Direct communication is always best, but if you want to leave me a water balloon in the sink I will have to draw my own conclusions.

I've been having fantasies about going to this place:



photo courtesy:  www.cancuncd.com  That's Isla de Mujeres and I really want to go there.

I've even spent some *free* time seriously calculating costs for six people and it looks affordable....if we don't eat for a few months and I don't ever get a boob job.  (Not that a boob job was ever "on the table."  But, hypothetically speaking.  The vacation would be about as much as a boob job.  So, *I guess* it's either "boob job" or "island family vacation.") 

I've even gone so far as telling hubby about this little island family vacation fantasy of mine.

He is notoriously cheap, but I thought he was completely on board with it.

Until I woke up this morning and this was in the kitchen sink:

That is a water balloon and neither the kids nor I will claim placing it in the sink.

Hubby:  Are you trying to tell me something?  

it's a short list

So, today I am a few years past my thirtieth and a few years closer to my fiftieth.  Yes, that makes me a little dizzy.  If you're anything like me, after a certain age you might not want to even celebrate your birthday anymore.  It's just kind of another day that you'd rather just slip by so that you don't have to face the realization that you are one day closer to your imminent death (yes, I am the epitome of optimism). 

But, hubby is really great at buying me gifts and celebrating.  And the kids start asking way in advance if I'm gonna have a party with a pinata (um, no).  Hubby asks me what I want a few weeks before my birthday and just buys what I tell him.  Romantic?  No.  Practical?  Yes.

This year was no different.  I had kinda gone overboard buying myself Christmas gifts so I tried to really keep it simple.  So, I got some low-key, but great stuff that I really wanted.  I got another really warm scarf in a fabulous color because we have been having cold weather down here in south Texas and I hate cold weather.  I got some funky earrings that I've been wanting.  I got a Pay Day from the Boy Child because he could afford that and he knows Pay Days are one of my guilty pleasures.  I got some wonderfully smelling stuff from Bath and Bodyworks.  And hubby has a great sense of humor so he wrapped everything up in this fabulous bright pink tote (with an amazing number of pockets) that we got as a free gift for donating to a charity and gave all the gifts to me in that.

But, (everyone always has a big butt, right?) here's what I didn't get that I really wanted.  I didn't put any of this on the list, but I'm telling you guys.  So, if you can, help a sista' out?

The Unstated Real Birthday List

1.  I want my boobs back where they used to be.  And, while they (whoever's gonna do this for me) are at it, I'd also like them a titch larger than they are right now.  Y'know just to help me get some attention when I need it?

2.  I want my hair not to do this weird thing it's started doing called:  Growing right out of the front of my head.  WTH?  Is that some sort of old thing?

3.  This one is kinda for women only:  I'd like to be On the Cycle Again or Completely Off the Cycle instead of just every 78 days, or every 14 days, or every 112 days, or anytime my body thinks it's time again.  Yeesh.  I am ready to say good-bye to fertilehood for good.

4.  I'd like to be able to remember shiz without writing it down.  It's kind of annoying to have a memory that is only three seconds long.  And I am kinda tired of Girl 1 always accusing me of having early onset Alzheimer's.

5.  I'd really love to be able to text without my bifocals.  OLD PERSON ON BOARD.  Yeah, that's me.  Yeesh.  Embarrassing and cumbersome.  Oh, and I'd like to be able to text as fast as a tween.

6.  I want the skin on my hands back.  I have developed in the past five years this weird old people skin on my hands and I don't really like it.

7.  These dark circles under my eyes and wrinkles on my forehead need to be cleared up.  (I'm thinking when they are working on my boob concerns they can just skip up to my face and fix that.)

8.  I'd like my acute hearing back from the 80's.  Now, I've never really had great hearing.  If you're a long term reader you know that one of my greatest fears is going completely deaf by my fifties.  So, I'd really just like to be able to hear.  Everything.  Like a superpower.  Or, just like a regular human.

9.  I'd like to be able to drink the amount of beer I want without it going directly to my belly in record time.  Remember the good 'ole days when you could stay out all night drinking and not feel any repercussions?  Yeah, I want those days back.

10.  And, just because I'm a stickler for even numbers.  I'd like to eat all the chocolate I want just once.  Doesn't everyone want that?

11.  Oh, and one more.  I'd really like to get the rest of my life figured out.  Seriously?  What am I going to be when I grow up?  (I'm sure hubby would like me to figure that out, too.)

So, friends.  Happy birthday to me!  Don't worry - I won't put candles on my cake.  Safety first! 

What? Where? And, remind me - WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

It's Monday.  So, since it's already a tough day, can we talk about aging for a minute?  It sucks.  I have decided to share a few tidbits from another list that I have been working on for about three years now.  I call it: 

Aging Sucks.  Don't Let Anyone Tell You Any Different

Side note:  It's baby's third birthday today.  Now, when I'm dead and baby (hopefully she will go by her given name by then) reads my blog lovingly over and over trying to remember what a witty and wise mom she had I do not want her to think that I was only thinking about myself on HER third birthday.  So, this is for you, baby, when you are old and known by your real name, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY!  I LOVE YOU AND I AM SO HAPPY YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE!"

