Wednesday, May 16, 2012

A Three Year Old Lilyhammer. OR Where did I go wrong?

I "liked" Slate.com on Facebook as soon as I realized I could.  The news giant (And I am just saying, "news giant" because I have been waiting for a chance to use that term, "news giant" in a blog post for quite some time now.  I actually have no idea whether Slate is, or is not a "news giant," but see how I just did that?), Slate has a lovely little advice column called Dear Prudence (Or Prudie as she is affectionately called - I guess for when you are a sociopath and have to write to her frequently.  Because why else would you ever give an advice columnist a nickname?).  Immediately after I "liked" Slate on Facebook, I started getting items similar to the following appearing in my newsfeed every morning when I log into Facebook.



Dear Prudence: 

My husband is having an affair with a woman who is a mannequin and lives in our house.  I am afraid my seven kids (who I had from a previous relationship with a man who was later convicted of a hate crime) are going to find out.  First, is this behavior normal?  (Mine or my current husband's?)  Second, do I need to be concerned about my ex making "trouble" for me when he is paroled later this month? 

Sincerely,

Tranny's wife from Tennessee



Or this,

Dear Prudence: 

My best friend suffers from severe depression.  She goes through horrific highs and lows and I just don't know how to help her.  Will chocolate help?  Or, should I try wine? 

Sincerely,

Just trying to help



Or this,

Dear Prudence: 

I have always had low self esteem.  This has led to a series of bad decisions in my life.  I really want to make a change, but I am addicted to crystal meth and am being sentenced later this week (oh, and I am losing all my kids - except Johnny who was named after his dad - winkie face).  What do you recommend?

Sincerely,

Just my John's gal



Or (one of my personal favorites - although I have changed *some* of the details)

Dear Prudie: 

My co-worker made a porno movie and I watched it (accidentally).  Now I don't know whether to tell his boss that he is involved in this industry (in addition to the "legitimate" industry we are involved in together).  I like my co-worker and I don't want him to get fired.  Oh, and did I say - he's the boss and I am in an ongoing affair/relationship with him?

Sincerely,

Double Dee-licious


Now, I cannot tell you how much delight I get from reading these little snippets in my newsfeed.  Why?  I'll tell you why (in fact, it's kinda the point of this whole post).

1.  I usually can guess exactly what Prudie's response is going to be.  This gives me a smug satisfaction and also feeds the irrational dream I have of one day becoming a paid writer.  (Maybe I can finally ditch the parenting book idea once and for all and apply for an advice columnist job?)

2.  It makes me feel infinitely better about the life decisions I am making on a daily basis.  I mean basically I am usually concerned about raising my voice to my kids when others have to handle getting off of crystal meth and what to do with a cross dressing significant other.  Is this ugly and superior behavior?  Probably.  (That's a good question for Prudie.)

3.  If I do not have time to read Prudence's response (which often times I don't) I can still read the horribly screwed up things that people out there are dealing with.  And sometimes have a little giggle *gasp*.  Seriously, people.  Texting your body parts to others when you are a grown government employee is just ridiculous on some level.

But, as always happens when people are engaging in what could *possibly* be "ugly" or "superior" behavior - yesterday the tables turned on me.

The three year old has been going through some "behavioral issues."  At this point I am just hoping that her mug shot is not already posted at the local elementary and that she can still attend public school when the time comes.  In the past few weeks she has:  Lied about her age (which I realize is still kind of expected for a three year old - just usually not to save money), almost been involved in bribery and racketeering (before I unknowingly broke up that crime ring), and used high pitched screaming and wailing with all the windows in the house open as a way to get what she wanted from all of her siblings.  In a nutshell (me currently being the NUT), we are going through a tough time.

So, fast forward to yesterday.  I waltzed in to pick up my three year old from pre-school and there was a hushed silence that followed me.  I sensed something was wrong.  Sure enough when I made it to her room the two substitute teachers that were in the room immediately said they needed to speak with me. 

I picked up Girl 3's things and walked over to speak with them.  They proceeded to tell me a horrific story that was, indeed, what my daughter had done to another little girl in her class.  My sweet (yet somewhat devilish) child was arguing with another sweet little girl and when Girl 3 realized things were not going her way she picked up the play iron and clocked the other little girl right in the face with it.  Then Girl 3 proceeded to have a fit that required back-up to be called.

The teachers' complete repulsion with what had happened was written all over their faces (as it should have been).  I was appalled and I weakly tried to explain that Girl 3 does not respond well when her regular teacher is out (And as Boy Child would say, "Thank you, Captain Obvious.")  Yeesh.  What else could I say?  I proceeded to mumble something about had she apologized.  And then I just tried to find the exit.

I spoke to Girl 3 at length when we got home.  Her father spoke with her.  But, I have decided there is really only one way to go with this:

Dear Prudie,

Are you familiar with the hit series Lilyhammer?  Where an "ex" mobster goes into witness protection and ends up going right back to his mobster ways?  Well, I am afraid my three year old is him.  Is this possible?  Could a three year old really be familiar with mobster crime in the old-fashioned sense?  Oh, and also, is a three year old too young for anger management?  Please help.

Sincerely,

Troubled in Texas

9 comments:

Jae Carlisle said...

Dear Troubled in Texas,

Have you seen the 3 year old engaged in conversation with any undesirable or swarthy types? Does she flash gang signs when she thinks you're not looking? Have you caught her in criminal activity with like-minded short people? An answer of yes to at least two of these questions would have me strongly advise you to seek legal representation.

Anonymous said...

When she brings you one of your shoes dipped in cement, I think you better ask if YOU can join the Witness Protection Program.

Anonymous said...

oops, that last comment was me - whatimeant2say

jamiew said...

I think you need to bank on her talents and put her out on the streets so she can get the benjamins rollin' on up in here.
just a thought.

Monica said...

ha! love these comments. @jae - if you count Boy Child as a "swarthy type," then - yes! @whatimeant2say - shoes dipped in cement. ha! course, i probably won't be laughing tomorrow. @jamiew - believe me. i have considered all options at this point.

Shannon said...

My day started when my doorbell rang waking me up. I grabbed jeans and a t-shirt because answering the doorbell more or less naked is bad, and stumbled to the door. My youngest best friend's mom was waiting. Apparently my son and her daughter had played you show me yours and I'll show you mine. She was pretty pissed.

Your baby mobster can join with my budding porn star and together they can rule the underworld of crime.

Monica said...

@shannon - NICE. let's NEVER get gray and lain together, k?

Gramaw Nutt McLaughlin said...

I think you are in violation of the "names have been changed to protect the innocent". Lilly(hammer)lives down the street and is like to be in crime with g#3

Monica said...

@gramaw nutt - hahahahaha. no. doubt.

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