I wrote an acrostic poem for my dog. Because he brings out the artist in me. Or something like that.

B - Bursitis.  Because he has given me that in my shoulder.

A - Always wants what I'm eating.

N - Neurotic.

D - Difficult.  About everything.

I - Illogical (contrary to the principles of logic).  As in:  Desperately wants me to take him on a run.  Will not sit still so that I can put on the leash.  Cries when I leave him behind.  Cheesus.

T - Tortured.  By all the animals in our creek who have learned precisely the location of his electric fence boundary.  

Our first child graduated! The job prospects don't look too good, and peeing or pooping on the floor is still a possibility. But no one ever said parenting was easy, right?

Anyone want to adopt a recent graduate?

So, puppy graduated from Puppy School Friday night.  (Or as hubby has become fond of saying, "He finally got his dog-torate.)  (I didn't say the jokes were good.)



1.  Around 3:00 p.m. on Friday - approximately four hours before the graduation ceremony, I started to feel guilty about not baking puppy a cake, or sending out invitations to his graduation (*maybe* I'd been drinking).  But, Lady Luck was on my side! 

Coincidentally I was baking three cakes (my human children were having a fundraiser the next day).  As usual, I tried to burn the house down while making the cakes.  This resulted in a lot of gooey cake batter pouring out of the oven door and spilling onto the floor.  This resulted in a Huge Clean Up.....and a trip to the store for more beer.

Thankfully, puppy was playing outside while the smoke alarms were sounding and billowing black smoke mixed with brown sugar and butter was oozing out of my 350 degree oven.

Where's the Lady Luck part?  You ask. 

When puppy came in he licked every surface of my closed oven door and drawer and the entire surface area of the wood floor on which my stove sits.............obsessively for about two hours.   AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND, I let him!  Because I owed him. 

THEN, I let him wash it all down with some delicious toilet water!  I'm pretty sure he had a huge grin on his face.

Puppy, you are welcome!  Happy Graduation!

2.  In the Yukon Cornelius on the way to the ceremony I was telling the family about how puppy just loves Cheez Whiz and that we should have gotten him some for his graduation.  I then told them about how the vet feeds puppy Cheez Whiz on a tongue depressor when she needs to do something to him. 

Girl 1 said, "Oh, you mean like when she needs to put a tongue depressor in his mouth?"

I said, "Um.  No."

Girl 3 said, "Oh, you mean like when he does something good."

I said, "Um.  No."

Girl 1 said, "So, when does the vet do that exactly?"

I said, "Y'know?  Like when she needs to stick something up his butt.  Like a thermometer."

Most of the Yukon Cornelius' passengers snickered after that quite loudly.

Then hubby said (snickering the loudest), "Well, I like Cheez Whiz, a lot, too....................but, I am not falling for that trick."

I think we all felt closer to hubby after that.  So, thank you hubby.

3.  Since puppy went from birth to graduation in eight months, I did not have time to make him a scrapbook documenting every milestone he has passed.  (Plus, I really didn't want my last two human children to be jealous since they only have one page scrapbooks themselves which basically document the fact that they were indeed born.) 

I think it's okay though because during the graduation I took about 8000 photos with my phone and they all look like this:

Can you tell what the f*ck that is?  No, me neither.

So, clearly he's an ungrateful bastard when it comes to memories and important milestones.

4.  I think my four year old might be ready to graduate pretty soon. 

Puppy knows about one command (sit) to about the 50th percentile  mark when compared to other border collie mutts his own age.  And he was able to graduate in the State of Texas (apparently otherwise known as the State of Poor Testing Standards).  And the chance that he will be within the 50th percent of obeying this command increases exponentially (if I may be so brave as to use a word that I don't fully understand) if you are holding a bacon treat.

This got me thinking - Girl 3 might be pretty close to graduating herself! 

She knows about one command (the actual command depends on her mood, how much sleep she's had, what distractions are present, and other sundry factors) to about the 50th percentile mark when compared to other mischievous four year old girls who think they are diva queens.  The chance that she will be in the 50th percent of obeying your command increases exponentially if you are holding a brand new Barbie in your hand and threatening her with loss of technology while simultaneously promising to buy her the new Barbie.

Graduation, for another child - here we come!!!

5.  I'm afraid we might look like a lot of other parents who just had recent graduates.  Disappointingly, despite one of our children having completed a major accomplishment, life looks pretty much the way it did before we had a child graduate.

