Friday, January 25, 2013

If a wild turkey tries to hit your Yukon, karma might be trying to get ya.

So, it's been a strange week over here at Day in the Life.  Here's the recap and in the interest of your capacity to pay attention I've tried to delete the less interesting happenings.

1.  I had the extreme pleasure of renewing my license that was about 200 years old.  In person.  With a four year old.  Here's a little taste of how that felt:  It took three hours and two minutes.  It was about 30 degrees that morning (which is around 10 degrees below zero by South Texas standards).  One hour and 15 minutes was spent outside the building (because there is a fire code - the audacity - and the building is about as big as my kitchen and so only about 10 people fit in there safely at one time - therefore the other 880 people in line have to wait outside the building).  The people are friendly despite working in a time-warp-like atmosphere where all the people you are waiting on look like zombies and feel like they have severe jet lag.  I made five new friends (and this is particularly shocking because as my good friends know my motto is, "I don't need any new friends.  I don't even like the friends I have.").  I think I was so tired and worn down I *may* have agreed to become Facebook friends with all of them.  And, despite hubby's precaution as I departed the house to "take a good picture," I looked like I'd been through war when I finally made it to the front of the line.  I was faced with the reality once again that age has not been good to me.  In my first photo I look fresh, young, and vibrant.  In my second photo....well, let's just say - I look haggard.  Here's a before/after and I'll let you all be judges.

The Before.  
The After.  (I dressed up for the occasion.  It didn't help.)
 
The "P.S." on this story is that a few days after I stood in line for three hours (I feel like Gilligan when I say that) this new one million square foot  DPS megaplex opened right down the street from my house.  (Of course.  Damn my city government for conspiring against me.)

I don't see anyone waiting in line there (in the freezing cold, with a four year old).
2.  I've had some run-ins with wildlife.  So, remember when I started $hit with some pesky raccoons?  Well, it seems they have some friends in our neighborhood and this might be the final retribution.  As you might know, we recently got a puppy.  And now something is trying to kill it.  I first saw who I am heretofore referring to as Will E Coyote or just WillEC a few days ago.  He was wandering through my backyard and he seemed like he really wanted to eat our puppy, Bandit.  I am too slow to get a good photo of him (I'm still working on that) but here's what he kinda looks like. 

I know.  I kinda want to pet him, too.  But, I would also like to live a little longer.

Anyway.  Considering coyotes can eat humans and small puppies I decided to watch Bandit carefully (and Girl 3).  Then, WillEC decided to disembowel a skunk and leave the carcass for us under our tree house.  That seemed like a little more of a sign that we *might* be in danger.  Of dying.  So, I stepped up my "basic and rational precautions a little."  (Like I decided to smear the blood of my forefathers on all of my doors and carry my crucifix with me at all times.) 

Then, yesterday I came home and WillEC was sniffing around my garbage cans.  Holy crap I thought.  This is the final retribution for all the raccoon shizzle last year.  I spent most of yesterday trying to figure out how I was going to step up my game.

Then, this guy crossed my path. 

Yeah, that's an approximately four foot tall wild turkey.  Side note:  WE DON'T LIVE IN THE WILD.  Cheesus H. Christ.
So, you guys - I might be in trouble.  Those raccoons seem to be winning right now.  I sense that they are somewhere out in the wild beyond my backyard having a good laugh at my expense.  I'm considering leaving them a note.  It will read something like this:

"I surrender.  You guys win.  Turns out you are smarter than me.  You can have all my garbage for the rest of my life.  Just LEAVE ME THE F*CK ALONE."

Sunday, January 20, 2013

it's a short list

So, today I am a few years past my thirtieth and a few years closer to my fiftieth.  Yes, that makes me a little dizzy.  If you're anything like me, after a certain age you might not want to even celebrate your birthday anymore.  It's just kind of another day that you'd rather just slip by so that you don't have to face the realization that you are one day closer to your imminent death (yes, I am the epitome of optimism). 

But, hubby is really great at buying me gifts and celebrating.  And the kids start asking way in advance if I'm gonna have a party with a pinata (um, no).  Hubby asks me what I want a few weeks before my birthday and just buys what I tell him.  Romantic?  No.  Practical?  Yes.

