Sunday, June 30, 2013

The report card is in and we might not graduate.

School is out for most people this summer, but for my family school has been in since the end of May.  Puppy is in Puppy Obedience School which is a misnomer because any idiot will tell you (and there must be a lot of idiots because if I could make puppy listen for every time I hear this I wouldn't need a freakin' puppy class), "Puppy school is not for the puppies, but for the owners." 

So, our family progress report so far?  As far as I can tell:  No one has learned a damn thing and it will be a miracle if we graduate and are promoted to the next grade.

1.  Sit - B+

Puppy will sit when there is a nice juicy bacon treat in your hand or when he thinks there is, unless people he doesn't know are involved.  Then he will just try to goose them in the worst way imaginable.

2.  Walking on a leash - A - D

Puppy Obedience Class is also known as Spend All Our Money on Dog Paraphernalia Class. 

Puppy now has a total of six collars. 

He has one puppy collar that he outgrew right after the first class.  He has one regular collar that he just kind of wears like the necklace your mom gave you that you never take off.  He has one electric collar that we use when he is in the backyard so that he doesn't run away (except that we forget to put it on him a lot of the time because he has SIX collars).  He has one choke chain collar that we tried with him because he was pulling too much on our walks. 

We found out that a choke chain is actually cruel and can make a dog more aggressive.  Part of me says, "Whatever.  Our Golden used one almost everyday until he died.  He loved everyone and never needed therapy."  The other part of me says, "OK.  Let's buy one more collar." 

So, puppy also has a pinch collar.  But, damn it, we found out this one is cruel, too.

So, puppy also has a Gentle Leader collar. 

Gawd.  Stop the madness.

On the video that comes with the Gentle Leader collar the narrator says, "The most important thing to remember in training your dog is consistency."

Seriously?  We have six dog collars.  Just give us an F and let's move on.

3.  Leave It:  Puppy - meh, Girl 3 - B+.

I am not even going to be able to grade puppy for Leave It because it has been reduced to a joke.

Here's what really happened the other day:

Me:  Girl 3 stop taking puppy's toy away from him.  He doesn't like that and he's gonna bite you.

Girl 3:  No he's not.  We're playing.

Puppy growing more and more agitated.

Me:  Stop doing that.  He doesn't like it.

Girl 3:  No, I think he likes it.

Puppy mouthing Girl 3 and Girl 3 screaming and yet pulling one more time at the toy.


Girl 3:  OKAY.

Puppy finally getting and keeping his toy.

4.  Stay - C-

I don't really think puppy understands stay.  He wants his bacon treat, so he tries to guess what we want him to do.  If there is any kind of squirrel, cat, dog, human, bug, or anything moving on the other side of Stay he does not stay.

5.  Take It - A+

Puppy knows Take It.  He takes "it" all the time.  Bacon treats, Little Pony brushes, dropped pencils, food scraps, dirty socks, brand new shoes, etc. , etc.

6.  Shake - D

Again, puppy really has a taste for bacon treats.  So, today he let me "shake" his paw for about a half an hour.  But, then I tried to get him to do it just now and he acted like I was ca-razy.

7.  Down - A-

Puppy loves Down.  He is one lazy dog with no strength in his lower back and butt muscles.  And our wood floors do not help.  He will Sit and immediately lay down because - I don't know - he's lazy?  It's actually pretty hilarious and I wish I could do what he does.  Just sit anywhere and then lay down.  I want to do that in the grocery store.  A lot.

So, I'm not a teacher anymore but I'd say our average is about what?  A solid C?  With one missing grade and one grade that is just wacky inconsistent? 

I'm really hoping Puppy (and by Puppy I mean Our Family) is like one of those people I'm always hearing about that dropped out of high school because it wasn't challenging enough and now they're crazy famous and rich.

Fame and fortune here we come!  (And we'll try not to goose all the neighbors trying to get there.)

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Sorry, y'all. I'm busy procrastinating....I mean drinking....I mean procrastinating.

So, it's been a family filled summer so far.  Here's what I've learned.

1.  Someone made a wine for me.  (Not to be confused with a whine for me.  Someone made that for me a long, long time ago.)

Notice the little person relaxing at her desk?  She's clearly a woman.  To which I say, "Huh?"  In my extensive research and experience, men procrastinate far more than women.  Amirite?

2.  I've lost weight.  Maybe.  My swimsuit bottoms almost fell off in the pool today.  This could be because:  I have lost weight.  My swimsuit bottom elastic has completely lost its elasticity.  Or, I am a really bad swimmer.  I am going with - I lost weight.  So, yay!  And, boo.  Because now I have to shop again.

