Sorry, y'all. I'm busy procrastinating....I mean drinking....I mean procrastinating.

So, it's been a family filled summer so far.  Here's what I've learned.

1.  Someone made a wine for me.  (Not to be confused with a whine for me.  Someone made that for me a long, long time ago.)

Notice the little person relaxing at her desk?  She's clearly a woman.  To which I say, "Huh?"  In my extensive research and experience, men procrastinate far more than women.  Amirite?

2.  I've lost weight.  Maybe.  My swimsuit bottoms almost fell off in the pool today.  This could be because:  I have lost weight.  My swimsuit bottom elastic has completely lost its elasticity.  Or, I am a really bad swimmer.  I am going with - I lost weight.  So, yay!  And, boo.  Because now I have to shop again.

3.  Because during the first week of summer our kids were turning into computer screens, communicating with acronyms, and pausing their games only to toilet themselves and eat, hubby and I decided we had to somehow limit their technology use.

We have now limited it to the point where our kids hate us so much they might move out before school starts again in August. 

We arrived at this status via a surprising move last Sunday evening, when we voted in my family.  The two options up for vote were:  1.  Kids will use technology only on Saturday and Sunday for unlimited use.  There will be no technology use Monday - Friday.  Or, 2. kids use technology for one hour a day at the same hour Sunday - Saturday.  The kids voted for Option 2, and for one full week we have battled and argued each and every day about how many minutes are in a freaking hour.

Seriously?  Tuesday I thought Girl 2 was having the DTs because we had to stop her game and leave the house during her "one hour."

4.  I am addicted to Daft Punk.  My kids are happy, but a little concerned about me.  Have a listen and you'll soon be addicted, too.  You're welcome.

5.  I have been unable to run with puppy because he threw my hip out pulling me and I am recovering with large doses of Aleve, chocolate, and beer.  So, I am getting no exercise and gaining weight.  And he is getting no exercise and acting like a maniac.  This has created a vicious cycle similar to drug dependency.  He is hyper because no one is exercising him and no one wants to exercise him because he's too damn hyper.  Cheesus.

Hubby had a moment of pure genius earlier and declared, "We should have named puppy "Technology" because then everyone would want to play with him."

That, folks, has been my summer thus far.  How have you been?

It's not the Oscars.

I'm in a weird state right now.  It's called the state of confusion.  So, this is not really a post, but more of an Andy Rooneyish list of things that are bugging me.  (You're welcome and I'm sorry because Andy Rooney bugs me, too.)

1.  What the hell is really in Thin Mints?  Crack cocaine?  Is there anyone in the world that can eat just one?  I can resist them until about February 25th and then I'm like an addict that needs a fix.  I eat one and I see bugs crawling all over me.  Until I eat another one and then I feel a little better.  And then I eat the whole box and I stop shaking.  Why are the Girl Scouts trying to kill me?

2.  Why is my puppy such a nut?  Is it because he's a pound puppy?  Is that why he is compelled to never leave our sight?  Do I like this?  Or, do I just think it's weird?  Is he an idiot savant?  Heavy on the idiot?  Because he can almost open the front door with his paw.  Yeah.  Top that!  I dare you.  My family might actually have a chance on America's Got Talent.

3.  Why did I pay the public library enough money in fines in 2012 to claim it on my fu*king taxes?  Why am I over 30 and still this irresponsible?  Why can't library books come with tasers?  Because I think if I got tasered every time my library books were due, I'd have a fighting chance.

4.  Why is our elementary school talent show such a pain in my a$$?  Why am I not ecstatic that my 11 year old boy wants to play a classical piano piece (that he is actually really good at playing) in the talent show the last year that he will be in elementary school???  Is it because the talent show is rumored to last over two hours and I will have to take hubby and the four year old?  Or is it because if I have to hear even one elementary school girl sing any Taylor Swift song I will vomit in my mouth?  Or could it be because there have been more rehearsals for this talent show than there were rehearsals for the Oscars?  And are there even rehearsals for the Oscars?  Cheesus.