This year was no different.  I had kinda gone overboard buying myself Christmas gifts so I tried to really keep it simple.  So, I got some low-key, but great stuff that I really wanted.  I got another really warm scarf in a fabulous color because we have been having cold weather down here in south Texas and I hate cold weather.  I got some funky earrings that I've been wanting.  I got a Pay Day from the Boy Child because he could afford that and he knows Pay Days are one of my guilty pleasures.  I got some wonderfully smelling stuff from Bath and Bodyworks.  And hubby has a great sense of humor so he wrapped everything up in this fabulous bright pink tote (with an amazing number of pockets) that we got as a free gift for donating to a charity and gave all the gifts to me in that.

But, (everyone always has a big butt, right?) here's what I didn't get that I really wanted.  I didn't put any of this on the list, but I'm telling you guys.  So, if you can, help a sista' out?

The Unstated Real Birthday List

1.  I want my boobs back where they used to be.  And, while they (whoever's gonna do this for me) are at it, I'd also like them a titch larger than they are right now.  Y'know just to help me get some attention when I need it?

2.  I want my hair not to do this weird thing it's started doing called:  Growing right out of the front of my head.  WTH?  Is that some sort of old thing?

3.  This one is kinda for women only:  I'd like to be On the Cycle Again or Completely Off the Cycle instead of just every 78 days, or every 14 days, or every 112 days, or anytime my body thinks it's time again.  Yeesh.  I am ready to say good-bye to fertilehood for good.

4.  I'd like to be able to remember shiz without writing it down.  It's kind of annoying to have a memory that is only three seconds long.  And I am kinda tired of Girl 1 always accusing me of having early onset Alzheimer's.

5.  I'd really love to be able to text without my bifocals.  OLD PERSON ON BOARD.  Yeah, that's me.  Yeesh.  Embarrassing and cumbersome.  Oh, and I'd like to be able to text as fast as a tween.

6.  I want the skin on my hands back.  I have developed in the past five years this weird old people skin on my hands and I don't really like it.

7.  These dark circles under my eyes and wrinkles on my forehead need to be cleared up.  (I'm thinking when they are working on my boob concerns they can just skip up to my face and fix that.)

8.  I'd like my acute hearing back from the 80's.  Now, I've never really had great hearing.  If you're a long term reader you know that one of my greatest fears is going completely deaf by my fifties.  So, I'd really just like to be able to hear.  Everything.  Like a superpower.  Or, just like a regular human.

9.  I'd like to be able to drink the amount of beer I want without it going directly to my belly in record time.  Remember the good 'ole days when you could stay out all night drinking and not feel any repercussions?  Yeah, I want those days back.

10.  And, just because I'm a stickler for even numbers.  I'd like to eat all the chocolate I want just once.  Doesn't everyone want that?

11.  Oh, and one more.  I'd really like to get the rest of my life figured out.  Seriously?  What am I going to be when I grow up?  (I'm sure hubby would like me to figure that out, too.)

So, friends.  Happy birthday to me!  Don't worry - I won't put candles on my cake.  Safety first! 

Thursday, January 17, 2013

We might need a paternity test.

So, if you're a regular (God help you), you know that I am a pet hater and we just got a puppy.  One of my many pet peeves (see how I just did that?) is being referred to as puppy's mommy.  Even typing that made me throw up a little in my mouth. 

The following is a short testament as to why we are all screwed if I am indeed this pup's mom.  Clearly he has learned nothing in his short 10 weeks of life and he might be adopted or at the very least have a different dad than the others.  (Don't tell hubby.)

1.  He eats his own $hit.  No.  lie.  None of my other kids did this.  Well, except one and it wasn't her $hit and it wasn't her fault (it was hubby's fault - naturally).  And that is another story for another post (oh, and years and years of therapy when she's an adult).

2.  He is a pound puppy so we are not sure what he is except that it is undoubtedly not pure bred.  But, he thinks he is a chihuahua in that he has a distorted self esteem and he doesn't see the world as it really is.  He growls and barks at the bucks in our backyard (which weigh approximately 800 times as much as he does) and then races over to where I am standing and crouches behind me.  This is Not Too Smart.  I'd like to think the other kids are Smarter Than This.