He still lays around the house all day seemingly doing nothing, waiting for someone to give him food, clean up after him, and play games with him.  He has yet to get out of the house and look for a stinkin' job, and as far as I can tell he is still not making enough money to pay his own way, let alone his cell phone bill.

Bandit before graduation.

Bandit after graduation.  See the difference?  No?  Me neither.

 

The report card is in and we might not graduate.

School is out for most people this summer, but for my family school has been in since the end of May.  Puppy is in Puppy Obedience School which is a misnomer because any idiot will tell you (and there must be a lot of idiots because if I could make puppy listen for every time I hear this I wouldn't need a freakin' puppy class), "Puppy school is not for the puppies, but for the owners." 

So, our family progress report so far?  As far as I can tell:  No one has learned a damn thing and it will be a miracle if we graduate and are promoted to the next grade.

1.  Sit - B+

Puppy will sit when there is a nice juicy bacon treat in your hand or when he thinks there is, unless people he doesn't know are involved.  Then he will just try to goose them in the worst way imaginable.

2.  Walking on a leash - A - D

Puppy Obedience Class is also known as Spend All Our Money on Dog Paraphernalia Class. 

Puppy now has a total of six collars. 

He has one puppy collar that he outgrew right after the first class.  He has one regular collar that he just kind of wears like the necklace your mom gave you that you never take off.  He has one electric collar that we use when he is in the backyard so that he doesn't run away (except that we forget to put it on him a lot of the time because he has SIX collars).  He has one choke chain collar that we tried with him because he was pulling too much on our walks. 

We found out that a choke chain is actually cruel and can make a dog more aggressive.  Part of me says, "Whatever.  Our Golden used one almost everyday until he died.  He loved everyone and never needed therapy."  The other part of me says, "OK.  Let's buy one more collar." 

So, puppy also has a pinch collar.  But, damn it, we found out this one is cruel, too.

So, puppy also has a Gentle Leader collar. 

Gawd.  Stop the madness.

On the video that comes with the Gentle Leader collar the narrator says, "The most important thing to remember in training your dog is consistency."

Seriously?  We have six dog collars.  Just give us an F and let's move on.

3.  Leave It:  Puppy - meh, Girl 3 - B+.

I am not even going to be able to grade puppy for Leave It because it has been reduced to a joke.

Here's what really happened the other day:

Me:  Girl 3 stop taking puppy's toy away from him.  He doesn't like that and he's gonna bite you.

Girl 3:  No he's not.  We're playing.

Puppy growing more and more agitated.

Me:  Stop doing that.  He doesn't like it.

Girl 3:  No, I think he likes it.

Puppy mouthing Girl 3 and Girl 3 screaming and yet pulling one more time at the toy.

Me:   GIRL 3 LEAVE IT!

Girl 3:  OKAY.

Puppy finally getting and keeping his toy.

4.  Stay - C-

I don't really think puppy understands stay.  He wants his bacon treat, so he tries to guess what we want him to do.  If there is any kind of squirrel, cat, dog, human, bug, or anything moving on the other side of Stay he does not stay.

5.  Take It - A+

Puppy knows Take It.  He takes "it" all the time.  Bacon treats, Little Pony brushes, dropped pencils, food scraps, dirty socks, brand new shoes, etc. , etc.

6.  Shake - D

Again, puppy really has a taste for bacon treats.  So, today he let me "shake" his paw for about a half an hour.  But, then I tried to get him to do it just now and he acted like I was ca-razy.

7.  Down - A-

Puppy loves Down.  He is one lazy dog with no strength in his lower back and butt muscles.  And our wood floors do not help.  He will Sit and immediately lay down because - I don't know - he's lazy?  It's actually pretty hilarious and I wish I could do what he does.  Just sit anywhere and then lay down.  I want to do that in the grocery store.  A lot.

So, I'm not a teacher anymore but I'd say our average is about what?  A solid C?  With one missing grade and one grade that is just wacky inconsistent? 

I'm really hoping Puppy (and by Puppy I mean Our Family) is like one of those people I'm always hearing about that dropped out of high school because it wasn't challenging enough and now they're crazy famous and rich.

Fame and fortune here we come!  (And we'll try not to goose all the neighbors trying to get there.)

We might need a paternity test.