5.  Why have I gained back all the weight I lost last spring in order to be seen in a bathing suit which I will have to be seen in again in another few months?  (Besides #1.)  Why was I born with no will power? 

6.  Why do I have to teach my 11, 10, and 8 year olds how to take their clothes off properly?  Why are we not born knowing how to take off clothes so that they do not need to be inside outed a gazillion times before we can wear them again after washing and drying them?  If I could make a deal with God and trade the innate ability to suckle with the innate ability to know how to remove clothes for easy laundering - I'd do it.

7.  Why does Girl 3 never stop talking?  And where is her volume control knob?  And, what frankly, is she talking about half the time?  Her east coast (?) accent is making her more and more difficult to understand and more than a few times this past month I've had to say after taking serious time to think about her inquiry, "What are you talking about for Pete's sake?"  And then I have to bite my lip when she asks loudly, "Mama, who's Pete?"  Cheesus.

8.  Are the people who developed tax forms and the people who developed business plan templates one in the same?  Because I would consider loading up all my kids to go shop for bathing suits with bad lighting, pasty skin, fat on my belly and eight beady eyes staring at me in order to avoid both of them.

9.  Why when I am carrying two of something (two lipsticks, two sets of keys, two pairs of glasses, two pens, etc.) and I reach for one without being able to see it - do I always grab the one I don't want?  And why doesn't it work to try and trick my own mind?  And why am I crazy enough to try that? 

10.  And while I'm at it, why do I have 1000 pairs of glasses, but I still can't see worth a damn?  Frankly, it's ridiculous.  I have four pairs of bifocals (two downstairs, one upstairs, one in my purse), two pairs of prescription glasses, two pairs of prescription sunglasses, about a $hit ton of non-prescription sunglasses (usually, none of which I can find), and four boxes of contacts for two different prescriptions.  Invariably I leave the house with my glasses on (while it's dark or cloudy) and only non-prescription sunglasses in my purse only to have the sun (which hasn't been seen in days) blaze brightly in the sky out of nofreakingwhere.



denverebayclassifieds.com.  Yes, someone was selling these for $200.00.  Me to Hubby, "I'm gonna be rich!"

There's more, but you have important things to do.  At least I hope you do.  Like your taxes or a business plan.  While you're at it - help yourself to a box of Thin Mints...for me.

My New Year's resolution for you is for you to make New Year's resolutions.

I'm not a huge fan of resolutions, but I make them every year.  I've had moderate success over the years, so that seems reason enough not to stop.

In order to achieve some level of success and be a reliable resolution setter, I've learned to:  1.  Set the bar low.  2.  Make the number small.  3.  And, keep getting back on the wagon until it finally runs me over.

Resolutions 2013.

1.  I resolve to not interrupt any of my children or my husband when they are talking (I will also try not to interrupt anyone else, but see paragraph 2, #1).  I have an annoying habit of always thinking I know what everyone is going to say before they say it (nine times out of ten I am right).  So, I just say it while they are still talking trying to say what they were going to say.  Our conversations are basically one person talking (or a few people talking) and me interrupting (or a few people interrupting).  So, basically nothing ever gets completely said or understood. 

But, it's really hard for me not to interrupt....in fact I may already need to interrupt this resolution to amend it!  Damn it!  I resolve to not interrupt any of my children or my husband when they are talking on Mondays?

2.  I resolve not to go for seconds.  (I'm gonna need some bigger plates.)  My good friend recently lost a good amount of weight and when I asked her about how she did it she said, "I don't go for seconds.  Sometimes my plate is loaded down and somewhat hard to carry, but I do not go for seconds anymore."



I might need to buy these "extra large dinner plates."  And the fork and spoon might need to find my home, too.
 

