Thanksgiving Edition (in which I flip the bird)

(photo credit:  mattalltrades.blogspot.com.)  

It's like six days away from all of us sticking our hands up a bird's cavity at some ungodly hour in remembrance of Pilgrims and Indians Native Americans.  Is it safe to say you guys are all past this advice:  Buy the turkey, don't run into it?  Defrost the turkey?  Don't get salmonella?  Make sure the oven's on?

So, I decided since you guys clepped out of that drivel you might need some real tips to help take your Thanksgiving to the proverbial 'next level' (let's hope it's not the burning ring of hell level).

You're welcome.

Here we go.

1.  Read this.  It has nothing to do with Thanksgiving, but I'm thinking of making it my About Me page. 

2.  Thanksgiving is stressful, but it pales in comparison to the next 30 days.  So, instead of those name plates from paper you wove yourself, give everyone a shiny party blower and some fireworks.  It's kinda like the last day of summer (except you might not want to wear a bathing suit).

3.  And don't wear a costume either.  It confuses your guests.

4.  I'm an introvert (see #1).  But, damn it if like four of the five people in my inner circle have birthdays near Thanksgiving.  Sucks for them because they get Turkey Surprise! for their birthday dinner and their presents all come wrapped for Christmas.  Try to avoid making friends with these people.

5.  Don't eat turkey before Thanksgiving.  I recommend leaving approximately 364 days in between the times you eat turkey.

6.  Become a vegetarian and go gluten free right before Thanksgiving.  This will annoy the crap out of everyone you know thereby greatly relieving your stress.  You will have no family and friends left to dine with on the big day.

7.  When you cook the bird, flip it.  I did this completely by accident about 20 years ago.  It was my first turkey (I think I can tell you that, right?) and I had no idea what kind of protection to use, where to put my hands, what went in where, or which way was up.  Everyone raved at how smart I was because the breast? thigh? wing?  testicles? came out so juicy and moist because they were left to simmer in their own juices.  (I have no idea what I'm talking about, but it sounds like we're ready for #8.)

8.  Any mistake can be covered up with a "delicious gravy."  (This tip I actually stole from NPR.) 

This is what "delicious gravy" looks like.  I think you can find it on aisle 10.

Author's Note:  Turns out this isn't entirely true.  "Delicious gravy" does not remove gum from the dryer.

9.  Hubby knows a little rhyming joke about pumpkin pie (circa The Bible - or when he was in middle school).  As much as I cringe when I hear the joke I cannot get it out of my mind and it goes without saying that I cannot eat pumpkin pie.  Unless there is a lot of whip cream.  Or just whip cream.  Straight from the can into my mouth.  And a shot for my coffee.

(photo credit:  gumblestump.com)  That's about right.

10.  Alcohol.  If possible start drinking it right after your first pot of coffee (which will be at about 5 in the morning if you are cooking a 20 pound bird and want to eat while you are still upright).

11.  If you need a new foundation (or I would venture to say any home repair costing more than a grand), consider frying your turkey.

12.  If you have kids, you may need to brush up on Sqanto and the Wampanogs, so you can appropriately discuss this at the dinner table (you might want to follow that with The Trail of Tears just so that everyone is sufficiently depressed and so that there is an edge of reality to your history).  (Hint:  Wampanog is not a verb as in:  I'm gonna wampanog your a$$ if you don't make your bed.)

14.  Just in case there is not enough tryptophan in your turkey this year, I recommend crushing up sleeping pills in the stuffing.  This will ensure you can watch Not Football on TV.  

15.  This came from NPR, too:  When all else fails there is always The Google.  I've used this search before 'Restaurants open on Thanksgiving this year.'

Have a good one and I'll save you a piece of pie (or the whole pie).

Turtle Wax? No, I'll take the Brazilian.

So, just in case your to-do list looks like mine - I have a little Christmas hilarity for you.  I feel compelled and completely justified putting that in LARGE letters.  Take a time-out from your shopping, card writing (If you need my address - leave a comment.), baking, eating, and drinking heavily (non-alcoholic, of course, it's still before 12:00).  Grab a cup-of-joe and read on.

