I answered the doorbell, and that is how THIS happened.

Before you say, "YOU DID WHAT?  WHAT THE FURCK?"  I have a simple explanation.  I answered the doorbell and it went quickly downhill from there.

If you are a regular, you know that Girl 1 has wanted a pet since she was conceived.  The pets she has wanted have ranged from unicorn to dog to turtle.  Yesterday her dream came true.  Well....at least until we have a Plan it came true.

So, here's how it mostly went down.

We were sitting around minding our own furcking business when our sweet 10 year old neighbor girl from up the street came knocking on our door.  That itself is hardly strange.  It happens nearly everyday.  Either the neighbor kids find their way down here and knock on our door, or my motley crew finds its way up the street to drive the neighbor bat$hit crazy.  (Yes, there will be a lot of mock-profanity in this post because frankly there is a lot of mock-profanity welled up inside me right now.)

What WAS strange is that she was holding this in her hands:

Meet Rocky/Yertle the Boy/Girl Turtle/Tortoise.

I think what she said (through wild, deranged grinning) was, "Did you guys lose a turtle?"

Now, my immediate thoughts were many and went through my brain like a semi-automatic weapon shooting off rounds: 

First thought:  Hell no it's not ours.  Did you think I went furcking NUTS and got the kids a turtle this weekend and then came to my senses and let it out? 
Second thought:  CLOSE THE DOOR so that none of the kids see the turtle. 
Third thought:  Start speaking Spanish to confuse her and maybe she'll go away on her own. 
Fourth thought:  Start telling lies.  About anything. 
Fifth thought:  CLOSE THE DOOR.
Sixth thought:  CLOSE THE FURCKING DOOR!

Then (while I had sat there silently thinking these thoughts) my kids came to the door and I was screwed.

Back-up was called in the form of our neighbors who have a menagerie (not to be confused with a menage a trois) at their house to determine what kind of turtle it is.  That was helpful.  Here's what was determined:

1.  It's probably a tortoise because its feet are not webbed and it hated the water when the kids submerged it.

2.  Turtles and quite possibly tortoises hate to be held.  It was held and carried by children for about five hours last night and due to that trauma (presumably) it slept all day today.  Or, it's just really lazy.

3.  It's not a snapping turtle because our neighbor tested it to see if it would snap.

4.  So far it eats, leaves, lettuce, raspberries, and carrot.

5.  The Internets and our neighbor said it would also eat apples.  In this way it is like a horse.  Except you can't ride it, it's not useful, and you can't pet it.

6.  Turtles and tortoises carry salmonella (a fact I already knew and use to my advantage regularly and without hesitation) which is why it is not a good idea to pet it or carry it.  Within seconds, the three year old pet it and then immediately sucked on her hand.  I just knew death was imminent.

7.  It *might* grow to be large enough to ride.  But, that would be weird and kind of uncomfortable.

8.  It doesn't appear to like it's tank (borrowed from the menagerie neighbors) because it spent a good part of last night (while I was trying to watch TV) loudly banging it's head on the glass.  PTSD?  Or just ungrateful bastard?

9.  The girls have watched it with a fascinating love, and curiosity usually reserved for sleeping infants.

10.  The sex of a turtle (or tortoise) can be determined by pulling up some nether-region part.  Who cares?
 
11.  "Salad" has been taken off the Eat From the Pantry  Challenge menu.

12.  It's been named.  I think "Rocky."  I wanted Yertle.  Apparently no one knows Dr. Seuss.  Really, people?

13.  Tortoises (and possibly turtles) can live to be 8000 years old.  Really?  Right now it looks like its about 300 - give or take.

Now, before you send me Congratulations on Your New Addition cards, here is The Plan So Far.  We think it is possibly a tortoise and not native to these here parts.  So, if we were to take it out back to the creek it would probably not survive too long.  Although I am an avid non pet-lover I do not want the blood of this damn turtle/tortoise on my hands.  Therefore, we have decided to take it to a pet store to determine what the hell it is and we will go from there.  Meanwhile, it is sitting atop my sewing machine in a tank eating all my salad and making insufferable noises while I blog and watch TV.  Damn him/her.