3.  I resolve to exercise first thing in the morning.  Lately (since about Halloween) my workouts have gotten later and later.  I find myself spending all morning (and much of the early afternoon) in my workout clothes.  One of two things has been happening:  1.  It gets too late to actually workout and I realize I've spent a good deal of the day answering the questions - Oh, did you just run?  Oh, are you getting ready to run?  or 2.  I don't shower for days because I end up having just enough time to workout, but not to shower.  Both of these options are uncomfortable and problematic.



#lessembarrassingthechildren?

4.  I resolve to eat all the remaining crap food in the house by Monday.  I know better than to resolve to "eat healthy," or "lose the holiday weight gain," or any other overachieving resolution like that.  I simply want all this sh*t a$$ food out of my house so that I have a fighting chance...and I'm not going to throw it away (because there are starving people somewhere in the world who would give the world to eat these seven remaining fudge brownies).

5.  I resolve to make more resolutions for other people.  It never fails that while I am doing my resolutions I really can't think of many ways to improve myself.  But, I can think of many ways in which to improve the people I live with.  So, rather than let this eat away at me why not just help them resolve some things for themselves?  It's brilliant, right?

Resolution #1 for all family members (except me) - put things back where they belong...damn it!  I think if they all just did that we could have peace in our house for all of 2013 (or even just for a few days).

Okay.  That's it.  Five simple resolutions.  Set the bar low and make the number small!  And help your fellow resolutioners out when you can!

I hope you guys have success and peace in the New Year (and a little money wouldn't hurt either...or a lot of money) and I'll be back soon with photos of our new addition to the family.  (It's a boy!)

Crack German Dark Chocolate Cake (presumably with gluten)

I blame my brother for my latest indulgence in dark chocolate gooiness heaven.  He had to have a birthday.  Damn him.  My brother's favorite cake is German chocolate and I have a tradition of making him a cake.  It used to be a box cake.  Then a few years ago when I got snappy and decided to give up as many preservatives as I could, it became homemade.

I went through a few German chocolate cake recipes, y'all.  And, although they were good - I think German chocolate cake is supposed to be a bit less sweet (and less moist?) than regular chocolate cake.  If you are a professional reading this post, please tell me if I am mistaken.  Because my cakes were coming out less sweet and slightly dry, I cannot tell you that I was really in love with any of the recipes I tried.

Last year the German chocolate cake I made had about 25 eggs in it, so I renamed that one Heart Attack Cake.  And, for all those eggs, it wasn't all that great.

Well, this year with the help of a good friend I made Crack Cake (named that by me because it is habit forming within seconds of eating it and you might go to jail when someone tries to eat your piece and you stab them with a fork).

It is hands down the best chocolate cake I have ever eaten.  In my life.  (And I've tried a lot of chocolate cake just ask my waistline.)  If you try it and it's awful then clearly it is because my cake making skills are awesome and superior to yours.  Since we all know that's not true, then you should make it and it will be habit forming for you as it was with me.

Here's the recipe (from the box of Hershey's Especially Dark Chocolate):  Don't blame me if you need rehab afterwards.

Hershey's Especially Dark Chocolate (Habit Forming) Crack Cake

2 c sugar
1 3/4 c flour (I used cake flour because I had some in the pantry and it said "cake flour.")
3/4 c Hershey's Special Dark Cocoa
1 1/2 t baking powder
1 1/2 t baking soda
1 t salt
2 eggs
1 c milk
1/2 c vegetable oil
2 t vanilla
1 c boiling water

Heat over to 350.  Grease and flour two 9 inch round baking pans (I used a 9 x 13 because my kids hate coconut and it's easier for them to scrape off their frosting - and put it on my cake - when there is less to scrape.).  Stir together sugar, flour, cocoa, baking powder, baking soda and salt in a large bowl.  Add eggs, milk, oil and vanilla; beat on medium speed of mixer 2 minutes (I beat mine way longer because I went to pay some bills - I am a genius multi-tasker - and forgot the Kitchen Aide was on).  Stir in boiling water (batter will be thin).  Pour batter into prepared pans.  Bake 30 to 35 minutes or until toothpick comes out clean.  Cool 10 minutes, remove from pans to wire rack.

