Search for a new bathing suit or Mission Impossible

"Swimming technology inside. You will feel more confident as soon as you slip into a shapewear suit." Land's End spring sale catalog. Well, SIGN ME UP. I want to feel more confident simply by slipping into a new swimsuit. What woman doesn't? Is it really that easy? If so, order me up 10. When I saw this I was almost EXCITED by the prospect of catalog shopping for my new suits.


Yesterday I bravely ordered a new swimsuit. Two in fact. (To the tune of two hundred some dollars - yeah, hear's hoping my husband is not reading my blog.) This is HUGE for me since I have been wearing the same suit since somewhere around 1999. I seem to have an enormous challenge when it comes to swimsuits that is really hard to get around. This particular challenge involves - marks that come from having given birth to four babies, items that seem to have shifted downward since breast feeding four babies, a backside that is...........where?, a stomach that is...................well, highly visible, a pocketbook that cannot afford plastic surgery, some serious issues with not wanting to expose others to my body form, a brain that cannot seem to make a decision, serious fashion-impairment, and a BUDGET. And as I browsed through the catalog these past few days (yes, this painful process has taken about a week and the "no shipping" sale ends today - but no pressure) there doesn't seem to be a suit to solve these problems.


So, what should be a 30 minute process has evolved into a three day process. First day: tackle the catalog and try to make sense of: the targeted control, the quick measurement chart (quick being the operative and at the same time deceptive word there), the all-new combinations which helpfully include the do/don't chart where I manage to actually have a DO and a DON'T on the SAME BODY - how is that humanly possible? I don't know - ask Land's End, helpful codes so that you can find the suit that suits your body (puns are never bad, right?), and last but not least the guarantee that you will be perfectly happy with your new suit and how it shapes and suits your body.


Second day: measure said body. You are probably thinking - why does this take a day? Well, first I have to find a tape measure, then I have to figure out how to take a measurement (there are helpful guides on how to do this in the catalog), then I have to match the measurement to the size. Okay, so how hard can this be??? I have a master's degree for heaven's sake. Well, I have come to the conclusion that preparing to buy a new suit when you have a body like mine apparently IS brain surgery. Okay, so if you are still reading just read this and tell me what you think. The torso measurement is taken like this: "Run tape measure down your back from where shoulder meets neck, through your legs and back up in front. (In other words make a loop)." OH, I say. A loop! Well, that's helpful. Now I am stuck IN the tape measure and looking, quite frankly, like an IDIOT. Sheesh. Finally I got my measurements and it turns out I am four different sizes. Well, thank God we did that. That was helpful.


Third day. Can you feel my enthusiasm fading? Maybe the old suit isn't so bad. I have been working out, after all. Make the call. Perfect. I get an operator who by the sound of her voice is older than me. I am loving that because at this point had I gotten a teenager I definitely would be sporting last year's suit for one more year. This kind woman takes me through the process of ordering two tops and two bottoms and together we again consider which sizes and colors will suit me best (it's always good to have an unknown second opinion, right?). "Do I want a cover-up?" she politely asks. Hell yeah I want a cover-up. What else am I going to do if after all this planning it STILL doesn't work out??? She laughs politely (I am sure she is thinking I am a crazy woman who needs to be committed by this point). The cover-up comes in 12 different colors and by this time my ADD is kicking in and I am tired and it is three minutes to the bus and I can't even remember which suits I ordered in what sizes let alone colors. Just make it brown I say - remembering that brown is the new black! Okay. It's done. I owe about 8000 dollars, but guess what! She tells me that if I am not completely satisfied I can return everything (and wear my old suit). Somehow I make it through the call and after 22 minutes on the phone with this woman (who I consider my friend now and may try to look up later) I am the proud buyer of two new suits. Completely returnable!


I'll check in later and let you know how it all worked out. Or, if I don't - know that I will be sporting my 1999 fashion once again this summer. Happy tanning! ;o)