3.  Because during the first week of summer our kids were turning into computer screens, communicating with acronyms, and pausing their games only to toilet themselves and eat, hubby and I decided we had to somehow limit their technology use.

We have now limited it to the point where our kids hate us so much they might move out before school starts again in August. 

We arrived at this status via a surprising move last Sunday evening, when we voted in my family.  The two options up for vote were:  1.  Kids will use technology only on Saturday and Sunday for unlimited use.  There will be no technology use Monday - Friday.  Or, 2. kids use technology for one hour a day at the same hour Sunday - Saturday.  The kids voted for Option 2, and for one full week we have battled and argued each and every day about how many minutes are in a freaking hour.

Seriously?  Tuesday I thought Girl 2 was having the DTs because we had to stop her game and leave the house during her "one hour."

4.  I am addicted to Daft Punk.  My kids are happy, but a little concerned about me.  Have a listen and you'll soon be addicted, too.  You're welcome.

5.  I have been unable to run with puppy because he threw my hip out pulling me and I am recovering with large doses of Aleve, chocolate, and beer.  So, I am getting no exercise and gaining weight.  And he is getting no exercise and acting like a maniac.  This has created a vicious cycle similar to drug dependency.  He is hyper because no one is exercising him and no one wants to exercise him because he's too damn hyper.  Cheesus.

Hubby had a moment of pure genius earlier and declared, "We should have named puppy "Technology" because then everyone would want to play with him."

That, folks, has been my summer thus far.  How have you been?

Sunday, June 16, 2013

June 16. Do you know where your brain is?

This is not a real post because it's been raining down here in Texas, I have four kids who are now home for the summer, I have one ill-behaved hyper puppy, and my house is that small.  So, it's just a list (with no particular title, in no particular order).  I promise to make it up to you in August when the kids go back to school.

1.  My son graduated from fifth grade.  Fifth grade is mandatory the last time I checked, so I still don't really understand graduation.  But, there it was.  On the upside:  I didn't cry.  On the downside:  I did not get one single decent photo.  That's okay because I'm really hoping he'll graduate from high school (and possibly even college) and I figure I'll get some photos then. 

Here's a story I thought about during the ceremony (besides, of course, how much I love my son): 

A good friend's mother-in-law brought her a box of stuff one time when she came to visit.  It was some of her husband's stuff  from since birth.  Creepy stuff.  Like his umbilical cord, all his report cards, his first lost tooth, his first lock of hair. 

The MIL said simply, "I don't want this.  Do you?" 

My friend politely mumbled, "Um.  Ok."  (While thinking, "Eww.  Hell to the no.  Throw that $hit away.")

I like to think of this story (or my version of it) when I don't get a good photo.  Somehow it makes me feel less guilty.

2.  School let out on a Thursday.  We left for vacation three days later.  This planning on my part resulted in my calendars not getting changed to June until day before yesterday.  So, I lost a few days.  I'm hoping to get them back sometime when the kids are in college.

3.  I don't understand chess pie.  I love most any kind of dessert (sometimes even ones with fruit), but chess pie is basically flour and butter?  And the name?  Not appealing.  Did they play a lot of chess during The Depression?  I am going to Google its history later today (in my free time).

4.  Why is there more laundry when you go on vacation if all anyone wears while on vacation is jammies and swimsuits?

5.  While on vacation I got a case of Swollen Lip.  No, this is not a joke.  I was going to attach a photo, but then I remembered that you can't unsee something.  Just Google it (or if you'd rather remain unscathed, don't).  I haven't had this reaction since shortly after I gave birth to Girl 1.  That reaction came with hives and a bunch of other pleasant (and attractive) symptoms and eventually I needed a shot to get rid of everything (a steroid shot, although I took plenty of other shots too as preemptive measures).

I could feel this reaction coming on, but as we were *kind of* camping, there wasn't a whole lot I could do to prevent it. 

I have been taking Zyrtec to try and calm the effects of this Swollen Lip thing. 

So, what's the point?  The point is:  Zyrtec makes me zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  That quick.  Ask Hubby.

It's like this:  Me, "Babe, I'm taking the Zyrtec now."  And then I wake up the next morning on the kitchen floor right where I took the Zyrtec.

How do people function on this stuff?

The sad part?  (Aside from the fact that I've basically slept through some of the first days of summer.)  I was on Zyrtec for much of Girl 1's infancy and toddlerhood.  That *could* explain A Lot.

6.  Girls 1, 2, and 3 came back from vacation with another stuffed animal to add to their collection of about 10,000.  Hubby "won" them these lovies after spending all of their college tuition money (which total was probably just around $550) gaming.  I AM DECLUTTERING PEOPLE!  DOESN'T ANYONE IN MY OWN FAMILY READ MY BLOG?