3.  Although friends have said border collies (if he even has any border collie blood in his mutt body) are exceptionally smart, I have seen no evidence of that.  He and I have yet to play Trivial Pursuit, but I'm guessing - since he eats his own $hit - I would have a good chance of beating him.  My other kids beat the pants off of me in any trivia game.  It doesn't take much, but I'm still confident I could beat puppy.  I tested him just now by saying, "How many past U.S. presidents are currently still alive?"  He didn't seem to know.  Or care.  Wait.  I *might* have made that question a little too hard.

4.  He seems to hallucinate on a regular basis and I am pretty sure he is not smoking crack cocaine.  One minute he's fine sniffing around the kitchen like a blood hound and the next minute he's barking and growling at nothing at all.  As far as I remember, none of my other kids have done this either.

5.  He's 10 weeks old and he is still distractable to the point of sometimes not being able to pee or eat.  If memory (albeit fading) serves me correctly, my human kids have been able to pee and poop at all times in their diapers and later at all times in all kinds of gas stations in between here and Dallas while being threatened heavily by me to NOT TOUCH ANYTHING. 

Just a little word of warning.  Please do not refer to me as Mommy unless you came directly from my womb and I'll take the same courtesy with you.  Happy Thursday friends!  Cheers!   

Monday, January 14, 2013

"When you accuse someone of having $hit on his shoes, make sure the source of the smell is not really you." Ms. Day in the Life

So, big news in the Day in the Life family.  We got a dog.  Yes, you read right.  The Leona Helmsley of Pet Haters got a dog over Christmas.  I have only 10 minutes to finish this post, so I won't go into a lot of detail.  I think a list would the most efficient way for me to vent catch you guys up.

1.  The puppy *could* be the reason I haven't blogged in days.

2.  I miss you all dearly and I promise to read all your hysterically funny and entertaining posts just as soon as I can leave puppy for more than 10 minutes without fearing I will have to clean pee or poop for the next 10 minutes.

3.  I don't like it when I go to my pediatricians office and I am referred to as "mom" by a 20 year old young thing who looks like Taylor Swift.  I kinda wanna throw up when I go to the veterinarian's office and I am referred to as "mom."  Mom of who, precisely?  In fact, I would rather listen to the Little People's video music on an endless loop until I poke my eyes out with sharp sticks.

4.  Am I that old?  When did #3 become a thing?  I cannot imagine people of my mother's era ever referring to dogs as the children of humans.  Is this a sign that I am super old?  Was Mrs. Miller Lassie's mom? 

5.  I have spent way too much time the past two weeks dwelling on #4.

6.  If there was a movie to be made of my life right now the title of that movie (undoubtedly a short) would be, "Waiting for the Dog Whisperer."

7.  It's hard to figure out this puppy.  He's a lot like a toddler but he doesn't even speak English some of the time and I never feel entirely comfortable cuddling him due to the fact that I don't like $hit on me.

8.  So that you fully understand #7 - I spent about an hour searching for the source of the $hit smell the other morning only to find puppy had gotten a teensy bit on my robe.  It was a simultaneously humbling and enraging moment.  Thank you, puppy.

9.  I have a million what ifs right now.  Here are just a few:  What if this dog can't learn to fetch?  What if this dog is never potty trained?  What if every time someone new comes into the house the dog pees on the floor?  What if we have to be like Richard Gere in Hachi and demonstrate how to fetch?  What if hubby actually does that?  What if this dog (that I kinda got in order for me to have a silent running partner) hates to run?  What if I make him do it anyway?  What if I really am heartless?  What if it is rainy and cold again for days on end and puppy still hates the rain and cold?  What if this drives me insane?

10.  So, I'm gonna end this by promising to be more faithful.  But, just know that some nasty Stomach Issues are running through our house (see how I did that?) and I really don't know which is more perplexing:  Trying to get children to vomit in the toilet and not on the floor or trying to figure out what a nine week old puppy wants.

I hope you guys are keeping all your resolutions while also keeping it real.  Happy third week of 2013!

Friday, January 4, 2013

January 4. Resolutions amended. I hate it when this happens.

In case you missed it, I made some half a$$ resolutions which now need to be amended............three days later.

If you don't click the link - I resolved to not go for seconds when eating.  I am amending this to:  I resolve to not go for thirds.  Or in the case that I go for thirds, I resolve to not go for fourths.  And this resolution is null and void on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays.  Damn it.

I also would like to add the following to my short list of resolutions.

