Life is not Netflix.

Because it's Monday and they suck and there's nothing that's ever new on a Monday, I'm going Time Warner and doing a rerun.  Also because I've been flirting with running a 10K (someone stop me).

We'll call it TBM. Throwback Monday or The Bad Motivation.

Run a 10K or watch Breaking Bad for two hours?  Do you really have to ask?

You can thank Facebook for guilting me into ignoring you less. (You're welcome.)

There's no theme and you don't have to consider this a real post.

1.  I'm considering a 10K (I'm also considering a 10G, but I blame Breaking Bad).  Not really.  But a great friend (who is short, but could kick your a$$ because she works out with more zeal than Richard Simmons but don't worry she's not kooky or annoying) is trying to convince me that this would somehow be good for me and that I might enjoy it.  Right.  Please comment why this is a worse idea than me staying up till 2:00 watching Breaking Bad when I have to get up at 5:00 and work.

2.  Said friend lent (not the one where you give something up) me a doo-hickey that you attach to your waist (attractively?) and it carries two water bottles.  Why do I need this?  Because it's April (check your calendars) in South Texas and I'm in pre-menopause (whatever that is) so that equals hot and thirsty, y'all.  So, why did this even make the quickie list?  Because it's dorky and more than vaguely reminiscent of the notorious fanny pack.  I know every like "serious" runner does it, but I can't shake the dork factor.  Would I rather die from heat exhaustion?  I'm still thinking about it.

3.  Will you guys still like me if I am the only person in the free world that doesn't care for Breaking Bad?  Here's the thing.  I'm used to House of Cards, Orange is the New Black, and The Killing.  Breaking Bad is s-l-o-w.  Like a turtle.  Now, I've written a small amount about hubby but something you might not know about him is that he's a "multi-tasker."  When we watch Netflix he plays a game on his phone, checks his laptop for emails, shares gourmet popcorn with Bandit, and explains difficult episode material to me.  "How does he do this???" you ask.  Simple answer?  He's a guiness.  Well, I could never do that.  I have a one track mind.  (Insert snicker.)  BUT, with Breaking Bad I can.  Last night while watching I did all my paperwork, emailed two customers, and did some actual work.  And this was well past 10:00 p.m.  The hell???  (I'm giving it two more episodes and then I'm calling it quits.)  No haters, please?

4.  Captcha (Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart) mocks me.  As you know, my eyes are aging at an accelerated rate.  Hubby calls me (affectionately?), "old eyes."  So every time I have to "prove I'm not a robot" I get it wrong.  It's become this battle between Captcha and me.  I imagine him as a real person sitting behind a laptop somewhere commenting under his breath as I type.  "She is a robot."  "What a moron!"  "Really?  She's either blind or she's not human."  Then it's like Captcha takes pity on me kinda (after I get like five of them wrong) and he's all, "Ok, Ms. Dayinthelife.  How about this, 'U R 2 S tpD.'"  At which point I'm like, "THANK YOU!  I can do this!"

5.  This is the funniest thing I've read all month.  In fact, read this gal's blog (but don't stop reading mine).  She is beyond hysterical and pretty much delivers the truth in a highly entertaining package.  I'm going to a baby shower today and I'm considering printing off this post, wrapping it up in fancy paper, and attaching a card that says, "You'll thank me later."  As much as I love this post, it has dashed all of my dreams of ever writing a parenting book.  Because absolutely nothing could compare to this advice.

 

Why can't we just get along and make decisions that are healthy for everyone?

I'm on the tail end (pun intended) of a summer running injury after which I became a gluttonous, carb loading slug...............oh, aaaaaaaaaand I'm clearly driving myself crazy.

Me:  You should go run.  You feel a little better now and your back, butt, and sides have not hurt for a few days.  And as much as you say you hate to exercise and workout, you are a much more rationale, sane, and happy person when you do.

Me:  Yeah, but I could overdo it and injure myself and be down and out for another month if I go run.  And, there's the fact that it's still 130 degrees in South Texas.  Y'know?  There's that.

