Monday, October 29, 2012

NoGoEvNevWritMoinNo, Ho.

I *kinda* felt bad for dumping sh*t on y'all in my last post.  Just kidding!  That's what y'all are here for.  Right? 

But, oddly, right after I dumped on y'all - things started looking up!  Relatively.

So, in the spirit of patriotism (whatever), I decided to write a short list about it in the hopes that if I had depressed you - I would cheer you up!  And also someone told me to be thankful for the good in my life instead of complaining all the time (whatever).

1.  We are two days away from the greatest day of the year.

2.  Saturday night I built a fire.  Like a Girl Scout.  Or, like an Indian.  (If the Indians had girl friends and used kerosene.)  Hubby usually makes the fire (because he's the man and that's what men do), but he was gone so I decided I could make fire.  Y'know like Emily Davidson?  Girl power? 

Well, turns out fire and the wheel really were difficult things to invent and are really difficult to replicate.  Damn cave men

I phoned hubby at his important conference to ask him how to make fire.  Here's the short version of our conversation.

Me:  Hi, hubby.  I was just wondering - how do you make a fire?

Hubby:  Um.  I'm kinda busy right now, can this wait?

Me:  Well, not really because since it's finally cold, I invited the whole neighborhood over like you usually do to roast marshmallows and drink and I think they are kinda expecting a fire.

Hubby:  *Sigh*  Well, first you need a beer can.

Me:  Wait.  Is this a joke?

Hubby:  *Sigh*  No.  It's not a joke. 

Me:  So, the first step in making a fire is:  Drink a beer?

Hubby:  Yes. 

Me:  SA-Weet.  I shoulda' been in charge of the fires all along!

Well, since I suck at following directions I had to just basically slam a beer, pour kerosene on some wood, and light a match to get a fire started.  And then for good measure (and so hubby wouldn't know all my secrets), I threw the old beer can into the fire.  Note to self:  Beer cans do not burn.  Ever.  And even when they are seriously charred you can still read Miller Lite on them.  (Hubby knows my secret.)

When I did finally get the fire started (with some help), here's what it looked like:

Please note how even the skeletons in my closet yard photo bomb me.
3.  Honey Boo Boo endorsed President Obama.  Although this happened quite a while ago - while I was still in the dumps, in the past few days it's given me hope that when I decide what I am running for, Honey Boo Boo will endorse me as well.

4.  I got my 50th follower to my blog.  I kinda feel like I want to send her a small gift.  But, since that's stalkerish I decided just to tell you guys here.  She doesn't have a blog that I know of, or I'd send you over.  But, clearly she is of above average intelligence, a fabulous mom and woman, and has great taste.  So, thank you, TNMom.  Here's a small gift especially for you to express my sincere appreciation.

They're not just for Valentines anymore.
5.  In a moment of sheer motherhood genius, I scheduled all four of my kids' six month dental cleanings on Halloween.  What kind of insane idiot does this?  Me.  Apparently.  Thanks to my lack of calendaring skills six month's worth of dental fees will be ravaged by one night of candy gorging.  Wait.  Is this my happy list?  Oh.  Sorry.  I still am wandering to the dark side every now and again.

6.  On November 1 you can join millions of other people worldwide and write a novel in 30 days.  This is affectionately (I guess) called NaNoWriMo by the throngs of people who participate.

No, I am not doing this.  Although I admire the strength and fortitude (whatever) of these people, I do not want to encourage them.  I really cannot think of anything more ludicrous than writing a novel in 30 of the days before what is the most frantic, time-consuming, depressing season of the year when most everyone is gaining weight.  And, I cannot think of a crazier acronym.  (Except for maybe SWOT mom.)

Instead I've decided to commit myself to writing on my blog every day of November.  Except when I don't feel like it, or I am depressed, or I have other things that are more important that need doing, or my four year old needs her butt wiped. 

So, basically - I commit to bringing you what I've always brought you - but in NOVEMBER!  So, yay me!  (I feel less depressed already!)  And because I love to rival ridiculous acronyms, I am calling my writing challenge for myself:  NoGoEvNevWriMoinNo, Ho.
Not Going to Ever, Never Write More in November, Hoes!

That's my Happy List, friends.  Stay sane!  


Shannon said...

Would this be the time to tell you that the boys now revel in being able to start fire with a flint and steel? In fact they re so good at it that when we went camping in Zambia 2 weeks ago they started the fire each evening. SHow offs.

Good call on the Novel writing thing. Did that a couple of years ago. No need to do it again. Of course in my life homeschooling has taken he place of trying to write and insane number or words each day as self torture. Gah! It has been a lousy day. Happy thought 3 weeks from tomorrow I get on a plane out of here!!!! YAY!

Monica said...

@shannon - CANNOT. WAIT!!! your boys are in charge of our thanksgiving fire pit.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE you! You always make me spit my Diet Coke out on the keyboard. This is your best post yet!

TNMom said...

HOLY SHIT!! YAY!! Thanks for the fantastic gift!! I do not have a blog, I just love reading funy shit (and yes, I love coffee and will be right over with money, lol). I am so glad I found you, YAY us! I have been reading "mommy blogs" for about a year now and this just made my day for realz! I am kinda a groupie and I comment alot. I think you are a very funny and talented writer and I hope you pull out of your funk soon. Cheers!
Love- Devan

Monica said...

@whatimeant2say - i love you, too. (is that too forward?) i am adding, "made 'whatimeant2say' spit out diet coke on her keyboard' to my happy list. i also love making people snort (mostly myself). @TNMom - i rarely fall in love this quickly, but i think i love you. (and, yes. if you have money and coffee - you are always welcome in my home. please ignore the piles of laundry and the rude children.)

jamiew said...

i am glad you stopped complaining (not) cuz it takes the attention away from my complaining.

i think that e.l. james must have written 50 shades of meh in 30 days.

Monica said...

@jamiew - oh, i cannot believe i didn't say that. wait. you didn't copyright it, so i DID say it. e.l. james wrote 50 shades of meh as part of writnomoho. *insert copyright mark*