My mom is probably getting tired of rolling over in her grave. So, sorry mom?

My mom always knew the correct way to do everything - fold and put away various sizes of bath towels, make a bed correctly so that you could bounce a penny off of it, clean a toilet so that it sparkled, get that awful burned stuff off the bottom of pans (not that I ever burn anything in my pans), and on, and on.  And if she didn't know the correct way to do something she would consult someone who did know. 

One time I was watching the Martha Stewart show (when we just had one kid, so I had virtually nothing to do, and I guess we could still afford cable) and I remember Martha saying in that smug way of hers, "Now there is a correct way to do everything.  Today we are going to learn the correct way to fold sheets."  And, I thought to myself, "My God.  My mom was Martha Stewart.....and what is the correct way to fold sheets again???  I better watch this so I can remember it this time."  I watched the show intently, and then promptly forgot how to fold sheets correctly. 

Thankfully, it doesn't matter because not only can we really not afford lots and lots of sheets for every one's beds, we live in a tiny house so where would we put all those extra sheets when we have stuff like underwear and toothbrushes to find a home for?  In fact, my motto now is pretty much, "Be happy there are clean sheets somewhere near your bed and try your best to get them on your bed so that your skin does not come in direct contact with the mattress because that would be germy."

Now, I've blogged plenty about my lack of cleaning skills, but just for the record my skills at any other kind of home cleaning/organization also suck.  I'm pretty sure my closets, bed sheets, and kitchen cabinets would make Martha Stewart sh*t her pants.  (Sorry, Martha.  And BTW, what is the proper way to clean that?)

But, forget about Martha for a second (because who really gives a damn about her).  Lately I've been thinking about how horrified my own momma would be if she were reading my blog...or worse yet, visiting my house.  Here's what's gone south.

1.  The sheet folding and bed making.  I know how to make a bed.  Really, you guys.  I do.  My mom taught me how to make a square corner before the days of fitted sheets (yes, I am that old).  And, I have taught each of my kids (except the four year old) how to make a square corner on a flat sheet (yes, you can applaud).  I know how to put the top sheet on upside down so that the top hem can show on the right side.  But, God love my mom...I have four kids (she had 10, so know that when I say that to her - to heaven - she frowns a titch back at me)!!! 

Here's what happens when the sheets get washed in my house.  I usually have someone take them out of the dryer and haul them up to each person's bed...or sometimes they just get dumped on the (clean) floor until each person picks up their clean sheets.  Then, frantically (usually right before bed) everyone tries to spread their sheets on their beds so that they just stay on there and they can sleep on their sheets instead of the mattress. 

Except my bed.  Here's the cool trick I just learned with my bed.  I can get the sheets off and back on without ever taking the heavy blanket or comforter off!  It's like magic and I have thought since I learned this about a month ago - why did I not know this trick?  Where have I been living?  Under a rock?  Cheesus.  It's kinda like how I imagine all girls feel when they learn to take their bra off without taking their shirts off.  Sassy, smart, with a little bad girl thrown in there for good measure?   Oh, and if you've been doing this for years - please do not leave me a comment telling me that because that would just be mean.

Now, my dilemma is - do I teach my kids The Cheater's Way or not?  I say no.  I let them keep knowing the correct way and thinking there is no other way.  (Like it matters since they really don't ever do The Correct Way anyway.)  (Even thinking about teaching them The Cheater's Way makes me want to apologize to my mom.)

2.  The clothes folding and putting away.  Now, recently I wrote this about getting my kids to take their clothes off and put them in the dirty clothes the correct way (right side out and separated) and one of my lovely (and incredibly smart) readers recommended I simply have the kids put their clean clothes on inside out (exactly how they were placed in their dirty clothes) and right-side out them by putting them on thereby decreasing the amount of right-side outting that has to be done.  For me this comment was another I Took My Bra Off Without Removing My Shirt type moment.  Pure genius.  So, now if you happen to open one of my kids' drawers (and I am not saying I recommend this by any stretch of the imagination) you will see a bunch of (clean) clothes that are inside-out and some pants that, in fact, still have clean underwear right inside of them!  I think the kids like this new system (although they seemed completely unfazed when I announced the amazing things I had learned), but I'm not sure I am up to this kind of blatant disregard for what I have been taught (I can *kinda* feel my mom's eyes boring into our closets right now).

Our closets now look like World War III and my kids still find something to grumble about when it comes to the laundering of the clothes.

3.  Cleaning our tubs.  We have a house cleaner (who I love and if I wasn't already married - I would ask her to marry me) who comes once every two weeks.  If we had a million dollars I would ask her and her three kids to move in with us (and I'd also ask hubby to buy us a bigger house) so that my house could look like it does right after she comes here all the time.  But, for now I have to just have that clean house look for about five minutes immediately after she leaves (because damned if someone doesn't do something like spill a gallon of milk right as she is pulling out of our neighborhood).

