1. What the hell is really in Thin Mints? Crack cocaine? Is there anyone in the world that can eat just one? I can resist them until about February 25th and then I'm like an addict that needs a fix. I eat one and I see bugs crawling all over me. Until I eat another one and then I feel a little better. And then I eat the whole box and I stop shaking. Why are the Girl Scouts trying to kill me?
2. Why is my puppy such a nut? Is it because he's a pound puppy? Is that why he is compelled to never leave our sight? Do I like this? Or, do I just think it's weird? Is he an idiot savant? Heavy on the idiot? Because he can almost open the front door with his paw. Yeah. Top that! I dare you. My family might actually have a chance on America's Got Talent.
3. Why did I pay the public library enough money in fines in 2012 to claim it on my fu*king taxes? Why am I over 30 and still this irresponsible? Why can't library books come with tasers? Because I think if I got tasered every time my library books were due, I'd have a fighting chance.
4. Why is our elementary school talent show such a pain in my a$$? Why am I not ecstatic that my 11 year old boy wants to play a classical piano piece (that he is actually really good at playing) in the talent show the last year that he will be in elementary school??? Is it because the talent show is rumored to last over two hours and I will have to take hubby and the four year old? Or is it because if I have to hear even one elementary school girl sing any Taylor Swift song I will vomit in my mouth? Or could it be because there have been more rehearsals for this talent show than there were rehearsals for the Oscars? And are there even rehearsals for the Oscars? Cheesus.
5. Why have I gained back all the weight I lost last spring in order to be seen in a bathing suit which I will have to be seen in again in another few months? (Besides #1.) Why was I born with no will power?
6. Why do I have to teach my 11, 10, and 8 year olds how to take their clothes off properly? Why are we not born knowing how to take off clothes so that they do not need to be inside outed a gazillion times before we can wear them again after washing and drying them? If I could make a deal with God and trade the innate ability to suckle with the innate ability to know how to remove clothes for easy laundering - I'd do it.
7. Why does Girl 3 never stop talking? And where is her volume control knob? And, what frankly, is she talking about half the time? Her east coast (?) accent is making her more and more difficult to understand and more than a few times this past month I've had to say after taking serious time to think about her inquiry, "What are you talking about for Pete's sake?" And then I have to bite my lip when she asks loudly, "Mama, who's Pete?" Cheesus.
8. Are the people who developed tax forms and the people who developed business plan templates one in the same? Because I would consider loading up all my kids to go shop for bathing suits with bad lighting, pasty skin, fat on my belly and eight beady eyes staring at me in order to avoid both of them.
9. Why when I am carrying two of something (two lipsticks, two sets of keys, two pairs of glasses, two pens, etc.) and I reach for one without being able to see it - do I always grab the one I don't want? And why doesn't it work to try and trick my own mind? And why am I crazy enough to try that?
10. And while I'm at it, why do I have 1000 pairs of glasses, but I still can't see worth a damn? Frankly, it's ridiculous. I have four pairs of bifocals (two downstairs, one upstairs, one in my purse), two pairs of prescription glasses, two pairs of prescription sunglasses, about a $hit ton of non-prescription sunglasses (usually, none of which I can find), and four boxes of contacts for two different prescriptions. Invariably I leave the house with my glasses on (while it's dark or cloudy) and only non-prescription sunglasses in my purse only to have the sun (which hasn't been seen in days) blaze brightly in the sky out of nofreakingwhere.
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