7.  Puppy is in college.  He's been to three classes and I'm not sure what he's learned, but here's what has happened. 

  • Girl 3 has fallen off the back of her stool.  After standing on her stool, hubby told her to SIT DOWN.  So, she sat criss-cross on a stool and fell right off the back.  After practically bringing all of Petsmart to the back of the store with her screaming she wailed, "I was sitting down like dad said.  See?  That's why I stand up."
  • Puppy has terrorized another family in the class who have a chocolate lab who is tiny enough to fit nicely inside a tortilla.  It's embarrassing and awkward.
  • We've purchased about $400 worth of gadgets, treats, leashes, and collars to help train our dog.
  • Countless people have told us, "Really puppy classes are for the owners so that they can be trained."  Really?  No kidding.  We might be in school for the rest of our lives, and hubby might need to get another job.

8.  Remember how I told you that my four year old never stops talking?  Well, one of the great things about summer is that now she can torture talk to others in my family besides just me.  Here was her conversation with Boy Child a few days ago.


Boy Child:  Ok.  Hi Cheetahbellofthejungle.


Boy Child:  Ok.  Hi Princess Celestia.


Boy Child:  Fine.  Hi Cinderella.  Guess what?

Girl 3:  What?

Boy Child:  I'm giving Girl 3 one million dollars.

Girl 3:  YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!  I GET ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!

Boy Child:  No, you don't.  You're Cinderella not Girl 3.

Ah, nice move, Grasshoppa.

That's all I got.  I'm going to go take my Zyrtec now and sleep until the kids go back to school.  Have a great summer!

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Terrorized by a four year old. Or Hoarders, Part 2

So, I started doing this a few days ago.  It has been positively as joyful as bathing suit shopping for me.  On a related (kind of) note:  I chose not to buy suits this year because I thought I still had two gorgeous suits.  But, it seems the space between my neck and navel - some would call this The Bust - has shrunk.  To be safe I googled shrinking bust size.  This search yielded 1.  Shrinking building in Japan (which might mess with my mind the same way that my shrinking boobage has), and 2.  Another search where I found this sexpert Q&A  which basically says I should quit exercising in order to get what little boobage I had back.  So............................what?  Google:  YOU ARE CONFUSING AND I HATE YOU.


Recap:  I am decluttering my home space by space.  This is a torturous and often humorous (because torture and humor are so closely related) experience that has revealed some frightening things about my family.

1.  My four year old never stops talking.  Here's how "cleaning" has gone since her last day of school.

Her (speaking loudly from the other room):  Can we play a game?

Me:  No, baby.  Momma has to clean the entire house cabinet by cabinet.  Maybe when you are 24.

Her:  So, in a few minutes?

Me:  Maybe.

Her:  What does maybe mean again?  Yes? 

Me (making a stabbing motion through my heart):  Maybe means maybe yes or maybe no.  We'll see.

Her:  Okay.  Then, can we read a book?

Me (making a gun with my hand and pointing it toward my head):  Remember I'm cleaning so the water is running and I can't really hear you.  Come in here.

Her (skips into the kitchen):  Okay.  Can you hear me now?  Wow.  That stuff is really dirty.  Why is everything so gross?  When is the last time you did this?  Can we just move?

Me:  No.  We can't move, but I'm pretending we are moving just to keep me on my toes.

Her:  That doesn't make sense to me.

Me:  I know.  That's how cleaning is.

Her:  Why are you throwing away all of our baby dishes?

Me:  I'm not.  I am saving them for when you have babies.  Then you can give them to your babies.

Her:  Well, I'm glad mine's not blue because I am only having girls.

Me:  Well, you get what you get.  If you get a boy, you get a boy.

Her:  Well, if I get a boy, I'm sending him right back or giving him away.

Awesome.  So goes two minutes of cleaning.  We are sending away boy babies.

2.  The other day the kids came home and asked me what I had done all day.  I explained to them that I am on a mission to clean and declutter the house space by space and that this might take until they finish college.  

Girl 1:  Well, you could start by getting rid of these baby spoons.  I mean like, seriously mom?  Why do we still have these?

Boy Child:  Because, Girl 1!  Mom might have another baby.

Awesome, Part II.  This makes me both frightened for Boy Child that he thinks this is even possible at my age and also a bit horrified that the baby spoons are still in there.

3.  Yesterday I uncovered this:

Yes, that is 8000 plastic knives.  Cheesus.  Who does that???  Who has 8000 plastic knives (but no fork to save a life) in their house???  I am ready for the Mother Load of Church Picnics.....or something.