Me:  Well, then you should just walk.  Besides, the dog wants to walk.  You'll hardly break a sweat.  Go walk.

Me:  Yeah, but I'm tired and there's..........so much to do.

Me:  Your justifications are nuts.  You are going to Facebook and blog if you don't go.  Oh, and your obliques are HUGE.  Wait, where are your obliques?  Cheesus.  Where are they?

Me:  Shut-up.  I may have actually injured my oblique and that could have been causing all the pain.   So they could be just reacting to being hurt by.............gaining weight.  Y'know so they can feel more comfortable in this body that's gained weight?

Me:  See?  Your justifications are ca-razy.  YOU HAVE BRAND NEW RUNNING SHOES THAT COST MORE THAN A TRIP TO THE DOCTOR WITH X-RAYS.  GET UP AND GO RUN WALK.  You are never going to lose this weight you have gained if you don't get up and go out, you sloth.

Me:  I hate you.  I'm going to bed.

Me:  And then tomorrow you will wake up and your obliques will still be there and they will still not fit in your pants and you will hate me more.

Me:  Is there chocolate in the fridge?  Because I think there's chocolate in the fridge.

Me:  You are hopeless.  I quit.

Me:  Good because I'm tired and I am going to bed and I can't sleep if you are still talking.

You dropped a bomb on me, baby.

It's that time again.  Pre-Mother's Day Days wherein you discreetly drop hints about what you want like the dog discreetly drops fart bombs while he's presumably watching TV.

I'm making it easy this year and buying all my presents early.  Then I am going to wrap them in my favorite wrapping paper (probably the comics), put big Christmas bows on them and make tags that say, "To the best mom in the whole world.  We love you!"  Also, I might misspell some words just to add to the authenticity.

Here's what I'm getting so far:

1.  A good sports bra/s.  Now, I have needed some new sports bras for a while (sorry if that's TMI), but one recent incident spurred me into action.  A friend of mine was on TV while running.  Yes, you read that correctly.  TV news cameras filmed her while she was running - pushing her three? kids in a STROLLER (yeah, she's kind of like superwoman).  And, the next day instead of basking in the glory of her 15 seconds of fame her comment to a few of us was, "Man, I need a better sports bra."  I laughed pretty hard at that, but then I got serious and kind of freaked out.  What if I am filmed sometime soon running???  What would it be like???  It would be like (or, would have been like, since I've already started using my new bras - you're welcome) the song, "Do your ears hang low?"  Not pretty.

2.  A purse.  I think I've gotten a purse every Mother's Day since I became a mother.  That would add up to 11 purses if I bought the $400 kind, but since I don't it adds up to one purse.  But, it's cute:



www.squidoo.com  I don't think that's the one I actually got, but close enough and I'm too lazy to go take a photo of mine.

3.  I am getting a trip.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I am going on a trip.  By myself.  Without children. 

"Aw," you ask, "How is that for Mother's Day?" 

I know.  It's like when you secretly wish that for Mother's Day you could spend the day completely alone, right?  Who does that???  (Probably some evil people.  I've certainly never thought that.)  Okay.  So, my trip really isn't for Mother's Day, but kinda.  My niece over at Fit Foodies. Healthy Life. is tying the knot at this gorgeous place. 

Scroll through till you see the gal in the tub.  That's gonna be me.  Don't worry - I won't photograph myself....well, I might.  But, I won't post about it....unless I do.  I'll warn you first, though, so you can get ready to poke your eyes out with sharp sticks. 

Hubby gets to stay home with our four kids.  (WHEEEEE!  He's excited.)  I was careful to tell him, "It's okay, babe.  It's a round trip ticket."

4.  Another bathing suit.  So, remember last year?  When I almost proposed to the bathing suit saleswoman after she saw me naked?  Well, funny thing.  She gave me a little confidence in the area of shopping for bathing suits.  Possibly a little too much because now I really want one of these suits with "high waisted knickers." 


