Thursday, September 8, 2011

P.S. - Santa might ruin your life.

So, let me just say:

1.  It was brought to my attention yesterday that I have a pastor for a reader (Thank you, pastor for reading my blog.  I am honored and was just wondering - while you are reading my blog - could you put in a good word for me with The Big Man?).
2.  After my post yesterday I felt compelled to tell you that I love my children dearly (and not just because they give me 99.9% of my blog material.)
3.  There are so many post scripts to yesterday's post about big boobs and being NOT Jewish that I may have a new chapter for my book.  Aren't you glad you stumbled over to your laptop and pulled up my blog?  Because you are going to get it first (I know, I am too generous.)

P.S. Santa Might Ruin Your Life

The conversation that follows occurred after a deep conversation about the reality of Santa.  Now, I am one of those joy-sucking parents who wish that my kids would just stop believing in Santa and get it the hell over with.  (I am sure you are surprised.)  Keeping up the Santa rouse for me is frankly exhausting.  My nine year old Boy still firmly believes in Santa, his eight flying reindeer, and I think, the Abominable snowman.  Girl 1 stopped fully believing in Santa a long time ago.  There are just too many unresolved issues for her (and I quote): 
  • Mom, reindeer can't fly.
  • We don't have a chimney and we always keep our doors locked.  Are you telling me Santa has a key to every one's house?  Is he like a burglar that gives?
  • Where does he shop?
  • Are elves dwarfs?  Real live dwarfs?  Are they the Oompa Loompas???  I just don't believe that.  Where did they come from? 
So, back to the conversation that ensued:

Girl 1 - Momma, I just had a horrifying thought.

Me (seriously afraid to ask) - Oh.  What baby?

Girl 1 - What if you get married, have kids, and you and your husband or wife really still believe in Santa.  So, since you believe in Santa you don't buy any of your kids any presents because you are sure Santa will take care of them.  And your kids believe in Santa.  But, then THERE IS NO SANTA.  So, on Christmas morning your kids wake up and they don't have any presents??????

Now, this was one of those times that I had so many things I wanted to say that I was rendered speechless.  Here are some of the things that were going through my head:  There are kids that don't ever get any Christmas presents and you know what - that's horrifying.  Santa is NOT real.  It's all momma and daddy, so that's also horrifying.  If two people have kids and those two people STILL BELIEVE IN SANTA - that is not only horrifying, but we got more problems than those kids not getting any presents.  No worries.  I didn't say any of that.  Instead I said:

Wow.  Then those parents would be in a tight spot, huh?  Now let's turn off the light and go to bed!


Me - Well, baby I will say what I say every time you ask me:  Do you believe in Santa?

Now, this answer is entirely unsatisfying for me.  I just hate it, but frankly I can't think of a better one and I am too tired to think anymore about it. 

Girl 1 - So, is Jesus real?  C'mon just tell us.

Say what?  How did Jesus get dragged into this?  I'm sorry, dude!  Now, what ensued is just too detailed and sketchy (due to my lack of actual knowledge) to relate here.  So, I will summarize what I said.  (What I think I said - again, my lack of actual knowledge sometimes confuses the details.):

  • Jesus lived.  Then he died.  Then we and certain other people (called Christians) believe he rose from the dead and was the son of God.
  • Santa lives in your heart if you believe in him.
  • He also maintains a residence at the North Pole.  I think.
  • Jerusalem is a real place.
  • Jesus doesn't live in Jerusalem anymore.  Remember he died and then rose and now he lives in your heart?
  • Jesus gets along with Santa and there is room in your heart for both of them.
  • I don't actually know any reindeer that can fly.
  • We kind of have Jesus' playbook.  It's called the bible.  I don't know of any playbook for Santa.
  • Santa did not write the bible.  Neither did Jesus.
  • Not all stories in the bible are real nor should we take them all as real events that actually happened.
  • I am not sure what Jewish people think of Santa. 
  • I am pretty sure Jews like Hanukkah.
  • I am pretty sure Jonah and the Whale is not one of the more true stories in the bible.
That's all I got, friends.  I pray we have closed the book on Santa and boobs for a while.  And, I am going to try and keep Jesus safe.  Peace.


Shannon said...

Wow! You have a tougher job being Mom than me. I can answer 99.9% of all questions around here thusly: "NO WE CAN'T KEEP IT. GO PUT IT BACK. GET IT OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!! DON'T LET THAT THING TOUCH ME!!!!" Screaming ensues at this point. The remanding .01% of questions I can answer with "I don't know go ask your dad, he knows that stuff." Good luck with your kids.

Maybe I have all boys because I'm not equipped to answer the kinds of thought provoking questions girls ask.

Monica said...

hahahahahahahahahaha! that made me laugh out loud, girl. we definitely got what we can handle because in YOUR house i would've been long dead - having had a heart attack with something colin let in the back door. i love, love, love your percentages. they made me laugh - hard!