Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Terrorized by a four year old. Or Hoarders, Part 2

So, I started doing this a few days ago.  It has been positively as joyful as bathing suit shopping for me.  On a related (kind of) note:  I chose not to buy suits this year because I thought I still had two gorgeous suits.  But, it seems the space between my neck and navel - some would call this The Bust - has shrunk.  To be safe I googled shrinking bust size.  This search yielded 1.  Shrinking building in Japan (which might mess with my mind the same way that my shrinking boobage has), and 2.  Another search where I found this sexpert Q&A  which basically says I should quit exercising in order to get what little boobage I had back.  So............................what?  Google:  YOU ARE CONFUSING AND I HATE YOU.


Recap:  I am decluttering my home space by space.  This is a torturous and often humorous (because torture and humor are so closely related) experience that has revealed some frightening things about my family.

1.  My four year old never stops talking.  Here's how "cleaning" has gone since her last day of school.

Her (speaking loudly from the other room):  Can we play a game?

Me:  No, baby.  Momma has to clean the entire house cabinet by cabinet.  Maybe when you are 24.

Her:  So, in a few minutes?

Me:  Maybe.

Her:  What does maybe mean again?  Yes? 

Me (making a stabbing motion through my heart):  Maybe means maybe yes or maybe no.  We'll see.

Her:  Okay.  Then, can we read a book?

Me (making a gun with my hand and pointing it toward my head):  Remember I'm cleaning so the water is running and I can't really hear you.  Come in here.

Her (skips into the kitchen):  Okay.  Can you hear me now?  Wow.  That stuff is really dirty.  Why is everything so gross?  When is the last time you did this?  Can we just move?

Me:  No.  We can't move, but I'm pretending we are moving just to keep me on my toes.

Her:  That doesn't make sense to me.

Me:  I know.  That's how cleaning is.

Her:  Why are you throwing away all of our baby dishes?

Me:  I'm not.  I am saving them for when you have babies.  Then you can give them to your babies.

Her:  Well, I'm glad mine's not blue because I am only having girls.

Me:  Well, you get what you get.  If you get a boy, you get a boy.

Her:  Well, if I get a boy, I'm sending him right back or giving him away.

Awesome.  So goes two minutes of cleaning.  We are sending away boy babies.

2.  The other day the kids came home and asked me what I had done all day.  I explained to them that I am on a mission to clean and declutter the house space by space and that this might take until they finish college.  

Girl 1:  Well, you could start by getting rid of these baby spoons.  I mean like, seriously mom?  Why do we still have these?

Boy Child:  Because, Girl 1!  Mom might have another baby.

Awesome, Part II.  This makes me both frightened for Boy Child that he thinks this is even possible at my age and also a bit horrified that the baby spoons are still in there.

3.  Yesterday I uncovered this:

Yes, that is 8000 plastic knives.  Cheesus.  Who does that???  Who has 8000 plastic knives (but no fork to save a life) in their house???  I am ready for the Mother Load of Church Picnics.....or something.

4.  Today I decided we'd had enough cleaning.  In one day I will have four kids underfoot for two and a half months and everything I have so dutifully cleaned is going to be filthy again in the first 24 hours of it.  So, I decided to go run the errands that have been piling up since...............November 2012.  We had 14 errands to run.  It was made slightly less painful by the fact that the credit union was selling chocolate popcorn for a dollar.  I was going to deposit my check, but instead I bought 589 bags of popcorn.  (JUST KIDDING!  I don't get paid that much, and besides, who can eat that much popcorn?!)  I bought Girl 3 a bag of popcorn and she was actually quiet and pleasant *almost* our entire trip.  Which leads to me to this:

These are "high waisted bathing suit bottoms."  Or, as Girl 3 called them, "Big, huge panties."  Thank you, Girl 3 for ruining what little self esteem I have left.
Yeah.  I bought these today with a top. 

"Oh, good.  I thought you weren't going to wear a top, mom," said Girl 3 in the Target changing room at the top of her lungs after opening the door on me while I was not clothed.  I hope hubby reads this post because I have a feeling he will call them "big, huge panties," too and then I will have to return them.

The end.  Boy Child "graduates" from fifth grade tomorrow with all the pomp and circumstance of The Royal Wedding.  I am hoping I don't cry like a crazy woman at a funeral.  Wish me luck.


Shannon said...

Well at least you know someone in Africa is doing the same thing AND homeschooling at the same time. Seriously if I don't give them work to do then they just hang out in the doorway of where ever I am doing an amazing good impression of girl 3, OR they get into things already sorted cleaned and organized. They have NO survival instincts, seriously WHO talks to a woman when she is cleaning??