Apparently confidence when gotten at the hands of a blunt bathing suit saleswoman is dangerous.

Don't worry.  I'm waiting on this Mother's Day gift because 1.  I still have my winter weight and may keep it on through the summer, and 2.  These suits are not ruched in the bust, nor slimming in the waist, so I clearly would not be following her suit advice to me.

5.  Popcornopolis.  This may be a gateway drug, you guys.  Oh my GAWD.  My family and I are popcorn junkies.  If popcorn was illegal, we would all live in the pokey.  Now, I must confess, I've pretty much eaten all of this present, so the chance that it actually gets wrapped and given to me is slim to none (unlike my waistline after consuming it).  I am a bit of a popcorn snob if I've never told you guys.  I abhor microwave popcorn.  I only eat homemade or gourmet.  Recently we got a huge tin of this stuff which I thought was pretty great stuff.  But, I gotta tell you guys, Popcornopolis is DELICIOUS and way better.  I am deeply in love.  AND, I was researching important stuff on Pinterest last night and I found out there is an actual store in Austin.  So, since I already ate all of my present I told hubby and the kids that they are gonna take me there for Mother's Day!  (I know they're excited.)

That's it for now.  I'm sure I'll think of some more stuff I can't live without.  (Depending on their budget maybe a boob job to go with my new bras is in order?)  Happy Pre-Mother's Day Days!

If you've seen my willpower, please send it home.

Here we are in that wayward time between Christmas and New Year's Eve when everyone is trying to: 1.  Clean the house (or, in my case, figure out how long you can go without cleaning the house before people get tired of stepping in goo, moving boxes around to eat, or wearing semi-clean underwear), 2.  Lose weight (just so you can eat without guilt in four more days), 3.  Figure out new electronics (in our case that would be a Wii - I know, not new, but new to us), 4.  Return Christmas presents you didn't really want and replace them with more crap stuff you don't really want do want, and 5.  Really just hang on psychologically until New Year's Day when you can let loose, be justified with all the looming resolutions you need to crank out on, and look forward to returning back to "normal." 

Well, I just wanted to check in with you during this sensitive time and let you know what I am dealing with (because, in the end, it's all about me).

1.  I am dealing with resisting tons and tons of sweets and chocolate.  I *might* be addicted to sweets and I *might* need an intervention and 12 step program.  Seriously.  I cannot resist all this sugar.  I am powerless against it.  Here is what stares back at me when I look in my kitchen (warning:  this list is a little obscene):  chocolate covered pretzels, an assortment of chocolate treats from a Hershey's bag, pecan sugar cookies, Christmas sugar cookies, fudge, cookies from the sweet neighbors delivered last night (because we didn't have enough), turtle pie (which is a little like heaven), Lindor chocolates, and some little green and red M&M's that are very handy and melt in your mouth not in your hands.  I have often justified eating all of these sweets by saying to myself that the sooner I eat them the sooner I will not have to deal with them anymore. 
2.  I am also dealing with lots of regular food that is not healthy.  Leftover ham (you know how much I love ham), chips of every variety, Chex Mix, and an assortment of nuts.  I justify eating this food by saying that it's healthier than eating all the food in #1.  Pretzels and Chex cereal are almost fruits and vegetables, right?
3.  I am dealing with wanting to drink lots of beer.  Partly because it's "vacation" and partly because the Wii has been running 24/7 since Santa brought it.
4.  Speaking of the Wii - I am dealing with it.  I am not a gamer, the music is annoying (but addicting), and I am not a gamer.
5.  I am dealing with the inability to exercise effectively.  This is largely (no pun intended) due to the fact that I have gained about 10 pounds and can no longer support the weight of my body.

So, in a nutshell (Which reminds me I am also tempted by a variety of nuts??? DID I SAY THAT???), if you find my willpower wandering around - SEND IT BACK.  I NEED it.  Please and thank you!

