1. The puppy *could* be the reason I haven't blogged in days.
2. I miss you all dearly and I promise to read all your hysterically funny and entertaining posts just as soon as I can leave puppy for more than 10 minutes without fearing I will have to clean pee or poop for the next 10 minutes.
3. I don't like it when I go to my pediatricians office and I am referred to as "mom" by a 20 year old young thing who looks like Taylor Swift. I kinda wanna throw up when I go to the veterinarian's office and I am referred to as "mom." Mom of who, precisely? In fact, I would rather listen to the Little People's video music on an endless loop until I poke my eyes out with sharp sticks.
4. Am I that old? When did #3 become a thing? I cannot imagine people of my mother's era ever referring to dogs as the children of humans. Is this a sign that I am super old? Was Mrs. Miller Lassie's mom?
5. I have spent way too much time the past two weeks dwelling on #4.
6. If there was a movie to be made of my life right now the title of that movie (undoubtedly a short) would be, "Waiting for the Dog Whisperer."
7. It's hard to figure out this puppy. He's a lot like a toddler but he doesn't even speak English some of the time and I never feel entirely comfortable cuddling him due to the fact that I don't like $hit on me.
8. So that you fully understand #7 - I spent about an hour searching for the source of the $hit smell the other morning only to find puppy had gotten a teensy bit on my robe. It was a simultaneously humbling and enraging moment. Thank you, puppy.
9. I have a million what ifs right now. Here are just a few: What if this dog can't learn to fetch? What if this dog is never potty trained? What if every time someone new comes into the house the dog pees on the floor? What if we have to be like Richard Gere in Hachi and demonstrate how to fetch? What if hubby actually does that? What if this dog (that I kinda got in order for me to have a silent running partner) hates to run? What if I make him do it anyway? What if I really am heartless? What if it is rainy and cold again for days on end and puppy still hates the rain and cold? What if this drives me insane?
10. So, I'm gonna end this by promising to be more faithful. But, just know that some nasty Stomach Issues are running through our house (see how I did that?) and I really don't know which is more perplexing: Trying to get children to vomit in the toilet and not on the floor or trying to figure out what a nine week old puppy wants.
I hope you guys are keeping all your resolutions while also keeping it real. Happy third week of 2013!