There is no Nutrition Information on this one.  I'm gonna estimate the calories from fat at somewhere around 1000 (especially since you're gonna want about five pieces).

We had about four pieces leftover that my family took home and they were DELISH the second day.  (Not that I ate all four pieces the second day.) 

Family report on the cake?  Hubby - who doesn't really care for chocolate - damn him - said it was super yummy.  Girl 1 said she liked German chocolate cake frosting now.  Girl 2, 3 and Boy Child ate it without frosting and with ice cream and said it was good.

I've been using the same recipe for the frosting for years because it is super easy and I can almost remember all the ingredients.  Here is the frosting recipe.  It's delish - not that this cake even needs frosting.  It would be excellent with a steaming hot cuppa joe.

I'll be working out a little more this week in an effort to work off the calories from this cake.  I don't say this much, but y'all, it was so yummy it was worth every calorie.

Happy eating!

In which I bake something gluten free.

I know I owe you a "vacation post," but that might make you vomit a little in your mouth, so instead I am going to give you something that decidedly will not make you vomit (unless you don't like chocolate or peanut butter in which case stop reading now to avoid soiling your screen).

After we got home from vacation I was struck with some sort of strange illness that made me want to cook and bake. 

Not only did I cook and bake, I made something that is gluten free (What the hell is gluten anyway?  I don't freakin' know.), and wheat free. 

I know. 

Is that even possible?  How does it cook in the oven if it doesn't have wheat?  I know.  These are all questions I asked myself, too. 

Read and learn, grasshoppa.  Read and learn.

So, you know I have a sweet tooth the size of Georgia, right?  I mean it's huge.  I can eat so much chocolate it's insane.  And, usually I can't stop.  So, when I started the journey toward more healthy eating for my family a few years ago I did not start with sweets.  I did stop buying sweets and I started only making them.  But, all the sweets I make are still pretty bad-for-you.

Until I found this recipe for peanut butter chocolate bites that sounded fairly healthy and weird.  Now, I am not really a fan of Reese's cups, but I am a fan of sweetness.  Again, where other people say, "Oh, this is too sweet for me."  My body sees that as a challenge.  I have never tasted something that was too sweet for me.  So, when I read this recipe I thought, "Hmm.  That sounds kinda good, very sweet, and abnormal.  I think I'll make it."  You'll see the weird abnormal part in a bit.

Here's the recipe. 
Grain-Free Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Bites (I called it Reese's Bites which is a whole lot more palatable in my opinion.)
1 1/4 cup canned chickpeas rinsed and patted dry
2 t vanilla extract
1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons natural peanut butter
1/4 cup of honey
1 t baking powder
Pinch of salt
1/2 cup dark chocolate chips

In a food processor, combine chickpeas, vanilla, peanut butter, honey, baking powder and salt.  Mix until smooth.  Stir in chocolate chips.  Wet hands and form balls about 1 1/2 inch in size (small because they are sweet).  Place on a parchment lined cookie sheet and bake at 350 for about 10 minutes.

Nutrition info (which I actually have started reading): 140 calories (49.4 from fat), 8 g fat, 0 mg cholesterol, 150 mg sodium, 14 g carbs, 2 g dietary fiber, 4 g protein.

Okay, did you see the weird part?  Yeah, I don't think I've ever eaten chickpeas.

But, these are yummy, y'all. 

My kids loved them.  Especially Girl 1 - who has a sweet tooth as big as mine.  And, these have made homework for two days so much more bearable.

So, my point?  I guess we don't need gluten or wheat, but I'm not sure. 

I have made a few more voyages into uncharted food terrains these past few weeks, which I will post about soon.  Until then, I hope you are enjoying the beginning of school year 2012.  The past two days in our lives promises that it will be interesting if nothing else.  If you have a healthy sweet recipe for me - link it!  My waistline thanks you!

