Simple Vows to My Hair

Recently I ended a long-term relationship...with  my hair dresser.  I really don't want to talk about it because I am still not over the trauma, sting, and general distaste of having to go through this.  When it comes to hair dressers I now realize I have been faithful to a fault and I am afraid I had stayed in a bad relationship for a touch too long. 

After making the painful decision to end our relationship, I suffered (what seemed like months) with untouched roots, split ends, and general dryness (possibly in an attempt to punish myself for such poor judgment) before plunging into a new relationship with a much younger woman.  Even if I never see her again, I have learned so much from our brief relationship already:  The style I was wearing *might* have been outdated.  (?)  I am easily influenced when it comes to hair products I need.  This can be costly (like my whole food budget for a couple of weeks), but so worth it!  Even women with straight-as-a-board hair that has never, ever seen a curl in its life can benefit from using a straightener.  (?)  AND, even women of my (and I quote) "more mature" (???) age can look fresh and should!

I realize this might be the rebound hair dresser, but I was so satisfied with my fresh cut and color I decided it was high time I take some vows.  I am (ahem) over 30 now and it's really high time I quit jumping from hair dresser to hair dresser.  I need to find a good hair dresser and settle down.  So, I decided my first step in this process of settling down is going to be to take some vows.

Now, typically (if you can even call this type of promise typical), I think women take vows to their actual hair dresser.  But, because I am naturally distrustful of hair dressers due to my recent trauma and I never ever want to be in a difficult relationship again, I am making my vows directly to my hair. 

(This post is also somewhat influenced by this interview with now deceased Vidal Sassoon, who kind of makes hair a religious experience.  Why?  Because it kind of is.)

Here it goes.  I hope you will learn from it and as dedicated readers - hold me to it.  (Thank you and you're welcome.)

I, Writer of A Day in the Life, take you, mane of slightly dry, straight-as-a-board, over 30, graying-dark brown and thinning hair to be my beloved hair.  With deepest joy I receive you again into my life that together we may be one.  I will be to you a loving and faithful head. Always will I perform my style-ship over you in a dignified and reverent manner, knowing that if I don't you have the full right to go more gray, dry, and betray me in all kinds of ways imaginable.  I promise you my deepest love, my fullest devotion, my tenderest care, quality hair care products, UV ray protection, and spruced up roots. I promise I will find quality hair dressers that can style you the way you deserve to be styled.  I promise that I will lead our lives into a life of smoothers without harmful wax, sulfate-free shampoo, gray-coverers, and a minimum application of hair spray.  Ever honoring my quality hair dressers' advice about you, no matter what may lie ahead of us, I pledge to you my life as a loving and faithful head from this day forward (And I am deeply sorry I have never done this before.  Please forgive me by not growing straight out of the top of my head like a spike).  Amen.