Just Ducky.

Blech!  I knew I said I was going to stay away from you guys for a couple days to work on my mounting list of crap important stuff that needs to get done...but, let's be realistic.  I am addicted to you guys (and possibly procrastination). 

I got a new cell phone.  In case you are new here, I am technologically impaired and living somewhere in the 80's when it comes to technology.  I did not own a cell phone until a few years ago when basically the world wore me down.  I do not trust cell phones mainly because:  I hate to talk on the phone, I am going deaf, and I think cell phones might be the downfall of communication as we have known it.  Regardless, the other day hubby dragged me down to the cell phone store and asked me which new phone I wanted.  This was kind of similar to being asked by your optometrist, "Which looks better A or B?" and you really have no idea, but you say, "B" with complete confidence because you just want the examination to be over and get into your new glasses.

So, I told the cell phone man (who can't even really be called a man because I am pretty sure he was about 11) that I wanted that phone that you could talk into and say things like, "Make me dinner," or "Can you find me a job where I can make money for pinning things on Pinterest?" or "Can you get me a book deal when I haven't actually written a book?"  And your phone answers back to you nicely (unlike your children) saying things like, "Yes."  "On it."  "I will most certainly do that for you, and would you like your coffee now?"  "Did I tell you yet that you look gorgeous in that outfit?"  "Have you been working out?  Because you look more toned." 

He looked at me like I was clearly nuts and said, "Oh, I think you are talking about the iPhone 202.  We don't carry that."  So, then I said, "Oh, well what about that phone where you can write notes to yourself like, 'Don't forget to put the clothes in the dryer when you get home so that you don't have to spend a whole 'nother day doing laundry.'  So that I don't have to scramble looking for a sharpened pencil and paper while I am driving on the highway at 75 miles per hour hauling four kids in the back.  Do you guys have that phone?" 

Again, I got the look (like I'm crazy).  And then the patient, "Oh, ma'am, you must be talking about the blah, blah, blah.  We don't carry that one, either.  But I guarantee you since blah, blah, blah (and then what sounded to me like Charlie Brown's mother) we will carry that blah, blah, blah." 

Incidentally much later we saw a woman with that exact note-writing phone.  Let me just say THANK GAWD they didn't have that one because it is HUGE.  I would have had to buy a different purse to go along with it (not necessarily a bad thing).  The commercial really is deceiving.  It should say "Shown size is not actual size.  Phone is GIGANTIC in real life."  It's like hauling around a little laptop and I cannot imagine holding that thing up to your ear.  It looks ridiculous (no offense if you actually own that phone).

So, then I said, "Okay, well what do you have?"  And, bam, I got a brand new phone that's supposed to make me smarter, faster, and more efficient.  (But, won't necessarily get me a book deal, or kids who listen and behave, or make me a million dollars, or a cup of coffee.  Useless.  I know.)

Fast forward to yesterday when I was registering my kids for college (yes, I know they are only 3, 7, 9, and 10 but I am, indeed, registering them for college).  In order to attend a summer camp which is being hosted at a college, I have to register my kids for college.  It sounds a little kooky (and kind of like my kids are geniuses, which I must say - I am okay with), but it's the truth.  And, let me tell you, in case you are my age and registered for college a Long Time Ago, registering for college these days TAKES A MILLION YEARS and now requires basically giving blood and having an AIDS test (I am kidding, but only slightly).

So, here I am on the computer registering my 10 year old for COLLEGE, which was taking FORever and giving me a migraine.  It was kind of going like this (if the computer could talk):

Enter your login number:
What login number???
Searching back through the paperwork and trying one of the 5000 numbers I have scribbled down.
You have entered an incorrect login number.  Click here if you cannot remember your login number.
Well FU&%.  Click.
A new login number will be emailed to the email you enter in five to ten minutes.
Perfect.  Going to pee and then checking my email which says:  Click here and you will receive your new login number.  Clicking. 
Here is your new login in number.  You must exit the system and begin the process again.
Me:  Going to get a dull kitchen knife with which to STAB MYSELF in the eyes.

Now, you are probably wondering what the HELL any of this has to do with my new smarter and faster phone, right?  Or, you just stopped reading a long time ago figuring I was even more ca-razy than before.  Well here's how - while I was doing all this, my sweet friend was texting me (on my new phone) asking me about summer camps!  So, I texted some profanity back to her and told her I was REGISTERING MY KIDS FOR COLLEGE.

It was THEN that I realized my brand new f%;*ing phone was in fact either DUMB or my conscience (neither or which is sitting well with me). 

Every single time I typed a cuss word my "smart (ass)" phone converted it to some other word.  So that our texting went something like this:

Friend:  Hey, what summer camps are you registering the kids for?

Me:  Well, right now I am registering the kids for ducking college.

Friend:  Ha!  Ducking college?

Me:  Ducking?  What the duck?  Why can't I cuss?

Friend:  It's your phone.  You have to enter all the cuss words into the dictionary.

Me:  You.  Are.  Ducking kidding.

Friend:  No, no.  That's what you have to do.

Me:  This STUCKS.  ETF???  Perfect.  I thought this phone was supposed to be smarter than my old phone.  It should know intuitively that I want to cuss.  God blame it.  God blame it?  Seriously?  This is smarter???

Friend:  It is smarter.  It's keeping your language clean.


Seriously?  So, this phone is smarter? 

I want a refund.