My advice to you: Seek advice. (You're welcome.)

As I write this post I am listening to this radio show about the lottery.  Here's what I am thinking:

1.  I am going to assume that none of the ten people that read my blog won the Mega-Gazillion Record Breaking That'salottafu(%ingmoney lottery.  But, since not all the winners have come forward, I guess it's still possible.  So, here's the thing (and, I'm just going to be forward and upfront with this):  If you won and you are reading this, can you float me a loan?  For God's sake, you have like 151,800 MILLION dollars.  I won't be greedy.  All I need is about $6,000.  Okay, just thought I'd get that out of the way.

2.  Sandra Hayes really makes me jealous (good thing I did not give up jealousy for Lent).  Not only did she win the Powerball lottery in 2006, she went on to write a book entitled, How Winning the Lottery Changed My Life.  Jealous.  And a teensy bit ticked off.  The jealous part:  I want to win the lottery AND I want to write a book.  The ticked off part:  Let me promise you and be clear with this, faithful blog readers, when I write my book I will have a more creative title than that.  Good grief.  Really???  And she has more money than GOD???  Is she just taunting me?

3.   Stephen Martino, Maryland Lottery Director, says that "their" advice to lottery winners is:  seek advice.  I like that.  My advice to you is:  Seek advice.  Nice touch, Stephen.  Apparently he is wise like a turtle (more on that later).  Frankly, I am stealing that wisdom gem.  In fact, I already did.  And, I will use it in the spoken word at my first opportunity today (probably to my kids or hubby).  Thanks, Mr. Lottery Director.

Okay, now on to my real post for today.

Today is going to be a hodge-podge of things that I have been wanting to tell you.  There are quite a few - feel free to treat it like a menu (but just know that I am kind of like Rachel Ray, so you might not want to skip anything).

1.  I had a revelation (huge - kinda like a biblical one) yesterday.  I went to pick up my kids at school and there is a woman in the office who reads my blog (shocking, I know).  We are not close friends, but I like this lady (and not just because she reads my blog).  For the purpose of this post I am going to call her J.A. (the A. stands for amazing because she has the willpower of God).  We chatted a few seconds and she told me she had read this post.  To which, of course, I said a huge thank you.  BUT (here's the great part), not only did she read the post she CLICKED THE LINK and read my awesome nieces' post. 

Now, it's kind of hard to blog when you are a little person like me.  Not hard like working on World Peace, or fighting the war, or feeding the masses of starving people in the world, or working in customer service at Wal-Mart.  Okay, so maybe it's not hard.  I just sometimes wonder (and possibly hubby *wonders* too):  to what purpose am I blogging?  I'd like to think I know, but I really don't.   And sometimes this not knowing can lead to frustration, drinking, and just wanting to end my blog.  I spend a lot of time researching what the heck I am doing and why I am doing this (hubby calls this procrastinating, not researching???) and reading posts like Why I Blog.  Well, I am here to tell you I have figured it out. 

J.A. went on to tell me that she had really enjoyed my post and gotten some recipes off my nieces' blog that she was going to try.  Her words, "Thank you!"  That's when the light bulb went off:  I blog to help others, people!!!  I know now.  I blog to help YOU.  Now, here's the thing.  I am not an expert on anything!  I'm not a great mom, cook, cleaner, DIYer, or blogger.  But, I am so happy that I have helped you to be a less perfect mom (because I am such a slacker), given you a recipe that was edible and cheap, taught you how to not-really-clean, made something and posted a photo so that you could be more proud of your DIY stuff, or made you snort, or hooked you UP!  That makes me supremely happy.  So, J.A., if you are reading THANK YOU!  You made my day and have given me a reason to forge ahead.

