Thursday, May 24, 2012

Why I avoid being in a vehicle with my family.

A mostly true conversation in the Yukon Cornelius after seeing bikes propped up against and locked to a stop sign in our neighborhood:

Boy Child:  Someone put their bikes next to the stop sign AGAIN!  Seriously?  Those bikes are going to get stolen one of these days.

Girl 1:  How?  They're locked.

Boy Child:  THAT DOESN'T MEAN THEY CAN'T BE STOLEN.  Use your common sense.  Someone could just use a blow torch.  In fact, I'll get a blow torch and steal them.

Me:  Lifting my eyebrow to hubby.

Girl 1:  Seriously?  How would you steal them with a blow torch?

Boy Child:  You would just put the blow torch at the bottom of the pole and blow through the pole with fire.  Then, the bikes are yours.

Hubby:  Yeah, but they'd be locked together.  And you'd have a broken down stop sign pole.  AND a blow torch is noisy so someone would probably call the cops.  It would be better to just use a hack saw.

Me:  A hack saw???  Really?  Isn't a hack saw kind of like a butter knife?  A hack saw would not cut down a stop sign pole.

Hubby *kind of condescendingly*:  An electric hacksaw, babe?  Yes, yes it would.

Me:  DuhOf course, an electric hacksaw.  But, where would you plug it in?

Hubby:  Rolling his eyes at me.  Really?

Boy Child:  Well, I still think a blow torch would work better.  I am not sure about the noise.  Do they make silencers for blow torches?  And, well, as for them being locked together you could just walk them home like that.  Because I guess it would be a little hard to ride one and carry the other.

Hubby:  Well, yeah.  And someone might see you and wonder why you were carrying two bikes home in the middle of the night and leaving behind a downed stop sign pole that had been blow torched through.

Girl 1:  Yeah, but you still wouldn't be able to RIDE them because they would be locked together.  Duh! 

Boy Child:  DUH!  Use your common sense!  You could just cut through the locks with a.............what's that thing called, dad?  What would you use to cut through the locks?

Hubby:  A bolt cutter?

Boy Child:  Yeah.  A bolt cutter!  You could just cut through the locks with a bolt cutter once you got them home.  In your garage.

Hubby:  Duh!  Use your common sense!  If you were going to steal the bikes, it would be a lot easier if you just took the bolt cutter with you and cut through the lock there at the stop sign pole.

Boy Child (somewhat deflated):  Yeah.  I guess you could do it that way.  (Silence.)  But using a blow torch would be way more fun.

Note to self:  Do NOT lock my bike (when I get one) to a stop sign pole in my neighborhood.  Ever. 


John Underhill said...

Cute adventures in the criminal mind. I am assuming you are paraphrasing what is said or you got a powerful audio memory.

jamiew said...

FYI: i believe those were bikes belonging to some nice young mormon missionary boys, so tell the would be bandits that stealing them would probably insure they wouldn't be eligible for their own heavenly planet in the afterlife. but that probably wouldn't crossover to catholicism, so it's moot.
go big, go blowtorch.

Anonymous said...

Next week: how to steal a car using a helicopter and tear gas...
Very funny!


Gretchen said...

Ha! Y'all sound like our family. We get argumentative about stuff that WHO THE HECK CARES! when my daughter graduated from high school, she sent Obama a ticket to the ceremony. We had a huge fight at the dinner table about it. Who was going to shake his hand, who wasn't, who was going to tell him he was ruining the country, who was going to tell him "you are change I believe in" when there was no way in hell he would be there.

Monica said...

@john - thanks for the read! yes, we are criminal minds. and, no. i have no memory at all. most everything on my blog is made up and never really happened. @jamiew - shizzle. i think you are RIGHT. they were mormon bikes. are we going to hell? probably. just because of the bike thing? probably not. @whatimeant2say - stealing a car using a helicopter and tear gas. i. cannot. wait. @gretchen - hahahaha! that made me snort.

Shannon said...

OMG Do I love you children! Especially the boy. Give him a hug from Aunty Shannon!

Monica said...

@shannon - they are CA-razy. truly i don't know where they get it from. ;o)

WeezaFish said...

So funny, and so reminds of the kind of conversation Hubby has with our boys. DO they make silences for blow torches?!

Monica said...

weezafish - silencers for blow torches??? can you believe it? am i living with the mob? i cannot believe that phrase was even muttered in the yukon cornelius.