hairtallica? And why the heck can I see his face in my head but not come up with his name??? I really need to see him this summer. The bottom three inches are mousy blond and the other 8 inches of my hair is an odd red due to my midlife freak out last year and swimming in a poorly maintained pool here. Red hair dye on blond hair+ chlorine = one fugly color. In no way is this a good look.

SO are you telling Malcolm that vaginas have teeth?

Monica said...

@shannon - OMG. i laughed SOOOOO hard at her post. she is HILARIOUS. unfortunately i did not think of Vagina Have Teeth. m. already knows and to quote him, "yeah, yeah, mom. the sperm the egg, blah, blah, blah." his name is terry and i love him. he was so great. girls all now have cute bobs, he didn't need to clipper m. b/c he found nothing. and me he just trimmed because i am psychotic. ;o) jae wanted to video it, but baby is now traumatized by anything hair related, so i wouldn't let her. ;o)

jamiew said...

I see a "date-night" in our future. (without our husbands)

Monica said...

@jamie - date night, baby. bring it. unfortunately ed is saying the same thing. in fact, he may find this whole lice thing sexy........okay. let me rephrase that. is there anything he DOESN'T eventually find sexy?

a pair of pettijohns said...

we haven't had lice {yet} but we've had fleas. in our house, on our bed, in my babies crib, on our couch, in our rugs...i literally thought i was going to go certifiably INSANE.

i feel ya, sister. we have felt the itch and it's no way to live. infestations should NOT be allowed to happen to clean people.

here's wishing you & all the little heads in your households a happy & itch free march!

Jessica said...

I finally got to read this all the way through! LMAO! Oh I love it, love it! And we both now have Lice posts on our blogs. What fun - we're like twins! ;p Pyschological warfare it is indeed! We even are itchy UP the hill! ;)

Shannon said...

Jae make that three for three on the lice posts. I did one back in Germany when the boys got them and the stupid school policy was Lice=one week no school and a Dr.s note to get back in to school. Seriously they don't joke around about lice.

Monica I want pictures of the cute bobs!

Monica said...

oh, ladies. i am so happy to not be the only lice blogger. @my fav pettijohn - i think fleas, lice, and bedbugs are all pretty insanity inducing infestations. ;o) i wish a bug-free remainder of 2011 on us all. AND i do not wish bugs on clean OR dirty peeps. ;o) since my kids have been known to be dirty peeps once in a while. ;o)

Joan said...

I just got around to reading your post on lice at 01:45 a.m. Sorry, Monica but it was so funny! Glad you are lice free in your household, now. The only thing I have to compare to this is, I had scabies when we were stationed in the Philippines. That's another story!