4.  Today I decided we'd had enough cleaning.  In one day I will have four kids underfoot for two and a half months and everything I have so dutifully cleaned is going to be filthy again in the first 24 hours of it.  So, I decided to go run the errands that have been piling up since...............November 2012.  We had 14 errands to run.  It was made slightly less painful by the fact that the credit union was selling chocolate popcorn for a dollar.  I was going to deposit my check, but instead I bought 589 bags of popcorn.  (JUST KIDDING!  I don't get paid that much, and besides, who can eat that much popcorn?!)  I bought Girl 3 a bag of popcorn and she was actually quiet and pleasant *almost* our entire trip.  Which leads to me to this:

These are "high waisted bathing suit bottoms."  Or, as Girl 3 called them, "Big, huge panties."  Thank you, Girl 3 for ruining what little self esteem I have left.
Yeah.  I bought these today with a top. 

"Oh, good.  I thought you weren't going to wear a top, mom," said Girl 3 in the Target changing room at the top of her lungs after opening the door on me while I was not clothed.  I hope hubby reads this post because I have a feeling he will call them "big, huge panties," too and then I will have to return them.

The end.  Boy Child "graduates" from fifth grade tomorrow with all the pomp and circumstance of The Royal Wedding.  I am hoping I don't cry like a crazy woman at a funeral.  Wish me luck.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

I'd like to thank my mom and God...oh, wait....

Someone thinks I'm "interesting" y'all!  Wheeeeee! 

I'm arousing?  Excuse me while I take my clothes off and roll around in some Vaseline.  Wait, no I'm absorbing.  Like Bounty!

1.  Thank you Weezafish for this loverly award!  I love you and I think it's high time I told you that every time I type your name I am singing this in my head: 

Please go check her out, you guys because in addition to her ear-worm name, she has a delightful accent, a truly interesting background, and she moonlight writes for a bunch of people including a matchmaking place because she's sexy like that. 

2.  Five random facts about me (because it's all about me):
  • I saw Barry Manilow in concert because I wanted to.
  • I want to stab myself a little every time my boy child starts a story with, "Mom, y'know on Minecraft where......"
  • My last Google search:  The Millionaire Matchmaker.  I tried to tie that into Weeza somehow, but I've clearly not had enough coffee.
  • In my TV life, I have a thing for stabby, ex-addict detectives who are trying to make it right.
  • I've never kept a plant alive for more than one week.  I've done considerably better with my children.
3.  I nominate these people for the Interesting Blog award (it was hard for me to pick partly because I read too many blogs than I should, and partly because many of the people I read have a $hit ton of awards):

My five questions for you three (here's where it gets confusing and hairy - try to pay attention):
  • Have you ever had a hernia?
  • Scorpion bite or brown recluse bite?
  • Scorpion song or Justin Bieber song?
  • If you could put two pop star singers together to make a hit record (that, frankly, just frightens everyone), who would it be?
  • If you don't know the answers to any of the above, what do you know?
My answers to Weeza (CHEESUS - when does it end???  I just want this blog post to end???  If that's what you are saying, remember):

1.  When did you start Blogging and why?  I started blogging while nursing my third child.  Literally.  I needed something to do with my hands.
2. What treat or pamper could you just not do without?  A shower.  At least every other day.
3. Which tune would, without question, have you leaping to your feet and strutting to the dancefloor?
Um, yeah.  I don't dance.  But, this makes me chair dance a little (similar, but not the same as lap dance).
4.Imagine; You have an entire weekend free, nothing on your To Do List, millions in the bank and only yourself to please. What do you do?  Um.  Read blogs?
5. Where did you put your keys?!  Right next to hubby's so that we'll be able to find his quickly later.  (You're welcome.)
4.  Conditions and rules, you guys.  (Just pretend I'm giving you a new car, but you have to pay the taxes on it still, okay?  Only, you can't really drive this award, and it probably doesn't have that new car smell.)

  • Claim your prize and display it on your shelf or if your shelf is too crowded, just put it in your closet and then when you are de-cluttering in a few years you can give it to Goodwill.  It will one day end up being someone's ashtray.  And, send me a thank you with five dollars.......oh, wait............that wasn't part of it?
  • Tell us five tantalizing facts about yourself.
  • Nominate three more unsuspecting yet well-deserving people.
  • Ask them five questions.
  • Tell them they won and give them the terms and conditions.  Ask them for ten dollars and send me five of those.
Whew!  Done.  It's just like they say, you guys.  Being famous is hard work.