So, someone asked me how often I clean during the time that she's not here.  My ideal answer to this question would be, "Um, never.  I don't clean at all the week she doesn't come over."  But, let's be honest.  I live with five other people.  In a kinda smallish house.  Sh*t happens (literally and figuratively).  To not live in complete filth I have to do some cleaning.  The dishes (although now we have that on the chore chart), the laundry, the counters, the kitchen (generally), occasional sweeping and vacuuming, and the toilets are things that have to be done.  So, I do them or I have the kids do them.

Here's the thing - I cannot clean a tub to save my life.  Why does the tub sparkle after my house cleaner leaves?  And when I clean it - it looks fairly similar to right before I cleaned it?  I suspect it's because she uses some sort of chemical that causes legs to grow out of your back to clean the tubs.  But, I don't really care enough to ask her and I don't even know if she would tell me. 

After about a year of wondering this and debating whether I should just ask her what she uses, I just stopped cleaning the tubs. 

(My mom is in heaven saying, "Ewww.")

There you have it.  And if you never want to come visit, that's okay.  I understand.  Just know that my mom did teach me better.  This is all on me, and probably she is just as appalled as you are.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

Inevitably on one of my many trips to my kids' school, I will see what one of my kids wrote on their What I Did On My Summer Vacation report upon returning to school and I will cringe and hope that their teacher didn't read the papers with a fine tooth comb or that some over achieving parent didn't read it so that I do not have to suffer the smirks when they meet me later and think back, "Oh, that's the parent that had the kid that said they 'got yelled at a lot on their summer vacation.'"

Is there anything as old as What I Did On My Summer Vacation papers?  I mean, did the baby T-Rex do it, too?  It's like this pre-historic ritual dating back to fire and/or the wheel.

Because I am an ex-teacher and because I have four kids and like to be prepared (ha-ha), we usually practice what the kids are going to write right before we go back to school so that no one writes:  "Nothing," or "Fought a lot with my sisters," or "Ate loads of junk food and watched inappropriate TV."  Not that any of my kids have ever done any of that.

This year I decided to hell with the kids.  I'm going to practice and refine my own report.  So, that's what I did.  (Minus the practicing - this is pretty much straight from my muddled, middle-aged brain to yours - not that you are muddled or middle-aged, but if you are, I'm sorry.) 

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

1.  I failed to practice No Child Left Behind during our vacation at a family resort and inadvertently did not notice that Girl 3 was missing from the elevator until the elevator doors closed.  Thanks to a quick acting husband who springs into action when there is any emergency, Girl 3 was found unscathed and in the presence of several kind strangers who were trying to elicit from her her name and her parents' name.  Hubby immediately told them all, "Thank you!!!" and "Her mother lost track of her and got on the elevator without her."  Thank you, hubby.

2.  I taught Girl 3 how to spell her name.  Well, I didn't really teach her.  Hubby and Girl 1 did.  (Too bad they didn't do that before we lost her, eh?)  I'm putting it on my list, though, because technically if they could put it on their lists, so could I. 

3.  I took on one more job - bringing my grand total to four.  So, if my list next year says, "Took a vacation in the Crazy House," y'all will know why.

4.  I learned how to cook Quinoa.  And I learned to like it.  I know.  That's crazy, huh?  More on that in another post.

5.  I made more cake pops than one person who is clumsy, has no gift for detail, is impatient, and can't really bake should EVER make.  I did not improve one iota.

6.  I finished more books than I had the time to finish the entire school year of 2011-2012. 

7.  I worked out diligently.  I know.  Blech.  But, recently I bought hubby a scale.  I stepped on it (the first time I've been on a scale since our last one broke - I don't think from weight, but who knows) and I weigh nine pounds less than the last time I stepped on a scale.  It's probably wrong, but I'll take something that is wrong that makes me feel accomplished than something that is accurate that makes me want to throw in the towel. 

8.  I slept insanely late (eight-ish) some days, and went to be insanely early some days (eight-ish). 

9.  I mostly gave up processed food.  Again.

10.  And the best thing I did this summer that may (or may not) give me the strength to get through this treacherous school year:  I laughed a lot at my kids, with my kids, and around my kids.

I hope your summer was memorable in a fabulous way and that you find yourself ready for this school year, and that if you aren't ready that you find yourself with lots of beer and dark chocolate to get you through.

Halloween. Not necessarily for the kids.

This is what I love about Halloween:

The real thing.

Resemblance shocking.

Oh my.  Hope yours was ghastly.