Wednesday, April 25, 2012

The Pa-gina Dialogue

So, my good friend Lana was here the other evening drinking beer and shooting the $hit.  We were outside watching the older kids play and Girl 3 (Baby - age THREE) was tooling around nearby with chalk (which is kind of like the devil's work because it leaves its mark every-freakin'-where).  Girl 3 asked me and Lana to chalk with her.  I hate chalk, so I declined.  But Lana kindly said, "I'll draw a chalk outline of you.  C'mon.  It'll be fun!" 

Now, Girl 3 already has a penchant for Things She is Too Young For And Doesn't Understand (for example, just yesterday when someone asked her where her other baby was she said, "She's dead.") so I was a tad bit skeptical that Lana should be doing a chalk outline of Girl 3's body.  But, I didn't want to get chalk all over myself so I gladly watched quietly while Lana had Girl 3 lie down on the driveway and traced her body all CSI style.

When Lana was done Girl 3 promptly got up to admire her chalk outline and I said, "Great!  Now all you have to do is commit a crime, get shot down in our driveway for your crime related offenses, and our work here is finished!"  Just kidding.  I didn't say that.  Out loud.

Girl 3 got up and admired her drawing and Lana said, "Okay.  Now get to work coloring it in!"

When Lana said that, any doubts I had about the appropriateness of the activity dissolved because baby quickly got to work chalking and Lana and I resumed our beer drinking.

Lana had to leave shortly after that and a while after that hubby came outside to sit with me.

By that time, Girl 3 had colored her whole body in and proudly came over to hubby and I and loudly announced, "LOOK GUYS!  I'M DONE COLORING MY BODY AND MY PA-GINA IS PINK!" 

Now, let me just say that I am not one of those moms that calls private parts by their non-anatomical names.  For example I had a friend who called her boy's Johnson a "chicken" from the time he was born.  Seriously?  A chicken?  Tell me that kid's not going to need therapy.  And, possibly be a vegetarian.  No, I have always called these parts by their names (well, kind of).  I call the boy's a "penis" and I call the girl's a "vagina." 

Now, I have encountered a little resistance to this practice from other mom friends who are OB/GYNs.  (Just kidding.  I am not friends with any OB/GYNS - except my own.  My friends just act like OB/GYNs sometimes.  Apparently.)  These OB/GYN acting friends get even more technical with the girl part and call it a "labia."

I don't do that for two reasons.  1.  I absolutely abhor that word "labia."  It just sounds awful.  And I hate the "minor" and "major" even more.  Are we playing fuc&ing music here?  2.  Who cares once you are down in that nether region what the hell it's technically technically called?  3.  (okay three reasons) I think "Vagina" covers the entire region nicely and it, more or less, rolls off the tongue.  (Ha!  I said, "vagina" rolls off your tongue.  Hubby would be so proud.)

Back to my post - which, if you don't remember was about CSI chalk drawings - so, baby runs back to hubby and me and screams that her PA-GINA is pink!  I immediately gag on beer and hubby glances up from his iTouch and says, "WHAT did she just say???"

"Her pa-gina is pink."

Hubby said, "Oh my GAWD.  Fabulous."  I don't think that's what he really said, but that's how it translated.  Close enough.


I think hubby died then.  Then when he came back to life I think he said, "Make her stop," weakly through his snorts of laughter.

While I said, "Oh, I can't wait for her to go school and say that."

While Baby continued to scream for the neighbors and everyone to hear, "DADDY COME SEE MY PINK PAGINA."

How beautiful is this, guys?  We have gone from What the Focka? to The Pagina Dialogues.  Perfect.  Our lives are complete.


Jae RachelCarlisle said...

Girl 3 should have come with us to see The Bloggess! They are like-minded.

Monica said...

hahaha! girl 3 knows far, far too much. ;o)

Anonymous said...

OMG! LMFAO! This is so hysterical! I was laughing at a friend of mine, whose daughter keeps saying, "umpelican cord", but this completely trumps that! I bet your neighbors love you! (Oh, and I totally agree with you about calling it a "vagina".)

WeezaFish said...

I'm SO glad you added the pic. I was scrolling down, hoping we'd all get to see the pink pagina ...

jamiew said...

could that pic get tagged as chalk porn?
she is so focking precious.

Monica said...

@whatimeant2say - i don't know. "umpelican cord" is pretty good. now, if girl 3 ever says, "my focking pink pagina" i will die and have to be resussitated (and i am not even going to google the correct spelling on that). @weezafish - i actually photographed it so that i could text it to lana. lana was in a fast food drive through line when she got the text. she died. (figuratively not literally). @jamiew - do NOT let it get around that i am doing porn in the hood (that's ALL i need). ;o)

Kristi said...

I have a distinct memory of arguing with a friend-who always had allergies-at preschool about what "that" was called. We called it a "doojie" at my house, no idea why. So my mom picked me up that day and I said "Ok mom, tell me the truth. Is it a doojie, or a vajiba?" =)

Thanks for stopping by Table-for-3 earlier!

Monica said...

@kristi - doojie! ha! that's hilarious. and more hilarious is that you have no idea why. so, so funny hearing what people call these parts. i might have to do a post on that.

Leigh Powell Hines (Hines-Sight Blog) said...

This is one of your better ones. So funny.

Monica said...

@leigh - thanks, bloggy friend. the kids give me so much blog fodder it should be illegal.