2.  Many of you (I think two) have emailed me to ask me about Rocky/Bulwinkle/Yerle/Yentl/Leo the hermaphrodite tortoise that we considered adopting.  I have great news on that front, too (with all this good news I might get struck by lightening today).  Leo is going to live with the amazing Reptileman.  Really, how this came about is too detailed for me to post.  But, suffice it to say it was kinda like when Jesus split the fish and bread and all that.  Rocky is kind of growing on me.  He's like me in a lot of ways:  he sleeps a LOT, he appears to be somewhat lazy and ungrateful, he doesn't like people (especially when they are holding him), he likes to be free to roam, he sometimes has a hard time communicating his needs, he needs exercise, but doesn't appear to really like it, and apparently he is very wise.  Despite our kinship, we cannot keep him, and Reptileman and his wife are AH-mazing.  I know Shelley (that name just came about yesterday - good grief - this tortoise needs therapy) will be well cared for and love her/his new home.  Thank you, Reptileman. 

3.  Today is the last day of the The Great Pantry Challenge.  Upside:  We did not starve, we learned some lessons, and we are going out to eat tomorrow.  Our menu this past week:  Friday - yucky vegetable tacos, Saturday - fabulous BBQ chicken, Sunday - yummo spinach/cheese enchiladas, Monday - tacos, Tuesday - leftovers, Wednesday - meh pasta and pizza, Tonight - leftovers.  Not bad, eh?  The only really awful meal was Friday and I take responsibility for that.  Lessons learned:  do a better job of seeing what I have on stock before shopping, and when you have mystery squash in the fridge make sure you know what it is before throwing it haphazardly in a recipe.  Downside:  I still managed to GAIN WEIGHT???

4.  So, speaking of gaining weight...it's almost swimsuit season.  I dread it.  Am I pear shaped or apple shaped?  Do I need breast augmentation or a tummy tuck?  Am I a 4, or a 6, or an 8?  Are my boobs -5 or -10?  Do I want a one piece or a two piece with a large cover-up (and possibly a sun hat)?  Here's the thing.  I know my problem area.  It is my stomach (which extends beyond my boobs on a bad day).  I hate to workout, but I do.  Nearly everyday.  I workout so that I can continue eating and drinking.  But, it's high time I tackle the real issue and here's how I'm going to do it.  I bought this DVD.  I already do Cathe Boot Camp, Jillian Michaels, and I run, but now I am focusing on my stomach.  It looks super painful, nearly impossible, and a little sadomasochistic.  So, wish me luck?  And, if I don't post for a while it's because I am too sore to move or have coherent thought.

5.  The girls' room is shaping up marvelously.  The amazing seamstress that is helping me brought over the drapes yesterday.  I kind of wanted to kiss her.  They are superb and I love them.  The new ceiling fan is going in this weekend and I promise to have photos very soon.

Thank you guys for reading my blog.  If you know someone who needs my help (in the form of:  Slackermomways, DIYou're Kidding, recipes that might work, or just some good snorting) by all means, send them my way.  Have a really great weekend and Easter.

'Tis the season to get bloated (Sing that - it makes for a much better blog title.)

So, it's that time of year where everyone from Heloise to Dr. Oz wants to give you their take on "how not to get fat from now till my birthday" (January 20th and I like beer, chocolate, and large purses).  Just once, I would like to see an honest article on Holiday Weight Gain.  Last year I wrote a tongue in cheek post on Holiday Weight Gain.  This year I am just going to simply state why STAYING SKINNY NOW DOESN'T WORK.  I am not a doctor, a weight management professional, or a nutritionist, but I love to eat and my brain works (as far as I know - most of the time) so I think I am qualified to write this.

1.  Many nutrition gurus suggest continuing your normal exercise routine or if possible increasing it this time of year.  This doesn't work and there are a few reasons why.  Who has time to exercise on a normal basis?  Not many people.  In fact, in the article I read one of the tips was to do tummy tucks while you are standing in line (presumably waiting in the buffet line).  For real?  What I understand when I read that is:  YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO EXERCISE.  NOT BEFORE AND NOT NOW.  AND - while you are waiting in the buffet line you should be enjoying a delicious Christmas cocktail and talkin' to your man.  I will just say one more thing:  if you have time to exercise now, you better check your "to do" list.  If "Buy A Day In The Life a Christmas present" is not on your to-do list - add it.  Stat.  And then get busy shopping for me instead of trying to find time to exercise.

