Friday, May 18, 2012

Simple Vows to My Hair

Recently I ended a long-term relationship...with  my hair dresser.  I really don't want to talk about it because I am still not over the trauma, sting, and general distaste of having to go through this.  When it comes to hair dressers I now realize I have been faithful to a fault and I am afraid I had stayed in a bad relationship for a touch too long. 

After making the painful decision to end our relationship, I suffered (what seemed like months) with untouched roots, split ends, and general dryness (possibly in an attempt to punish myself for such poor judgment) before plunging into a new relationship with a much younger woman.  Even if I never see her again, I have learned so much from our brief relationship already:  The style I was wearing *might* have been outdated.  (?)  I am easily influenced when it comes to hair products I need.  This can be costly (like my whole food budget for a couple of weeks), but so worth it!  Even women with straight-as-a-board hair that has never, ever seen a curl in its life can benefit from using a straightener.  (?)  AND, even women of my (and I quote) "more mature" (???) age can look fresh and should!

I realize this might be the rebound hair dresser, but I was so satisfied with my fresh cut and color I decided it was high time I take some vows.  I am (ahem) over 30 now and it's really high time I quit jumping from hair dresser to hair dresser.  I need to find a good hair dresser and settle down.  So, I decided my first step in this process of settling down is going to be to take some vows.

Now, typically (if you can even call this type of promise typical), I think women take vows to their actual hair dresser.  But, because I am naturally distrustful of hair dressers due to my recent trauma and I never ever want to be in a difficult relationship again, I am making my vows directly to my hair

(This post is also somewhat influenced by this interview with now deceased Vidal Sassoon, who kind of makes hair a religious experience.  Why?  Because it kind of is.)

Here it goes.  I hope you will learn from it and as dedicated readers - hold me to it.  (Thank you and you're welcome.)

I, Writer of A Day in the Life, take you, mane of slightly dry, straight-as-a-board, over 30, graying-dark brown and thinning hair to be my beloved hair.  With deepest joy I receive you again into my life that together we may be one.  I will be to you a loving and faithful head. Always will I perform my style-ship over you in a dignified and reverent manner, knowing that if I don't you have the full right to go more gray, dry, and betray me in all kinds of ways imaginable.  I promise you my deepest love, my fullest devotion, my tenderest care, quality hair care products, UV ray protection, and spruced up roots. I promise I will find quality hair dressers that can style you the way you deserve to be styled.  I promise that I will lead our lives into a life of smoothers without harmful wax, sulfate-free shampoo, gray-coverers, and a minimum application of hair spray.  Ever honoring my quality hair dressers' advice about you, no matter what may lie ahead of us, I pledge to you my life as a loving and faithful head from this day forward (And I am deeply sorry I have never done this before.  Please forgive me by not growing straight out of the top of my head like a spike).  Amen.


Shannon said...

Girlie you have until like late November to find a new hairdresser. My hair is in a dreadful state and will need help and rescue immediately upon landing in Texas. You have your mission, now get too it. LOL!

Oh and one more thing, no one that refuse to either of us as of a mature age. Or anything similar. Seriously! UGH!

Monica said...

she is actually a very cute, hip young girl and i LOVE my hair. i should because i purchased like a gazillion dollars worth of crap for it. but, i really do like her. she DID say i was "mature" and she fumbled around for a word beforehand (ugh!), but it was in a kind way and she did make me look less mature. so, that's good, right? ;o) gonna go a few more times before you get here!

Jae said...

So you liked her?!?! Yay!!! I adore her, and I like the fact that she helps to keep my hair YOUNG! Can I hear a "Amen?!"

Monica said...

yes. i love her. i think she will be more than the rebound girl. ;o) she COULD be my daughter, though. ;o)

Anonymous said...

I refuse to vow anything to my hair until it gets its act together and shows me that it's ready to settle down!

Monica said...

@whatimeant2say - ha! sometimes in relationships it is up to US to make the first move.