Thursday, January 17, 2013

We might need a paternity test.

So, if you're a regular (God help you), you know that I am a pet hater and we just got a puppy.  One of my many pet peeves (see how I just did that?) is being referred to as puppy's mommy.  Even typing that made me throw up a little in my mouth. 

The following is a short testament as to why we are all screwed if I am indeed this pup's mom.  Clearly he has learned nothing in his short 10 weeks of life and he might be adopted or at the very least have a different dad than the others.  (Don't tell hubby.)

1.  He eats his own $hit.  No.  lie.  None of my other kids did this.  Well, except one and it wasn't her $hit and it wasn't her fault (it was hubby's fault - naturally).  And that is another story for another post (oh, and years and years of therapy when she's an adult).

2.  He is a pound puppy so we are not sure what he is except that it is undoubtedly not pure bred.  But, he thinks he is a chihuahua in that he has a distorted self esteem and he doesn't see the world as it really is.  He growls and barks at the bucks in our backyard (which weigh approximately 800 times as much as he does) and then races over to where I am standing and crouches behind me.  This is Not Too Smart.  I'd like to think the other kids are Smarter Than This.

3.  Although friends have said border collies (if he even has any border collie blood in his mutt body) are exceptionally smart, I have seen no evidence of that.  He and I have yet to play Trivial Pursuit, but I'm guessing - since he eats his own $hit - I would have a good chance of beating him.  My other kids beat the pants off of me in any trivia game.  It doesn't take much, but I'm still confident I could beat puppy.  I tested him just now by saying, "How many past U.S. presidents are currently still alive?"  He didn't seem to know.  Or care.  Wait.  I *might* have made that question a little too hard.

4.  He seems to hallucinate on a regular basis and I am pretty sure he is not smoking crack cocaine.  One minute he's fine sniffing around the kitchen like a blood hound and the next minute he's barking and growling at nothing at all.  As far as I remember, none of my other kids have done this either.

5.  He's 10 weeks old and he is still distractable to the point of sometimes not being able to pee or eat.  If memory (albeit fading) serves me correctly, my human kids have been able to pee and poop at all times in their diapers and later at all times in all kinds of gas stations in between here and Dallas while being threatened heavily by me to NOT TOUCH ANYTHING. 

Just a little word of warning.  Please do not refer to me as Mommy unless you came directly from my womb and I'll take the same courtesy with you.  Happy Thursday friends!  Cheers!   


Shannon said...

Could I have referred to you as Maverick's mom?

And am I also to assume you will not be referring to the puppy as your "fur kid"? Honestly someone introduced their cats to me that way. Ummmm....I actually don;t especially like cats, not even my own. Fluffy was an exception.

jamiew said...

puppy might be mixed with lab, which in that case (no offense to lab lovers) your dog has quite a little bit of crazy in it. google it.
but it is awfully darn cute, so good luck with that.

Terri said...

LOL. Mrs. P.I.B. eats her own sh!t, too. Very disconcerting.

Anonymous said...

Ack! So that last comment was me, obviously. Unless you know someone named Mrs. P.I.B. Which would be even more disconcerting if she was a person and not a dog.

Now that you know my true identity, I may have to hire someone to wipe you out - but I think the puppy is already doing a pretty good job of that.

Mind Margins said...

One of my dogs eats her own poop, too. She's also a licker. Yeah, totally gross. And I HATE when people refer to my dogs as my "kids" and me and my husband as "mom and dad." I already have two human children, and my dogs are my dogs. Nothing else. Really! And do you ever watch "The Dog Whisperer?" The creepiest is when someone refers to their dog as "their best friend." Really? I find that disturbing.

Monica said...

@shannon - i *almost* would agree to being maverick's mom. "fur kid?" that's just creepy. @jamiew - yeah, i'm guessing labs are not too smart? but i am afraid to google it. @whatimeant2say - ha! your comments made me laugh. out loud. wipe me out? oh, friend. that has sooooooo already been done. hubby, kids, puppy. really? i am almost dead at this point. ;o) @mind margins - there's one vet gal who sugary sweet calls the puppy "baby" and me "mommy." it's almost too much for me. i almost just want to fall on a sharp stick when she does that.

Jae said...

I am dying! We are cut from the same cloth! Elsie is dumb as $hit too. She never, ever ate her own poo, but loves to eat the cats'! Ewww!!!

Monica said...

@jae - the vet actually spoke these words to me, "cat poop is a fine delicacy for some dogs." i said, "fabulous." today it got better. our wonderful house cleaner had just mopped the upstairs and girl 3 came in with dog poop all over her boots and went directly upstairs where she managed to step every.freaking.where.

Nomads By Nature said...

there may be hope. possibly you need a maternity test where you could prove you are not the mother of your adopted fur child. Do they have those out there?