it's a short list

So, today I am a few years past my thirtieth and a few years closer to my fiftieth.  Yes, that makes me a little dizzy.  If you're anything like me, after a certain age you might not want to even celebrate your birthday anymore.  It's just kind of another day that you'd rather just slip by so that you don't have to face the realization that you are one day closer to your imminent death (yes, I am the epitome of optimism). 

But, hubby is really great at buying me gifts and celebrating.  And the kids start asking way in advance if I'm gonna have a party with a pinata (um, no).  Hubby asks me what I want a few weeks before my birthday and just buys what I tell him.  Romantic?  No.  Practical?  Yes.

This year was no different.  I had kinda gone overboard buying myself Christmas gifts so I tried to really keep it simple.  So, I got some low-key, but great stuff that I really wanted.  I got another really warm scarf in a fabulous color because we have been having cold weather down here in south Texas and I hate cold weather.  I got some funky earrings that I've been wanting.  I got a Pay Day from the Boy Child because he could afford that and he knows Pay Days are one of my guilty pleasures.  I got some wonderfully smelling stuff from Bath and Bodyworks.  And hubby has a great sense of humor so he wrapped everything up in this fabulous bright pink tote (with an amazing number of pockets) that we got as a free gift for donating to a charity and gave all the gifts to me in that.

But, (everyone always has a big butt, right?) here's what I didn't get that I really wanted.  I didn't put any of this on the list, but I'm telling you guys.  So, if you can, help a sista' out?

The Unstated Real Birthday List

1.  I want my boobs back where they used to be.  And, while they (whoever's gonna do this for me) are at it, I'd also like them a titch larger than they are right now.  Y'know just to help me get some attention when I need it?

2.  I want my hair not to do this weird thing it's started doing called:  Growing right out of the front of my head.  WTH?  Is that some sort of old thing?

3.  This one is kinda for women only:  I'd like to be On the Cycle Again or Completely Off the Cycle instead of just every 78 days, or every 14 days, or every 112 days, or anytime my body thinks it's time again.  Yeesh.  I am ready to say good-bye to fertilehood for good.

4.  I'd like to be able to remember shiz without writing it down.  It's kind of annoying to have a memory that is only three seconds long.  And I am kinda tired of Girl 1 always accusing me of having early onset Alzheimer's.

5.  I'd really love to be able to text without my bifocals.  OLD PERSON ON BOARD.  Yeah, that's me.  Yeesh.  Embarrassing and cumbersome.  Oh, and I'd like to be able to text as fast as a tween.

6.  I want the skin on my hands back.  I have developed in the past five years this weird old people skin on my hands and I don't really like it.

7.  These dark circles under my eyes and wrinkles on my forehead need to be cleared up.  (I'm thinking when they are working on my boob concerns they can just skip up to my face and fix that.)

8.  I'd like my acute hearing back from the 80's.  Now, I've never really had great hearing.  If you're a long term reader you know that one of my greatest fears is going completely deaf by my fifties.  So, I'd really just like to be able to hear.  Everything.  Like a superpower.  Or, just like a regular human.

9.  I'd like to be able to drink the amount of beer I want without it going directly to my belly in record time.  Remember the good 'ole days when you could stay out all night drinking and not feel any repercussions?  Yeah, I want those days back.

10.  And, just because I'm a stickler for even numbers.  I'd like to eat all the chocolate I want just once.  Doesn't everyone want that?

11.  Oh, and one more.  I'd really like to get the rest of my life figured out.  Seriously?  What am I going to be when I grow up?  (I'm sure hubby would like me to figure that out, too.)

So, friends.  Happy birthday to me!  Don't worry - I won't put candles on my cake.  Safety first!