Friday, January 25, 2013

If a wild turkey tries to hit your Yukon, karma might be trying to get ya.

So, it's been a strange week over here at Day in the Life.  Here's the recap and in the interest of your capacity to pay attention I've tried to delete the less interesting happenings.

1.  I had the extreme pleasure of renewing my license that was about 200 years old.  In person.  With a four year old.  Here's a little taste of how that felt:  It took three hours and two minutes.  It was about 30 degrees that morning (which is around 10 degrees below zero by South Texas standards).  One hour and 15 minutes was spent outside the building (because there is a fire code - the audacity - and the building is about as big as my kitchen and so only about 10 people fit in there safely at one time - therefore the other 880 people in line have to wait outside the building).  The people are friendly despite working in a time-warp-like atmosphere where all the people you are waiting on look like zombies and feel like they have severe jet lag.  I made five new friends (and this is particularly shocking because as my good friends know my motto is, "I don't need any new friends.  I don't even like the friends I have.").  I think I was so tired and worn down I *may* have agreed to become Facebook friends with all of them.  And, despite hubby's precaution as I departed the house to "take a good picture," I looked like I'd been through war when I finally made it to the front of the line.  I was faced with the reality once again that age has not been good to me.  In my first photo I look fresh, young, and vibrant.  In my second photo....well, let's just say - I look haggard.  Here's a before/after and I'll let you all be judges.

The Before.  
The After.  (I dressed up for the occasion.  It didn't help.)
 
The "P.S." on this story is that a few days after I stood in line for three hours (I feel like Gilligan when I say that) this new one million square foot  DPS megaplex opened right down the street from my house.  (Of course.  Damn my city government for conspiring against me.)

I don't see anyone waiting in line there (in the freezing cold, with a four year old).
2.  I've had some run-ins with wildlife.  So, remember when I started $hit with some pesky raccoons?  Well, it seems they have some friends in our neighborhood and this might be the final retribution.  As you might know, we recently got a puppy.  And now something is trying to kill it.  I first saw who I am heretofore referring to as Will E Coyote or just WillEC a few days ago.  He was wandering through my backyard and he seemed like he really wanted to eat our puppy, Bandit.  I am too slow to get a good photo of him (I'm still working on that) but here's what he kinda looks like. 

I know.  I kinda want to pet him, too.  But, I would also like to live a little longer.

Anyway.  Considering coyotes can eat humans and small puppies I decided to watch Bandit carefully (and Girl 3).  Then, WillEC decided to disembowel a skunk and leave the carcass for us under our tree house.  That seemed like a little more of a sign that we *might* be in danger.  Of dying.  So, I stepped up my "basic and rational precautions a little."  (Like I decided to smear the blood of my forefathers on all of my doors and carry my crucifix with me at all times.) 

Then, yesterday I came home and WillEC was sniffing around my garbage cans.  Holy crap I thought.  This is the final retribution for all the raccoon shizzle last year.  I spent most of yesterday trying to figure out how I was going to step up my game.

Then, this guy crossed my path. 

Yeah, that's an approximately four foot tall wild turkey.  Side note:  WE DON'T LIVE IN THE WILD.  Cheesus H. Christ.
So, you guys - I might be in trouble.  Those raccoons seem to be winning right now.  I sense that they are somewhere out in the wild beyond my backyard having a good laugh at my expense.  I'm considering leaving them a note.  It will read something like this:

"I surrender.  You guys win.  Turns out you are smarter than me.  You can have all my garbage for the rest of my life.  Just LEAVE ME THE F*CK ALONE."

20 comments:

cb said...

i will let you rent snowball if you like ,,,he can have a backyard town hall meeting with the racoons but he is busy this week watching a rabbit hole. him and mousepaw aka kittan take turns one naps one watches so when they are done with that i will set up a playdate with snowball.. just keep bandit away he does'nt discreminate.

cb said...

p s i cant spell today

jamiew said...

leave them a copy of your *after* streisand pic along with that note, it might help.

Cassandra said...

This is hilarious. And horrifying. Yikes.

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shannon said...