1.  I resolve to never buy anything white for any member of my family ever again.  I also resolve to remember this resolution when I am at the store and there is something I want for one of us and the only color left is whitePut it back.

2.  I resolve to not put anything hubby has told me not to put in the disposal in the disposal (first and foremost:  silverware of any kind).  You're welcome, hubby.

3.  I resolve to not lock myself in the bathroom on cold, wet, and long days in which the children have gone absolutely insane and puppy has $hit on the floor.  Or rather - I resolve to not lock myself in the bathroom for longer than one hour or as long as it takes for the children to physically harm themselves and make the puppy wish he had been euthanized - whichever comes first.  You're welcome, puppy.

4.  I resolve to take my frustrations out on cleaning the house rather than draining the bottle.  (Why have I never thought of this one before?  I must be getting smarter as I age.)

5.  I resolve to not waste time on the internets anymore.  Ever.

6.  I resolve never to play any kind of trivia game with my children again until I am considerably smarter (more on this one later after I have regained a smidgen of my dignity).

There.  I think I'm done.  (#7 was:  I resolve to not get a puppy in 2013.  Technically I met that one because we signed the paperwork for our new puppy - who incidentally hates cold and rain and is as equally insane as my own children - on December 29, 2012.  Thank you, me!)

Is it too late to wish me a Happy f*cking New Year!?  If not, maybe you should!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

My New Year's resolution for you is for you to make New Year's resolutions.

I'm not a huge fan of resolutions, but I make them every year.  I've had moderate success over the years, so that seems reason enough not to stop.

In order to achieve some level of success and be a reliable resolution setter, I've learned to:  1.  Set the bar low.  2.  Make the number small.  3.  And, keep getting back on the wagon until it finally runs me over.

Resolutions 2013.

1.  I resolve to not interrupt any of my children or my husband when they are talking (I will also try not to interrupt anyone else, but see paragraph 2, #1).  I have an annoying habit of always thinking I know what everyone is going to say before they say it (nine times out of ten I am right).  So, I just say it while they are still talking trying to say what they were going to say.  Our conversations are basically one person talking (or a few people talking) and me interrupting (or a few people interrupting).  So, basically nothing ever gets completely said or understood. 

But, it's really hard for me not to interrupt....in fact I may already need to interrupt this resolution to amend it!  Damn it!  I resolve to not interrupt any of my children or my husband when they are talking on Mondays?

2.  I resolve not to go for seconds.  (I'm gonna need some bigger plates.)  My good friend recently lost a good amount of weight and when I asked her about how she did it she said, "I don't go for seconds.  Sometimes my plate is loaded down and somewhat hard to carry, but I do not go for seconds anymore."


I might need to buy these "extra large dinner plates."  And the fork and spoon might need to find my home, too.
 
3.  I resolve to exercise first thing in the morning.  Lately (since about Halloween) my workouts have gotten later and later.  I find myself spending all morning (and much of the early afternoon) in my workout clothes.  One of two things has been happening:  1.  It gets too late to actually workout and I realize I've spent a good deal of the day answering the questions - Oh, did you just run?  Oh, are you getting ready to run?  or 2.  I don't shower for days because I end up having just enough time to workout, but not to shower.  Both of these options are uncomfortable and problematic.


#lessembarrassingthechildren?
4.  I resolve to eat all the remaining crap food in the house by Monday.  I know better than to resolve to "eat healthy," or "lose the holiday weight gain," or any other overachieving resolution like that.  I simply want all this sh*t a$$ food out of my house so that I have a fighting chance...and I'm not going to throw it away (because there are starving people somewhere in the world who would give the world to eat these seven remaining fudge brownies).

5.  I resolve to make more resolutions for other people.  It never fails that while I am doing my resolutions I really can't think of many ways to improve myself.  But, I can think of many ways in which to improve the people I live with.  So, rather than let this eat away at me why not just help them resolve some things for themselves?  It's brilliant, right?

Resolution #1 for all family members (except me) - put things back where they belong...damn it!  I think if they all just did that we could have peace in our house for all of 2013 (or even just for a few days).

Okay.  That's it.  Five simple resolutions.  Set the bar low and make the number small!  And help your fellow resolutioners out when you can!

I hope you guys have success and peace in the New Year (and a little money wouldn't hurt either...or a lot of money) and I'll be back soon with photos of our new addition to the family.  (It's a boy!)
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