Saturday, October 27, 2012

it's a fine line between sanity and donuts and beer for breakfast.

Caution:  Ranty pity-party post ahead.  (It's not solving world peace or international hunger.)

Here are a few sucky things that have made my life not-funny lately .  Instead of continuing to avoid my blog like the plague, I have decided to embrace the suckiness and write about it. 

1.  I have a four year old who talks incessantly.  That is:  without ceasingEver.  Except when she is asleep.  It has made focusing (on anything) really difficult for me these past few weeks.  Before you leave me a self righteous comment telling me how I should savor these moments and that they don't last long, rest assured - I do.  I am just wanting three seconds of quiet once every 24 hours so that I can fu*king focus on the tasks ahead.   That's all.   Don't judge.  (It is my blog.)

Indeed, sometimes I feel guilty for telling her, "Can you please stop talking for three seconds?  Mommy just needs to do this." 

My guilt lasts approximately as long as it takes her to start talking again.  So, usually about the three seconds I asked for.

So that you can experience the full extent of idiocracy that's happening over here, I give you a few of her nonsensical babbles from the past few days. 

a.  (This one happened in the middle of the night, so basically I was a captive audience.)  MOMMY I HAD A NIGHTMARE ABOUT MY LITTLE PONIES.  Except they weren't LITTLE.  They were gigantic and SCARY.  Even Princess Celestia.  She was a scary, gigantic, not little pony.  Can I sleep with you now?

b.  Mom, how old are princesses?  I think about four or eighty?  Do you think that's how old they are?  Except for Brave.  I think she's 20.  But, she wasn't married was she?  Mom, was Brave married?  When I'm 20 I am going to be married.

c.  Mom, I am going to live with you forever.  Okay?  And then I'm going to have four kids.  Two boys and two girls.  And then I am going to have a boyfriend.  And then I am going to have a dog.  And maybe one cat.  But, cats don't like kids, right?  Or do they?  So, maybe I guess I'm not going to have kids.

d.  I drew a picture of Snow White.  But, I didn't know how to make her dress, so I just made her smile look like Snow White's. 

e.  Sometimes she sings her babble.  At the top of her lungs.  If you're shiny and you know it, CLAP YOUR HANDS!  If you're shiny and you know it, CLAP YOUR HANDS!  If you're shiny and you know it........................THEN YOUR FACE WILL SURELY SHOW IT!  If you're shiny and you know it, clap your hands!

f.  She is currently obsessed with all the princesses.  Mom, Snow White has two smiles, right?  One like this (she does a maniac smile)?  And then one like this (she does another slightly more maniac smile)?

g.  Mom, when is the mummy going to go to bed?  (We have a mummy in our living room right now.  Since he can't be left out in the elements, after our epic Halloween party we put him in the kitchen.  But hubby kept getting startled by him and threatened to knock his teeth out.  So, for mummy's sake - I had hubby move him to the living room so that he's looking out the window.)

Do you kinda see how this *was* funny about the first three years and that now it's just making me grow weary (and old)? 

2.  I am not Mother of the Year.  I have known this since my oldest was about a week old.  I will be the first to admit my parenting faults.  Short list:

a.  I am inconsistent to the point of being consistent in my inconsistency.
b.  I am impatient.
c.  I scream.  And sometimes I throw fits.
d.  I am sarcastic.  Sometimes caustically.

So, it should be no surprise that my kids are screwed up.  Usually, though, it's no more so than I myself am screwed up (so, not too bad).  Until this school year.  It's like my family has some sort of super bug which affects their emotions so that all they can do is throw raging fits of lunacy.  And apparently there is no known cure for this super bug.  Believe me I've searched and tried everything known to man.  I have even sunk so low as to read A Parenting Book.  Or two.  Blech.  They didn't help much.  Surprise!

Seriously.  The constant fits by various family members (myself included) have made me weary.  And old.

Don't worry.  This is not a "call for help."  I've already done that.  One of us, and possibly all of us, is going into therapy/counseling/head shrinking/boot camp with a professional as soon as I can iron out the details (which I will be able to do once the four year old gives me three seconds of silence). 

Did I mention I was overtly sarcastic?  You will undoubtedly read more about this in the posts to come.  Or you won't because we will all be hauled away to the loony farm.  In that case, I'll try to sneak in my laptop to keep you up-to-date.

3.  I like to fool around mindlessly on Facebook leaving (what I think) are witty and self-deprecating comments and posts all over and laughing incessantly at my own (hilarious) jokes.  Since I don't have cable, Facebook is kind of like TLC for me.  The problem is Facebook has turned into a sickeningly vicious political platform that makes me want to vomit inside my mouth (and outside of it) every time I login.  The impact this has had on my attitude and spare time (read:  time I spend procrastinating) is pathetic and painful at the same time.  Pathetic because I am ready to lose it over the next person who invites me to "friend" Mittens and painful because I feel like I have lost my BFF (which - like a vicious circle - is so pathetic).  It has all made me weary and old and I am desperate for this political season to be over so that I can go back to having some good, old fashioned, harmless fun with my old BFF, Facebook.  Oh, and so I can get through one fu*king meal without the phone ringing.  Thank you, Robocallers.