2.  Another suggestion I've seen is to "limit yourself."  Now, I am just not sure I understand this one.  The article referenced above suggests filling one plate (at the buffet) and then not going near the food table again.  That just sounds like cruel and unusual punishment to me.  I like to make many trips to the buffet, sample everything, and do a noteworthy plate balancing act in the process.

3.  "Curbing your appetite" also seems to be a popular notion.  It is suggested that you eat a "handful of nuts" and possibly drink a glass of water before heading out to a holiday party.  I love the idea of eating a handful of nuts.  But, what I want with a handful of nuts (and might I suggest spicy hot peanuts) is a cold beer.  Then, I might want some nachos and another beer.  THEN, I would be ready to go the party!

4.  "Accepting mistakes" is popular.  In other words, if you fall off the wagon - don't waste time feeling guilty, just hop back on!  As a general principle, I really don't have an objection to this one.  But, consider this - if you keep falling off the wagon, it may be time to walk.

5.  Now the article I referenced above specifically suggested "Calming down."  This one is just nuts.  The holidays do not allow for "calming down."  My to-do list is a mile long and I am still blogging.  Calm down?  How about a donut and another cup of coffee?  Now, that's more like it!

6.  The article I read also suggested carrying snacks with you for when you are out-and-about where healthy snacks might not be offered.  I am all for carrying snacks with you.  Some that I suggest for the holidays are:  Christmas cookies (you never want those to go bad and have to throw them away), hot spicy peanuts referenced above (Although drinking alcohol in public is not sanctioned by me or this blog.  Are Christmas parties public?), dark chocolate chips, and chili-lime Cheetos (my nine year old son just introduced me to those).

7.  Professionals also like to warn against falling into the "trap" of thinking that weight gain now is okay since in January you can always go on a diet.  Frankly, I fell into that trap a long time ago..............and I like it here!  It makes resolutions soooooooo much easier!

8.  Several articles I read suggested keeping a log of what you are eating.  Again, this is questionable on so many levels.  Sub-list:

a.  Do you have time for a log?  If so, leave me a comment and I will send you some of my to-do list items.
b.  Do you really want to know what you are eating???  It could lead to more than a weight issue.  Trust me.
c.  If you simply must keep a log, maybe you should keep it on a concrete tablet (like Moses) so that you can kill two birds with one stone (figuratively and possibly literally as well) - curbing your appetite AND exercise.  And, YES, that is SARCASM.

9.  Many professionals suggest that you be mindful of snacking during holiday cooking.  I really take objection to this one.  What's one of the best parts of holiday cooking?  SNACKING while you do it!  Who doesn't want to snack on cheesy popcorn and have a nice glass of wine while making Christmas cookies???  Thinking about it just makes me want to belt out a line of "White Christmas."

10.  Another popular suggestion seems to be sending holiday party leftovers home with family and friends.  Remember this works two ways.  I am the family and friends with whom you need to send leftovers home.

That's my explanation of why staying trim during the holidays is worthless.  Don't think about it!  You will be happy while others will be miserable.  Enjoy, friends!  Know that I will be with you January 1 when we have a lot to resolve!

Healthy Diet and Exercise, or EAT THE CAKE FIRST!

As many of you know, I am going through a crazy-a$$ midlife crisis which at any given moment can range in depth and proportion but for the most part is centered around, "I need to workout like a mad and crazy woman so that I can have a healthy body which may not look great, but that down deep is muscled and toned, and I need to change my eating habits from things that taste great to things that are good-for-you."

