Saturday, November 24, 2012

How To Letter to Hubby on His Death Bed

This really happened at around 2:00 a.m. the other night.  (Hubby is an insomniac and comes to bed around 2:00 a.m. when I have been sleeping peacefully for about four hours.  He is Not Quiet so I wake up.  Usually I go right back to sleep.  Except when he wants to discuss philosophy, the history of the world, politics, or science with me.)

Hubby:  I learned something that I had previously had wrong today.

Me:  (This space is intentionally blank.)

Hubby:  I had always thought that the moon waxes and wanes the opposite of what it does in relation to low and high tide.


Hubby:  Y'know?  I always thought that when the moon waxes it was low tide and when the moon wanes it was high tide.  But, really it's just the opposite.


Hubby:  Babe?  Did you know that?  Were you confused, too?

There's more.  Much more.  But, I won't put it in the post because I think you get the idea.  In case you are slow, let me lay it out for you. 

1.  I did not even know that the moon waxed and waned in relation to low and high tide.  I was on the "A" honor roll for I think my entire life, but I have a short-to-no-term memory.  So, although hubby claims I should have learned all this in school (elementary school), I don't remember any of it. 

2.  I like to sleep.  A lot.  Next to breathing, sleeping is my favorite thing to do.  When I fill out any kind of application and they ask for hobbies, I put "sleeping."  It follows that I do not like my sleep interrupted by things I do not know and do not care about (at 2:00 a.m.). 

3.  I think expecting me to have an intelligent conversation (involving science, politics, history, or philosophy) at any time is slim to none.  At 2:00 a.m., it's like getting Girl 3 to eat spinach.  As I am sure hubby will tell you - I know pitifully little about these subjects.  He often says to me - in *kind of* a condescending tone, "And you have a master's degree?"  So, really.  I just can't do it or I might throw up.

Fast forward to the following day.  We were outside eating breakfast and hubby had made this roaring fire.

Me:  This is a great fire. 

Hubby:  Thanks.

Me:  Someday I need to learn to make a fire like this.  But, with like flint and sticks like you did.  Not kerosene and a match.  Because someday I might not have kerosene.  Or a match. 

Hubby:  Mm-hmm.  You probably should learn that.

Me:  In fact, don't die because then I won't be able to have any fires like this.  And, by the way, how did you get that camp lantern to work again?

Hubby:  Oh, it just needed blah, blah, blah (when he speaks to me about stuff like that it sounds just like Charlie Brown's mom.....if she were also Chinese).  You just need to blah, blah, blah and then you can insert the blah, blah, blah into the blah.  It's pretty easy.

Me:  Well, don't die because I won't be able to get the lantern to work either.  Y'know there's so many things I won't be able to do if you die.  I think I'll take a pen and paper to the hospital when you are dying and I'll make a How To list really quick.  And then you can tell me everything I need to know before you die.  In fact, that's a good idea.  I probably need to start writing down all the sh*t I can't do and don't know now so I can be prepared to take the list to the hospital.

Hubby:  You could just do it now.

Me:  What?  The list?

Hubby:  No.  You could just learn to do all the stuff now.  Like before I die.  So, you'd know how?  And you'd know stuff

Me:  Like now?  I don't have time to learn all that stuff now!  I barely have time to make the list!  What are you, crazy?

We continued for a little while longer and then (after a lot of sighing at me) hubby got up abruptly to get more coffee (I think he even said something like, "I'm gonna need more coffee."  Rude!).

But, these two conversations shocked me into thinking I really don't know enough!  Hubby has been covering my a$$ in the political, historical, scientific, philosophical realm for far too long!  And I love my idea about the How To list.  So, I've decided to start my list.  Here's what I have so far:

How To Letter (or just How Letter or just Can You Please Tell Me This Sh*t Letter) to Hubby on His Death Bed

1.  How do you make a fire?  And a wheel?

2.  How do you put those little white flammable thingies into the camp lantern to make light?  Those white thingies make the light, right?

3.  How does the moon change in relation to the tide (because now, frankly, I am intrigued)?

4.  How does photosynthesis work again (that ones mostly for when Girl 3 asks because I am pretty sure last time it came up all the other kids explained it to me)?

5.  Who shot Lincoln again?  And why?

6.  Why are we here?

7.  Where do we have all the other money?  Like the money I can never spend?  There is other money, rightRIGHT?

8.  Who was Genghis Khan again?

9.  What's a Libertarian exactly?

10.  How does the Yukon engine work and why do I need to know this?

I know it's not nearly as comprehensive as it needs to be, but I'll keep working on it and I figure when hubby's on his death bed ready to kick out it will give him a little something to hang on for.  Y'know? 