Backtrack to a few days ago (it took me that long to stop laughing and find the laptop under the load of Christmas crap decorations that are covering all the freaking tables in my house) when hubby was out seeing patients with his supervisor (to be referred to as Virginia - name changed to protect the innocent).  Often when he is out seeing patients, the TV in the house is on.  On occasion hubby will tell me about something he "saw on TV while at a patients house."  So, I wasn't really fascinated when he started telling me about seeing a spot about "waxing" on The View.

I think my exact thought was, "Oh, really?  Fascinating."

UNTIL he said (quite nonchalantly), "Do you know what a Brazilian wax is?" 

Now, at that point many things (none of them fit to print) went through my head, but what I managed to say was:  Ah, yes.  Why?  (NOT entirely wanting to know.)

Hubby:  (Now giggling and sporting a grin like a teenager.)  Well, I didn't.

Me:  YOU DIDN'T???  Oh my GAWD.  What exactly happened?  Did they do a BRAZILIAN WAXING ON THE VIEW???

Hubby:  Well, no.  Not exactly.

Me:  WELL WHAT EXACTLY?  DO YOU KNOW WHAT A BRAZILIAN WAX IS NOW?  WHY AM I FRIGHTENED FOR HOW THIS STORY ENDS??? 

Hubby (Now giggling a little more.):  Well, yeah.  I think I know now.  Virginia explained it to me.

Me:  Oh God.  Tell me no.  What happened exactly?

Hubby:  Well, I could just hear the TV.  And I HEARD that they were talking about waxing on The View and like I said I didn't really know what Brazilian waxing was.  So, I just assumed they meant like waxing.  Like waxing a car.  So, when I happened to actually look over at the TV, there was like I guess a commercial.  And it was a guy waxing his car.  So, I said (out loud), "What's a Brazilian wax?"

Me:  YOU SAID IT OUT LOUD TO EVERYONE???  WHAT DID THEY SAY???

Hubby:  Well, no one really said anything.  So, I kind of figured they didn't know either.  And, then grandma kind of smirked.  So, then I said, "Is it like a really special kind of car wax?" 

Me:  Oh, please.  Tell me you didn't.

Hubby:  (Now laughing quite out loud.)  Well, yeah.  I did.  Then everyone started laughing pretty hard.  Then Virginia said while chuckling, "I'll tell you later, it's not really appropriate to talk about right now."

Me:  Oh my God.  WHAT DID YOU THINK WHEN SHE SAID THAT???

Hubby:  (STILL LAUGHING.)  Well, I figured it wasn't a special kind of car wax!!!

Later, after they left the patient's home, Virginia told hubby the barest (no pun intended) definition of a Brazilian wax.  I had to complete the picture (not literally because that would make me and you vomit) for him right then as he was telling me the story.  As soon as I had filled in the details (so to speak) for him we were both laughing so hard it was impossible to continue talking about how horrible the situation had been. 

Here's what makes this story so great:

1.  Between hubby and me, I am decidedly the naive one.  So, score one for me.
2.  I stick my foot in my mouth on an almost daily basis, while hubby is just known all around as a jokester/prankster/middle school humor man.  So, he constantly reminds me of times when I have inserted said foot in mouth.  Bring it on, hubby.  You will be hearing about this fo'eva!
3.  It's just damn funny and I cannot resist a good laugh. 

I know, so junior highish.  Sorry.  I blame The View.  Happy shopping, and if you are out and about and decide to treat your car to a Christmas wax, don't forget to ask for the BRAZILIAN!

'Tis the season to get bloated (Sing that - it makes for a much better blog title.)

So, it's that time of year where everyone from Heloise to Dr. Oz wants to give you their take on "how not to get fat from now till my birthday" (January 20th and I like beer, chocolate, and large purses).  Just once, I would like to see an honest article on Holiday Weight Gain.  Last year I wrote a tongue in cheek post on Holiday Weight Gain.  This year I am just going to simply state why STAYING SKINNY NOW DOESN'T WORK.  I am not a doctor, a weight management professional, or a nutritionist, but I love to eat and my brain works (as far as I know - most of the time) so I think I am qualified to write this.