4.  I am going through some sort of mid-life crisis (brought about - or at least sped up - by numbers 1-3) which has caused me to become painfully aware of the fact that I am 39+ years old and I still don't know what the hell I am going to do when I grow up.  My fear of growing old alone is becoming more and more vivid.  So much so that the other day I found myself saying to someone, "Naw.  I really don't want to live much past 70."  Then later I thought, "JESUS, Mary and Joseph???  Did I say 70???  That's like 20 years away!  What the heck am I doing sitting around here???"

5.  After successfully losing a lot of "baby fat" I had hanging around, really toning up, and changing a lot of my disgustingly immature eating habits, the first day of slightly cooler weather came and I find myself eating like I am going into hibernation and avoiding exercise in order to save my strength for spring.  Sadly, my daily mantra has become, "I am not a bear."

I warned you it was not pretty.  I hope my next post will be about how I have discovered the cure for raging lunatic fits and that I am back to healthy living.  But, just typing that right now makes me want to eat a donut and wash it down with a beer.  Have a great weekend.  I am going to try and retain my personal sanity and keep my family out of the sanatorium. 
He's the guy in my living room.  I call him Fred.  I *kinda* wanna feed him a sandwich.


jamiew said...

thanks, because you said what i was thinking, (but insert 9 year-old boy instead of 4 year-old girl)

happy halloween friend, see you in the looney bin! (think of it as a spa)

Monica said...

@jamiew - thank you for your nonjudgemental comment and I am sorry for pissing that guy off on your facebook thread. Jesus h. Christ. If he knew me he would know that that was my feeble attempt at humor. Hopefully, girl 2 will think of therapy like a spa. She has always wanted a pedicure? (I won't put that on FB lest I be stoned.)

Shannon said...

Oh my Gawd! This post makes me glad I am coming home soon, i have missed you so much. Oh and I am so glad you can't see the daily temper tantrums going on on my part around the mullins household.

Monica said...

@shannon - wait. it makes you glad you are coming home because you are going to save me??? please??? i hope??? ;o)

Anonymous said...

Is it bad that I'm glad that I'm not the only one going off the deep end?
If it's any consolation, the way you write about it is hilarious!

Monica said...

@whatimeant2say - oh, you know. misery loves company. so, i love you? i vowed to get my eating back under control today as step 1 toward regaining my sanity. then i ate a huge ham and cheese sandwich. then i ate another one. so, better luck to you - my friend.

Shannon said...

No I am more in the whatimeant2say camp, misery loves company. We will be dysfunctional and go nuts together.

Liu said...

Ditto x 3 incessant talkers, FT job...well u know the rest. BLOG ON!!

Mind Margins said...

Uh, Monica, Fred looks suspiciously feminine. Is there a reason for that? He has hips.
Eating more because of cooler weather must be a Texas thing. Kind of like a mini-celebration gone wrong. Just remember: the cold fronts get to me a day or two before you, so I'll always be ahead of you in the Gorge Fest. Does that make you feel better? :-)

Monica said...

@shannon - ah! yes, we will commiserate together...while the children all throw gigantic fits. ;o) @liu - banner day! i saw you twice and you read my post! glad to know you are still alive. ;o) @mind margins - well, i will think of you whilst stuffing my face and know that you have already done it. and now that i look at fred he is quite womanish. but, did you see the glowing eyes? that's rather manish. and just the fact that he's a mummy screams "MAN." so, i think i'll stick with fred. and he seems to like just hanging out (or in), so i might just keep him out all year. the kids kinda like him, too.

jamiew said...

i had to go back and re-read my fb shiz...
and that guy is always pissed off. i usually ignore his ranting.

Monica said...

@jamiew - i'm glad he's an angry man because i was beginning to question my facebook savvy. and that's never a happy place.

TNMom said...

Um, I will see you there - the loony bin, that is. I have 6 and 3 year old girls that talk non stop at the SAME time, and I work night brain is mush and I feel exactly like what you typed, except I could never say it so good and funny. And I drink, cause its fun and good. I saw your comment on the bloggess post and came over (cause there was beer in the title of your post), and I will be back to see the progress (read: what my next step may be).

Monica said...

TNMom - the bloggess and beer are two of my favorite things. so, since you like both of those that makes you awesome by way of proxy. does that make sense? no? well, i've only had one cup of coffee (and if you like coffee, too you can come live with us, but you need to bring money and food because we are broke). i wanna send you a present for becoming my FIFTIETH follower. except i can't decide what would be appropriate. maybe i will just give you a shout-out (i hate that phrase) in my next post? would that be too forward?