So, if you're a regular (God help you), you know that I am a pet hater and we just got a puppy.  One of my many pet peeves (see how I just did that?) is being referred to as puppy's mommy.  Even typing that made me throw up a little in my mouth. 

The following is a short testament as to why we are all screwed if I am indeed this pup's mom.  Clearly he has learned nothing in his short 10 weeks of life and he might be adopted or at the very least have a different dad than the others.  (Don't tell hubby.)

1.  He eats his own $hit.  No.  lie.  None of my other kids did this.  Well, except one and it wasn't her $hit and it wasn't her fault (it was hubby's fault - naturally).  And that is another story for another post (oh, and years and years of therapy when she's an adult).

2.  He is a pound puppy so we are not sure what he is except that it is undoubtedly not pure bred.  But, he thinks he is a chihuahua in that he has a distorted self esteem and he doesn't see the world as it really is.  He growls and barks at the bucks in our backyard (which weigh approximately 800 times as much as he does) and then races over to where I am standing and crouches behind me.  This is Not Too Smart.  I'd like to think the other kids are Smarter Than This.

3.  Although friends have said border collies (if he even has any border collie blood in his mutt body) are exceptionally smart, I have seen no evidence of that.  He and I have yet to play Trivial Pursuit, but I'm guessing - since he eats his own $hit - I would have a good chance of beating him.  My other kids beat the pants off of me in any trivia game.  It doesn't take much, but I'm still confident I could beat puppy.  I tested him just now by saying, "How many past U.S. presidents are currently still alive?"  He didn't seem to know.  Or care.  Wait.  I *might* have made that question a little too hard.

4.  He seems to hallucinate on a regular basis and I am pretty sure he is not smoking crack cocaine.  One minute he's fine sniffing around the kitchen like a blood hound and the next minute he's barking and growling at nothing at all.  As far as I remember, none of my other kids have done this either.

5.  He's 10 weeks old and he is still distractable to the point of sometimes not being able to pee or eat.  If memory (albeit fading) serves me correctly, my human kids have been able to pee and poop at all times in their diapers and later at all times in all kinds of gas stations in between here and Dallas while being threatened heavily by me to NOT TOUCH ANYTHING. 

Just a little word of warning.  Please do not refer to me as Mommy unless you came directly from my womb and I'll take the same courtesy with you.  Happy Thursday friends!  Cheers!   

"When you accuse someone of having $hit on his shoes, make sure the source of the smell is not really you." Ms. Day in the Life

So, big news in the Day in the Life family.  We got a dog.  Yes, you read right.  The Leona Helmsley of Pet Haters got a dog over Christmas.  I have only 10 minutes to finish this post, so I won't go into a lot of detail.  I think a list would the most efficient way for me to vent catch you guys up.

1.  The puppy *could* be the reason I haven't blogged in days.

2.  I miss you all dearly and I promise to read all your hysterically funny and entertaining posts just as soon as I can leave puppy for more than 10 minutes without fearing I will have to clean pee or poop for the next 10 minutes.

3.  I don't like it when I go to my pediatricians office and I am referred to as "mom" by a 20 year old young thing who looks like Taylor Swift.  I kinda wanna throw up when I go to the veterinarian's office and I am referred to as "mom."  Mom of who, precisely?  In fact, I would rather listen to the Little People's video music on an endless loop until I poke my eyes out with sharp sticks.

4.  Am I that old?  When did #3 become a thing?  I cannot imagine people of my mother's era ever referring to dogs as the children of humans.  Is this a sign that I am super old?  Was Mrs. Miller Lassie's mom? 

5.  I have spent way too much time the past two weeks dwelling on #4.

6.  If there was a movie to be made of my life right now the title of that movie (undoubtedly a short) would be, "Waiting for the Dog Whisperer."

7.  It's hard to figure out this puppy.  He's a lot like a toddler but he doesn't even speak English some of the time and I never feel entirely comfortable cuddling him due to the fact that I don't like $hit on me.

8.  So that you fully understand #7 - I spent about an hour searching for the source of the $hit smell the other morning only to find puppy had gotten a teensy bit on my robe.  It was a simultaneously humbling and enraging moment.  Thank you, puppy.