1.  Many nutrition gurus suggest continuing your normal exercise routine or if possible increasing it this time of year.  This doesn't work and there are a few reasons why.  Who has time to exercise on a normal basis?  Not many people.  In fact, in the article I read one of the tips was to do tummy tucks while you are standing in line (presumably waiting in the buffet line).  For real?  What I understand when I read that is:  YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO EXERCISE.  NOT BEFORE AND NOT NOW.  AND - while you are waiting in the buffet line you should be enjoying a delicious Christmas cocktail and talkin' to your man.  I will just say one more thing:  if you have time to exercise now, you better check your "to do" list.  If "Buy A Day In The Life a Christmas present" is not on your to-do list - add it.  Stat.  And then get busy shopping for me instead of trying to find time to exercise.

2.  Another suggestion I've seen is to "limit yourself."  Now, I am just not sure I understand this one.  The article referenced above suggests filling one plate (at the buffet) and then not going near the food table again.  That just sounds like cruel and unusual punishment to me.  I like to make many trips to the buffet, sample everything, and do a noteworthy plate balancing act in the process.

3.  "Curbing your appetite" also seems to be a popular notion.  It is suggested that you eat a "handful of nuts" and possibly drink a glass of water before heading out to a holiday party.  I love the idea of eating a handful of nuts.  But, what I want with a handful of nuts (and might I suggest spicy hot peanuts) is a cold beer.  Then, I might want some nachos and another beer.  THEN, I would be ready to go the party!

4.  "Accepting mistakes" is popular.  In other words, if you fall off the wagon - don't waste time feeling guilty, just hop back on!  As a general principle, I really don't have an objection to this one.  But, consider this - if you keep falling off the wagon, it may be time to walk.

5.  Now the article I referenced above specifically suggested "Calming down."  This one is just nuts.  The holidays do not allow for "calming down."  My to-do list is a mile long and I am still blogging.  Calm down?  How about a donut and another cup of coffee?  Now, that's more like it!

6.  The article I read also suggested carrying snacks with you for when you are out-and-about where healthy snacks might not be offered.  I am all for carrying snacks with you.  Some that I suggest for the holidays are:  Christmas cookies (you never want those to go bad and have to throw them away), hot spicy peanuts referenced above (Although drinking alcohol in public is not sanctioned by me or this blog.  Are Christmas parties public?), dark chocolate chips, and chili-lime Cheetos (my nine year old son just introduced me to those).

7.  Professionals also like to warn against falling into the "trap" of thinking that weight gain now is okay since in January you can always go on a diet.  Frankly, I fell into that trap a long time ago..............and I like it here!  It makes resolutions soooooooo much easier!

8.  Several articles I read suggested keeping a log of what you are eating.  Again, this is questionable on so many levels.  Sub-list:

a.  Do you have time for a log?  If so, leave me a comment and I will send you some of my to-do list items.
b.  Do you really want to know what you are eating???  It could lead to more than a weight issue.  Trust me.
c.  If you simply must keep a log, maybe you should keep it on a concrete tablet (like Moses) so that you can kill two birds with one stone (figuratively and possibly literally as well) - curbing your appetite AND exercise.  And, YES, that is SARCASM.

9.  Many professionals suggest that you be mindful of snacking during holiday cooking.  I really take objection to this one.  What's one of the best parts of holiday cooking?  SNACKING while you do it!  Who doesn't want to snack on cheesy popcorn and have a nice glass of wine while making Christmas cookies???  Thinking about it just makes me want to belt out a line of "White Christmas."

10.  Another popular suggestion seems to be sending holiday party leftovers home with family and friends.  Remember this works two ways.  I am the family and friends with whom you need to send leftovers home.

That's my explanation of why staying trim during the holidays is worthless.  Don't think about it!  You will be happy while others will be miserable.  Enjoy, friends!  Know that I will be with you January 1 when we have a lot to resolve!

It's all downhill from here, baby.

So, it's that really awkward time between Thanksgiving and December 1.  That in-between time is like a rebound man.  You don't really want to make a commitment to anything, and yet you want to try something new, fun, and exciting.  And, it's Cyber Monday so in a way I am compelled to be "on" the computer 24/7 to see what deals I might be missing and I am kinda wanting to try something new and exciting out on you (don't worry - I'll be gentle).  Since these are strange days (we have exactly two more to get through until December 1 when we can officially begin waiting for Santa or Jesus - or both), I thought I would give you a totally random list of possibly Novemberish/Decemberish items - because that's how I roll.