Today's mission: Pack all of Dave's dust collectors...errr...I mean collectable figurines. Do you think he would notice if I dropped them off at the nearest orphanage? Do you think the orphans would want them? Then I get to deal with the boys 6 1/2 foot wide giant big a** bean bag. Don't even ask why we have this thing. OMG the boys wanted to ship it back to the states. I had to tell them I think it is bigger than your bedroom. Wish me luck, it's gonna be a loooong day.

Oh yeah I almost forgot I have to go to the store to buy a Guli Wankulu table. Because I MUST have a table with a carved witch doctor as the base in San Antonio, it goes so well with the cowboys and cactuses. GRIN!

jamiew said...

so isn't there some long overused saying that goes something like, "put on your big girl panties and suck it up"...
do you need a straw? or a bridge? or a lid?
(really, i do empathize your plight, as i am in the same damn boat)

Monica said...

@Shannon - just get here and then we will calmly deal with all the crap. ;) donate dave's "collectibles." I think the orphans will love them. @Jamie - I was gonna go help you pack, but now? nah. i'm just going to look at you condescendingly on facebook. ;)

Leigh Powell Hines said...

So funny! I have not even bought a suit yet. And we have baby spoons, too. LOL!

Anonymous said...

I will tell you exactly who had the 8000 forks and knives that go with those spoons - my in-laws. They always saved their plastic ware, but apparently always forgot they had saved it, and then bought new plastic ware.

And here is a big girl panty story that I prob. won't put on my blog b/c it seems kind of mean, but I have to share with someone who would appreciate it: Dimples "graduated" from 5th grade today, and Grandma attended the ceremony. Afterward, we went to my husband's car where Grandma had a gift bag full of little trinkets for Dimples. Each was wrapped and heavily taped in tissue paper. After opening five of these, Dimples pulled out the next item. Big girl panties.
"Um, you got her underwear for graduation?" I asked.
"Oh no. Those are mine. I brought them just in case I needed a clean pair," Grandma said.
Who stores their spare underwear in a gift bag FILLED WITH GIFTS?
I'm totally going to do that the next time I go to a party.

Monica said...

@leigh - I cannot believe you haven't bought your suit!!! you the traveling guru! you need to buy it! ;o) @whatimeant2say - oh my jeez. that made me snort. and grandma (bless her heart) was all nonchalant about it, "oh, no. that's just in case I $hit my pants." I am totally doing that. cannot wait.

WeezaFish said...

My cheeks hurt cos you made me laugh loads while I was eating chocolate. Can you video the moment you put your big girl pants in someones gift bag? So we can share that with you? Off to wonder what 8000 people could eat with just a plastic knife ...

Monica said...

@weeza - I may never wear these "panties." hell, I might just put them in a gift bag and wait until someone has a celebration!!!

TNMom said...

This is so funny. Precisely the reason my house is not clean and organized - my kids. I have bathing suit bottoms kinda like that...a skirt pair and a shorts pair. I like them. That thing about putting your spare panties in the gift bag is hysterical, I snorted too! I shall try it! LOL!!

Monica said...

@TNmom - well, i'm really glad I am not the only one with giant swimsuit bottoms. it's kinda weird and I haven't even shown the girls yet, we'll see. I may end up returning them (or just "gifting" them). ;o)

Gretchen said...

Oh my gosh I have a de cluttering post scheduled for Friday lol! Yours is very funny where as mine is kind of whiney. I've considered an entire blog where I show a weird item and asking the question why, like your 1000 knives.

Megly Mc said...

Having just moved, promptly gone on vacation before I was done unpacking, and now returning (yesterday), I'm not sure whether this post is inspiring me to get to work or say "screw it", but for some reason, I feel like putting on bigger underwear. :)

Monica said...

@Gretchen - I could do the "WHY???" blog. really. I have uncovered some slightly guilt inducing and disturbing crud in my cleaning frenzy. clothes that were to be mended? (like I can mend?) that don't fit anyone anymore. :o( there are naked children somewhere that could have worn these unmended clothes. DVDs from 1999? did they even make DVDs then? or were those records? anyway. it's just been.............revealing. I would say i'm almost done, but i'd be lying. @megly mc - moving right now is my worst nightmare, so I wish you all the best in your efforts to unpack. I will try to inspire you with my upcoming, yeah. I don't really know how to inspire so............wait. what was I saying? (see how attention to detail in cleaning is problematic for me?)