You HAVE to watch Furry Vengeance, now, this weekend. It is stupid and the humor is of the 3 Stooges variety but I think you will be able relate.

Monica said...

@cb - oh, i think with all this wildlife over here i better not borrow a cat. ;o) @jamie - yes. brilliant. i will attach my photo. @cassandra - horrifying. i guess that's my life? @shannon - well, now i just might be intrigued.

Anonymous said...

Did you go to the Universal City one? That's the one where I encountered the mouse. But I did NOT have to wait three hours.
Would you like to borrow Wonderbutt for a few days to rid you of all the pesky wild animals?
~whatimeant2say

Monica said...

@whatimeant2say - no, i went to the babcock and 410 one that is oh about 10 square feet. when i read your post about the mouse i was pretty terrified. i am really scared of mice, rats, and most any rodent. along with making new friends i was constantly trying to scan the floor for fast scurrying animals. do you think WB could take a coyote? i think he'd probably befriend the wild turkey? because they are both kind of goofy looking? (in a really good way.)

Leigh Powell Hines said...

Why was it so darn busy?

Monica said...

@leigh - seriously. beats the hell out of me.

Nomads By Nature said...

OK, fess up. You have not peed around the perimeter of your trashcans -- or yard for that matter, have you? Tellin' ya, get your yard marked off with the wiz of an enemy - it'll do ya.

Monica said...

NOMADS - i'm so happy you commented this because last night while we were watching tv hubby went to "take a leak" and when he left OUTSIDE i was all, "i thought you were gonna pee." he said, "i did. all around the garbage cans." great?

Nomads By Nature said...

Desperate times. Desperate measures. :)

WeezaFish said...

Monicaaaaa! Gee, I love a bit of wildlife in my garden but this is a bit much man. Did the peeing work?! Intrigued from Joburg would like to know ha! We had a baboon in our neighbourhood once, he used to mug folk on their way home and pinch their shopping!

Monica said...

@weeza - oh, you crack me up. a mugging baboon??? yeesh. that sounds a little nutty. and scary! yeah. the peeing seems to have worked. i've not seen or heard anything in the past two days. hubby has vowed to pee around the perimeter of the whole yard. ;o)

Shannon said...

Nomads Tooo funny!!!!! And I can totally see her husband doing that. Someday you are going to have to travel back to TX for the Catfish and Miss Monica (and me off course we'll coordinate our R&R! LOL)

Monica I can vouch for the mugging baboons. When we went to Victoria Falls a few years ago now the baboons were going down through the parking lot pulling on door handles looking for cars whose owners were foolish enough to leave a car unlocked. I have HUGE issues with animals that can open a closed car door. EEEK!!

Also my water cooler, you know the big red one that we used to use for all the parties, looks like it has been attacked by a vampire with fang marks all over it, but really it was baboons trying to get at the water inside it. UGH!!!!!

Nomads By Nature said...

Cyberbones: Would totally travel back to Texas just for you and Monica, pass on the catfish but pass those onion rings! Am contemplating how I could show up for her birthday with a life size Grim Reaper pinata in tow without security issues. Family is now in New Mexico so I don't know when Texas will happen next. Maybe I can get my oldest to apply to college there for my social life benefit? Would love to meet both you ladies in person! You guys crack me up! Need that especially now. A bit rough and low here at post.

Anonymous said...

That was pretty wise, not to go to the place with the mouse. And, no I don't think Wonderbutt would make friends with the turkey. I think there would be feathers and a beak strewn all over my living room floor.
~whatimeant2say

Monica said...

@nomads - i can recommend several fine universities in our state. shannon and i will travel to where you are and we can just smack the grim reaper wherever we end up? i think going through customs with that guy would be the best blog post ever. (sorry you are down - sending you virtual hugs.)@shannon - yeah. animals that can open doors? no. thank. you. @whatimeant2say - i would like to just see the lead up to the fight between WB and the wild turkey. i imagine a lot of circling around with head bobbing or nodding. (yes, i've probably thought about that too much and yes, it is the middle of an insomnia night.)

Share it