Sunday, September 1, 2013

What's the best time to call you? Millertime? (I'm guessing that's not the right answer?)

I haven't been posting in a while.  Here's mostly why:

1.  Boy child is now playing the alto sax.  When I first found out he was going to play this instrument I pictured him playing jazz while I sipped a smooth drink.  That hasn't happened so far.  It's more like a cacophony of sound that makes you want to stab yourself.  Everyday it happens for 20 minutes during which time I cannot do anything but sit down and breathe slowly.

2.  About three weeks ago Girl 3 threw a laptop through the front window.  There are three positive aspects of this story. 
  • It was a toy laptop (that weighed probably more than the real laptops).
  • Our windows are cheap, but double paned.  Only one pane shattered.  We still haven't fixed it because we are those ghetto neighbors.
  • She was really aiming at her brother's head, not the window.  Wait.  How is that a positive?  I can't remember.
This brought all "summer fun" to a screeching halt and four short people were enlisted into the Mommy Hell Camp for the remainder of the summer.  Barking orders at them and consistently disciplining (consistently) really took it all out of me.  I really wanted us to go to family counseling after this incident or at least write a letter to Prudie.  Sadly, I don't believe in counseling and our insurance doesn't pay for counseling (I think) until a small animal dies and I remember hearing Prudie retired? 

So, I diagnosed us myself. 

Diagnosis?  We are crazy.

3.  I hurt myself.  It's an annoying kind of painfully painful pain (that's the scientific description) and so far (based on Google) I might have:
  • A sprained or fractured lumbar
  • A tumor in my back
  • Kidney disease
  • Sciatica
  • Pregnancy
  • Endemitriosis
  • Scoliosis
  • Kidney stones
  • Osteoarthritis or
  • Fibromyalgia
I might live a lot longer with this pain.  Or I might die.  Google doesn't seem to really be that specific.  I haven't exercised in about four weeks and I have so much fat and stress in my body that I feel like I might spontaneously combust at any moment.  On the upside if that happens, I may get the medical and psychiatric help I need.

4.  My kids started school.  This means I have spent the last two days filling out paperwork.

  • What's the best time to call you?
  • Have you read the discipline policy?
  • Is your child allowed to access the internet at school?
  • Where do you work?
  • Do you understand that if his electronic device breaks at school it is not the school's fault?
  • Have you had a criminal background check?
  • What race are you?
  • Do you want to volunteer?
  • Do you want to sell a box of The World's Finest Chocolate?
Two days in and I already want them to drop out.

5.  Two of my favorite bloggers closed down their blogs.  They were both really great writers.  One of them was related to me, so naturally she was/is amazingly talented.  So, of course it made me sad.  But it also made me want to shut mine down and sent me into this crazy tailspin.  Some kind of weird funk came over me (not the stinky kind) and I just decided to quit and do something I'm good at. 

But, then I couldn't think of anything to do, so I just tried to remember that Laughter Is The Best Medicine and I (wasted some good time that I could have been effectively and consistently disciplining my children or telling the schools where I work) Googled some really funny shiz. 

Real people doing their thing. 

I love them and I laugh like it's the first time every time. 

And, thanks, you guys for writing such funny stuff too that always makes me laugh. 

And, happy Labor Day because this one post took me three days to write and now it's a holiday!


Jae said...

I cannot wait for PTA blogs. You can find much to write about, bitch about and laugh about there. don't worry I will keep your blog private from PTA so have at it!

AND DON'T QUIT! We'd be sad. *frowny face*

Anonymous said...

THANK YOU for not shutting down! There are three blogs that make me laugh every single time - and you are one of them. Please don't stop!

I am going to be sorely tempted to write "Millertime" on one of those forms now. I wonder if anyone will notice.

One of Dimples' forms from a teacher asked, "What does your child need help with?" I didn't want to hurt Dimples' feelings by putting something off the top of my head, so I asked her what she thought she needed help with. "Nothing," she humbly replied. So, I wrote, "She needs help with learning what she needs help with. Seriously."


Anonymous said...

Oh, yeah - the other two blogs are The Bloggess and my own. I crack myself up. You can see where Dimples gets her humility.

Shannon said...

Wondered about the grounding of boy child from technology, not that it matters, we still don't have internet at the house so colin can't message him anyway, and FaceTime, Skype and the like are blocked in Oman so they will have to actually use written words instead of screaming a the iPods/ipads screens. It "might" be educational once we do get internet. Ha!

Sorry your summer ended badly. Colin came home and announced that he wanted to play the Sax. OMG I know he hasn't been talking to boy child What IS it with those two?? LOL!

Monica said...

@jae - blogging about PTA would be too huge for me. i'm not that talented. i thought about an allegory, but that would require actual thought, so it will have to wait until i have a working brain...maybe in my golden years? wait...ARE THESE my golden years? oh, crap. i'm screwed. @whatimeant2say - oh, you are so kind. your blog makes me laugh every single time you post. i am so thankful because it really does help me feel better. and about the forms - yes, we had that same question . i LOVE your answer. my kids aren't humble at all (just misinformed and not that bright?) boy child said: my armpit farts. girl 1 said: eating a balanced diet. and girl 2 said: my oatmeal cookie recipe. jeez. i had to tell them, "no, crazies. school related stuff." then they all just stared vacantly??? @Shannon - at least you are a world away so they could never practice together? l.j. and m. were practicing sax together one day and it was like the marshall band (but a really band version) in my backyard. it was nuts. oh, and we all miss you. :o(

Monica said...

damn it. *BAD version. duh.

jamiew said...

don't ever self diagnose especially on google, next time call me, and i think brain w. will temporarily let me use my "medical" license.

if you need a break, i can always come up with some ideas for a guest post, as living in stepford has given me some fodder for dish.

call me pre-miller time, as after i cannot guarantee any kind of logic or helpful advice/dish.

Monica said...

@jamiew - when my "normal" schedule begins, you are #1 on my list. a guest post sounds lovely. that might get me through till Halloween?