Undying Love and Amazon Cloud or Nothing As Sweet As the First Time

Now you may be thinking you are about to read a post about hot steamy ah-hem, but 1.  Get your mind outta the gutter, and 2.  You should know by now that I am freakishly prudish and would never write about that.  No, today's post is going to be about how I found love in technology after 20+ years with my polar opposite and how you can, too.  I know, not nearly as exciting, but you're stuck with it.

Let me just give you some of my quick marriage history in case you are "new".  I have known my husband since ninth grade.  I have known that we are as opposite as Bono and Barry Manilow for about that long, too.  So, naturally when hubby wants me to try things, do things, listen to music he likes, and generally do what he likes to do it is perfectly natural that.......I would rather poke my eyes out with sharp sticks.  That being said, we have been married longer than Abraham, so we have found a way to work that.  That brings us to about a year ago when he started asking me if I thought I might like to listen to music while I am running.  And my immediate response was, "Why.........no."  He said, "Well, just think about it."  And then later (after I'd had about 5 minutes to think about it) I said, "I think I'd rather run with heavy weights on my ankles."

Remember I said opposite?  This guy listens to music from the time he wakes up until the time he goes to sleep (notice I did not say bed because he goes to bed with ear buds).  I really don't care to listen to music most of the time (unless I am, say, ON THE DANCE FLOOR).  It's not that I don't like music.  I do.  I have favorite bands, I try to stay current so as not to embarrass my children, and I can even (on occasion) tell you who sings a song (as long as the singer is prolific like Madonna or Prince or Ozzy not someone obscure or someone who can be easily confused with someone else like Madonna, Prince, or Ozzy), but other than that you can usually find me doing something else.

Hubby is also a repository of Music Trivia.  And when I say, "He's good."  I mean, "He's good like Google or Ask.com."  A million years ago when we were dating he made me mix tapes all the time which I listened to.  Nowadays I just use him for his infinite knowledge.  I have been known to ask him at odd times (shouted from the bathroom, texted from my phone while I am grocery shopping, right before I fall asleep, right when I wake up), "Hey, babe, who sings that song blah, blah, blah."  Now, remember I am no music connoisseur so often times my questions go specifically something like, "Hey, babe, who sings that song that says something about a girlfriend and a month of the year, but I can't remember which one, I think it was in winter, and it's kind of like a disco dance remix and his voice kind of sounds like he's talking like a robot?"

And I KID YOU NOT (you would actually have to witness this - and some have - to believe it) hubby will cock his head slightly to the left, question me a little (Oh could you mistake it for say the B52's?  And does it also say something about sentimental?  To which I will say "Um, yeah, right.'), and then you can almost hear this clicking sound in his brain and then he'll say, "Yeah, I think that's blah, blah, blah.  I think I have that right here."  At which point he will grab his iTouch, iPad, phone, whatever and click some more and I am HEARING THE SONG.  It's like uncanny and the most magic I usually see in a week.

Incidentally this is number #547 of why I am still married to him.  (I make this list in my head - so it's #1 to you.)

So, as you may have guessed a few weeks after he asked me if I wanted to listen to music while running, he bought me an armband thingie and made me a 2011 "mix tape" called a "Playlist."  That was about six months ago and today (since I am half-assedly training for a third-marathon) I decided to give that thing a whirl.  I found some ear buds, strapped on that armband thingie and set off to run.

Keep in mind I've been a runner for longer than I've known hubby and today was the first day I have ever run with music.  Until today I truly thought I would prefer to run and just think (we all know how much I love to do that).  I also have been known to use this time to pray (before you snicker, just know I might be saying a rosary for you and if you are one of my faithful readers you probably need a rosary said for you).  Well, let's just say you might need to get your own connection with The Almighty now  because I might be addicted to running with music.

Because I love you and I want to share the deep and personal experience I had this morning of being in love and knowing that I married right, I am going to allow you an intimate view of my personal life.  No, it's not a video camera in the bedroom - it is a look at My RunRun Playlist incredibly NOT made by me, but made by hubby (that's where the love and marriage counseling come in)!  Consider it an early Christmas gift from me to you and you can thank me later.