I said this is a "mid-life crisis" which I will clarify by saying:
1. I am not even sure what that means, and
2. I am realizing as the days pass that it is irrational on some levels. 

Why?  Nothing profound and requiring years of therapy.  It is quite simply difficult to understand and irrational - because I have four kids.

Yesterday:  Case in Point

5:40 - Alarm rang
6:00 - I was up.  Head ached from lack of sleep and no IV for my coffee.
6:45 - Peeps were up, breakfast was underway, lunches were being packed.
7:15 - We headed out the door a full 15 minutes early because I was dreaming of a pre-ZOO FIELD TRIP WITH MY NINE YEAR OLD BOY workout.  HUH?  Yeah, I know.  Irrational on some level.
7:30 - I was back home and promptly popped in the Reebok girl with whom I planned on "stepping" for 35 minutes.
7:30 - 8:00 - I stepped, got sweaty, stopped (yes, stopped) a few times to help a two year old pee and poop, I thought about the million things that had to be done before I could drop said two year old off at MDO and get on to the field trip.
8:00 - I said good-bye to my stepping friend early because I was then feeling a little frantic about what had to be done.  I promised myself that AFTER the zoo field trip when I was fresh and perky (???) I would finish my workout or do an additional workout with KK (can you see irrationality rearing its ugly head?).
8:00 - 8:50 - I ate a bowl of healthy oatmeal and a banana, fixed a healthy lunch for myself for the zoo (two homemade California rolls, one two day old apple, water, and trail mix with just a little dark chocolate in it), fixed "lunch" for my two year old who never eats anything anyway, got her dressed, cleaned the kitchen, put in a load of laundry, brushed and fixed her hair, showered, got dressed, packed everything twice after the two year old was helping me and unpacked it all.
9:00 - I was on my way to the zoo.
10:00 - I ate the trail mix because I was starving.
10:45 - I ate the rest of my son's heavily buttered and salted popcorn to "lighten my load" because popcorn is heavy.
11:30 - We broke for lunch and I ate the California rolls.  Note to self:  these are only yummy when they are fresh.  And I attempted to eat the apple which was mealy.
11:30 - 1:30 - I walked around the zoo and resisted the urge to buy an ice cream.
2:00 - 2:30 - I picked up baby, did a frantic thing at home that we like to call, "get-kids'-stuff-ready-for-piano-lessons-prep-for-a-quick-yet-healthy-dinner-which-has-presumably-been-planned-load-up-the-Yukon-and-take-off!"
2:50 - My two girl children bounded into the Yukon with Mother's Day Cakes that they had made at school.  I am pretty sure that's when my mouth started to water and I realized I was starving.
2:50 - 5:45 - Kids complained about no snack, they completed their piano lessons, and I tried to focus while dreaming of how I could justify eating cake for dinner AND eating the Mother's Day cakes four days before Mother's Day.
5:50 - Hubby called and asked what was for dinner.  I said, "Biscuits?    And........Mother's Day Cakes?"
6:00 - 6:20 -  We arrived home to an unplanned dinner.  Chaos ensued.  Backpacks flew, kids rushed to "talk" to dad, I frantically heated up a serious modge-podge of leftovers (including biscuits), and we unwrapped and examined both cakes.  We all dutifully ooed and ahed over the cakes.
6:25 - I got out a fork.

All my kids exclaimed, "MOM WHAT ARE YOU DOING???"

I quietly said, "I am eating the cake."

All my kids shouted, "YOU HAVEN'T EATEN DINNER AND IT'S FOR MOTHER'S DAY???"

I quietly said, "It's MY cake and if you be quiet I will give you some before your dinner, too."

Silence ensued, I ate my cake and there went my healthy diet.

Later when all the peeps were in bed, hubby was at the gym and I was WAY too exhausted to workout with KK or the Reebok girl.  I blog-surfed and was in bed by 10:30. 

And that is how the exercise went.

Healthy day, my friends.  Cake is on the menu for breakfast this morning and may just turn into lunch.  :o)