Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Does a tummy tuck come with that costume?

I am trying to actually have my Halloween costume by Halloween this year. And, in preparation for that I tried on my wedding dress yesterday. Yes, I know what you are thinking...WHAT THE HECK? Is she serious? Yes, I am. My costume this year calls for a formal dress and in an attempt to save money I thought, well, my wedding dress is formal....and it's paid for. Bonus. I knew it would be too small, but with a little cutting and stapling I thought it would do. Well, not so much. So, I know I have four kids and I've gained weight. But HOLY COW! My middle daughter had the honors of trying to zip me up because I figured she'd be the most understanding and compassionate about the delicacy of the situation. Her exact words when she pulled the zipper up oh, about two inches (she's six), "Well, it doesn't look like this is going to work." Me, "Well, it's going to be tough. No one said four kids was going to be easy. Here, I'll help you. " My sweet baby girl, "Well, it still doesn't look like it's going to work." This lasted about one more minute before I dragged her, me, and this crazy dress (what was I thinking for Pete's sake that thing is ugly) into the bathroom to get a closer look with two mirrors. I carefully positioned the mirrors so that I could see the gap we were facing, and that's when I broke into hysterical laughter. Yeah, there was no way any amount of cinching, cutting, stapling was going to get those eight inches together. I looked at it about two more minutes (just to have a good laugh) wondering if perhaps sewing ANOTHER wedding dress to it would work. Then finally said, "Okay, baby, help momma take this thing off." My baby, "Momma it stinks like old stuff. Did it stink this bad when you got married?" Me, "No, just the 19 years afterwards." Hee-hee. JUST KIDDING. But, it did stink. And, it was awfully ugly. Why would I want to wear that thing anyway. At least that's what I told myself. So after putting everything away and going downstairs I announced to the remaining three kids, "Pack up we're going to Goodwill to buy a formal for momma's Halloween costume." That's when my bright boy pops up from his piano practice and says, "But, why I thought you were going to wear your wedding dress?" Me, "Yeah, well, that didn't quite work-out. It's about this much too small (I hold up my hands to show the gaping hole that was left in my back.)" My sweet, sweet boy, "Well, can't you just lose weight before Halloween. Remember you said you were starting early this year? You still have four days!"

Thursday, October 1, 2009

October 1 and the honeymoon in this house is OVER

You know all those stay-at-home moms who can't wait for school to start again? They count the days down like we were waiting for Christmas or Hawaii? Well, I am not one of those. Never have been. Give me summer over school any day and I will thank you kindly. And I say to all "those moms," "IS THE HONEYMOON OVER PEOPLE??????????????" Hello! Count down to summer has begun in this house thank you very much. Let me give you a run down of our basic life of September (and I will try not to make it a list, although it is calling list, list, list - so rather you will get a sloppily strung together explanation of it all).

Homework stinks. "Too much!", "I don't know how", Ed can't do first grade math, "Teacher said not to do it that way," and on, and on. Do first and second graders need homework?

We are all teetering on the edge of the swine flu or malaria, or some such health sucking disease. Everyone at school is sick. Don't go to the doctor unless you are dying because you WILL come home sick. Get a flu shot, but when? If you miss school you will get "your pants taken off" for having an absence. If you go after school you will have to wait (with all the other sick or not sick people) for 100 hours. Then you will have the stinking flu, so WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE???

Getting up early stinks. The dog-days of summer are gone and I seriously miss them. Schedule, schedule, schedule. What the heck? Go to bed so you can get up. AND don't complain about it.

My kindergartener hates school. Teacher threw away her paper, Angela doesn't do her work and gets her bee moved, there are no friends at recess - well just the one boy-who-goes-to-the-principal-but-just-sometimes.

Baby is in a funky stage of Don't Want To Nap But Need One Or Else I Am Devil Baby. This results in mom (that would be me) having to carry her around from about 2:00 - 6:00. Oh, wait. Isn't that when we have to eat dinner to stay on our schedule? Yes, it is. Which requires me to MAKE dinner. I am getting good at doing this while holding said cranky baby.

Boy child has taken to misbehaving. This has resulted in me wondering (and I am so sorry to all the divorced people who might read this) (okay, who am I kidding - I am the only one reading and I am still married), "When a kid wonders if it's his or her fault if his parents get divorced, what's the PC thing to say IF IT IS?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Seriously. If he brings home one more conduct mark I might have to move out. ;o) Just kidding, but it did make "the list."

So friends............................ not only can I not wait for summer '10, I am counting it down, baby. COUNT ON IT.