Okay.  On with what I'm thinking about today.  If you are Where I Am let this be a refresher list for you.  If you are not Where I Am, let this be a warning.  If you are past Where I Am - God bless ya, be glad you are still alive, grab your bi-focals, and have a good laugh at how you used to be.  By the way - Where I Am is somewhere between 30 and 50........WITH A THREE YEAR OLD.

1.  At some point you will have to wear bi-focals.  Let me tell you why these are a raw deal.  First a short history in opthamology:  When you were born you had excellent vision.  You could see through walls.  As you aged you may have gone the route of glasses or contacts.  Or you may have been one of the lucky ones who skipped through Life Under 40 with nothing but your naked eyes.  BUT, you will know you are close to 40 or 40 because one day you will wake up and not be able to see the directions on the medicine you are either taking or dispensing.  It's a little disturbing at first.  You will go to the eye doctor and he will do an irritating test where he says, "Is it 1 or 2?  A or B?  C or D?  3 or 4?"  Until you think you have failed the SAT.  Then he will tell you, "You need bi-focals.  It happens when you get old."  This will make you want to say, "Thanks, eye doctor.  Now, go suck an egg."  At first your bi-focals will be fun and cute (like a new puppy).  But, then you will lose them, have to purchase like 10 pairs to keep all over, and you will forget what "prescription" you need when you are at the actual store where they SELL bifocals (You will stand before the racks of bifocals saying to yourself, "Is it negative 3 or 4, 4 or 5, 6 or 7????").  It's all terribly annoying.  AND, forget about texting.  Don't feel bad about not being able to read the text because there is no way you will be able to text back.  Squint and figure out who is texting and then pick up your home phone (Remember those?  You're gonna need one again.) and call them.  Hopefully they are a reader of this blog, so they will know what the hell is going on.

2.  Your hearing will gradually go.  At first this will be a grand excuse to ignore your kids, hubby, and friends (like when they are reminding you you owe them money).  But, then you will find you actually need your hearing and not having it can, frankly, be embarrassing.  Here are a few examples: 

• The school (where your kids go) calls and tells you, "Blahblahwhooblah, blah is in the nurse's office.  It seems blahwhoohasoma."  You say, "WHO?  WHAT HAPPENED?"  The nurse patiently repeats what she said the first time and makes a note in your kid's file, "Mom is deaf."
• You go through the bank drive through and ask for your balance.  The teller speaks through that tunnel that I think is connected to Australia and says, "Two thhunonefour."  You scream back, "EXCUSE ME???"  She patiently screams back at you and then everyone in the drive through line knows that you are overdrawn and have been for about two weeks.
• You constantly tell friends, relatives (and sometimes strangers) that your cell phone is "breaking up," simply because you cannot hear a $%*# word they are saying.

3.  Around 40 it takes eight hours of exercise to equal one taco, donut, candy bar, or anything else you might desperately want to eat, but that is not on your Healthy Eating Diet.  Frankly, it's exhausting.  There is one up side to this.  Some days you will honestly be so tired and sore from working out that you will not be able to find the energy to lift a fork to your mouth.  You will be limited to only food (or liquid) that can be somehow taken directly into your mouth (like water - or beer - through a straw).  If this "no-hands diet" lasts more than one day you might lose weight.

4.  Menopause kicks in if you are a woman.  If you are a man reading my blog:  sorry, but if you know any women approaching 40 you might want to read #4 just by way of self preservation.  Now, let me just say menopause is a strange creature.  The more I know it, the more I want to say, "Remember when you were a teenager and your emotions could flip on a dime, you sometimes had this raging appetite (no funny business here) where you wanted to eat like a live horse, you sometimes slept until your mom woke you up and told you a week had passed, and you sometimes felt like the most minor of all occurrences could literally RUIN YOUR LIFE???????"  Well, that's menopause in a nutshell.  Add some extreme bloating, night sweats, migraines, and bad cramping and you've got it.  Does it sound like a church picnic on a beautiful sunny day?  No, I don't think so either.

5.  Your memory will fail you.  Now, I've never had a mind for details so my mind fails me in much broader ways.  For example (and take note - this is just an example it hasn't actually happened):  I would never forget my fourth born's date of birth because I never was able to remember that in the first place.  But, I might forget the fourth born.  It's shocking and embarrassing at first, but if you carry your phone (and your bifocals) around with you most of the time you can always try to remember to slip away and google what you need to know.

I have tried to hit the most important aspects of aging with this short list.  There are many more, but you will just have to muddle through those on your own.  After all you didn't get this far simply by reading my blog!  Now, lest I end this post all gloom and doom - take heart!  Remember you will be much wiser and able to laugh at the foolishness of young people.  Just know you will doing it with your glasses on, they will have to be loudly foolish and you will have to remember who the hell they are and why you give a flip.  At any rate - Happy Monday, my friends!  Enjoy your day, and remember this is your LAST DAY being exactly as old as you are!