Monday, January 14, 2013

"When you accuse someone of having $hit on his shoes, make sure the source of the smell is not really you." Ms. Day in the Life

So, big news in the Day in the Life family.  We got a dog.  Yes, you read right.  The Leona Helmsley of Pet Haters got a dog over Christmas.  I have only 10 minutes to finish this post, so I won't go into a lot of detail.  I think a list would the most efficient way for me to vent catch you guys up.

1.  The puppy *could* be the reason I haven't blogged in days.

2.  I miss you all dearly and I promise to read all your hysterically funny and entertaining posts just as soon as I can leave puppy for more than 10 minutes without fearing I will have to clean pee or poop for the next 10 minutes.

3.  I don't like it when I go to my pediatricians office and I am referred to as "mom" by a 20 year old young thing who looks like Taylor Swift.  I kinda wanna throw up when I go to the veterinarian's office and I am referred to as "mom."  Mom of who, precisely?  In fact, I would rather listen to the Little People's video music on an endless loop until I poke my eyes out with sharp sticks.

4.  Am I that old?  When did #3 become a thing?  I cannot imagine people of my mother's era ever referring to dogs as the children of humans.  Is this a sign that I am super old?  Was Mrs. Miller Lassie's mom? 

5.  I have spent way too much time the past two weeks dwelling on #4.

6.  If there was a movie to be made of my life right now the title of that movie (undoubtedly a short) would be, "Waiting for the Dog Whisperer."

7.  It's hard to figure out this puppy.  He's a lot like a toddler but he doesn't even speak English some of the time and I never feel entirely comfortable cuddling him due to the fact that I don't like $hit on me.

8.  So that you fully understand #7 - I spent about an hour searching for the source of the $hit smell the other morning only to find puppy had gotten a teensy bit on my robe.  It was a simultaneously humbling and enraging moment.  Thank you, puppy.

9.  I have a million what ifs right now.  Here are just a few:  What if this dog can't learn to fetch?  What if this dog is never potty trained?  What if every time someone new comes into the house the dog pees on the floor?  What if we have to be like Richard Gere in Hachi and demonstrate how to fetch?  What if hubby actually does that?  What if this dog (that I kinda got in order for me to have a silent running partner) hates to run?  What if I make him do it anyway?  What if I really am heartless?  What if it is rainy and cold again for days on end and puppy still hates the rain and cold?  What if this drives me insane?

10.  So, I'm gonna end this by promising to be more faithful.  But, just know that some nasty Stomach Issues are running through our house (see how I did that?) and I really don't know which is more perplexing:  Trying to get children to vomit in the toilet and not on the floor or trying to figure out what a nine week old puppy wants.

I hope you guys are keeping all your resolutions while also keeping it real.  Happy third week of 2013!


jamiew said...

#3 you did not birth the puppy, therefore you are not it's mommy, however vet techs might find it easier to anthropomorphize your pets into children because it's easier to say "mom" than "adoptive pet owner"

#9 what if your hubby was Richard Gere? that might be some kind of wonderful puppy magic.

Muddy Philanthropy said...

So you're saying you got a dog, he looks like Richard Gere and you can't leave him alone or he'll $#%$@ himself?

....Man, I have to work on my reading comprehension.

Monica said...

@jamiew - you win big, momma!!! anthropomorphize. googling it now. longest word someone has ever left in the comments on my blog. :) award to follow. if hubby was richard gere - i would not be writing this stinkin' blog. @muddy philanthropy - i'll summarize for you of little reading comprehension ability: yes, we got a dog. he looks a little like richard pryor. he does $hit himself. we both hate cold and rain. i wish i was married to richard gere.

Nomads By Nature said...

Smelling your pain. I just washed all our coats yesterday because I finally located the urine smell back to them from hauling our new puppy from the kennel to the door to go down the elevator, through the lobby, down the deadly ice-slope walk to where she can officially relieve herself. She is estimated to be barely 4 months now and I have seen a bit of progress this past month. There is hope ahead.

And yes, you will be forever known as Mom to the dog. To those people you meet in the future you will be known as your kids' mom or the dog's mom, depending on which entertaining little one they meet first. But puppy kisses and greeting at the door are just as heart melting as kids' hugging you or saying thank you and telling you they love you as you tuck them in at night.

Hang in there. At least you don't have two dogs waking the whole house up to let you know that the roving security patrol is outside your door at 4 am because they are about to inform you that your keys are still in the door from the 3:15 am pee walk that you just finally started to fall back asleep after. I SO MISS HAVING A YARD AND GROUND LEVEL LIVING.

Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous said...

I remember when the vet referred to me as Gypsy's mother. You've never seen a cat give a more contemptible look! I suppose he wasn't to know that she's actually a ruthless feline dictator planning world domination, and I'm merely there to open the fridge so she can have chicken on demand.

Monica said...

@nomads - oh, woman. you are a saint and i feel certain that if there is a heaven (besides chocolate) - you are securing your place there. i am not sure this dog can learn (and i am referring to the puppy, not myself - although, it's debatable whether i can learn, either). puppy kisses? hmm. i am a cat person, so i'm just not sure that will melt my heart? he is growing on me, though. ;) @kellie - i am such a cat person. cat's are so easy - except when they are not. and that *might* be what makes me love them so.

Mind Margins said...

Oh my. Your post reminds me why we adopted our dogs when they were six months old and already house trained. I highly recommend it! Sure, we missed all the really cute puppiness, but I think it may have been worth it?!!!?

Monica said...

@mind margins - yeah. i am kinda of regretting not pushing the "not puppy" thing. girl 1 went straight for the puppy and granted he is a cute little guy. i'm just not sure what kind of smarts he has. ;)

Leigh Powell Hines said...

Oh my goodness! What a mess. What type of dog? The robe thing is kind of funny.

Monica said...

@leigh - we got a pound puppy because when i researched the golden retriever puppy that i wanted (in an attempt to resurrect our dead golden) it was $2,500. so, because i would like to eat for the rest of the year - we got a pound puppy for $81.00.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE that you looked everywhere for the source of the stink and it was you! That is totally something I would do!!!!