9.  I have a million what ifs right now.  Here are just a few:  What if this dog can't learn to fetch?  What if this dog is never potty trained?  What if every time someone new comes into the house the dog pees on the floor?  What if we have to be like Richard Gere in Hachi and demonstrate how to fetch?  What if hubby actually does that?  What if this dog (that I kinda got in order for me to have a silent running partner) hates to run?  What if I make him do it anyway?  What if I really am heartless?  What if it is rainy and cold again for days on end and puppy still hates the rain and cold?  What if this drives me insane?

10.  So, I'm gonna end this by promising to be more faithful.  But, just know that some nasty Stomach Issues are running through our house (see how I did that?) and I really don't know which is more perplexing:  Trying to get children to vomit in the toilet and not on the floor or trying to figure out what a nine week old puppy wants.

I hope you guys are keeping all your resolutions while also keeping it real.  Happy third week of 2013!

A turtle. You know? The cute and cuddly kind.

So, I am not a pet lover.  If this is an unfavorable trait, I blame my mother.  She was not a pet lover and I think I inherited this distaste from her.  In my lifetime, I have loved two pets and they are now dead.  One was an incredibly dumb/smart golden retriever named, Maverick who we had nearly from birth and the other was a demon possessed cat named Quentin who came to us because we needed to learn a lesson.  This post is not about them, but just for the sake of background...

Maverick was a golden retriever.  What else can I say?  They beg you to love them and really you are rendered defenseless and often find yourself doing ridiculous things like crying on their "shoulder," feeding them scraps of bacon from your breakfast plate, popping popcorn just for the "two of you," and laughing saying it's "cute" when they eat the just barbecued chicken you have been waiting for hours to eat.

Quentin.  What can I say?  He was an awful, evil, hateful, fat cat that I loved from the night he spent outside our bedroom window meowing louder than any cat should ever be capable of doing begging us to feed him and give him a home.  He bit neighbors, my mother-in-law, small children, and anyone else who was irritating him or just breathing.  He often bit me.  When I was feeding him.

Another side note (because I am in a rambling kind of mood today):  I hate it when people discover that I like some dogs better than some cats and say in that gushing and condescending way some pet lovers have, "Oh, so you're a dog lover?"  I desperately want to say, "No.  I am a pet hater.  I do not discriminate."  But, in this world that often seems worse than admitting to spanking your kids in anger.  NOT saying I have done that.

September 2011 - All of my kids (including that pestery three year old) want a pet.  Damn them.  My excuses are wearing thin and their whinyness about it is wearing me out.  There is something to be said about persistence (ask hubby).  So....get ready for the Bonus Parenting Tip for this post......when your kids ask for a dog - Say "no," but instead promise a TURTLE.

Yeah.  Now, I am second guessing myself.  What the heck?  A turtle?  I sort of promised Girl 1(and maybe the other three) a turtle for Christmas.  And, shhhhh, because I haven't told hubby.  Now, I am realizing this was totally wrong, but I am afraid we are too deep into the insanity to backtrack easily.  Here is a recap of how the backsliding went:

Some random child of mine:  Can we have a dog?
Me:  No.
SRCM:  Can we have a cat?
Me:  No.
SRCM:  Can we have a gerbil?
Me:  No.
SRCM:  Can we have a mink?
Me:  Hell to the no.
SRCM:  WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
Me:  (Insert any answer you want here.)  Because they require responsibility.  Because they require money.  Because they poop.  Because they stink.  Because they pee.  Because we go on vacation and can hardly afford that.  Because mommy hates pets.  Because we might develop allergies.
SRCM:  Can we have any pet with fur?
Me:  No.
SRCM:  Can we have fish?
(This is another blog post.  I had fish as a child and they all committed suicide.)
Me:  Um, no.
SRCM:  How about a turtle?
Me:  Hmm.

The kids heard the weakness and pounced.

So, now Santa MIGHT be bringing a turtle.  I don't want to totally alienate you dear readers, so I will not expound on how much I hate Santa right now.  Just use your imagination.

SRCM:  So, what kind of turtle?  A tortoise?  Is that legal?  Will we be kicked out of our neighborhood?
Me:  NO, NOT A TORTOISE.  WHAT ARE YOU KIDS?  NUTS???  TORTOISES AREN'T EVEN REAL.  THEY ONLY LIVE AT ZOOS.
SRCM:  So, what kind of turtle, mom????
Me:  YOU KNOW.  A CUTE CUDDLY TURTLE.

Pray for me.  It's getting deep in here.