Sunday, July 7, 2013

home of the free, land of the brave

I did not see a horse with "five legs" this Fourth of July. 

Last Fourth of July in keeping with the forefathers quest for freedom from religion we saw a horse with five legs.  It was at a quaint parade in a small town where apparently the horses (in addition to getting patriotic) get frisky every now and again.

Randy was the last horse to trot through the parade route and he stopped right in front of my family and decided that would be a good time to try and mount the female (?) horse in front of him. 

Photo courtesy of: I was pretty pissed, too when Randy tried to ruin the patriotic time I was having.
Most of the cowboys we were sitting around snickered loudly while the children we were around either stared wide-eyed or screamed loudly, "MOMMY, WHAT IS HAPPENING?  WHAT IS THAT HORSE TRYING TO DO TO THAT OTHER HORSE?  WHY IS IT HURTING IT?  AND WHY DOES IT HAVE FIVE LEGS?  OH MY GOD!  IS THAT A LEG?"

To say the least, it was awkward for all the adults witnessing and traumatic for all the children who witnessed this.  Truth be told (because it's always a good idea to tell the truth, thank you George Washington), I was traumatized for quite a while afterward as well.

This year, there were no horses with five legs.  For that, I am thankful.

Instead there was a bar complete with prostitutes (?) and an effigy hanging on the porch.  Because what says, "Happy Birthday, America!" better than that?  (Except, of course, a horse with five legs.)

I bet the guy on the porch was pissed, too.


Anonymous said...

And I thought it was awkward when the horses pooped right in front of us...

Mind Margins said...

I went to the zoo one when I was in college to draw the animals (I was an art student). The rhinoceros decided he was feeling a little randy that day, and kept attempting to mount the female rhino, right in front of all the field trip kids. It was hilarious to see the teachers rush them past the scene, amidst the various screams of WHAT ARE THEY DOING, TEACHER? and WHY IS HE HURTING HER??? I feel for you having to deal with that in front of your kids!

Monica said...

@whatimeant2say - yeah, pooping pretty much is old hat for us now. @mind margins - omg. one time we saw the TORTOISES humping at the zoo. it was hysterical. they actually emit these like "love noises" that are incredibly loud. it was positively hysterical (and, of course, I had all four kids in tow). the rhino thing sounds a bit frightening just because they are so damn big.

LSS said...

I was at the same parade and could not see the "effigy" without looking for the KKK hiding somewhere on the float ... sorry, but that's the Texas I see and hear around here.

MUCH more upsetting than any five-legged horse!

Megly Mc said...

O....M.....G..... I'm not sure where to even start.

I, too, have seen giant desert tortoises mate, and you're right...loudest damn thing on Earth. There's a pet store in town that has some in the middle of the store, and it was HORRIFYING. It totally put me off sex for like...a week.

Monica said...

@LSS - EXACTLY. I was looking for the men in sheets as we sat. @megly mc - yeah, I wasn't sure how to feel after seeing the giant tortoises. kinda jealous? but, then again, i'm not one to want to make it in front of 22 first graders either, so not too jealous. now the horse thing just kinda blinded me. AND made me second guess a good friend of hubby's whose nickname in high school was "horse." yowza.

Gretchen said...

I have GOT to visit Texas. The wildlife sounds fascinating!

Monica said...

@Gretchen - yes. come to texas. we promise real wildlife and people who often act like wildlife.