I am linking these up so that if you already know the song you can jam out to it, and if you don't know the song you can consider broadening your horizons just a wee bit.

Here goes, run along with me:

1.  Gold Digger Kayne West Ft. Jamie Foxx.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vwNcNOTVzY&ob=av2e.  Now before you start preaching to me about Kayne West, let me just tell you I LOVE THIS SONG.  Hubby knows my overall feelings about Kayne, but he also knows that I love this song.  I would NEVER have met this song if it weren't for him.  Thank you hubby.  We are off to a great start.
2.  Gold Watch Lupe Fiasco.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6RUYAZRUZtA.  So, here's the thing about my husband.  He knows me THROUGH and THROUGH.  He knows that I love Lupe Fiasco (could be because I say it a lot), but here's the thing:  My FAVORITE song is The Show Goes On.  Hubby knows this which is why he didn't put that song on there (or at least that is what I am telling myself as I am well into my second hill).  He put a different song on there that is equally grand if not better so that I can broaden my horizons.  I LIKE your thinking, babe.
3.  Heaven Los Lonely Boys.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvkzoqQ5Oak&ob=av2e  Now this song just takes me back.  It's a little slow for running, but I can see hubby thinking of me while he downloaded this song onto my playlist. 
4.  Hi-Definition (feat. Snoop Dogg and Pooh E).  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HFYa-vEl3Y.  Oh, man.  Just click the song.  Lupe and Snoop???  Heaven.
5.  Paradise City Guns N' Roses http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rbm6GXllBiw&ob=av2e  As soon as this started playing I actually may have forgotten that I was running.  Now, this just proves that hubby is an oldie but a goodie.  AND I will let you in on a teensy secret that few have been lucky enough to witness:  Hubby does a MEAN Axle dance impersonation.  Picturing this actually made me sprint.
6.  Red Red Wine UB40.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXt56MB-3vc&ob=av2e.  So, this could be hubby's only Mix Tape Faux Pas and I blame it on him not actually being a runner.  This song could have actually slowed me down and I am pretty sure it made me want to go home and smoke a.........cigarette.
7.  Rapper's Delight.  Sugarhill Gang.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwaW4cZNwRk  Oh my.  I almost cried when this song came on!  If you are not a runner - play this song and you almost will HAVE to run.  "Ho-tel, mo-tel Holiday Inn..."  Tell me that doesn't make you wanna run???  Hubby, I think I love you.
8.  Rehab.  The late Amy Winehouse.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUmZp8pR1uc&ob=av2e  Wow.  I almost felt like saying a rosary when this came on.  Who knew she'd be dead when I played this song on my mix tape???  It was creepy and spiritual all at the same time.
9.  Ride With Me.  Nelly.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMBlq023IL8.  MUST BE THE MONEY.  Love.  This.  I did feel a little like smoking again though.  Just sayin'.
10.  Run Around.  Blues Traveler.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcTZHbNd8Gk.  Totally unexpected after Nelly.  Great move, babe.  You know just how to mix it up! 

Okay.  That's not all, but that's all I'm gonna give you.  I did run for one hour and fifteen minutes after all and I don't want to totally bore you.  Just know that when I was literally BREAKING DOWN.  Saint of Me by the Rolling Stones came on.  Hubby must know that Mick Jagger is possibly the only man that could make me keep running when my knees are screaming, "STOP or we are QUITTING."  Before you leave me a comment saying that this may be just like a date night and not a true key to a Happy Marriage.  Dont' worry!  I have already thought of that.  I know that tomorrow when I hear UB40 I may actually be annoyed.  But, that's where the second part of the title comes in.  I will always think back to the first time I heard the Playlist and I will have to smile because hubby loves me!

So, if want to stay married more than 20 years I have just a little advice for you.  Get out there and make your spouse a mix tape.  Or, if it's your spouse that's the music addict tell him/her you want a mix tape.  And then start running or doing whatever you do.  That's all I got for today.  Happy Mixin'!  And, you can thank me later for saving your marriage.  ;o)