Monday, May 21, 2012

America's Got Talent and so can you....or can you?

My family's summer ritual is to watch America's Got Talent as many times as is humanly possible.  Call us lame.  Or deprived.  Or depraved.  But, that's what we do.  It's good wholesome TV for the kids (except when they've had strippers on, oh and the people that stick sharp objects into their body orifices, oh and the guy who told dirty jokes - other than all of those folks - totally wholesome).  And, frankly it's TV worth watching.  Aside from the teensy fact that it makes me feel completely without talent.  No talent whatsoever.  I think to myself every time I watch it:  I am really not talented.  At anything

The older I get, the more this bugs me.  I find myself thinking as I watch fire breathers, tight rope walkers, and vaudeville performers, where did my parents go wrong?  Were all these performers raised by clowns or bearded ladies?  Was raw talent just in their genes?  Was my problem that I had the No Talent genes?  (I really think that theory is flawed because there are many talented people in my family - damn them.)  

Or, I think:  Did these people go to body orifice piercing school?  Did they take endless lessons in break dancing, jumping rope, and juggling?  Did my mom somehow miss fliers that came home from my school for those summer camps?  Or did she see them and then decide (without asking me) that I wouldn't be interested in learning how to stick a straw up one nostril and pull it down through the other?

While I ponder all the reasons why I seem to have drawn the talent short stick (until October when AGT will be over), here's a short list of things I really wish I had a teensy bit of talent in (talent in?  talent with?  talent for?  in which I had talent???  English teacher, please?  And another pathetic reminder that I have no talent IN GRAMMAR.)

1.  Breathing fire.  I hear it is incredibly damaging to your insides and probably will kill you, but just one time it would be cool to go out in my driveway, call the neighbors over, and breathe some fire.  Like a dragon.  Then we could like hang out and have a barbecue (which I would fire up, naturally) or something.

2.  Tight rope walking.  About two years ago, hubby thought we were natural tight rope walkers and that maybe we could sell our kids to the circus.  That is why he bought our family a slackline and put it up in our backyard.  I thought I could master it, so I practiced and practiced.  While the kids seem to be fairly good at it and have gotten considerably better than when hubby first put it up, two years later I can still only go about three steps without falling.  Turns out tight rope walking is REALLY HARD (even when it's only about one foot off the ground).

3.  Breakdancing.  This is another one of those talents that I just wish I had for neighborhood parties or get togethers.  It would be so great to impress my friends by just hitting the floor.......with my head.  And then spinning around on it.

4.  Juggling.  Who doesn't want to juggle?  I imagine myself sitting at a meeting (Not that I go to meetings anymore.  Except with my kids - like family meetings.  And, actually, this would really command their attention at a family meeting.), nonchalantly pulling out some soft balls *ha* from my pocket *ha-ha*, and starting to juggle them.  Everyone would be thinking, "WHY IS SHE HERE AT THIS MEETING?  Send her to VEGAS."

5.  Jumping rope.  I can manage some pretty basic jumping, but what I really want to be able to do is all the fancy stuff.  I want to criss-cross, one-hand it, do a cart wheel or back-flip through it, and other fun stuff.  Now, this just really looks fun - I wouldn't necessarily want to perform it in front of anyone (that would be showing off).

6.  Pole tricks.  Now, get your mind out of the gutter.  I didn't type "pole dancing," and apparently there is a difference.  One is done mainly in strip clubs, for money (or in people's own homes for "entertainment")  - the other is done for sport (if you can call it that).  (Oh, add "a man dressed in heels dancing practically naked with some poles" to the times AGT was not quite wholesome entertainment for my kids.)  Unfortunately, in the two instances I have seen - the sport started with the other.  Now, while I am pretty sure hubby would condone me learning the sport, I doubt he would approve of me doing it in strip clubs for money in order to be able to "learn" the sport.  (And with the state of this "over 30" body I doubt it would bring us a dollar or lead to much "practice.")  To have the arm strength that these people have would really make me happy and I am sure hubby would say yes to me "practicing" right in the privacy and convenience of our bedroom.

7.  Opera singing.  Just kidding.  Who the hell wants to opera sing for fun?  Seriously.  The only time I *kinda* wish I could opera sing is when we are at a baseball game and the national anthem is played.  Then a small part of me wishes I could just belt it out and have all the people around me be all, "WOWZA.  That girl's got some lungs on her.  She should be on America's Got Talent with that pair."  Then during the game I would be all shouting at the players clever little remarks and those same people would think it was cool that I could sing opera and shout obscenities at the players with the same set of lungs.  Only then do I wish I could sing opera.

That's my short list.  While I dream that I have these talents I will continue perfecting the "talents" I do have by:  running a gazillion errands, catching up on laundry, haphazardly cleaning the bathrooms, and cooking a mediocre dinner for today.


jamiew said...

dude, you have 4 kids, and you're not totally bat sh*t crazy, and you blog regularly.
by my standards, that is juggling.

Monica said...

aw! thanks, friend. do i owe you money? ;o)

Anonymous said...

Holy Wonderbutt! I have the exact same "talents" that you have! We must be sisters. Oh, but you have one other talent. You make me laugh!

WeezaFish said...

Hang on a minute, I thought multi tasking WAS a talent? I can juggle! Learnt on a looong wet holiday in Scotland and it's not that hard - shall I try and teach you? :)

Shannon said...

@ Jamie love the not TOATALL bat sh*t crazy...does the apply to me too? Oh never mind, I am living in flipping Malawi with colin and many critters of horrors, I think I know that answer.

Monica I think you may be thinking too hard. Mostly I am just waiting for Howard Stern to loose it and start spouting profanity. I'm sort of disappointed he has been so well behaved so far.

Monica said...

@whatimeant2say - aw, bloggy friend. you make me laugh till i snort - so we both are talented in wit (apparently......WE being the judges ;o) @weezafish - multi-tasking is TOTALLY a talent. problem is: i suck at it!!! and, YES, teach me to juggle. @shannon - i KNOW. i was amazed that howard was so CALM. it was a bit disappointing.