Totally Random List of Crap You Don't Care About Fascinating Things You Didn't Know You Cared About

1.  I gained about 200 pounds over the Thanksgiving holiday (and that is just an estimate - it could be more).  Jillian is now going to own me.  As in, "I will be her bee-atch."  Worry about me.  THIS did NOT keep me from buying the industrial size ("makes SIX batches") Ghirardelli Dark Chocolate Brownie Mix at Costco today.  I quickly justified it by saying it was less than $2.00/batch.  WHAT A STEAL!!!  Call me crazy.  I am ensuring resolutions come January 1.
2.  I keep waiting for the three year old to turn into a sweet, loving child.  Apparently this is not going to happen.  Over the holiday this fact *may have* hit me front and center.  I'm looking into a refund.
3.  I believe Black Friday is a conspiracy wherein retailers incrementally raise prices all year long so that no one really notices only to lower them BACK down to where they originally were on Black Friday and THEN they sell that to you as an "awesome deal."  It should be called Screw the Consumer.  I *may* tell myself this in order to make myself feel better when reading status updates about how many deals people are finding while I am sitting at home drinking hot coffee in my pajamas nursing a hangover.
4.  We set up the tree, decorated the yard (if you can call three reindeer with lights laying beside them "decorating the yard"), decorated the house, and basically rang in Christmas with little to no family dysfunction.  I am still waiting for the "other shoe to drop."  On my head.
5.  I do not understand the fascination with Twilight.  Although I did discover s'more martinis on someones Twilight status update and that discovery might have redeemed all the disgustingly gratuitous Twilight status updates.
6.  I am once again tempted to tell my kids that I Am Santa. 
7.  You can't find Jesus at the mall and take pictures with him.  This is actually one that Girl 2 said to me the other day.  To which I replied, "You are right.  I don't think you can."  I've been thinking about it ever since.  Possibly because I am now picturing a person dressed as Jesus sitting at the mall and a long line of kids waiting to have their pictures taken with him.  With Him.  Him?  See?  It'll make you think now, too.
8.  I still send Christmas cards (if you don't get one remember that my blog is mostly true).  Last year I received from others the least amount of cards on record (I even had to count the one from my dentist - who still sends a card).  Either I am getting less and less popular or people are not sending cards as much anymore.  I'm really hoping it's the second one.
9.  I will be wearing a 70's dress I purchased at Goodwill to hubby's Christmas party this year.  It's okay.  Don't worry.  Remember I said I was thankful for peeps that have good taste because I don't?  Well, one of those peeps approved it.  When I was shopping at Goodwill I was under the assumption the party theme was "70's."  Why else would I be at Goodwill buying a 70's dress???  (Wait.  On second thought - don't answer that.)  After I purchased the dress, hubby told me they decided to not go with a theme.  At first I said, "Damn."  Now, I am pee pants excited to be wearing a Goodwill dress to a posh hotel.  Weird.  I know.
10.  It may be time to finish my kids' stockings.  I am not crafty.  In fact, I like to call myself the anti-Craft.  Kind of like the anti-Christ, but less scary.  I not only am not good at crafts, I hate them.  When I fancied myself crafty (about 20 years ago) I started some Christmas stockings for "some kids."  Weird again.  I know.  I don't know if I was thinking of someday having kids or I was just thinking of orphans.  At any rate, these are the stockings my kids have now and they are in various stages of "done."  Every year the kids say, "When are you going to finish these, mom?"  Every year I say, "Beats the hell out of me.  Probably never."  This may be the year.  Then again, it may not.

That's my list, sweet readers.  Try to survive this murky time and I hope to see you on the Other Side on December 1.  Peace (and good tidings, if you must).

Happy Easter

On the menu for tomorrow: spiral ham, candied sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, asparagus (which is a new one for our family) with bacon-carmelized onion sauce, deviled eggs, and strawberry something or other for dessert. Yummy. Today Ed made potato salad with fried potatoes. Who would of thought? Of course, it was DELICIOUS. So, I am not worried about the challenges of tomorrow. If it's all ready at the same time - even better. Happy Easter!