Sunday, June 30, 2013

The report card is in and we might not graduate.

School is out for most people this summer, but for my family school has been in since the end of May.  Puppy is in Puppy Obedience School which is a misnomer because any idiot will tell you (and there must be a lot of idiots because if I could make puppy listen for every time I hear this I wouldn't need a freakin' puppy class), "Puppy school is not for the puppies, but for the owners." 

So, our family progress report so far?  As far as I can tell:  No one has learned a damn thing and it will be a miracle if we graduate and are promoted to the next grade.

1.  Sit - B+

Puppy will sit when there is a nice juicy bacon treat in your hand or when he thinks there is, unless people he doesn't know are involved.  Then he will just try to goose them in the worst way imaginable.

2.  Walking on a leash - A - D

Puppy Obedience Class is also known as Spend All Our Money on Dog Paraphernalia Class. 

Puppy now has a total of six collars. 

He has one puppy collar that he outgrew right after the first class.  He has one regular collar that he just kind of wears like the necklace your mom gave you that you never take off.  He has one electric collar that we use when he is in the backyard so that he doesn't run away (except that we forget to put it on him a lot of the time because he has SIX collars).  He has one choke chain collar that we tried with him because he was pulling too much on our walks. 

We found out that a choke chain is actually cruel and can make a dog more aggressive.  Part of me says, "Whatever.  Our Golden used one almost everyday until he died.  He loved everyone and never needed therapy."  The other part of me says, "OK.  Let's buy one more collar." 

So, puppy also has a pinch collar.  But, damn it, we found out this one is cruel, too.

So, puppy also has a Gentle Leader collar. 

Gawd.  Stop the madness.

On the video that comes with the Gentle Leader collar the narrator says, "The most important thing to remember in training your dog is consistency."

Seriously?  We have six dog collars.  Just give us an F and let's move on.

3.  Leave It:  Puppy - meh, Girl 3 - B+.

I am not even going to be able to grade puppy for Leave It because it has been reduced to a joke.

Here's what really happened the other day:

Me:  Girl 3 stop taking puppy's toy away from him.  He doesn't like that and he's gonna bite you.

Girl 3:  No he's not.  We're playing.

Puppy growing more and more agitated.

Me:  Stop doing that.  He doesn't like it.

Girl 3:  No, I think he likes it.

Puppy mouthing Girl 3 and Girl 3 screaming and yet pulling one more time at the toy.


Girl 3:  OKAY.

Puppy finally getting and keeping his toy.

4.  Stay - C-

I don't really think puppy understands stay.  He wants his bacon treat, so he tries to guess what we want him to do.  If there is any kind of squirrel, cat, dog, human, bug, or anything moving on the other side of Stay he does not stay.

5.  Take It - A+

Puppy knows Take It.  He takes "it" all the time.  Bacon treats, Little Pony brushes, dropped pencils, food scraps, dirty socks, brand new shoes, etc. , etc.

6.  Shake - D

Again, puppy really has a taste for bacon treats.  So, today he let me "shake" his paw for about a half an hour.  But, then I tried to get him to do it just now and he acted like I was ca-razy.

7.  Down - A-

Puppy loves Down.  He is one lazy dog with no strength in his lower back and butt muscles.  And our wood floors do not help.  He will Sit and immediately lay down because - I don't know - he's lazy?  It's actually pretty hilarious and I wish I could do what he does.  Just sit anywhere and then lay down.  I want to do that in the grocery store.  A lot.

So, I'm not a teacher anymore but I'd say our average is about what?  A solid C?  With one missing grade and one grade that is just wacky inconsistent? 

I'm really hoping Puppy (and by Puppy I mean Our Family) is like one of those people I'm always hearing about that dropped out of high school because it wasn't challenging enough and now they're crazy famous and rich.

Fame and fortune here we come!  (And we'll try not to goose all the neighbors trying to get there.)


Shannon said...

Hilarious, and thank you for reminding me why we are not getting a dog. We are getting a cat sometime this year and I am slightly terrified that it will turn out like the demon spawn, terrifying beast from hades that you used to call a cat.

Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous said...

LOL! I haven't owned a dog since I was a kid, and they didn't have puppy preschools back then, but it sounds equal parts hilarious and frustrating!

Monica said...

@Shannon - oh how I wish we had gone with a cat. they are so smart they don't need school. and, yes. BEWARE of the cat that bites the hand that feeds him....or all hands for that matter. that would be the second or third life of Quentin. @kellie - OMG. I grew up with dogs and we never even took one to the VET. seriously? dog school sometimes I just shake my head and mutter like an old person.

Gretchen said...

I know a person who puts her dog in doggy daycare every day. The dog is flunking everything your dog is flunking and is also getting an E in citizenship. He has been in Out of School Suspension so many times they expelled him. I hope that doesn't happen to you!

Monica said...

@Gretchen - our old neighbors - who we loved - took their dog to daycare everyday. he was a great dog, too. i'm glad we didn't get our devil's spawn until after they moved because we just would have felt more inadequate. I hope we are not expelled before we have a chance to participate in graduation (even if it's just to walk the stage with no actual diploma).

Gramaw Nutt McLaughlin said...

Invite me to the graduation in 2020 as he will be getting worn out and have arthritis...and not be able to get off the floor.

Anonymous said...

Now that is hilarious! Girl 3 should get an A- in "Leave It" at least!

Monica said...

@gramaw nut - you are hereby invited to all my kids' graduations. @whatimeant2say - well, she only listens to leave it when it is screamed and/or she is in imminent danger of getting her face or hand bitten off. I thought you might be able to relate to this post. ;o)

Mind Margins said...

Hang in there, it will get better! Our puppies are now almost four and a half and it IS getting better. Only four more years!!! Walking next to us on a leash is fantastic, but if anything moves (squirrel, cat, etc) all bets are off. Big Puppy is 70 lbs, so I refuse to walk her because she will pull my arm off if anything moves on our walk. Small Puppy is 40 lbs and I can hold her, but she is in general psycho and skittish about everything. They are both sight hounds so I guess we asked for it when we adopted them. Don't give up!

Monica said...

@mind margins - I remember you saying one dog threw your arm? out running/walking? that's what happened with puppy (he's 10 months and about 50 pounds). the gentle leader is working better now, but I am not brave enough to run him again. we are just going on walks - but he IS much, much better about that. :oD

Anonymous said...

I DO relate to this post - or I did. Wonderbutt has been on his best behavior this summer. Either that or we are just getting better at not leaving things anywhere he can get to them.

Megly Mc said...

LMAO...I love this post so much I could cry a little.

Our rescue puppy has seriously ruined us for all other dogs, and he is seriously incredibly obedient despite our complete and total lack of knowing what the hell we're doing.

Unfortunately, when he was a brand-new 3 month old, and we thought it was the most adorable thing ever, we let him kiss us relentlessly, because he was just a puppy, and isn't it cute how much he loves us!?, that he's an adult dog...we're just the creepers who have a dog that answers to a command called, "Makeouts"., I have to blog about this crap.

Monica said...

@megly mc - "makeouts." nice. our dog is a little maker outer himself. he is also a butt sniffer to the nth degree. he has perfected the art so that you feel a little like you should file a domestic abuse report after he's goosed you. today at our class puppy acted like he was GT. suddenly he knew ALL THE TRICKS. It was a pleasant surprise, and frankly a little frightening. i'm waiting for him to bite my hand off later.