Tuesday, April 3, 2012

I answered the doorbell, and that is how THIS happened.

Before you say, "YOU DID WHAT?  WHAT THE FURCK?"  I have a simple explanation.  I answered the doorbell and it went quickly downhill from there.

If you are a regular, you know that Girl 1 has wanted a pet since she was conceived.  The pets she has wanted have ranged from unicorn to dog to turtle.  Yesterday her dream came true.  Well....at least until we have a Plan it came true.

So, here's how it mostly went down.

We were sitting around minding our own furcking business when our sweet 10 year old neighbor girl from up the street came knocking on our door.  That itself is hardly strange.  It happens nearly everyday.  Either the neighbor kids find their way down here and knock on our door, or my motley crew finds its way up the street to drive the neighbor bat$hit crazy.  (Yes, there will be a lot of mock-profanity in this post because frankly there is a lot of mock-profanity welled up inside me right now.)

What WAS strange is that she was holding this in her hands:

Meet Rocky/Yertle the Boy/Girl Turtle/Tortoise.

I think what she said (through wild, deranged grinning) was, "Did you guys lose a turtle?"

Now, my immediate thoughts were many and went through my brain like a semi-automatic weapon shooting off rounds: 

First thought:  Hell no it's not ours.  Did you think I went furcking NUTS and got the kids a turtle this weekend and then came to my senses and let it out
Second thought:  CLOSE THE DOOR so that none of the kids see the turtle. 
Third thought:  Start speaking Spanish to confuse her and maybe she'll go away on her own. 
Fourth thought:  Start telling lies.  About anything. 
Fifth thought:  CLOSE THE DOOR.
Sixth thought:  CLOSE THE FURCKING DOOR!

Then (while I had sat there silently thinking these thoughts) my kids came to the door and I was screwed.

Back-up was called in the form of our neighbors who have a menagerie (not to be confused with a menage a trois) at their house to determine what kind of turtle it is.  That was helpful.  Here's what was determined:

1.  It's probably a tortoise because its feet are not webbed and it hated the water when the kids submerged it.

2.  Turtles and quite possibly tortoises hate to be held.  It was held and carried by children for about five hours last night and due to that trauma (presumably) it slept all day today.  Or, it's just really lazy.

3.  It's not a snapping turtle because our neighbor tested it to see if it would snap.

4.  So far it eats, leaves, lettuce, raspberries, and carrot.

5.  The Internets and our neighbor said it would also eat apples.  In this way it is like a horse.  Except you can't ride it, it's not useful, and you can't pet it.

6.  Turtles and tortoises carry salmonella (a fact I already knew and use to my advantage regularly and without hesitation) which is why it is not a good idea to pet it or carry it.  Within seconds, the three year old pet it and then immediately sucked on her hand.  I just knew death was imminent.

7.  It *might* grow to be large enough to ride.  But, that would be weird and kind of uncomfortable.

8.  It doesn't appear to like it's tank (borrowed from the menagerie neighbors) because it spent a good part of last night (while I was trying to watch TV) loudly banging it's head on the glass.  PTSD?  Or just ungrateful bastard?

9.  The girls have watched it with a fascinating love, and curiosity usually reserved for sleeping infants.

10.  The sex of a turtle (or tortoise) can be determined by pulling up some nether-region part.  Who cares?
 
11.  "Salad" has been taken off the Eat From the Pantry  Challenge menu.

12.  It's been named.  I think "Rocky."  I wanted Yertle.  Apparently no one knows Dr. Seuss.  Really, people?

13.  Tortoises (and possibly turtles) can live to be 8000 years old.  Really?  Right now it looks like its about 300 - give or take.

Now, before you send me Congratulations on Your New Addition cards, here is The Plan So Far.  We think it is possibly a tortoise and not native to these here parts.  So, if we were to take it out back to the creek it would probably not survive too long.  Although I am an avid non pet-lover I do not want the blood of this damn turtle/tortoise on my hands.  Therefore, we have decided to take it to a pet store to determine what the hell it is and we will go from there.  Meanwhile, it is sitting atop my sewing machine in a tank eating all my salad and making insufferable noises while I blog and watch TV.  Damn him/her.

18 comments:

Tony Maldonado said...

Should'a got the unicorn when you had the chance :-)

Monica said...

@tony - wise words, tony. wise words.

Dee said...