WeezaFish said...

Monica, you are funny. I really needed a giggle today too, thank you! But your Hubby is right, you must learn this stuff NOW woman. I need to know too now you've brought it all up and I don't have time to Google all that! How DOES the moon change in relation to the tide? Seriously, it'll keep me awake and I too love my sleep. Get him to write you a Guest Post that answers all this, please!

Monica said...

@weeza - ha! my friends were just saying last night that he needs to write a guest post. see, here's the thing. he knows all this stuff, but he can't SPELL to save his life. so, i guess that's why we're married? ;o) here's another funny thing - i had to google the moon thing because hubby was sleeping while i was writing it and i couldn't even READ the freakin' article after the first sentence which was something like: the tide changes in relation to the gravitational pull of both the sun and moon. after that all i could hear was, "wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah." (in chinese.)

jamiew said...

i think you and brain waster are gonna be up sh*t creek if me and eddie were to die suddenly in a freak comet/apocalyptic type accident.

Monica said...

@jamiew - hmm. i see another post about this in my future. i just need more time to think about this. oh, and WTF were you last night? we talked about you and assigned you lots of $hit because you weren't there.

Shannon said...

Yes Jamie WHERE were you last night when we were rehashing this whole waxing and waning thing and Monica was annoyed that I know that, but on the other hand she gets grammar and it just gives me a headache. Thank goodness the kids are not being homeschooled next year and hopefully I won't screw them up to badly in the mean time. See you soon.

Anonymous said...

This is hysterical. I did not realize until I read your list how many things that I don't know. That is scary. But, think about all of the things Hubby would not know if you suddenly died. Not that that's going to happen. Like how to get Girl 3 to eat spinach. I don't think his compendium of waxing and waning knowledge is going to do him a whole lot of good then!

Monica said...

@whatimeant2say - you used the word 'compendium' in a comment - so i will send you a prize for that. yeah - i make myself feel better by saying i have more practical knowledge than all those people like hubby who know important stuff.

Nomads By Nature said...

You know you could gift him a camcord thingy and a list of promts. That way he could record himself sharing his vast knowledge on various subjects that you may want to know how to do on your own later. It would be like that tutorial lab that Superman had and much better than a webinar.

Monica said...

@nomads - you are genius. first step: ask hubby how to use a camcorder. seriously. i think this might work. then i can post the video on my blog. so, vlog? hubby is really "busy" right now, so all these fabulous ideas might have to wait until he has some "free time." yeesh. working for money. i hate it. i asked him if i got 20 people demanding a guest post, would he do it. he kind of gave me a sideways look that said something like, "are you nuts?" then i think he said, "i am very busy right now. and important." blah, blah, blah.

Nomads By Nature said...

Ok, so if he is busy, just set up one of those cam-booths. I think Big Brother had one --not that I ever would admit to even watching 10 minutes of it. They also had cam-booths to record messages to the troops overseas, to your representative... anyway... make a booth like that, all ready to go, so when he is ready to expound some amazingly important knowledge he can go into this special place and just push the button and start. Didn't that guy on AVATAR have one too to journal? Make the chair infront of it really comfortable -- you could put your prompts nearby, a glass of beer, make it really inviting... and of course, vloging might just be the wave of the future and you can charge or get sponsor and be really rich and he would never have to leave the comfy couch, or a cold beer and he could just share all that good information you would surely need if it was just you one day way, way long down the road.

Monica said...

@nomads - you are giving me lots and lots of blog fodder. now, someone please make this work GO AWAY.

Mind Margins said...

This post really made my day. My better half is a talker and I am not so much. I mean, I can hold a conversation and be entertaining, but he LOVES to talk. All the time, to anyone, any hour of the day or night. Yesterday, instead of hanging out with his buddies after rugby, sitting around shooting the breeze all afternoon like he usually does, he came home early. He didn't get all his guy talking in, so it was up to me to pick up the slack. All I wanted to do was finish my chick flick on TV and relax on the couch from a hard trail run. Men! I need to start working on my list of things to learn before he dies, as well.

Monica said...

@mind margins - yes, hubby is a "chatty cathy." even my kids call him that. gotta love those chatty cathy. if it was left up to me things would be silent most of the time. ;o)