We might need a paternity test.

So, if you're a regular (God help you), you know that I am a pet hater and we just got a puppy.  One of my many pet peeves (see how I just did that?) is being referred to as puppy's mommy.  Even typing that made me throw up a little in my mouth. 

The following is a short testament as to why we are all screwed if I am indeed this pup's mom.  Clearly he has learned nothing in his short 10 weeks of life and he might be adopted or at the very least have a different dad than the others.  (Don't tell hubby.)

1.  He eats his own $hit.  No.  lie.  None of my other kids did this.  Well, except one and it wasn't her $hit and it wasn't her fault (it was hubby's fault - naturally).  And that is another story for another post (oh, and years and years of therapy when she's an adult).

2.  He is a pound puppy so we are not sure what he is except that it is undoubtedly not pure bred.  But, he thinks he is a chihuahua in that he has a distorted self esteem and he doesn't see the world as it really is.  He growls and barks at the bucks in our backyard (which weigh approximately 800 times as much as he does) and then races over to where I am standing and crouches behind me.  This is Not Too Smart.  I'd like to think the other kids are Smarter Than This.

3.  Although friends have said border collies (if he even has any border collie blood in his mutt body) are exceptionally smart, I have seen no evidence of that.  He and I have yet to play Trivial Pursuit, but I'm guessing - since he eats his own $hit - I would have a good chance of beating him.  My other kids beat the pants off of me in any trivia game.  It doesn't take much, but I'm still confident I could beat puppy.  I tested him just now by saying, "How many past U.S. presidents are currently still alive?"  He didn't seem to know.  Or care.  Wait.  I *might* have made that question a little too hard.

4.  He seems to hallucinate on a regular basis and I am pretty sure he is not smoking crack cocaine.  One minute he's fine sniffing around the kitchen like a blood hound and the next minute he's barking and growling at nothing at all.  As far as I remember, none of my other kids have done this either.

5.  He's 10 weeks old and he is still distractable to the point of sometimes not being able to pee or eat.  If memory (albeit fading) serves me correctly, my human kids have been able to pee and poop at all times in their diapers and later at all times in all kinds of gas stations in between here and Dallas while being threatened heavily by me to NOT TOUCH ANYTHING. 

Just a little word of warning.  Please do not refer to me as Mommy unless you came directly from my womb and I'll take the same courtesy with you.  Happy Thursday friends!  Cheers!