This tortoise looks just like mine and if it is, he/she is a Russian tortoise. Mine is probably about 6 inches and I've had him for over a year now and he hasn't gotten any bigger. As far as the banging his head on the tank, part of the reason he/she is doing that is because it can see other space and is trying to get to that space. You could put something around the bottom of the outside of the tank to help with that. Food wise, mine gets red or green leaf lettuce (iceburg is not good for them), kale, carrots, and apple on a regular basis...all chopped together. And it does need lighting...mine has three lights...a regular 75 watt bulb for day time heat (they are cheaper than what the pet store sells), a uvb light that is also used during the day, and a red night time bulb...and of course you need housings for all three of those as well. And reptile bark is the only thing I have ever used for his bedding. They also need to soak a few times a week. I have a kiddie pool that I put just enough water in to where my tortoise's head doesn't go under water, but he will put his head under water and blow bubbles which is cute. :) Mine also isn't keen on being held either. They are relatively easy to care for. Hope this helps you, even if he/she only ends up being a temporary family member.

Monica said...

@dee - THANK YOU!!! now - what size tank is your little guy in? that's primarily what i am worried about - teeny house, four kids. ;o) and are the lights for heat? i'm not understanding that. again, huge thanks!

Dee said...

You are very welcome! I have mine in a 20 gallon long...it gives him a bit more space to move about than a regular 20 gallon. And yes, two of the lights are for heat...the regular 75 watt bulb (use this along with the uvb bulb for day time light) and the red bulb for night. The red bulb is to help with digestion and activity and is also ideal for nocturnal vision. The uvb bulb is needed for calcium metabolism and is also used to help stimulate appetite. Here is a website with some info on them, stuff like foods, care, and I believe it talks about the lighting as well.
http://russiantortoise.org/
It is also possible that it may be a Greek tortoise and I believe their care is about the same. Hope this helps as well.

Monica said...

@dee - awesome! will check that site. girl 1, 2, and 3 will be supremely happy about the possibility of keeping him/her. ;o)

Dee said...

Maybe you will have some happy girls then. :) I had always wanted a turtle when I was younger, but the parents always said no. So instead I had to wait for my husband to come along and give me one as a birthday present. Granted I knew I was getting him because I work at the pet store. :) Oh and some fake plants are something my guy likes, he hides in them sometimes.

Nomads By Nature said...

How cute!! I think this is the beginning of a fabulous friendship. Congrats on your newest family member! ----And next time you might look out the peephole first ;)

Shannon said...

Girl 1 is gonna hate me. There is a species of TX tortoise that is listed as threatened or endangered fines can be steep. Make sure you get a good ID on that thing.

Jessica Carlisle said...

DEFINITELY got to get a proper species confirmation on this sweet turtle. :)

Thank you, THANK YOU, for taking one for the team!!!

Monica said...

@shannon - sent you an email this morning. @jessica - not going to keep it. made decision last night after doing some research. turns out tortoises of this type need lots of specified care. would want to keep it outside and we are not prepared to do that. am going to try and find "for sure" species confirmation and home for it today. wish me luck!

Anonymous said...

Haha! NEVER ANSWER THE DOORBELL! Guess you learned your lesson!
~whatimeant2say

jamiew said...

This is why I haven't replaced my broken doorbell. Still trying to pawn off the now hugely fat cat that camped on my porch 2 winters ago.
When I first read this I thought you wanted to name it Yentl, which would be appropriate since the sex is still yet to be determined. (I have read Yertle, and wasn't he kind of an @ssh*le?)
Rocky is too cute and not as dignified as this poor fellow.

Monica said...

@whatimeant2say - i have now broken my doorbell to ward off anymore unwelcome guests. ;o) @jamie - yes. after i picked yertle (i don't know how to spell that), i changed it to yentl and then ed changed it to leo (which i love). so, now it's name is rocky bulwinkle yertle yentl leo. which i will tell the guy who is his/her new owner.

Nomads By Nature said...

Your adventures with RBYYL have inspired me! Just wanted to let you know I linked to you here:http://webtexans.wordpress.com/2012/04/05/diet-and-exercise/
Looking forward to the next update!

Monica said...

@nomads - loved, loved, loved your post. going to comment today...with QUESTIONS! you and i must be kindred spirits of late b/c today i am posting a little of this and that (including eat better/exercise plan). virtual hugs!

Wall2WallPhotography said...

OMG...This is funny...I mean, I laughed out loud, literally, and the other girls wonder what I am up to in here...I am afraid I'm going to have to stalk you. :D (PS I followed you over from the Bloggess. ;) )

Sadly, I can't comment with my WordPress ID, but I do blog over there: http://musingsfromaworkaholic.wordpress.com/

so do stop by if you have a moment. :)

Monica said...

@walltowall - i not only welcome stalking, i highly encourage it. thank you for reading and commenting. i will check out your blog stat.

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